Ryan and Shannon's Rapier Wit

Wedding Of The Century

2012-01-01T08:31:00.000-08:00

After months of preparation and planning, Shannon's brother, David got married to Jillian Curtis this past Wednesday evening, December 28, 2011. I'm not sure what this says about my social circle or level of life experiences, but this was by far the biggest event and party I have ever been involved with in my life. And if it was the biggest event I've ever been to, it goes without saying it surpassed anything my children had ever experienced as well. I can't speak for Shannon as there's always the possibility she's been hiding her secret past as a major player in the Gila Valley social scene prior to my meeting her in college. Listed below are the highlights of our exciting trip to Tucson and the enjoyable time we had at David and Jillian's wedding.

-Woke up at 7:00 a.m. with the express purpose of getting out of town by 9:00 a.m. We left at 10:00 a.m.

-My new work iPhone led us directly to the closest Applebee's upon reaching Tucson. The voice of Siri, the phone information system, is so nice, polite and helpful I couldn't help but commend her on her amazing abilities. She responded that my wish was her command. How do I get Siri installed in Shannon?

-While we were at lunch, David called us to invite us to his room at the Arizona Inn to get ready. He was hanging out by himself and would welcome the company. I was worried we were still quite far away from the hotel, but Siri calmed my fears and let me know that we were a mere four miles away. She can be such a comfort.

The hotel was clearly older but it was pretty impressive. The grounds were beautiful and once we got back to David's room (Honeymoon Suite) my jaw dropped. His room was larger than our first apartment. Ok, the box my daughter's boots came in was larger than our first apartment so maybe that isn't a good comparison. The room was bigger than our condo we lived in after our first apartment...and gorgeous. All the furniture was antique and the fire place made the whole thing feel quite cozy.

We relaxed for a bit and then Kate decided she needed to see the pool. So she and I went for a walk and found the pool, the tennis courts and the fountain. It was a pleasant walk.

-When we got back to the room, the photographer and the videographer where there to document the getting ready portion of the day. Logan, Braden and Kate did not disappoint in providing several great shots althought Kate was not thrilled about being part of that process.

-Picture time! No matter how fancy or nice the occasion, no wedding seems to be able to avoid the death trap of picture taking. Fortunately, our family got off easy. The same couldn't be said for those in the wedding party including Shannon's brothers Clinton and Cody and our parents.

-The actual ceremony itself took place on the grounds near the fountain. It was very nice and both David's and Jillian's vows were very sweet. During the ceremony, Kate was a typical three year old and had to be cajoled/restrained/bribed at certain points. At one particular juncture, my sister-in-law, Danica, tossed me some gummy treats. In the dead silence of a wedding as the officiator spoke, I began my assault on the most vicious cellophane wrapper I've ever encountered. I would have stopped immediately, but Kate was now determined to have gummy treats and would have made even more noise had I stopped. Finally, Shannon took the package and beat the wrapper into submission.

-At the end of the ceremony, music broke out and the bride and groom broke into dancing as did the bridesmaids and a couple of groomsmen. My two brother-in-laws, Cody and Clinton, broke into extremely uncomfortable facial expressions and the tiniest movement that resembled swaying. Once everyone was back down the aisle, David and Jillian hopped on bicycles in lieu of a car to drive off following their wedding. Major props to my new sister-in-law for pulling off riding a bicycle ride in her wedding dress.

-Back to the front of the hotel and while everyone else got to retire to the open bar and finger foods, the families and wedding party got to...take more pictures. Unfortunately, the sun had slipped below the horizon and the temperature had dropped about 15 degrees in 10 minutes. Not a problem for those in the reception area where the heaters were located. Big problem for those located out front taking pictures. This was where Kate had her one major meltdown. She was cold and she wanted a jacket that fit her, or a 'tiny jacket' as she kept saying. We didn't have a tiny jacket and that was a concept she couldn't accept. Major hysterics ensued.

-One of my lifelong dreams was fulfilled as we finished with pictures and made our way to the reception area. The open bar included Dr. Pepper. Now think about this: An entire evening with as much free Dr. Pepper as I could ever want. Too bad I quit drinking the regular stuff six months ago. DANG IT!!! I gave in and had two or three anyway just so my dream would not die in vain.

-Dinner was one of the most amazing steaks I've ever had. Shannon said hers wasn't cooked enough which means the steaks were perfect. To top them off they were stuffed with mushrooms. Add this to the free Dr. Pepper and I wasn't quite sure I hadn't died and woken up in the alternate universe where perfection resides. Then my kids got served their meals which included tiny ketchup bottles all to themselves and I was reminded that no, this was not heaven after all.

-We toasted the bride and groom several times and Logan and I had a ball tinkling our glasses.

-Start the dancing. The Claridge side of the family represented well and we learned that new generation of Rapiers will be carrying on the tradition of uninhibited expression through dance. Abby, Braden and Logan all had a blast dancing until the wee hours of the...well ok, eleven o'clock. There were some single girls in their twenties that work with Jillian in Flagstaff there who were not dancing. Shannon told Braden, Bryson and Logan she would give them five dollars each to ask them to dance. Bryson marched straight up and earned his five dollars immediately. Logan started toward them and got five feet away when he chickened out. He came back and told Shannon, "I just couldn't do it, mom." Fortunately, the young women were very nice and one of them came and asked him. He looked at Shannon and said, "What should I do?" She told him to start moving and so...he totally got moving. All three boys continued to ask the females to dance for the rest of the evening.

-Somewhere between 9:30 and 10:00, Kate decided she'd had enough and laid her head down on the table and went to sleep. Probably for the best.

-At 11:00, we decided we really needed to get headed back for Thatcher and so we informed our children we were leaving. We might as well have told them we'd cancelled Christmas for next year. Much weeping and wailing.

It was a beautiful day and one that will live in our memories for the rest of our lives. Congratulations David and Jillian and good luck in your new life together.

Hawaii Trip Day 8: I'm In A Tin Can In The Sky

2011-11-21T14:19:00.000-08:00

It's been several months since I posted last and my wife is very concerned that I am not going to get us home from Hawaii. The problem is that I didn't take notes on the last day and there are no photos from that last day as we had to pack everything into the suitcases before leaving the hotel. Since I can't give a blow by blow account, I will bridge the gap between day seven and arriving home with some of the highlights that happened during our last day on the island and our flight home. So without further adieu, and most in order I think, highlights from day 8 of our Hawaiian vacation.

-Saying goodbye to one of the most perfect places on earth I've ever been was brutal. Shannon and I woke up and went straight down to the beach for the last time. We played a bit and I finished our making our souvenir bottles of sand. I've never been so sad to leave a place that relentlessly put sand down my pants.

-Most of the day we spent shopping in Lahaina. As mentioned before, it is the neatest little town and we spent hours just walking from store to store on Front Street. We bought several last minute items for everyone back home and eventually we decided to eat in an upstairs cafe overlooking Front Street. Everything in Maui is open air and this cafe was no exception. It was themed as an old 50s style diner with all of the menu items named after old TV characters. Very cliche, but very good food.

-One observation about the shopping options in Lahaina. Shannon and I were both astounded at how much extremely expensive jewelry is apparently an impulse purchase in Hawaii. We must have passed 15 different jewelry stores minimum. It was very likely over 20.

-After shopping, we had a couple of hours to kill and so we decided to drive over to Wailea, which is other area on Maui that is a major resort area. Lahaina and Kaanapali beach, where we stayed, is referred to as the West side and Wailea and Kihei are the south side. There is a major resort that we wanted to see called the Grand Wailean. It is very deserving of its name. That had to be the grandest hotel I've ever been in. However, we were both struck as to why such a ritzy place would choose to decorate with sculptures of naked, fat Japanese midgets. To us, it didn't really add to the decor.

-The Grand Wailean had its own church. It was a little chapel for weddings and it sat a mere 20 yards from the beach. Now I think I understand why the Church doesn't build a temple right on the beach. It would be overwhelmed constantly with weddings. How could you beat wedding pictures taken at a temple on the beach. Short answer: You couldn't.

-All beaches in Hawaii are public and so in between the Grand Wailean and some other ridiculously large resort hotel was a little public bathroom building. Shannon had need of such facilities and went in. She came out almost immediately due to the topless woman taking up most of the area inside. That was just a little too much info for Shannon and she decided she could wait.

-We went to a little mall area next to the Grand Wailean and learned two things: One, Wailea is where the extremely wealthy must vacation on Maui and two, we are not extremely wealthy.

-We arrived back in Kahalui with about 30 minutes before we needed to be at the airport. We didn't want to eat at the airport itself so we searched for anything else. Keeping in mind that our first breakfast in Hawaii was at McDonald's, it seems rather sad to realize we never learned anything over the week we were there and ate our last meal in Hawaii at Wendy's. At least we got the Hawaiian experience of staring at chickens wandering through the parking lot while we ate.

-For whatever reason, we got to the airport about thirty minutes late and it was quickly apparent we were cutting it way too close. It was the first day that we experienced heavy humidity and the airport was packed. We got to baggage check in and we were over the 50 lbs. limit. I've never been so grateful for humidity in my life. We pulled the bag off to remove some items and try to stuff them in our carry-on when the airline lady said to forget it. It was just to hot to be worrying about that kind of stuff and she took our suitcases with out charging us extra for the additional weight we were over.

-When we were making our souvenir bottles of black and white beach sand we didn't take into account one somewhat important item. That would be that black sand resembles explosive gun powder. Already running late, we got pulled aside again at the security lane because there were four bottles with a suspicious substance inside them. It took about 20 minutes to get them out, explain what was in them and then get the ok to put them back. We were now within five minutes of our flight boarding and still had not reached the gate.

-Walked up to our gate and had enough time to tie my shoe before they called our boarding pass numbers. That was too close.

-The idea behind taking an overnight flight was that we could sleep. Yeahhh, that didn't work out so much. Shannon dozed here and there while I sat staring at a movie I didn't care about. At one point, I looked out of the window and stared out at an endless void. The moon was full and it was reflecting off of the clouds below us and that was all I could see. I've never been afraid of flying, but in that moment, I got a little scared. I was thousands of feet in the air with a couple hundred other people somewhere over the vast endless Pacific Ocean. I don't know how to describe it except to say, so many options of death seemed to surround me. I quickly went back to the movie I didn't care about.

-Landed in San Francisco at 4:00 a.m. local time. Not sure whose idea it was that the airport should be kept at a constant temperature of -10 degrees, but customer friendly it was not. At 5:00 a.m. a couple of food options opened up and Shannon and I got egg croissants.

-Our plane from San Francisco takes off at 6:10 a.m. and while we are ascending, Shannon's breakfast decides it doesn't agree with her. After arguing with me for several minutes on whether she should use the barf bag or chance running back to the restroom, she finally jumps up while the seat belt sign is still illuminated and makes a mad dash for the rear of the plane. The stewardess begins to chastise her as she approaches, but within seconds realizes what is happening and allows her to proceed. Shannon pukes.

-Landing in Phoenix, my lack of sleep coupled with the changes in time are really starting to affect me. Danae picked us up and we make it back to her place where I can't take it anymore and I pass out on Bryson's bed.

-We had a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory and so before heading home, we stop and have one last meal on our vacation. When we tell Abby where we ate, I'm not sure if she was more jealous of our trip to Hawaii or our lunch at Cheesecake Factory. Oh the priorities of youth.

Hawaii Trip Day 7: What's So Great About Snorkeling...Oh That!

2011-08-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

8:02 a.m. - I wake up and head straight for the shower. I guess some things are such a habit you do them without thinking. As snorkeling was the only thing on the agenda all morning, I'm still curious why I felt the need to shower. At least I would be at my non-offensive best for the tropical fish and sea turtles later.

8:47 a.m. - First order of the day, breakfast. We drive through at McDonald's. All the fresh fruit we could ever want available within seconds of our hotel room and we've eaten at McDonald's twice now. They should revoke our Hawaiian passports immediately.

9:04 a.m. - We stop in at a place called Snorkel Bob's where you get...wait for it...snorkel equipment. I'm sure your surprised. They tell us the best way to get to Napili beach and we are off.

9:13 a.m. - Napili Beach is about half a mile down from Kaanapali Beach where we are staying. Napili Beach has a much steeper entry into the ocean and is...well, let's put it this way. We are on the lower end of the socioeconomic scale at Kaanapali and quite a bit higher at Napili. I feel as if I am one of the more fit and trim people on Napili Beach. Not so at Kaanapali. For my over all self-confidence, we should have been hanging out here the whole week.

9:30 a.m. - Finally get into the water. Being as how I hate swimming, I am using a noodle to snorkel with. So much for my self-confidence gains. To make me feel better Shannon also uses a noodle. However, we are the only ones snorkeling with noodles. I would have stopped immediately out of embarrassment if it weren't for my overall paralyzing fear of death by drowning.

9:36 a.m. - All week I'd known today was about snorkeling. I was not looking forward to it. I couldn't get what the big deal was all about. Now I do. We are seeing some amazing fish. Once we figure out how to use our newly acquired waterproof camera, we get some incredible pictures.

10:21 a.m. - Been at this a while and I find I'm having my best luck seeing the most fish if I stay near this area filled with rocks. Seemed like a great idea until I got pounded into those rocks by the waves several times. I get out of the water and realize I'm bleeding in several places all over my legs. Ah well, it has been worth it...Except now the salt water is getting into the cuts. I'll get back with you on the worth it thing later.

10:34 a.m. - I had a falling out with the fins we rented right from the get go. I can't understand how to walk in those things without tripping all over myself once I got in the water. Decide to try again now that I have a little bit of experience under my belt.

10:36 a.m. - Nope, fins are just as stupid as I remember them to be. Meanwhile, Shannon has realized what her version of heaven will be. She is having the best time.

10:46 a.m. - Decide to just float and see what I can see without coming up for a while. Eventually I hear Shannon yelling and I look up. I have drifted about 50 yards from the shore. Not a big deal for most people. A huge deal for me. I do everything in my power to avoid panicking and begin to make my way back. It is slow going with the waves, but eventually I made it. That is probably my least favorite thing about snorkeling. The constant visions of me drowning and my body never being found.

11:01 a.m. - Get out of water and leave Napili Beach to head to a cove where there are apparently a great number of turtles. Nothing as comfortable as walking the streets in wet clothes and water shoes.

11:14 a.m. - We find the bay and begin looking for a way to get in. Where we are at is a possible entry point, but it requires you to slide in from slippery rocks into a small area filled with more rocks. Looks a little dangerous. The other option is to walk all the way around the cove and get in on the safer other side. We ask a guy who has obviously been there a while and he tells us getting in where we are isn't that bad. In hindsight, I can only assume this gentleman's favorite pastime is taming Cobras with an east Indian flute. I felt sure death was arriving at any second as we tried to enter the water with out bashing our bodies to bits on the rocks.

11:39 a.m. - How do you describe perfection. We swam with turtles all around us. I looked down and saw a turtle that had to be half the size of a car. It was amazing. It was one of the few times I truly wished I was a stronger swimmer. I was enjoying what I was seeing, but it was tempered by the constant fighting of panic attacks. I swam the full lagoon once and then stayed fairly close to the exit point where I could still see some quite amazing fish. Shannon swam the entire cove three times and got to swim between no less than 30 turtles or more. Truly amazing. The only downside was even though she was wearing sun screen, she spent so much time with her back exposed that she got a pretty good sunburn.

12:48 p.m. - Shannon would have stayed all day. I on the other hand was now ready to start preparing for the thing I had spent all week looking forward to. So reluctantly, I pull Shannon from the water and we head for lunch.

1:12 p.m. - Eat lunch at Maui Tacos. Incredibly good. They have a salsa bar with over 10 salsas. A couple of them I could do without, but they had a green salsa that was to die for and a pineapple salsa that was sweet but also incredibly good. However, the best was their corn salsa. How can we get one of these in Safford?

1:57 p.m. - Arrive back at hotel. I get showered and Shannon heads back to the water for a while longer. Upon further examination, I am cut up even worse than I realize. Oh well, the scars will make for a great story later.

2:35 p.m. - Leave to go play golf. All week I had seen golf equipment rental stores everywhere I looked. Now that I am ready to see if I can get a golf glove before we get to the course where it will undoubtedly be three times what I want to pay, I can't find one anywhere.

2:50 p.m. - Stop to drop off our snorkel equipment at Snorkel Bob's. Their closed for...no reason. In Maui you don't need a reason. We wait ten minutes and she eventually arrives. In the meantime we meet a nice couple from Southern California. Shannon loves the woman's swimsuit cover and asks if she got it locally. Nope, a Ross special.

3:10 p.m. - Arrive at Kapalua Golf Club Plantation Course. Now I know what my version of heaven looks like. This is the most amazing course I have ever seen.

3:17 p.m. - Check in and it looks like I will be able to get out a little early. I have to buy a hat. I just do. Also, I had to rent their clubs. They gave me two free sleeves of balls for renting their clubs. That was nice. It also happened to be the most expensive free stuff I've ever gotten.

3:41 p.m. - After warming up, I step up to the first tee box and we are off. This course is where they play the first PGA tour event of the year. It is amazingly difficult. It is so hard I put up a score on the first hole of...par? Who said this course was difficult?

4:01 p.m. - Hole 2? Double bogey. Oh yeah it's hard. I'm fairly certain the first hole may have been a fluke.

4:39 p.m. - The elevation changes on this course are amazing. One time I had Shannon drive the cart up to meet me. She misunderstood and went too far. I had to pull a Family Von Trapp hike just to meet up with her again.

5:02 p.m. - That's a first. I have never seen a course with a sand trip on the side of cliff. If you swing too hard, you are likely fall to your death. I've heard people say sand traps can ruin your day, but this is a bit ridiculous.

5:56 p.m. - We arrive at a par three hole that you have to hit over a 200 foot deep gorge to get to the green. On Maui, the trade winds blow constantly down those gorges and that makes this hole pretty tricky. I hit my tee shot and it is beautiful...until it gets half way over and then it appears to hit a wall and drop straight down. I fell victim to underestimating the trade winds. I'm pretty sure I am not the first.

6:06 p.m. - The ninth hole is so steep coming up to the green that I am forty yards away and still can't see anything except the very tip top of the flag. I hit my chip shot and it lands, I'm not exaggerating, six inches from the lip onto the green. Close, but not close enough. That ball rolls all the way back to me. I wish I was kidding but I'm not. I was able to hit again without even moving my feet from the shot before.

6:22 p.m. - For the third time that day, I get so caught up in looking at the beautiful course around me that I run into the curb and nearly wreck.

6:30 p.m. - The course has backed up and so I start playing with the twosome right in front of me. Jeff and Mike are really nice and they are on Maui with their wife and girlfriend respectively. Not that they'll being seeing much of the ladies as they have at least four tee times scheduled over the next few days.

6:41 p.m. - Poor Jeff. It seems like every time we've seen him take a shot over the whole round, he's been hitting out of sand traps. Now that we are playing with him, I can see that he hits pretty good shots, they just gravitate to sand like nothing I've ever seen.

7:05 p.m. - Now too dark to play anymore. I managed to get in 16 of the 18 holes and it was amazing. I also managed to lose 10 balls in the jungle surround the course. That sounds bad, but I'm actually amazed I didn't lose more. What is even better is that Shannon seemed to have such a good time as well. She had brought a book in case she got bored and never opened it once. I appreciate her efforts in taking so many photos of this neat experience for me.

7:12 p.m. - I'm so excited I have to call someone. I call Heath even though it is 10:12 in Arizona. When I tell him what I've been doing, he doesn't even seem that upset at me. Finished with four legitimate pars. Pretty proud of myself.

8:03 p.m. - After a very full day, we spend our last night in Hawaii eating Panda Express in our hotel room watching Hawaii 5-0. While that may sound pathetic, as tired as we were, it was perfect.

Hawaii Trip Day 6: That Guy Looked Just Like My Mortician

2011-07-04T09:20:00.000-07:00

8:00 a.m. - Sunday is a day of rest right? Well, we finally slept in and rested until 8 o'clock in the morning. Problem is church is at 9.

8:50 a.m. - Shannon's sister Danae is next door neighbors with a very nice family that spends six weeks every summer on Maui. It's a tough life I know. She told us that there is no turning lane to the church coming from the direction we were coming from. She said all the tourists miss this and you can tell who they are because they turn when they shouldn't. She encouraged us to drive down until we could turn legally and then not appear to touristy. We failed. As we came up on it, we were running late and I said the heck with it and made an illegal left turn. Again, this state's issues with turning lanes are quite severe.

9:01 a.m. - Church hasn't quite started as more and more people continue to flow in. You can certainly tell the locals from those of us who are not. They are wearing leis and greeting each other with kisses. One little boy who we found out later in the service got baptized that week was wearing a beautiful grass skirt and palm...necklace doesn't even begin to describe it. It was palm lei that was just huge. He looked amazing. I seriously was starting to wonder why we couldn't have a dress code like this in Thatcher 1st ward. Oh yeah, Thatcher 1st ward is in Arizona. Just as the 1st Counselor gets up to start the meeting, I look up and see Jason McDougal and his wife walk in. They say the world gets smaller within the Church, but this is ridiculous.

9:11 a.m. - We are eleven minutes past the hour and still have not had the opening hymn. The counselor giving the announcements appears to be in no hurry whatsoever. If I were ever to conduct and still be on announcements at 11 after the hour, Bishop Nicholas would lasso me with the extra microphone's cord and send in Rhett with specific instructions to get the meeting back on track.

9:26 a.m. - The conducting counselor took his same laid back approach to ward business and so we are just barely getting started with the sacrament. It is fine and no problems on my end, but I can't help comparing it to our ward and chuckling at the visual of Bishop Nicholas sitting on the stand with this particular counselor conducting. That is good entertainment right there.

9:31 a.m. - There is a Hawaiian version of my cousin's son Harvey passing the sacrament. Nothing spectacular about that, it is just weird to see a native Hawaiian boy who looks identical to my cousin who is blond haired and blue eyed.

9:37 a.m. - The great idea I had to put the Lost siren that goes off when they don't push the computer button on my phone as the signal that I have a test message suddenly doesn't seem like such a good idea now. It goes off right as the youth speaker begins and almost sounds like a fire alarm. Fortunately, I get it stopped before it gets out of hand. Jason hadn't seen us very well when he walked in and so he had the thought, "Wow, that guy looked almost just like Ryan Rapier." When he realized it was me, he texted my to say Aloha. They came up and sat by us for the remainder of the meeting.

9:44 a.m. - The youth speaker just gave an amazing adult talk. He went ten minutes strong but his talk was outstanding. I think I have an idea for next year's super activity. We will bring the boys to Maui and have them take speaking lessons from the bishop's son. I'm sure we can get that passed by President Kartchner.

9:58 a.m. - The first adult speaker was also amazing. This Sunday was Mother's Day and her talk was really good. Unfortunately, there is one more speaker and he has exactly no time left. His outfit however is totally worth mentioning. He is wearing a white shirt with a patriotic tie and a dress sarong which is kind of like a skirt only manly. But by dress sarong I mean it is made out of the same fabric as traditional slacks. His was navy blue with a place for a belt. It was totally awesome. Again, wish we could get some of these clothing items approved for church wear in Arizona as we head into June and July. He does a good job of giving his 20 minute talk in 7 and we get out relatively on time.

10:16 a.m. - There is a mass exodus from the church building just prior to Sunday School. A little ashamed to admit we know this because we were part of the exodus.

11:26 a.m. - After getting back to our hotel, changing and relaxing for a moment or two, we head into Lahaina and look for a place to get lunch. We generally try to avoid Sunday purchasing but we have no food. The first place we walk into, they hand us menus and after look for two minutes, we realize: A) We don't like anything on the menu and B) This is way overpriced for food we have no interest in. We got up and left quickly. This was one of those moments where we were extremely grateful that everything is so open air. Our escape was made much easier by the multitude of open doorways.

11:43 a.m. - We decide we like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. so much and we had had such a hard time deciding what to get the night before, we went again. In a slightly weird twist of events, we were seated at the exact same table as the previous evening. Had the same waitress walked out we would have started an immediate search of the joint for Rod Serling

1:01 p.m. - After lunch and a leisurely stroll back to the car, we drove past our hotel up to the Kapalua resort and golf course. I had a tee time the next day at the Plantation course and I wanted to see what it looked like. The best description I can come up with for my reaction would be imagine Augustus Gloop when he sees the chocolate river. Anybody nodding their heads while saying, "Ryan as Augustus Gloop, yeah I can see that" can kiss my grits. This course is gorgeous. I was excited to play before, but now, I am like a kid on Christmas Eve. No, that is not an exageration in any way.

2:16 p.m. - We were now back at the hotel and had changed into our beach wear. It was time for our first serious block of time on the beach. For a Sunday afternoon with perfect weather, it was unbelievably uncrowded. I sat down my beach chair and brought out the four bottles of Black Sand that I had collected the day before and filled the other half with the cleanest, softest sand on earth. The contrast was amazing.

2:31 p.m. - We head for the water and have the best time just letting the waves pick us up and carry us back into the beach. Not once did our legs or feet come in contact with seaweed, trash or errant hotel keys. The water temperature was very different than Los Angeles or even San Diego. Much warmer without being too warm. We had so much fun, two hours went by before we really even knew what had happened.

3:08 p.m. - During our time in the water, we met a nice older couple from Argentina. They were very friendly, but they couldn't speak much English so after he agreed to take a picture of us with our waterproof camera (which didn't turn out so well) our conversation didn't last long. A little bit later, a young family that ended up being from Brazil showed up and they were very nice too. What was refreshing was she was wearing a one piece bathing suit. A little modesty, I'm impressed. Oh wait, she just turned around and the cut on the back is...high to say the least. Other than what has to be a young Mormon couple a ways down the beach, modesty is still a pretty hard commodity to come by. When we discovered the family was from Brazil, we introduced them to the Argentinians and they were all able to communicate with each other much easier than they had been with us.

3:41 p.m. - Speaking of modesty issues, a man that had to be in 60s walks by with a skin tight pair of swimming briefs on. Our imaginations were completely useless when it came to this guy. Shannon was fascinated that a person would be seen in anything like this so she tries to get a picture of him on the sly. She doesn't do so hot.

4:09 p.m. - Two younger guys start a game that is highly entertaining and something I want to do if I ever come back with some of my male friends before I need a walker. One would throw a football out toward the ocean and the other would run toward it and try and dive to catch it. More often than not, an incoming wave would take out the receiver before he could get close and we saw some awesome spills. I watched them out of enjoyment for 15 minutes.

4:38 p.m. - We head back to the room and clean up so we can walk the length of Ka'anapali Beach on the sidewalk that borders each of the hotels. There were some really nice hotels and some that we were glad we hadn't stayed in. We originally booked in a condo unit called The Whaler, but changed when a deal at the Sheraton opened up. We were glad we had made that change. However, the idea of a time share ownership in the Marriott was admittedly appealing as we walked by their time share only property. It was pretty amazing. Especially if you have family. Finally, at the other end completely from our hotel was the Hyatt. Their grounds were unreal. They had gardens with flamingos and penguins among other animals. It was pretty neat. But in the final evaluation, we preferred our hotel because the beach by the Sheraton was much better than the beach down on this end of Ka'anapali.

6:07 p.m. - We talk to one of the people manning the time share station for the Marriott. Actually just one of the people. They had folks at every possible location so they didn't miss anybody. We asked them how it was going and they said it was really slow. They backed up what we had been hearing all week. May is dead. Great, if we ever come back, May it is.

6:46 p.m. - I go pick up a pizza for dinner and head back to the room so we can watch the season finale of The Amazing Race. We were a little sad as this has become a family favorite to watch together each week. And here we were thousands of miles away from our kids for the final episode of the season. We opened the balcony door and felt the ocean breeze, listened to waves just feet away and got over our sadness pretty quick.

8:21 p.m. - After the Amazing Race, we walked down to the Whaler's Village and got some frozen yogurt at a place like Ocean Blue. It was awesome. Perfect way to finish our relaxed day on the island.

Hawaii Trip Day 5: What Is A Furiously Underworked Cop?...Oh

2011-06-13T14:35:00.000-07:00

5:45 a.m. - I had really wanted to repeat my Wednesday morning experience on the beach outside our hotel so I had told myself to get up and get out there early. I figured I would get some really good beach time especially since Shannon had made it abundantly clear that her day was not going to begin before a seven appeared as the first number of the digital read out on the alarm clock. Since I have one of those pesky internal alarms, I generally wake up early and before the alarm goes off. I wake up and realize, I am absolutely beat. I close my eyes and decide I will try again later.

6:30 a.m. - Ok, still feeling wiped but decide I will get up and head out to the beach. Having learned from my previous experience, I have made sure that my hotel key is in the pocket that can be secured with velcro. Since I haven't replaced the one I lost at the airport this is our last key. Make my way down to the beach and enjoy another perfect morning on Maui.

7:18 a.m. - Head back to the room and Shannon is awake and moving. Our agenda today is to drive the Road to Hana. The Road to Hana is a fifty mile stretch of highway that goes right along the northeast coast of Maui. They estimate that between 1,500 and 2,000 cars travel this stretch of highway each day. It is supposed to be absolutely stunning.

8:30 a.m. - We are ready to rock and roll. On our many travels to Kahalui over the last several days, we have passed a general store, smoothie truck and fruit stand about 5 miles outside of Lahaina that has captured our interest. We decide for breakfast we will stop and buy a fresh Maui Gold pineapple and smoothie to go along with anything that might be good in the general store.

8:43 a.m. - It seems the fresh fruit stand is run by two brothers who appear and sound like they are Israeli. I would choose the roadside of Maui over the Gaza strip any day. I just throw this observation in to show support for my new found Israeli friends if that is the life choice they have made. If they in fact aren't Israeli and never have even seen Gaza then...I don't know, I guess you know where I stand on living either in Maui or in Gaza...just in case this should ever come up in the future. Am I actually still talking about this? Wow! Anyway, we get our pineapple and our smoothies and head over to the general store.

8:52 a.m. - As with pretty much all stores in Hawaii, this store is filled with thousands of souvenir options. This place appears to be the cheapest one we have found so far so we take some time to go shopping. Our tourist dollars for the day begin flying out of our pockets and we are still 30 miles from the Hana Highway. These people are good. I end up getting a shell lei that I have since hung up on the wall of my office at work. Shannon gets several things.

Now one of my worst attributes is that when Shannon is shopping and I am waiting, my mind begins to wander to a place where reason and sensible thought no longer exist. While she is making up her mind about the different items she wants to get, I wander and find freshly made sushi rolls. I then tell myself, "I like California rolls. They are pretty tasty sometimes. Ok, I have only really had them twice before. But I am pretty sure I liked them then. Maybe I should get some for breakfast."

Once we have checked out and are back in the car and I pull out my latest purchase, Shannon looks at me with horror and disgust. "Sushi for breakfast? Really?!? That is disgusting," is what her face says in a matter of milliseconds. She also points out that maybe, just maybe, buying uncooked fish from a convenience store just before setting off on a road that often takes people 6 hours to drive and has minimal bathroom options might not be the best idea. I assure her that any place that sells Dr. Pepper (one of which I also purchased) can be trusted and we set off.

Fortunately this is not a foreshadowing of some very ugly events ahead. The sushi was pretty good and it did not require any emergency stopping later on.

9:06 a.m. - Take my first bite of our fresh pineapple. OH MY GOSSSSHHHHH!!!!!!! It is so juicy that I can't keep the pineapple juice from running all over my chin and down my shirt. But I don't even care. It is AMAZING. I will never be able to eat a Bashas pineapple again, let alone that canned crap.

9:21 a.m. - Radio options in Maui are pretty limited. Most of them play either Reggae, Reggae/Rap or Hawaiian music. None of those three are listed on my Facebook page as a music option I prefer. Shannon either. We have found one station that does ok. But it is really all over the board. Here are the songs we heard while driving to Kahalui. Make It Real - The Jets, (I know, I haven't heard it since then either), All I Want To Do Is Make _________ - Heart, (Well, this is a family blog), Need You Now - Lady Antebellum, Love Story - Taylor Swift and several different Hawaiian Rap Songs. How is that for variety? I desperately search the dial one more time for Brad Paisley, but it ain't happenin'.

9:43 a.m. - There was some confusion in an earlier post about why I was keeping track of our son Logan's urinary habits. I apologize, I was actually kidding my wife by referring to her as Logan. In earlier blog posts related to previous trips we have taken, I have chronicled Logan's uncanny ability to NEED to use the bathroom at the most inopportune time. As recounted during our Utah trip, he had to go pee 5 miles from the next town. We could actually see the next town, but he couldn't wait and so we had one of those bare buns on the side of the road moments. Shannon did not have any bare buns on the side of the road moments...on this trip...(just kidding dear) but was needing restroom facilities at a fevered pace up to this point. As we arrive in Kahalui, a town with many restroom opportunities, I ask her if she needs anything. The response is negative. She informs me she took care of everything before we left.

9:51 a.m. - Five miles out of Kahalui, Shannon informs me she needs to use the restroom. That sound you hear is all of my teeth fracturing into dust from the pressure in my jaws. Our only hope is a town called Paia that we have never been to before. Based on our last Disneyland experience, we know that just because the name of a town appears on a map, it does not guarantee bathrooms.

10:03 a.m. - When we hit Paia, it has started to rain a bit. However, we are in luck as there is a Shell gas station. Shannon hops out and runs inside. Since I am not getting gas, I pull the car out of the way. Unfortunately, the only place protected from the rain is in the areas where you fill up. I am not in one of those areas. I pick up the guidebook we are going to use on our trip down the Hana Highway and start reading. I become so engrossed that I don't realize the rain has become torrential. I have to admit I jumped a little when the passenger door flings open and Shannon hops in. The look she gives me is not one of love and compassion one might expect on an anniversary trip such as ours. "What were you doing? I have been waiving at you for five minutes and...nothing!" My feeble, "I'm sorry" doesn't do much good. This drive is starting out spectacularly. I don't dare bring up that if she had gone back in Kahalui she wouldn't be wet right now for fear of becoming the lead story on the Maui evening news, but I was thinking it. Meanwhile, she is trying to control her breathing and get the mental image of me with a javelin through my head out of her mind. I hope this road is as soothing as peaceful as they say.

10:14 a.m. - The road becomes more and more tropical and over grown with each mile. It also becomes narrower. In fact, several times (over 30 by the time we get to the end) the road shrinks down to one lane on a blind corner. It was a tad nerve racking to drive, but my goodness was it spectacular.

10:22 a.m. - The beauty of the Hana Highway is stopping and getting out to see the unbelievable scenery. We make our first stop based on the suggestion of the Maui Revealed guide book. It says there is a short little hike that will lead to a really nice waterfall. We get out and start down the path. After just a few steps we start following a fence that has a sign on it that says, Private Property. After about 10 yards, there is a hole in this fence and the trail goes right through it. That is comforting. The guide book didn't say anything about getting shot over property rights.

However, the trespassing is completely worth it as you can see:

10:37 a.m. - Ok, I am feeling a little sheepish as now I have to go to the bathroom. I mean, I really have to go to the bathroom. That Dr. Pepper mixed with the juicy pineapple has run the gauntlet in record time and things must be addressed. I still am able to claim some urination moral high ground as Shannon says she needs to go again as well. Shannon points out that we are kind of in a jungle and I will be fine just going right off the trail that we have hiked on our way to the waterfall. She isn't that desparate, but I am. We let a group of people go by and then I run off the trail a ways and she keeps watch. I am a little worried as the guidebook has made it abundantly clear that public urination is against the law here. Fortunately, no problems.

10:44 a.m. - We get back out to the main road to find the group that we had let go ahead of us loading up in their van. And right there on the main highway is one of their party relieving himself for all to see. Now that is just crazy. You are in the middle of a jungle for the longest time and you wait until you are out on the main highway??? We both shake our heads, hop in the car and take off.

10:53 a.m. - Stop at another little trail that leads to a beautiful pool with a waterfall. One of the neatest things about this trail is that it is covered with fallen flowers from the trees above. It iss really pretty. However, we do not stay long as Shannon's needs have progressed quickly. We get back on the road and if possible, it seems to have gotten even smaller. I am really having flashbacks to driving on rural roads in Wales on my mission. Those were not incredibly safe flashbacks.

11:02 a.m. - Find public restrooms. Pee count: Shannon - 2, Ryan - 1

11:21 a.m. - We take off on a side road down to a peninsula the guide book says has a lava rock beach that is worth the time. The guidebook was correct. Before we get to the lava rock beach we see a sign in a drive way for freshly made mango bread. Ok, I gotta try that. And...totally worth it. When I bought it, I bought it for us. Unfortunately for Shannon, she got about one bite. It really was good. It tasted like pumpkin or banana bread only with a citrus kick and it was definitely more moist. I have really got to get a good mango bread recipe. Oh wait, I would need fresh mangos to make the recipe work. In the Gila Valley, that could be a problem.

11:30 a.m. - The waves coming up on the lava rock beach are a little more forceful than the ones we have seen at our hotel. We try to get some pictures that do it justice. In hindsight, I am not sure you can take pictures that will do it justice.

11:38 a.m. - There is a park right across from the beach with public bathrooms. Pee count: Shannon - 3, Ryan - 2.

11:46 a.m. - The guidebook tells us where to stop in order to get a perspective of a waterfall from above. It is pretty amazing. Again, pictures do not do it justice.

11:52 a.m. - We start down another side road to a village called Nahiku. It is weird to see that people who collect cars only to let them rust out and die live everywhere, even in paradise. We pass a couple of cars that the jungle is claiming for its own. As well as some mailboxes.

The plant life on this road is amazing. We see all kinds of things. We pass a couple of stands where we can get cold drinks out of a cooler or shell leis. There is no one working these stands, they are simply on your honor things. You don't see that everyday. At the bottom of the road is one of the prettiest little coves ever. We get a picture that Shannon calls "A Peak At Paradise".

12:06 p.m. - We are getting hungry for lunch. We refer to the guidebook and it tells us that there are several decent places for eating. It mentions a place called Coconut Glen's. We come upon a roadise stand with coconuts. However, there are chickens all over everything and so we decide if this is Coconut Glen's, we are giving it a pass.

12:13 p.m. - It wasn't Coconut Glen's. However, the actual Coconut Glen's doesn't inspire us to stop there either.

12:37 p.m. - We decide to try eating at the Nahiku Marketplace. Think of it as a stripmall made out of...palm fronds. There are several "stores" and a restaurant. The restaurant is basically picnic tables and a kitchen in a truck. But don't let the mental image fool you. As bad as it may have looked, the food was that good. REALLY!! We both got a shrimp dish with Shannon opting for the coconut shrimp while I went with the spicy shrimp.

Our waitress was Phyllis. She is an older lady who taught school in Southern California. She and her husband were going over their bills one night and realized they would never be able to retire. So, they decided to quit their jobs and move to where they most wanted to be and just work there. Which is Maui. Now, while her husband works his construction business, she waits tables two days a week and bakes coconut bread for a shop next to the "restaurant." Talk about guts.

Other highlights of the Nahiku Marketplace: A vendor who makes baseball caps out of leaves, Phylis' coconut bread and Shannon having the opportunity to use what she calls the outhouse in paradise. Much to her dismay, Shannon is getting enough experience with port-a-johns this trip that she may be qualified to go to work for Brooks Scarbrough when we get back. Oh, and the place has several chickens. I am cured of ordering any chicken dishes on this island. Pee count: Shannon - 4, Ryan - 2

1:26 p.m. - We are almost to Hana when we stop at a state park that has an actual black sand beach. The "sand" is actually very tiny pebbles that used to be large lava rocks. The waves come in and pound the lava rocks down into these pebbles that make up the beach. It was unbelievable. It was also a little scary. We are seeing upwards of 20 foot waves coming in that would clearly kill us if we were anywhere near them. Sometimes the power of God and nature is absolutely terrifying in its beauty.

1:43 p.m. - The black sand beach is just down the way from a blowhole. We walk the 200 or so yards to it and try and get some video of the water blowing up. As we are standing there, Shannon looks behind me and sees a wall of rain just bearing down on us. Of course, we are at the furthest point from our car. We get absolutely drenched. Once we arrive back at the car, the rain stops. Irony at its finest. However, being soaked, I take my shirt off to try and dry it out some. Shannon sees a sign that can be seen below and threatens to call the cops. There are some public restrooms right by the beach. Pee count: Shannon - 5, Ryan 3.

2:14 p.m. - We drive into Hana. This is definitely one of those drives where it is more about the journey than the destination. There is nothing wrong with Hana, but there is nothing spectacular about it either. It is just a small little Hawaiian town on the east side of Maui. We do however, know that there is a red sand beach here in Hana that we want to see. We try to follow the maps from the guidebook but we are not having very much luck.

2:26 p.m. - We believe we have found the place where we park to go to the red sand beach. One side of the road is clearly marked that you don't park there. But, it doesn't say anything about parking on the other side. However, when we read the guidebook, it is emphatic that Hana is infamous for "furiously overworked cops handing out tickets" to cars that are parked facing the wrong way on the side of the road that isn't marked regarding parking. We chuckled about the wording furiously overworked cops until we were able to turn around at the dead end of the little road and on our way back there is a police officer putting a ticket on the window of the only car parked on that little street. It is not parked on the side clearly marked for no parking. So I guess they were parked the wrong way and were unfortunate to meet up with a furiously underworked cop. Bummer! But I guess I am glad it wasn't us.

2:47 p.m. - We decide not to take any chances with the little street all together and park a few hundred yards down the road in a little parking lot. It was a walk but at least we are guaranteed not to get any parking tickets. We walk to where there is supposed to be a trail, but we aren't seeing anything. At the end of the little street is a back entrance to a hotel that specifically says we shouldn't be there. So what do we do? We go in anyway. This is where things get a little creepy. Ok, really a lot creepy. This was a pretty big hotel area and yet we did not see a single person. I am not talking about very few people. I mean we saw not one single person. Not a guest. Not a groundskeeper. No one! We kind of joke to each other that maybe some crazy person has killed everybody. When we laugh about our little joke, our laughter is definitely the nervous kind.

3:53 p.m. - After walking around, we realize that we are clearly not in the right place and decide to give up. The road to Hana actually continues on around the southern side of the island and makes a full circle. However, it is getting to be almost 4 and the one thing we know is that we don't want to be on any of these roads after dark. Also Rhett and Alysia Dodge told us the southern side of the island is basically Arizona desert with ocean on the side. So we decide to start back the way we came and just get back to Lahaina.

4:32 p.m. - So, by not stopping on our way back along this winding tiny road, we have caused Shannon to experience car sickness. We are faced with a real dilemma here. Do we go slower and make the curves less nausiating but take longer to get back or do we go as fast as possible and get back quicker but make the curves more of a factor. I opted for quicker. At several points I had the thought, "What are we going to do if she has to throw up?" There aren't exactly any places to pull over. Pulling over would require careening off of a cliff into a gorge hundreds of feet below. The upside I suppose would be that the scenery right before our death would be spectacular.

4:47 p.m. - We are in a huge line of cars that have backed up as we all make our way back. In the line are at least three Mustang convertibles. Before we had come, we had read that the best way to do the road to Hana is in a convertible. During our drive today we have seen no less than 25 Mustang convertibles. There had to be some rental place that specializes in them. As I think back over our day and how many times it rained on us during the drive, I would be livid had we spent a great deal of extra money so we could do the road to Hana with a convertible.

5:17 p.m. - Shannon calls and talks to the kids. During this discussion we discover that Kate has made it a pretty common practice to tell Tristen, "I don't like you." That is fantastic. We also learned that because she doesn't like Tristen, she actually locked her out of the van at one point. Nice!

6:18 p.m. - We get back to the hotel and relax a little before changing clothes and heading into Lahaina for dinner at The Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. I do my best Forrest Gump impression on the bench outside but I am no Tom Hanks. The food is fantastic and we get seated right next to the ocean. No seriously, had I dropped my fork on the left side of the table, it would have been in the ocean. Our waitress is Aneen. She has lived on Maui for about a year and is originally from New Jersey. During our conversation, she tells us that she and her husband have lived several places and have developed a love for Mexican food. She says they have yet to find a decent Mexican food restaurant since they moved to Maui. This was our chance to shine. We turned a local onto Polli's. She was very grateful.

8:02 p.m. - We begin to walk Front Street and do some window shopping, I am really starting to hit a wall. Shannon wants some ice cream, but it is all I can do not to shut my eyes and fall asleep in the ice cream shop.

10:09 p.m. - We have arrived back at the hotel and just lay on our beds in a vegetative state with the TV on. I think we need some beach time before our vacation kills us. Final pee count: Shannon - 54, Ryan 6. Or something like that.

Hawaii Trip Day 4: Define "Big" Pancakes

2011-06-06T14:33:00.000-07:00

7:00 a.m. - We had originally planned on going to Pearl Harbor this morning, but we heard that you need to get there early or it can be an all day experience. We didn't have all day and after three days with early mornings and packed schedules, we are exhausted. So we decided the night before to let Pearl Harbor go and try and sleep in and get rested up. Unfortunately, downtown Honolulu is not a quiet place and I awake to the sound of street traffic and sirens. Get in the shower. My shower is a quick one as I start to suffer from bouts of clausterphobia before too long.

7:26 a.m. - There is no laundry options in our hotel on Maui so we knew that we would have to do some laundry at this hotel in order to make it through the week. I head down to do the laundry while Shannon gets up and gets ready for the day. I am told the laundry is in a structure behind the second tower. Silly me, I assumed a structure would be...I don't know...a building? Nay nay. This "structure" has chain link fence walls and a tin roof with two washers and two driers and two plastic chairs, all of which are occupied, and I am now in line. This could be a long morning.

7:54 a.m. - Finally get my clothes into the washer. That is the positive. The negative is there is no room in the "structure" for me so I have to stand outside and it has started to rain.

8:22 a.m. - Getting to know my fellow Hawaii vacationers as we all wait for our laundry or for the opportunity to do our laundry. One of these individuals is a lady from Scotland who is here for two weeks before heading off to Vegas for a week. That would be quite a vacation in and of itself, but this actually comes after cruising the French Polynesian islands for 17 days. While she has been gone, her brother died and she might miss the birth of her grandchild. Holy Crap! I have never considered going on a vacation where upon my return I might have Rip Van Winkle type experiences. I have always thought that I enjoyed vacations and, if given the opportunity, I could vacation with the best of them. This lady has proven I am a child among men when it comes to vacationing. Good gosh, 6 weeks!?! That is the length of most maternity leaves. I don't know what that correlation has to do with anything but...there it is.

8:41 a.m. - Wash is done, but now waiting for a dryer. Shannon calls my cell phone getting slightly concerned about me. I assure her that she should make herself comfortable. It will be a while. I also let her know that it would do neither of us any good for her to come keep me company in the "structure".

9:58 a.m. - Check out of the hotel and go to pick up our car. The very kind valet personnel stroll the length of a school bus to get our car for us. I believe we paid $2 per step for that "service". Once we leave the parking area, we realize we are starving and need to find a place to eat. Right by our hotel was an IHOP that now we can't find a parking spot for. We have checked out so our valet spot is no longer available and Shannon gets a little perturbed at me for jumping the gun on getting out of there. We decide that we will just drive toward the area we are going and see if we can find anything along the way.

10:24 a.m. - We are going to a place called the Valley of the Temples which houses the Buddhist temple called The Temple of the Gods. We get to drive the Likiliki highway again (snicker snicker), but there is no where to eat between our hotel and this area. Fortunately, right across the street from the Valley of the Temples is a shopping center. We hope there is something in there.

10:28 a.m. - We have a choice between two diners serving breakfast. One has not a single soul in it while the other has a handful of people who appear to be local. We decide the locals probably know best and choose the Times Coffee Shop. We look at the menu and they have freshly made blueberry and banana pancakes. That sounds delicious as we are just starving. We try to decide if a stack of three and some eggs on the side will be enough. The waitress says, "Our pancakes are kind of big." Fine, I will settle with two banana pancakes and a side of eggs while Shannon will have the blueberry with a side of eggs..

It would have been so much more helpful if she had said, "Our pancakes are the size of a plate and an inch thick each." I personally think that description is different from "kind of big". These pancakes are enormous. I quickly realize I have ordered too much food...for our entire family if they had been there. But let me tell you, these are the BEST pancakes I have ever had. Especially when I combined them with the coconut syrup they made fresh daily. OH MY GOSH!!!!!! Best breakfast EVER!!!! I recognize that I am somewhat prone to use superlatives way too often but in this case, I do not believe I am exaggerating.

However, this does cause a problem. When you order way too much of something that is truly amazing, you tend to eat way too much of it. And boy do we. We leave there feeling as if we may explode all over the Valley of the Temples. I had to laugh at the lady who collected the bill afterwards. I told her how good their pancakes were and she said back, "But you didn't finish them." Oh that's nice. Make fun of the fact that we ordered way too much by rubbing in our faces that we couldn't finish it.

11:18 a.m. - Arrive at the Temple of the Gods. I can't describe the beauty so here are some pictures to try and do it justice.

11:32 a.m. - In a gift shop off to the side, they have bird seed that you can purchase. If you put the bird seed in your hand, the birds will fly up and eat right out of your hand. I feel positively Mary Poppinsish.

11:46 a.m. - We stroll one more time around the grounds and take some more pictures. Interesting things of note about this location. I once remember seeing a Magnum PI episode filmed here. Also, this is the location where they filmed Jin and Sun's wedding. If you don't get that reference, shame on you. Just suck it up and watch Lost already. Also, in the time we have been there, we have seen five tour buses pull up, empty, reload 15 minutes later and leave. The Scottish lady I had spoken to earlier said this is the way all of these tour buses operate. You get 15 minutes at a site and then they herd you off to the next site. Memo to me? Memo to me. NEVER tour a place by bus! Oh wait, I already knew that one.

12:02 p.m. - We have finished at the Valley of the Temples and it is lunch time. (Pardon while I burst into uncontrollable laughter). We couldn't possibly be less hungry. We have a tour of movie locations scheduled for 2:30 so we have some time to kill. We are just driving when we come across the Macadamia Nut Farm. That sounds interesting. Well...Not so much. Just a tourist trap (complete with a constant stream of tour buses coming and going) that has all the typical Hawaiian stuff to sell. But wait!!! They do provide free coffee samples!!! Fantastic for the Mormon couple. One interesting thing though is the bathroom. I walk in and there is an open window that cannot be closed that faces the parking lot. So as I stand there doing what comes naturally, I am able to view all of the fresh faces coming to visit the Macadamia Nut Farm. The whole time, I am praying that no one takes an interest in the open window off to the side of the main interest. Fortunately for me, my prayer is answered. Crazy me, just not that into public urination.

1:30 p.m. - We kill enough time that we feel comfortable going over to Kualoa Ranch where we will be taking the movie sites tour. Why is it that every time we need to get out of our car and into a building, the rain just starts pouring. We can drive for quite a while with no rain, but as soon as we need to get out...torrential downpour.

2:30 p.m. - We are ready to start our tour and they take us out to our tour vehicles. They are ooooooollllllld school buses painted green with all the windows removed. How tropical. The main problem is that it is still raining and the seats are all wet. There are two buses on our tour and we are directed on to the second one. We couldn't figure out what the criteria was for the separation until the tour started and we realized the other bus was strictly Japanese speaking. As we take off, there is suddenly this hideous screeching. We thought for a moment that they were giving us a preview of the Jurassic Park section of the tour, but no. It was just the brakes on the bus, which clearly hadn't been serviced since the reign of King Kamehameha III. However the tour was pretty cool. We saw the log that the dinosaurs jumped over in Jurassic Park and we saw the site for Hurley's Golf Course (again just watch Lost and be done with it) and the site of the cafe from 50 1st Dates among other things. Pretty cool!!!

3:26 p.m. - As our tour is coming to an end we hear an interesting factoid that is a repeat from one we heard from our zipline person. Over 80% of the vegetation in Hawaii is not native. Apparently, unlike Arizona, just about anything will grow in Hawaii. The downside is that it will force the fragile local stuff into extinction.

3:41 p.m. - We leave Kualoa Ranch and start back for Honolulu. We figure we have enough time to get dinner and then head back to the airport to catch our flight. On the road is a general store and I am feeling in the mood for a Dr. Pepper (which rarely happens) so I pull over. I walk into...I am not sure how to describe it. 90% of the stuff in this place can't possibly be for sale. If it is for sale, they seriously have to take a class on presentation. A quarter inch of dust covers everything and Hawaii is not a dusty place. There is one small rack of candy and a cooler in the corner with about 15 sodas in it. (I thank my lucky stars one of them is a Dr. Pepper.) I look around for a place to pay. That right there is a problem when the cash register area is not easily identified. I see a counter, (at this point I still have yet to see a person) and behind it is a stairwell into one of the dirtiest kitchens I have ever seen. A very old lady peaks around the corner and comes down. I am pretty sure she doesn't speak English. But if she does, she doesn't speak it to me. At this point, I am simply motivated to get out of here. This place is starting to resemble a set from a horror movie where people just up and disappear. However, there is one aspect that is truly positive. Along with everything else being very old and outdated, so is the pricing on my Dr. Pepper. I am pretty sure it is the cheapest one I purchased the entire week.

4:45 p.m. - Our thought process had been that we would come back into Honolulu and since we had a gift card to Cheesecake Factory, we would eat there and then get back to the airport to catch our plane. Oh how naive we were. Honolulu traffic is kicking our butt at this point. Heading into downtown is just brutal. But it gives us an opportunity to take in the city around us and...my way of putting it would be imagine being in a Los Angeles that had decided not to update since 1962. There are so many buildings that are that old 60s style that have not aged well and are really ugly. It is clearly not near as big, but the feel to me was very similar to LA. Anyway, we finally get to where the GPS is telling us The Cheesecake Factory should be and we realize we are right on the main road by Waikiki Beach.

A couple of things about Waikiki Beach. 1. There is no parking. I have clearly lived in Thatcher too long to think that we could slip into an area like this and have dinner and get back out reasonably quick. Sheer stupidity on my part. 2. TOO MANY PEOPLE!!! I am seriously missing Maui at this point. Oahu is feeling like Phoenix to Maui's Thatcher. I can't think of one town on Maui that I think is bigger than Safford and Thatcher put together. This strip on Waikiki Beach feels like the strip in Vegas without the seriously objectionable stuff. This is going to sound way too judgmental and it could be seriously affected by how frustrated I was trying to find a parking spot and then just giving up and trying to find a way out, but it looked like a bunch of posing people going to posing places all in an attempt to be hip. I now will accept the moniker of grumpy old grandpa and Waikiki Beach and I will agree to part ways peacefully and do our best to never cross paths again. Once more, to be fair, I didn't actually get to see the beach as I was trying not to get in a car wreck nor hit anyone which was actually harder than it sounds.

5:51 p.m. - We looked for a while for a place to eat, but just like Los Angeles, once you get to a place where you can actually park, you can't find a decent eating establishment to save your life. (A quick aside; this moment totally reminded me of the time that Shannon and I were with my parents and drove for, I am not exaggerating, 25 minutes in Los Angeles just looking for a restaurant. Any restaurant. We were so desparate we would have taken a McDonald's. That is something that would never happen to you in Mesa or Phoenix.) So we give up and start back for the car rental place. We have nicknamed the GPS Dave and he is doing a great job. Without him, things could have gone horribly wrong several times. However, it begins to rain heavily and traffic is tough when we are directed to go under the freeway. We are so close, but in our final moments of need, Dave leaves us as we lose signal for the GPS. So, we of course miss the turn we are supposed to make. By the way, there are a couple of places we could choose to grab a bite, but let's just throw in that they were located near the airport under the freeway and leave it at that. We are able to correct fairly quickly and soon are on our way back to the airport on the car rental shuttle.

6:33 p.m. - We are through security and starving. As I have mentioned before, one of the things I had been really looking forward to was the exotic eating choices we would have in the tropics. So you can imagine how disappointed I was with myself as we headed into an airport restaurant for dinner. The food was...ok and certainly was needed at that point, but we have now had meals in an airport, at McDonald's and a hideous fast food joint in Laie. I will have to beat myself repeatedly with seaweed when we get back to our Maui hotel...oh wait, there is no seaweed here. Yeah!!! That makes up for some of our culinary disappointments.

8:15 p.m. - We are boarded and on our way. We are still taxiing around a corner, when all of sudden we begin to accelerate to take off speeds...while still taking the corner. Got a bit of a cowboy pilot here it would seem.

8:48 p.m. - Definitely a cowboy. We are coming in for a landing when 5 seconds before touchdown, it feels like we accelarate. A lot! I thought maybe it was just me, but Shannon confirmed that that seemed really weird to her as well. So we are cruising past the airport at a pretty good clip. After what seems like an eternity, we finally slow down enough to turn. I am half wondering if we actually went past the airport and caught the Hana Highway with as far as we went. I look out the window and I can't even see the airport and I am on the right side of the plane to be seeing the airport. Over the intercom the pilot announces we will be taxiing for a while and to please keep our seat belts on. That's great Mr. Andretti but maybe we wouldn't have had to taxi so long if, again, you hadn't slammed on the gas AS WE WERE LANDING and gone half the length of Maui in the process!!! Have I mentioned my least favorite part of flying is landing? If not, my least favorite part of flying is landing. Now you know.

10:01 p.m. - After an uneventful pick up of our Maui car and a stop for gas (and some kind of liquid pick me up that has a slight essence of prunes) we drive the road back out to Kaanapali. It is funny, because at this point in our trip, we have spent more time on Oahu than on Maui, yet I feel like I have come home. And it feels good to be home. Oahu had some neat stuff, but a small town boy feels more comfortable on a small town island.

Hawaii Trip Day 3: For $60 We Will Treat You Like A Cow

2011-05-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

5:20 a.m. - How much do I hate myself for thinking that catching a flight to Oahu at 7:45 in the morning was a good idea? A LOT!!! I hate myself a lot at this exact moment.

6:15 a.m. - Arrive at the Maui airport as it is starting to rain. Since we are dressed in our Sunday best, we do not necessarily appreciate this. However, the thing that catches us the most off guard is the two chickens that are strolling through the Maui airport parking lot. I have never been to a place where chickens have such free reign over an entire community.

6:40 a.m. - Get through security without any real issues except that you always feel pressured to get through quickly and it stresses me out.

7:12 a.m. - We realize that we will be joined on our flight by several elementary school classes who are traveling to Oahu for a field trip. They look to be about Braden's age. The crabby adult in me is not thrilled. I have a headache from waking up so early and now this? How did we get so lucky?

7:48 a.m. - How did we get so lucky? I have to take back all of my grumpy old man thoughts as we take off. All of the kids raised their hands when we started picking up speed to take off like we were on a roller coaster. Then they all cheered when we actually lifted of the ground. That was pretty cool. I needed that to be reminded how fun being young is. It completely cheers me up and has me forgetting all about that 5:20 wake up call...

8:01 a.m. - Until I realize I got so flustered in the security line that I left my room key in the plastic bucket thing. @$%!#, we are three days into this vacation and I have lost three room keys. My high from taking off with the kids is quickly dampening as I think about having to go face that grumpy front desk lady again who is going to sigh even harder this time. Dang It!

8:04 a.m. - Let that go and start looking out the window. It really is amazing. We fly over our side of the island and we can see the beach where we are staying. The water is amazingly blue and it is quite a beautiful thing to see.

8:09 a.m. - Lean my head back to get a little rest and...Oh wait, the flight is about over. Man that was short.

8:17 a.m. - As we are pulling up to the gate, I realize this is the first 5th of May that will be completely unaffected by Mexico's indepence since my mission.

8:42 a.m. - We catch a shuttle over to the rental car place in Honolulu and it resembles what I imagine one of the worst parts of Los Angeles to look like. We walk in and I am getting things settled when Shannon gets cornered by a lady who is there to provide tourist information to the tourists. She is what I would imagine authors are describing when they say that a person has a leathery face. Suffice it to say that life's mileage has not been kind to this lady. After just a few minutes, Shannon is desparate to get away. Right at that point, I have finished up and Shannon goes to get out. For what ever reason, she heads out the door backwards. I don't know if she was fearful that this lady would attack her from behind if given the opportunity or what, but she walks out the door backwards and completely misses the step down. She is in heels and flailing as she gets to the second step down and misses it as well. I have no idea how she managed to stay upright. I remember watching this happen thinking, "Oh my gosh, we are going to spend our time on Oahu in the ER." But somehow, Shannon manages to get her balance. We then count our blessings and run to the car to get away from this cursed place with its scary people and just get to the temple. That would have been easier had I remembered to take off the parking break.

9:02 a.m. - We are completely lost on the roads of Honolulu and it is raining hard. We finally just pull over and rework the GPS only to find that somehow, we had actually stumbled on the right road. The Likiliki highway (pronounced leaky leaky). It is completely sophomoric, but that names makes me smile everytime I hear it or say it. We start down the Likiliki highway (see, the irony of having Shannon in the car as we start down the Likiliki highway just makes me chuckle) and are suddenly in some of the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen.

9:48 a.m. - We arrive at the Laie temple and ask if we can do sealings. Apparently this is not a common request as we seem to throw the place into a bit of turmoil. But they recover nicely and we begin sealings for a list of Chinese names. This is the first time I have ever done Chinese names and it is fascinating to see the temple cards with Chinese characters on them. Also, apparently they did not keep records of Chinese women's names as every name was the male's name followed by the exact same name with the ending of Fu Yen. The sealer explained that Fu Yen is the equivalent of Mrs. in English. Interesting.

10:20 a.m. - They need the two witnesses to report to the veil and so they ask if we can wait until they return. We agree and sit down with the sealer. He begins to talk to us about the history of the area and it is fascinating. Apparently in the late 1800s the Church purchased 6,000 acres for $14,000. That acreage is now the home of the temple, BYU-Hawaii and the Polynesian Cultural Center (PCC). He told us how the owner of the land wanted to sell right away, but that purchasing the land would require local leaders to get permission from Salt Lake, which would take months. The local leader of the Church agonized over this until he had a dream that Brigham Young was there and he was providing a tour to the Prophet. In his dream, Brigham Young was very pleased with the land and the local leader took this dream to be a sign that he should purchase the land.

We also discovered that our sealer had just returned from Hong Kong where he had been serving as the Temple President. He had also served in Hong Kong as the Mission President. What was especially amazing was that he asked where we were from and when we told him Thatcher, he asked if we knew Nolan Reed, which I do. His grandson is in our Deacon's quorum. He had worked with Nolan at BYU-Hawaii for 20 years. In the Church, it is truly a small world.

10:51 a.m. - Following the sealings, we spent a few minutes in the Celestial Room and it was stunning (as they all are). By not having white as one of the major colors in any part of the temple that we had been in up to that point, it was such a stark contrast when the Celestial Room as all white. It just gleamed.

11:13 a.m. - Leaving the temple, we take time to take pictures and take in the beauty of the temple. It is quite a different look from our Arizona temples. While taking pictures, a gentleman walks up and asks if we would like him to take a picture of both of us together. We think that would be great. That would have been great, but unfortunately, he never really got to a decent level of comfort with our camera and so we ended up with a slightly out of focus and uneven picture of both of us in front of the temple. Oh well. However, the gentleman asked where we were from and when we told him, he asked if we knew Danny Merrill. He only released me from my mission. He said when we saw them again to say hello from Santa Ted. We have been on LDS property for under 3 hours and already have met two people who not only know where Thatcher is, but know people from there that we know. WOW!

11:42 a.m. - After changing our clothes, we need to eat. Folks at the temple suggested we eat before we go to the PCC as it can be a tad expensive. So, we remember the good experiences we have had at Da Kitchen and Polli's and decide to try a small local diner. The place we chose, L&L Chopstick Express...reminded us how good Da Kitchen and Polli's were. The food was so...Ugh! Oh well, at least we are full before we head into the PCC.

12:26 p.m. - We are at the PCC picking up our tickets and the one thing I really did not appreciate about the PCC makes its first appearance. I ask for our tickets and they ask if we have been to the PCC before. We reply that we have not. I am then told that the package we have purchased is really for those who have been there before and that we really want to upgrade to the next level. Because at the next level, we can become part of a tour and we can make sure to maximize our PCC experience. Also, we will get priority seating and first entry into the Luau. Finally, we convince them that somehow we will suffer through our subpar package for first timers and will not be upgrading. They then offer another package for a little less money that when boiled down to what we would actually use, consists of ice cream during the evening show. So we can pay $50 extra for ice cream. That had better be some D___ GOOD ice cream! We decline. Having been in sales for much of my adult life, there is nothing I despise more than being upsold. I found it extremely frustrating to be dealing with this at a Church owned facility. It was my one really negative experience at the PCC which otherwise, as you shall see, we enjoyed. However, I will revisit this once more before I am done.

12:48 p.m. - We stroll into the Samoa area and the sun has come out. It is muggy and starting to get a little warm. So what do we do? We walk over and sit in an area where they are doing a cooking demonstration. SMART!

12:59 p.m. - The Samoa show is about to start and one of the aforementioned tours suddenly materializes out of nowhere and the almost empty seating area is now completely full. Show has neat demonstration on how to make fire and how to climb a coconut tree.

1:38 p.m. - We wander through the New Zealand area with the Mowris and get matching arm tattoos. I am reminded again that I am grateful to live in a culture that does not apply value to having facial tattoos.

2:00 p.m. - The cultural canoe presentation of all of the cultures represented at the PCC begins and it is fantastic. I go over and video it while Shannon sits and visits with some people next to her. She comes away with one of my favorite tourist trap stories from our vacation. The people next to her were saying how impressed they were that they had taken the time to book a sunset dinner cruise. They felt extremely lucky because the company they went through had over booked and so they had to reschedule. But because of the reschedule, they were upgraded free of charge to a table with a window...(pause)...has it hit you yet? A sunset cruise where you only get a window with an upgrade? HMMM!!!! Glad we didn't book that one.

The canoe presentation is exquisite. It was especially special to me because one of my favorite home movies growing up was of my mom's and grandmother's trip to Hawaii. One of the highlights was the canoe presentation. So to get to see it in person was extremely cool.

2:30 p.m. - From the canoe presentation, we head to the Tonga show. I think the Tongan drums are my favorite cultural representation at the whole PCC. They really get going.

3:30 p.m. - Our next little show is the Tahiti hip dancers. To be completely honest, their movements defy gravity...or some physical law. To be able to keep their upper body that still while getting that much movement from their hips does not seem right. We are so impressed with them that we make sure Shannon gets a picture with the dancers before we leave.

4:13 p.m. - We wander through several areas where they are not currently having shows and we run across the Fiji guy who does actually bear a slight resemblence to someone from my nightmares. Nice guy though. I don't know if it is required if you work at the PCC, but up close I notice that he shaves his chest. Talk about hostile work environment.

5:00 p.m. - It is luau time!!! Positives: We get an actual floral lei. We meet some nice people seated at the same table as us. The food is pretty darn good.

Negatives: We are forced to turn to our neighbor whom we have never met and say Aloha. I hate doing stuff like this at leadership seminars, I sure as heck am gonna hate it on my vacation. Hawaiian music and more Hawaiian music. I am so ready to slip the guitar player a $20 and beg for some CCR. The hostess of the luau. I felt like I was transported to Las Vegas circa 1962. I am just one of those people who never felt like I needed to see the Lawrence Welk show in person and yet, here I am.

Overall, I discovered I am not a luau kind of guy. We found out later that we could have gotten the same food without the shmaltz just around the corner and it would have been a much more come and go as you please type of situation, which I would have preferred as we missed the IMAX show I wanted to see because we were stuck listening to the reincarnated female Dean Martin.

Final note from here; this is the point where I was feeling conflicted emotions. I was really glad I had not given into the constant pressure from the upsale at the beginning of the day. But on the flip side, I was even more frustrated at the attempts made at upselling at a Church owned site now that I saw what I would have gotten for my extra $60 bucks. We would have been treated like cattle. The tours just ran people from one thing to the next and never gave anyone an opportunity to experience anything. Second, the "preferred" seating at the luau was the table 1.5 feet directly to the right of us. Lastly, getting seated first at the luau? We actually got in first before any of them. Had I actually bought that, I would have been REALLY HOT!!! Good thing I would have had the $50 ice cream at the evening show to cool me off. I know I am spending a lot more time on this than all the other things we experienced, and that isn't fair. The rest of the PCC was incredible. The problem is trying to describe it. It was just beautiful and amazing and...you are probably sick of these and similar adjectives. But this one aspect was something I had no problem putting into words. And now, I will leave it alone. Unless for $10 more you would like me to continue for two more minutes.

6:21 p.m. - It has started to rain again and so we need to kill time before the evening show but indoors where we won't get soaked. This requires us to go into a store. We buy a few knick knacks, but mainly we just wander. We wander into a section of the store where a Tongan student is hanging out playing a ukelele. We start up a conversation and he asks where we are from. To most people we have been saying a small town in southeastern Arizona. Most people will respond, "Tucson?" We then describe where we are in relation to Tucson which leads to a glazed look on the other folks' faces 10 seconds in to our description. But this guy says, what's the name of your town. We say he probably hasn't heard of it but he says, "Try me." When we tell him Thatcher, he says that Brett Nelson from Thatcher was his favorite companion. Shannon grew up with the Nelsons in her ward and Brett and his wife actually lived in our ward for a short time. With the number of people now at three that know where Thatcher is and people from there, we are convinced that Thatcher is the nexus of the LDS universe. Incredible.

7:15 p.m. - Before we go into the evening show, Shannon stops at a pearl shop and wins a fresh pearl. Pretty neat! She then informs me she needs a $300 ring to set the pearl in. Man, even the free stuff here is expensive.

7:30 p.m. - The evening show, Ha - Breath of Life blows away anything we had seen up to this point and we had seen some pretty neat stuff. The highlights are the Tongan section with their drums, the Tahitian dancers and the Samoan fire dancer at the end. I could go on and on but it would include words like exquisite and beautiful and amazing and...you get the drift. Bottom line, the evening show was worth the entire price of admission...even without the ice cream. (Sorry, couldn't resist)

9:30 p.m. - We get to follow a tour bus going 40 mph all the way back to Honolulu. Imagine at least 10 snarky comments about that and you will have a small sampling of my thoughts during that 45 minute trip.

10:14 p.m. - We are following the GPS through downtown Honolulu (add downtown Honolulu to my list of places where my first experience driving them is at night) and my favorite GPS moment of the trip happens. It tells us, "At the end of the street turn right then at the end of the street turn left." I just thought that was kind of funny.

10:27 p.m. - We arrive at the parking lot of our hotel. It is a regular parking lot, but we are required to view it as valet parking. We get to pay $25 for this privilege. Now imagine seeing the spot they are going to park my car just 20 feet away from where we are speaking to the valet service. I could zip into the spot very easily. But no, they will do it for me...for $25. But I needn't worry. They will be available 24/7 to get my car when I need it...20 feet away. I almost ask if this is mugging Honolulu style, but I manage to stop myself.

10:32 p.m. - We check in and are told they are having a special. For just $15 more they will upgrade our room to one almost twice the size. Why would we need that for just one night???

10:38 p.m. - Because our standard room is the size of a shoe box. This picture below is taken with me leaning backwards over the credenza up against the main wall. The shower was smaller than a casket. Welcome to Waikiki Beach!!! I miss Maui already.

10:54 p.m. - Another added feature of our hotel is that even though we are 10 stories up, the buses and sirens of the street below sound like they are right in the room with us. Pretty sure we won't be making a return booking with the Courtyard by Marriott in Honolulu anytime soon. Fortunately, we are so tired, we fall asleep pretty quickly.

Hawaii Trip Day 2: Are My Legs Supposed To Be Sideways?

2011-05-19T14:19:00.000-07:00

5:45 a.m. - As I lay in bed now suddenly awake, I realize that even though the clock says it is 5:45, my body probably still thinks it is 8:45 and will probably not go back to sleep. So I get up and put my swimming suit on and sneak outside so I won't wake Shannon up. If I do that on vacation before she is ready...let's just say I don't wake Shannon up before she is ready on vacation. I walk out to the beach and...I am completely by myself. I can see one jogger four hotels away, but that is it. I have the world famous Kaanapali Beach all to myself. Pretty Cool!!!

6:15 a.m. - I am now sitting right at the point where the water breaks on the shore and loving it. I am constantly having to look around to make sure no one has come and is watching me, because I am acting like a 5 year old and letting the water wash me up the beach and just laughing the whole time. Not once do I feel seaweed and the water is perfect. San Diego and LA, you are now dead to me.

6:30 a.m. - Head back up to the room and reach for the room key only to discover...an angry sea has claimed my room key. Actually it has claimed both of my room keys because for some idiotic reason I took them both with me. So now, we have no room keys. Hope Shannon has woken up at this point.

6:45 a.m. - Learn that Maui sand is extremely sticky. I can point a shower head directly at it and it will not de-attach itself from skin. Also, I have apparently brought much more with me than I had anticipated. We now have our own personal beach in the bottom of our bathtub. I am climbing the charts with a bullet when it comes to the maid's favorite guest award.

7:20 a.m. - Get to make the walk of shame to the front desk and admit that both of our room keys are probably half way to Lanai. With an exasperated sigh, the front desk lady lets me know I am not the first. Her body language indicates I may be the dumbest though. I get my cards and get out fast.

7:50 a.m. - Before we left, Rhett had told me about how one of his favorite things about Maui was the breakfasts with all the fresh fruit that you just can't get in Arizona. My mouth would water with his tales of pineapply goodness and mango ecstasy...(Ok, he told me it was really good and I thought it sounded good. That is about as far as it goes. So everyone can erase those visions of he and I salivating all over ourselves while taking the tithing to the bank on a Sunday afternoon. It just didn't happen...or did it???) So, for our first breakfast we walk over to a shopping area called the Whaler's village and...McDonald's is the only thing open. To top it off, they don't even sell a pineapple McMuffin, they just charge two dollars more for the sausage McMuffin I can get in Safford. Unfortunately, we have to eat and get going to make it to our morning appointment with the zipline. I am not going to lie. I was a little disappointed in us at that moment.

8:32 a.m. - We are on the road to Makawao where the zip line folks at Piiholo Ranch operate. We might be running a little late for our 9:30 check in time, but we should be fine. The only thing that could really cause us any problem would be...

8:39 a.m. - ...getting stuck behind a bus on a two lane road where passing is not really allowed. Should have taken island time into the equation.

9:05 a.m. - As we continue to get closer to Makawao, we can't help but notice the increasingly black looking clouds that are building directly where we seem to be headed. Also, I misunderstood the GPS and ended up on the wrong road. This could be due to the fact that it is Braden's GPS (don't ask) and he has converted the readings from standard to Metric. The only issue with that is that Mr. GPS voice can't say meters clearly and it sounds like inches. (I am fully aware that those two words sound nothing alike. Now you are starting to understand my frustration when the GPS indicated I should turn in 400 inches.) I now need to make a u-turn. Which brings up a small problem that exists in Maui. At no point is anyone allowed to make a U-turn. In fact, it appears that about 90% of the left hand turns that one would need to make to correct a navigational error are also illegal. Good crap, what is a person supposed to do???

9:07 a.m. - Break the law.

9:24 a.m. - We have made it to Makawao. We are doing great. We should be completely fine. The only thing that could possibly mess us up would be...

9:25 a.m. - road contruction in the middle of town.

9:33 a.m. - Fortunately, it wasn't overly serious construction and we arrive almost on time. We check in and go back and forth on which cameras to bring with us as we continue to watch the black clouds pour over the top of us. We decide to go with my droid's camera...after five or six trips to the car.

9:36 a.m. - Logan goes pee for the first time.

9:57 a.m. - Our guide is ready to start handing out our gear, but wait...Logan has gone pee for the second time.

10:06 a.m. - In the course of getting my gear on, I somehow drop my hotel key (yes, my new hotel key) on the ground. Fortunately, someone in our group found it and I was able to get it back, allowing me to avoid an additional visit to the front desk lady, who, to be completely honest, scares me just a little bit.

10:18 a.m. - After all of the gear has been handed out and instructions given, we are ready to go ziplining. But first you have to cross a suspension bridge that wobbles pretty good. I have to admit after getting 10 feet out on the 100 foot bridge, I thought we might lose Shannon before we ever got started. Suspensions bridges are just not her thing. However, in other news, she needs to use the bathroom again.

10:30 a.m. - First zipline is the bunny hill. You climb up a tower that is about 45 feet in the air and then zip across a meadow. Very tame. Unfortunately, my poor wife who has a thing about heights (So you ziplined why??? you may be asking) is freaking just a little bit. Fortunately she is a good sport and off we go and it is...AWESOME!!!!!!!

10:42 a.m. - While waiting for everyone to finish, we talk with everyone else in our group only to discover that we are in with a group of Canadians. All of the other four couples are from Canada just by coincidence. We also learn we don't know how to vacation. One other couple is there for two weeks and then it goes up from there to one couple who is there for six weeks. What were thinking? Oh yeah, we have jobs, children and not enough money to stay for six weeks. Oh well.

10:52 a.m. - Ok, now we are getting serious. The second line is quite a bit longer and we are about 200 feet in the air at some points. Amazingly, after our first experience, Shannon never looks back and doesn't seem scared at all.

11:58 a.m. - Getting ready for our fourth line, Shannon sees a sign she thinks is just hilarious. I personally think it has merit.

12:21 p.m. - After the fourth line, they put us in vehicles and take us to the top of a high peak for the final mahamalama line. That is not an actual Hawaiian word, just a jibberish word I personally like to use when describing something a little massive and over the top. Before we start, we take some moments to appreciate the view.

12:30 p.m. - The final line is a half mile long and at one point, you are 690 feet above the ground. There aren't words to describe how cool this was. The picture below is taken from a platform right next to the beginning of this line. As we start, it quickly becomes apparent that this last line is a little...a lot more intimidating than the last four. You are seriously up there. Also, at this point, the rain has picked up again and the wind is coming at us from the left hand side. This causes my first real bit of panic as it is blowing my legs to the right and I can't keep them pointed straight. I can hear the rollers scraping on the cable from the pressure of my body pulling it to the side. I now truly start to contemplate what would happen if the harness were to fail at this point. Not enjoying that moment of contemplation, I try to put it out of my head and enjoy the final quarter mile of our ziplining experience. I do and am ready to jump right back up and do it again when it is over. Shannon and I both just loved this experience and would definitely do it again. However, after talking with one of the couples in our group, we will check out the company first. The company we zipped with had all kinds of good equipment. The one she had done previously in Mexico, they gave them gloves with padding and told them to grab the cable to stop themselves. And there was a mattress on a tree at the end of the line. That is a little too adventurous for me.

1:23 p.m. - After leaving Piiholo Ranch and saying goodbye to our new Canadian friends (and a trip to the bathroom for Logan), we headed back in to Makawao and look for a place to eat lunch. There is a Mexican restaurant that looks like a complete dive, but for some reason, we are both craving Mexican food. We decide to give it a try while not holding out much hope.

1:32 p.m. - So much for our snooty Arizona Mexican food snobbery. This place is incredible. I have the shrimp and fish burrito while Shannon has the shrimp and fish enchilada. And the salsa is made fresh each morning and is wonderful. This clearly appears to be a local hangout though as we do not look the part. I am the only male in the whole place with a shirt that has sleeves. I was half tempted to rip my sleeves off right there to fit in better, but then realized that my farmer's tan would make it appear that I actually did still have sleeves on. Plus, if I had done that, it really would have put the pressure on Shannon as every woman there had on a tank top. Who knew our t-shirt and jeans combo would have us completely over dressed for the establishment.

1:35 p.m. - Logan pees again.

2:12 p.m. - We finish lunch and...Logan needs to pee again. We have the circular discussion that goes something like, "You have to go again?" "I drink a lot of water." It is at this point in the discussion where I believe the obvious has just been asked and answered. So pointing out that...then...maybe you shouldn't drink so much water is pointless because I know I will just get that rolling eye look that implies that I am such a moron. I know in my heart that my reasoning is sound, but I do want to avoid the eye rolling look as much as possible this trip.

2:30 p.m. - Driving back, we call our kids. When Shannon asks Kate if she is being nice to Tristin, she replies, "I don't like her." Shannon then asks, "Can you be nice to her?" to which Kate responds, "Ok, bye."

2:46 p.m. - Not yet 24 hours in Maui and...second trip to Wal-Mart. GOOD GOSH!!!!

3:58 p.m. - Head out to the beach and swim in the ocean. When we come back to the room, we add an additional gallon or two of sand to our own bathtub beach as we get ready to go into Lahaina for our dinner show.

5:55 p.m. - Get to Lahaina and report in to Warren and Annabelle's. This is a dinner theater where the main attraction is...a magic show. We decided to see it based on Rhett and Alysia Dodge's recommendation. When Rhett told us about it, he said, "I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is really cool." He better be right.

6:30 p.m. - The parlor area where you wait is tastefully decorated and is centered around a piano where the local "ghost" will play any song that is called out by the audience to the hostess who then tells the "ghost" what to play. I called out "Dude Looks Like A Lady" but the hostess either didn't hear me or...something.

We are clearly bringing the average age in the room down by a couple years all by ourselves. The majority of the room is 60 plus and apparently on their second or third marriages. Not all of them though. One couple is celebrating their 50 something wedding anniversary. Pretty impressive. Pretty old.

It is at this point that I notice the manager is taking a little too much of an interest in us and sure enough, he comes over and asks if we will help with the show. Because I am apparently that sucker who was born that minute, I said yes. Oh heavens how I relive that moment in my nightmares over and over.

6:55 p.m. - We move into the theater and because we have agreed to help, we get seats in the front row. This magician uses no smoke, mirrors or other gimmicks, he is apparently going to be 3 feet from us the entire time.

7:02 p.m. - Show begins and this guy is really funny and REALLY good. Unfortunately, he is also a superb showman which means that he needs a good foil to pick on...oh wait, that is me. He does a card trick where four of us in the front row take a card and then we are supposed to put it back in the deck. When he comes to me, he holds the cards in a way that I couldn't put the card anywhere but back on top. As soon as I do that, he stops and looks at me and says, "Buddy, this trick ain't gonna be that hard if I know where the card is. You are supposed to put it in the middle. Folks, I think we found Gomer this evening." And yes, Gomer was my name, the rest of the evening.

7:45 p.m. - I can honestly say, I have not laughed this hard in a long time. This really is the best show. I don't even mind being the "stupid" one for the show because that means I get to be right there and watch him and...he is incredible. I won't spoil any of the tricks in case someone decides to go, but suffice it to say that Shannon and I were part of several tricks that...I have no idea how he could possibly do what he did including changing something that was RIGHT INSIDE SHANNON'S HAND!!! I am not kidding. We have wondered about that one for hours.

8:42 p.m. - Towards the end of the show, he needs an additional bottle of water and he asks if I will go get him one. He even invites me to get one for myself. Warning bells begin to go off in the back of my head. I get to the bar and ask for the waters and the bartender insists I have a drink on him and one for my wife since they should have had water available for the star of the show. I can sense this is not going to end well for me, but there is no way out and so I go back in with Warren's water and Shannon's drink and my drink (which hopefully I don't have to say were of the virgin variety.) He pounces on me like a lion on a defenseless zebra. "I said get yourself a water. That doesn't look like water. Did you pay for those drinks. Oh the bartender did. Whose name appears on the front of this theater? Yeah, not the bartender, mine. So who do you think actually paid for those drinks. That's right, me. But believe me, you'll pay..." That final statement doesn't bring me much comfort. Also, while I was gone, he discovered we are LDS and has some fun with the fact that we have drinks from the bar. His exact words were, "There will some phone calls to the Tabernacle tonight." Through all of this, I can't even answer him because I am laughing too hard. Sure enough, within fifteen minutes, I have paid for those drinks...Big Time! Again, not to ruin the show for anyone, but I truly hate the word Papaya now with all of my being.

9:10 p.m. - After the show, we get with two of the three other couples who were on the front row with us and as it turned out, we were all LDS. We laughed it out and separated to go home.

9:45 p.m. - Get back to hotel and immediately get ready for bed as we have to leave our hotel room at 6:00 a.m. to catch a flight to Oahu the next day. But Warren was right when just before he did one trick, he said, "Now this one is gonna keep you up at night." He was right. I couldn't help lying there for 10 minutes or so trying to figure how that stupid trick was possible. I have come to the conclusion that Warren at some point sold his soul to the devil. There is no other explanation.

Hawaii Trip Day 1: I Know, Let's Kick The Crazy Lady

2011-05-13T15:48:00.000-07:00

Since it is now a tradition in our family to blog each day of a vacation, (we do this so we can have a solid recollection of our trips and be able to go back and read about them as a family later on) I begin the daily recaps of the recent trip Shannon and I took to Maui and Oahu, HI. We took this trip to celebrate our 15th anniversary which occured this last January. I have always done these posts in a time specific manner. I will attempt that here, but know that it will not be exact, or in some cases, even that close. Since there are times when I wasn't even sure what day it was, it would be ridiculous to hint that I was always aware of the exact times that things occur. The following are only my best attempts at recollection:

7:15 a.m. - Lamar drives Shannon and I to the airport. It is right in the midst of rush hour. I would make some joke here, but frankly, there is nothing funny at all about rush hour.

8:07 a.m. - After getting three kids through security for our trip to Florida, we are now seasoned pros at getting through security in a timely manner. However, we did have the opportunity to be screened by the new show you naked security screeners. As long as I don't have to know what the picture looks like, seemed pretty harmless to me. Now we have an hour and a half to sit and wait for the plane. It seems so pointless to come two hours early to the airport and then sit and wait forever. (Ominous foreshadowing music begins to play, stay tuned.)

9:10 a.m. - Shannon's last visit to the bathroom before we board is highlighted by a 50 something year old woman crawling out from under the door of the bathroom stall on her belly, claiming she couldn't get the latch undone. I think I would have exhausted every attempt at fake karate in my arsenal before I would contemplate getting down on my stomach in an airport bathroom. (I pause to shudder)

9:32 a.m. - We get situated on the plane and the first thing Shannon does is go straight to the Sky Mall magazine. I cannot for the life of me figure out her fascination with this publication. I have never seen such a load of crap in my life. Yes there are some really different and unique inventions that would be cool. But everything is so pointless. After a few minutes of enduring my own personal QVC channel, I put my earbuds in and turn on the ipod. I am so glad this time away from our kids is giving us this time to communicate so freely with each other.

11:48 a.m. - Arrive in San Francisco without incident but find that our flight to Kahului, Maui has been delayed by two hours. That means we get to spend 4 hours in the San Francisco airport. We are dressed for Maui. The San Fran airport is not Maui. It more resembles the arctic circle. This is going to be a long four hours.

12:35 p.m. - As the gate area gets more and more crowded with those who are scheduled to be on our flight, the natives begin to get restless. Some poor ticket agent made the mistake of mentioning that some snacks might be provided during the wait. Well, the dogs set on him like a shiny slab of porterhouse steak. One woman began demanding that her "snack" should be free mai tai's. Yes, that is what we need. Let's add alcohol to this situation. I don't get people sometimes. There was quite a demand to know when these snacks would arrive when we all know they are going to be crap airplane stuff. But because it is free crap airplane stuff, people want it and they want it NOW!

12:50 p.m. - Mai tai lady thinks since we are all headed to Hawaii and they aren't providing free mai tais, that she will help the situation by playing Hawaiian music she has stored on her phone at full volume. This does not prove to be the hit I think she was hoping for, but then again, she could not seem to care less and so Don Ho it is for all of us. I sincerely hope she isn't staying at our hotel.

3:01 p.m. - With 15 minutes until boarding time, Shannon finds a place she could have had a pedicure done while she waited, but now we are out of time. Darn it. From my back pocket, our already heating up credit card gives a quiet sigh of relief.

4:10 p.m. - We get into the air and the pilot turns off the seat belt sign. I am very impressed with Shannon. She has had a very tough time with the fact that we would be flying over the ocean. That is big time fear of hers and she has faced it very well so far. However, I can't say the same for this lady who immediately stands up and walks to the back of the plane looking very anxious.

4:12 p.m. - Same lady walks down the other aisle back to the front of the plane.

4:15 p.m. - Wait, here she comes again. When she gets to the back of the plane, it takes a minute or so before the steward comes over the loud speaker asking if there is any medical personnel on the plane. All of this is doing wonders for Shannon's mental stability.

5:18 p.m. - In flight movie begins. It is Country Strong with Gwyneth Paltrow and Tim McGraw. I thought it looked stupid so I choose not to watch it.

6:09 p.m. - The anxious/crazy lady is now just doing laps around the plane. So what does Shannon do? She kicks her. Oh I am sure that will help the situation. Ok, so she didn't mean to kick her and she apologized. But seriously, at this point, I think we should be taking any precautions necessary to avoid causing any problems for this woman.

6:21 p.m. - They are having an in-flight contest to see who can guess the exact minute that we hit the half-way point to Hawaii. The winner gets a CD of Hawaiian music. YEAH!!! Thanks to mai tai lady, I think I am going to give this contest a pass.

7:09 p.m. - Even without listening in and only watching bits and pieces, I am feeling pretty good about my belief that Country Strong is stupid. From what I can tell, Gwyneth Paltrow spends the entire movie singing, crying and depressed, drinking, singing while crying and depressed, crying and depressed while drinking or in bed in her underwear doing all of the above including singing. How could this movie have bombed? I just don't get it.

5:10 p.m. - Hey, we have made it safely to Maui. With the three hour time difference, it is still light outside. We know we are not in Kansas anymore when we get off the plane and discover that the airport is open air. And perfect!!!

5:37 p.m. - I have looked forward to this trip for months. We have traveled hundreds, maybe even thousands of miles. All of my hopes and dreams are caught up in this amazing trip we have just embarked on. And what is the first thing we do when we arrive...??? That's right, we go to Wal-Mart. I am not kidding. Now there is a good reason. We know that stopping here will get us beach chairs and water shoes and stuff for a much cheaper price than we would pay when we get to our final destination, but seriously...WAL-MART? You will be happy to know, it looks exactly the same there as it does anywhere. And just to make us really feel at home, I am shopping and pass by a local with a shirt on that is 3 sizes to small so that we can see his gut hanging over his pants and when passes me, I am thrilled to discover that he is also giving us a view of a partial lunar eclipse without even bending over. AAAAHHHHH!!!!! Shannon dubs him our Hawaiian version of a red neck. Wal-Mart in the spring, it's universal.

6:32 p.m. - Yes, we did spend almost an hour in Wal-Mart and now we need to find someplace to eat. We find a little diner open called Da Kitchen. It is fantastic. I have Garlic Shrimp Fried Rice(Really warming up for that romantic week we are going to have) and Shannon has some Korean Noodles dish. It is soooo good. The only frightening thing is that the waitresses, while friendly, all wear tank tops and are extremely buff. If this is how every local female looks, I am set to feel highly intimidated and emasculated this entire trip as any one of the waitresses could easily have kicked my butt at any point during dinner.

7:41 p.m. - It is now time to begin the 45 minute drive out to our hotel in Lahaina. I am sure it is a beautiful drive, but it is now dark so we could be driving in New Mexico on our way to Virden for all I know. It makes me realize though how many places I have been where my first experience driving in a new locale has occured at night when I can't see any thing. Here is a list that may or may not be complete: Maui, Chicago, Atlanta (all the way to South Carolina), Gaerwyn Wales, Orlando.

8:34 p.m. - Arrive at our hotel and the lobby is also open air. We are greeted with shell leis and are assigned our room. Negative, miles away from an elevator and on the fifth floor. Positive, 25 feet from the beach and a balcony that overlooks the beach. We will take it. The picture at the top of the post is the view right outside of our room.

8:45 p.m. - We take a night time walk on the beach and the sand is softer than anything I have ever experienced before. This is going to be good.

10:30 p.m. - We are ready for bed. One reason we have the room that we have is they ran out of King size bed rooms. So we were upgraded to a deluxe ocean view room that has two double beds. I am sure they thought we would be disappointed. Boy were they wrong. We just majorly scored. We get an upgraded room with a bigger bathroom AND I don't have to be kicked out of my own bed for this entire trip. Life is very good.

The Gilmore Guys

2011-04-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

I am not sure when it happened, but at some point over the last couple months, it appears I morphed into a teenage girl. This does not give me any pleasure and I am still checking into whether it is reversable or not, but it appears to have happened none the less. My evidence is:

A. I recently downloaded four (count them, FOUR) Taylor Swift songs onto my ipod. I know, I know. Next thing you know I will be doing that adorable (echhh) little heart thing with my fingers to my kids as they leave for school each morning or writing songs about Shannon every time she ticks me off. But doggone it, I really kind of like some of her tunes. Can someone please help me?

B. At the suggestion of my cousin and his wife, Shannon and I started watching The Gilmore Girls on DVD. When I suggested this to Shannon her initial reaction was, "Really? That doesn't strike me as a show you would be interested in." She apparently couldn't be more wrong. I am now looking up on-line availability at the Independence Inn in Stars Hollow, CT for our next vacation.

Ok, it isn't that severe, but I was at lunch with several people that I work with and I mentioned that I was watching this show and another lady said, "Oh yeah, that is a pretty good show. I started watching it when my 11 year old daughter got me into it." So apparently, I am lining up well with the 10-25 year old female demographic. At least it is a more appealing demographic to advertisers than the fat, bald white males over 35 demo I am actually in.

But actually, this show has been really interesting to me as it deals really well with the generational issues in our society. From the sarcasm that so afflicts my generation (Gen X) to the reality that the younger folks born after 1980 (Gen Y) actually relate better to their grandparents (Baby Boomers) than we their own children do. For those who are unfamiliar with the premise of this show, a 32 year old woman is forced to re-establish connections with her blue blood parents after years of self banishment. Sixteen years in fact because that is when she got pregnant in high school with her daughter. The situation that forces this reconnection is that her incredibly intelligent daughter is accepted to a very prestigious and very expensive prep school. So in order to pay her entrance fee, she has to beg money from her parents who in turn require her to let them be a part of her and her daughter's life in return. It can be a very funny show, but with undercurrents like that, it can get pretty serious pretty fast.

And that leads me to an episode we watched the other night, where the main character, Loralie, gets engaged. At the same time as her engagement, her daughter Rory invites her new boyfriend over to dinner with the grandparents. It doesn't go well and the grandfather ends up attacking the boy verbally. This doesn't go over well with Rory and she is of course very angry at her grandfather. While everyone is stewing over the fall out of this dinner, Loralie's mother gets a call from a friend of Loralie's asking if she wants to be a part of their engagement party. The problem is that Loralie hadn't actually told her parents yet about her engagement. Aren't television writers good at creating tangled webs of intrigue? Following that phone conversation, the grandmother marches into the grandfather's office and tells him he will fix this issue with Rory immediately. He will call and apologize, even beg for forgiveness if necessary. He is affronted and demands to know why on earth he would do such a thing. She informs him that when Rory gets engaged, she wants her to actually tell them that she is engaged. He is confused and asks what the heck she is talking about. She replies, "Our daughter is engaged, and she didn't tell us." She then leaves the room and once outside, slumps under the reality of what has just happened. When I watched this scene, I started to laugh at the beginning and yet by the end, I was truly saddened. Because, while it is fiction, it is safe to say that many family relationships have gone through similar trials that carry the same weight of regret. Including my own.

Immediately, I started to think of all that had occured over the last fifteen years. Ok, probably even more than that. You see, my mother and my brother have always had a unique relationship. They truly loved each other, but they had a unique ability to push each other's buttons unlike anyone else. That reality was established in our formative years. Whether they enjoyed it or not, they always were able to engage in vigorous debate. I always hated that. But it was our reality.

After we all grew up and I had just gotten engaged to Shannon, Jerry sent a letter to my parents informing them he was gay. My mother took it very hard. She cried a lot and questioned herself as a parent. There was the "how do we handle this" discussion and the difficult task for my parents of informing extended family members. They really struggled. I was about to say I probably was not as supportive as I should have been, but the reality is, I definitely was not as supportive as I should have been to both my mother or my brother. I was starting a new life in Mesa with a new wife and not a lot of time to think between a full time job and being a full time student at ASU. So I was not privy to a lot of the communication between my brother and parents at that time. That is probably for the best.

I suppose I should mention that I never took Jerry's orientation as hard as my parents did. To me it just was. You see, I had harbored a secret dream away from my entire family my whole life. And unfortunately, my reaction to this revelation was much more self-centered than it should have been. All of my friends in high school had close relationships with their brothers, or at least it appeared that way to me. In my mind, I romanticized the family relationships of my good friends and always felt cheated when it appeared I didn't have the same. (I have since come to realize my view of the "perfect" family situation doesn't exist, but at 12, 14, 16 or even 22, I hadn't quite made that connection yet.) So from my point of view, I just wanted my parents to accept the situation and let's all be a happy family. Even if we have to pretend, just do it. I never voiced this opinion out loud and that is probably for the best as it became apparent through the years that I was the only one who would have been content in that scenario.

Anyway, through the years there would be periods where things seemed better and then there were times when things clearly seemed not better. There was the thawing that occured when my parents decided to let Kirt become part of our lives. There was the trip to Utah where we spent a good deal of time with them and the one time I can remember seeing the results of my brother's efforts in theater in Park City. (Just as vivid about that trip is Abby puking on the floor of a restaurant in Park City and the waiter bringing us a rag to clean it up. Good times.) Unfortunately, there would also be times where we wouldn't see Jerry for a while. There would be times when I would call my mom and she would tell me about a fight they had just had. It was very frustrating to me that they couldn't accept each other for who they were.

Finally, we had moved to Thatcher and it had been several years since I had seen Jerry. My mom called and said they had had a pretty big blow up and he was about done with us. She sent me an e-mail he had sent her that was pretty rough. In hind sight, she probably shouldn't have done that. Without being privy to all that had preceded it, it came across as pretty unfair to my mom. And it made me angry. My anger wasn't necessarily all directed at Jerry, but he was the person I could focus it on. My anger was more directed at the entire situation. Why couldn't we just move on? Why did we keep having to go through all of this over and over? As members of the LDS faith, we believe a certain way and Jerry sees it differently. That's it. The end. In my frustration, I wrote a long e-mail that just gave it with both barrels to my brother. I was very witty and cutting in a way that just let all of my emotions out. Fortunately, before I hit send, I stopped. I asked Shannon to read it. One of the great blessings of my life is my wife. She calmly asked me if this was what I really wanted to do. She pointed out to me the possible ramifications of sending that e-mail. As soon as she started to talk, I knew I wouldn't send it. My pride required me to pretend like I still might for a little bit, but I knew she was right. I erased it and sent a much shorter and less vitriolic version. Jerry responded and politely informed me that this was between him and my mother and he was correct. However, things did not look good for our family relationships going forward. And then things changed.

I don't remember exactly how long it was, but it wasn't long before my mom got her diagnosis of cancer. What is odd is how we all responded. My mom had actually had cancer five years earlier and at the time, none of us felt overly threatened by it. She was treated and pronounced cancer free and it never really was a worry. When it happened this time, I remember thinking to myself before we even really knew what was happening that this time was different. I prayed I was wrong, but I knew I wasn't. But once we were fairly certain that this was not going to be dealt with easily, our family dynamics started to change. For once, being right in an argument no longer mattered to anybody. I specifically remember one evening I was getting ready to go over to a family dinner at the Claridges when Jerry called and we talked for over 40 minutes about mom and all the things that were going on. Jerry and I had not talked on the phone for over 15 minutes in...maybe ever. It was a horrible topic of conversation, but one visit I cherish. From that time on, I am not aware of any family disagreements. Everyone just seemed to recognize that time together is so much more valuable than we realize. We had our first family photo in over 9 years. I was worried that the subject of whether Kirt should be in it would be an issue. I am so glad it wasn't. He is part of our family. Jerry came down many times in the final months. He was able to do something that I wasn't. Care for her. I wanted to, but fully accepting that role would have been to me a way of accepting what was happening. I didn't want to do that. I still don't. But Jerry wanted to do anything he could. Wanted to be there to give my dad a break. I am so grateful for the relationship my brother and mother had in the final months.

We are coming up on that time of year where it will be the anniversary of my mom's passing. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday that we had what we had. Don't get me wrong. I wish my mom was still here. But I am so grateful we had the time we had to say goodbye. To move beyond the feelings that had built up over time and see each other again as family first. Because I dread the thought of losing her the way we lost Shannon's dad. Sudden. Things would have been left undone and healing may not have had a chance to take place. It has allowed us in some ways to start again. My kids have gotten to know their uncles Jerry and Kirt. We have taken the time to travel to Utah and spend time together and they have travelled here. This is what I always wanted.

And mainly, when Jerry called me and told me that he and Kirt had started the process of adoption, I was glad he let us know. I would hate to have found myself in the position of Emily Gilmore. Having to deal with the reality that my brother was in the process of beginning a family, and because of a distant relationship, he didn't tell me.

If Jerry reads this, I hope he isn't offended by anything I have shared. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him and am glad he is my brother. How proud I am of him and especially how much I love him. I am really looking forward to being an uncle. I look forward to laughing at him as he discovers the unadvertised joys of parenthood. Laughing mostly in a supportive way with just a little in the "you have no idea what is coming" way. My only regret is that my mom won't be here to be grandma.

So, back to my teenage girl issues. As you can see I have also developed this inability to say anything in a short and concise manner. What?...I have always had that problem. Ok, point well taken. Anyway, in other news our family recently traveled to a family reunion in Phoenix. It was a beautiful day and some pictures can be found below. Also, we are almost done enclosing our garage and here are some before and current pictures of our progress.

Satan's Master Plan Has Mouse Ears

2011-03-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

This past winter, I took my boys and Kate to see Tangled one day when we were down in the Mesa area. I had heard good things about it and of course I try to love all things Disney. (Try being the operative word here. Chicken Little, Pocahontas and most Disney Channel shows deserve nothing less than a public stoning, but I did try to like them.) Anyway, we absolutely loved it. We laughed, I cried just a tad and my kids were very confused about that, but such is life and we left wishing we could watch it all over again right then.

Because of that experience, I knew that we would be adding Tangled to our DVD collection. This really wasn't a stretch as most Disney movies make it into our video library. So I was on Amazon looking up when it comes out on DVD and I found myself reading the reviews that people had left for the movie. I don't know why I do that. Maybe I have a lack of self confidence in my taste in movies and need positive reinforcement from others. No telling. Anyway, almost every review was glowing and I was basking in the 60s type love in we were all having about this movie when I came across this review. This is an actual paragraph copied from a review on Amazon. I hope this is someone having a joke at the religious right's expense, because if not, WOW! We will get to that in a moment. The title of this review was: Not A Kid's Movie - Should Be Rated X

These reviews missed a very profound, but negative, element of the movie. It had very STRONG GAY images and portrayals. There were gay bar scenes that seemed to be a through-line in the movie. Nothing but men in GAY LIKE attire including -- earrings, tight cut off vests, and even one with effeminate gay gestures that pranced and sashayed across the room with bright red Lip Stick on ... obviously no women were present. Many of the men that "lived" in the gay bar had effeminate aspirations -- dancers, basket weaving(I believe), and interior decorating.

...What In the HELL?!?! What Westboro Baptist Church did this person crawl out from under? Again, I hope this is someone posting as a person of religion who is in fact just trying to get a laugh, but I fear it is not. The rest of the review talks about how Disney tries to undermine the values of our youth through such things as Disney World hosting a Gay Day each year. (It does not. An outside organization plans and hosts a Gay Days event each year at both parks in the US and Disney does not endorse nor condemn. It has stated repeatedly that any large religious organization could do the same within Disney facilities.) The reason I think this post is legit is because of the repeated attempts by the whack job portion of the religious right to find a boogie man within all things Disney.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not a Disney apologist here either. I recognize that Disney owns several vehicles for entertainment that do not necessarily build family values. But over the years we have seen this same kind of weirdness from religious zealots over the cover of the Little Mermaid VHS cassette case, the "erection" of the priest in the Little Mermaid (which turns out to be his knee, not something else), the supposed line in Aladdin where he says, "Boys and Girls, take off your clothes (ok side note, if certain teens are that susceptible to taking off their clothes, my guess is that Aladdin saying it in a subliminal way had little to do with that issue. Just saying.) to the supposed spelling of SEX in the dust in the wind of Lion King (it actually said SFX which were the initials of the groups that was working on the special effects for that scene and was done without Disney management knowledge). Disney is a corporation out to make profits. Period. There are too many people making too much money to jeopardize the corner of the market they control with regard to kids and families in order to accomplish some sinister plan to turn all children into sex crazed homosexuals. Do they always send the correct message with regard to modesty? Not even close (although that really wasn't an issue with Tangled). But could we please chill out and be thankful that there are at least a few movies still made in Hollywood that you can take your family to.

Ok so, I know everyone can see all the holes with the above paragraph so I don't need to point out all of the idiocy associated with it...but where is the fun in that. So...first, has this person never heard of a biker bar? Let's review the apparel at a biker bar. Tight cut off vests? Check. Ear rings? Check. Effeminate men with red lip stick. Ok maybe not so much, but the dude was like 80 years old. I took that behavior more as senility than sexual preference. However, I would love to be around when this person goes into a biker bar and explains that their clothing and apparel signify that they are in a gay bar, not a biker bar. That would be fun.

Now, I don't know that it was ever implied that any of these men "lived" there anymore than Norm "lived" at Cheers. Ok bad example, but you get my point. To further that point, Norm "lived" at Cheers to avoid his wife Vera. I think at the rate this person was making up crap out of thin air it would be just as plausible that all of these men were at the bar to avoid going home to their wives as opposed to trying to pick up an extremely ugly man. Or the third possibility is that this is a small plot device in a harmless animated movie that doesn't deserve near this much thought and effort being put into it. I vote for number 3.

However, the far more harmful comments, as I read them, are those indicating that having interests that don't fall into the "manly" variety somehow make a man or a boy a prime suspect for homosexuality. That is incredibly small minded and exactly the kind of garbage that destroys a young man's self confidence if they don't happen to like sports, cars or camping. As it so happens, my wife and I are arguing because I actually would like to interior decorate our new garage enclosure that we are working on. I would enjoy taking that on. However, my wife is concerned with my taste. My taste is certainly debatable, but it doesn't change the fact that I want to decorate that room. I know more than one great man who enjoys dancing, or singing for that matter. And shockingly, it has little to do with their sexual orientation. I personally fear for this person's kids if they have any secret desires out of the "ordinary". They are in for a confusing and sad existence.

I recognize that this rant was probably pointless, but for some reason that review got me riled. And so in my own way, I will stick it even further to this person who will never read my post by presenting my top 10 favorite Disney movies. And it probably will include that X-rated gay pride film about Rapunzel.

10. Beauty and The Beast

I know that in the 20 years since this movie came out that a lot of things about have become a little cliched or not so amazing, but think back to the first time you saw it. I remember how amazing the ballroom scene was where it appears that a camera was moving around the room for the first time ever in an animated movie, how much I laughed when I heard the song "Gaston" for the first time or before I became so cynical and saw Shrek, how powerful the death and then transformation of the beast really was. This was a truly beautiful movie. Although it is not my favorite, I am glad it was the first animated movie to be nominated for Best Picture. It deserved it.

9. Robin Hood

This was one movie that captured my attention when I was a kid. I loved the song "The Phony King of England" and laughs at the expense of Sir Hiss. Now that I am older, I have realized how great a song "Not in Nottingham" is. I wish they would have let Roger Miller do an entire soundtrack like they do some artists today. I would probably listen to that soundtrack over and over.

8. The Princess and The Frog

I love Dixieland jazz music. It just has always been one of my favorite styles since I was young. It is one of the reasons I could hang out in the New Orleans section of Disneyland all day long. I know several people were disappointed in this film, but I thought it was really entertaining and how can you go wrong with a movie that has the line "Follow the bouncing butts."

7. A Bug's Life

Several people would think I am out of my mind to include this movie when no Toy Story movies are on this list. But while I love those movies, I just think this one is the hidden gem of Pixar movies. Also, the one scene that puts this one over the top is the Godfather-esque scene where Hopper takes out three of his minions with the grain in the sombrero bar in Mexico.

6. Aladdin

When you use quotes from a movie regularly in your everyday conversation, you know that that movie is a fave. I still love to say the word Ecstatic with a Jafar sneer or say Why am I not surprised in my best Gilbert Godfried imitation. This movie was just the perfect storm of comedy and fast paced adventure. I think this movie is great before you add the best part (Robin Williams). That is pretty good.

5. Hercules

This movie really benefits for me for being the movie that followed Pocohantas. It was fun, funny and a movie that didn't try to take itself to seriously. All things Pocohantas was not. The humor combined with my second favorite villian in a Disney film make this a top five. Another reason I love this movie is that it was Abby's first watch everyday movie when she was a toddler. That was all well and good until she quoted a somewhat rude line to a baby sitter. But even that was funny. Guys, Olympus would be that way.

4. Cars

Being a kid who grew up in Duncan makes this movie special to me. It is difficult to go back to my home town and see all of the buildings that are boarded up and all that has been lost from my childhood, but even more so from my father's. Add a kickin' song from Sheryl Crow and not one but two Brad Paisley songs on the soundtrack and it is definitely my solid #4.

3. Tangled

I really loved this movie that much. It is very funny in parts, but what does it for me is the beautiful animation. The lantern scene is quite literally one of the most beautiful cinematic scenes I have seen. But just as powerful to me is the scene with Rapunzel's parents just prior to going out and releasing their lantern. As a parent holding my child watching this movie, that is just a tough yet totally relatable scene. Good song at the end too.

2. The Emperor's New Groove

Funniest Disney movie hands down. As I recently went over in a recent post, it has more quotable lines than any other Disney movie. It has even inspired the phrase, "What the Kronk!" around our house. Also, my favorite Disney villian. Haven't liked anything else with David Spade, but loved him here. "Is That My Voice? Is That MY Voice?" Classic.

1. The Incredibles

Super heroes, James Bond villian and soundtrack, mid-life crisis issues and Edna Mode. What is missing? I can't think of anything. I love the sequels to Toy Story and am intrigued by the Cars sequel, but regret that they have not made any plans to make a sequel to this movie. The icing on the cake? Cari, the babysitter. If you haven't seen the short video on the DVD, it is priceless.

So there you have it. Either I have succumbed to the Great Satan's plan or Disney has actually made some pretty good flicks. Maybe the mark on the forehead spoken of in Revelation is actually those mouse ear hats you buy in Disneyland. But if it is, I think I would rather live in a Disney Hell than the Heaven waiting for the reviewer above. I suppose if he is right, I will get that chance.

Maintaining Honor

2011-03-03T09:29:00.000-08:00

I just feel bad today. I feel really bad for a 19 year old kid I didn't even know existed until this past Tuesday. And because I feel bad, it has me questioning all I hold dear. Ok, not even remotely close, but it does make yet another area of my life just a little more gray.

I am referring to Brandon Davies. Brandon is a sophomore at BYU who many consider to have been their second best player on their basketball team. I use the words have been because he was removed from the team this past Tuesday for violations of the BYU Honor Code. Now immediately, people will think they know where this is going. BYU is having what is arguably their best basketball season ever. Not ever as in the last five years. Ever as in best basketball season since Brigham Young himself said, "This is the right place." So maybe I am wrong, but I am sure there are people who will assume this post is going to be all about how he shouldn't have been kicked off the team in order to save their season. Well, it isn't. I attended ASU and since they consistently suck at basketball, I always root for UofA. So what BYU does on the court really affects me not at all.

My concern is actually for a young man. BYU has done the right thing in not giving any information out about the nature of his indiscretion. However the Salt Lake Tribune has done some digging and now the headlines all over the country today are that Brandon Davies was kicked off the BYU basketball team because he had sex. Our natural inclinations are to come to the defense of our "Church's school" and their honor code. I have heard and seen on message boards the comments that well this stinks but I am proud of my university for standing for their principals or pointing out that every student who goes to BYU is aware of the honor code when they enroll and sign it when they show up to go to class. But the more I ponder this issue, the more I think about the effects and wish there was a different way this could have gone down.

First of all, over and over again in our General Conferences, Stake Conferences, Youth Firesides and weekly church meetings, we plead not just with our youth, but especially with our youth, to come to understand the principle of repentance. To believe that no matter what they may have done, there is a way out and way to move on and leave the past behind you. To further encourage the step of confession in the repentance process, we assure everyone that what is shared with a bishop is strictly confidential. I don't know how BYU found out about Brandon Davies' issue, but I hope it wasn't from a Bishop. But regardless, that message got a little undercut today whether intended or not.

The other argument, that I can certainly understand and somewhat agree with, is that there are standards in place and everyone knows what they are signing up for when they come to BYU. However, Brandon Davies was 17 when he committed to BYU. I would argue that he knew what he was getting into just like I knew what I was committing to when I got baptized at 8, received the Aaronic Priesthood at 12 and the Melchizedek Priesthood when I was 18. It is impossible to know what life is going to throw at you when you are 17. Furthermore, I am pretty confident in stating that I am sure Brandon Davies is not the only person at BYU to break the Honor Code in this way. However, I am assuming none of them are required to get up in front of their Algebra class and admit to having premarital sex and ask for forgiveness from their fellow students the way Brandon had to in front of his basketball team. (If I am incorrect in my assumption, I would hope some of my BYU alumni friends will let me know.)

Now I want to state again that I support BYU's honor code. I believe in everything that it stands for and states. My sadness is directed at the avenue taken to enforce the honor code. Brandon is still a student at BYU today. Everyone at the university had to know how big this would be for their recently #3 ranked basketball team. If the transgression was enough to warrant removal from the team, shouldn't it also warrant immediate removal from the school? If not, why go public until everything has been resolved? To take it a step further, if you are in violation of the honor code and are ineligible to play Division I athletics at a Church school, wouldn't it also stand to reason that anyone in violation of the honor code should also not be allowed to participate in intramural athletics held at any of our institutes? Before you scoff at this and say it isn't relevant, think through this with me. Why would anyone scoff at that idea? Because activities at the institute are a great tool for reactivation. If you need reactivation, you are in violation of the honor code. But that doesn't change the fact that God still wants you. So we invite less actives to play basketball, go to dances, take classes and attend devotionals. We want them to return. We will sometimes casually refer to it as leaving the 99 and going after the one. Today, Brandon Davies is the one.

Now, I have to stop and actually give credit to BYU for what I believe is the message they are trying to send here. I believe they want everyone to realize that the honor code is not a paper tiger. I believe they want the world to know that at BYU (and in a larger context the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints)winning championships or performing well athletically will never be more important than the standards of the honor code. That is a very laudible position. It makes me proud to be a Mormon. But what about Brandon? Is there any congregation in the United States now that won't have someone who remembers this? We all know someone who didn't live up to the ideals of the Church at a young age, whether it be not going on a mission, teen pregnancy or (insert sin of choice in this spot). We also remember the stigma that person had to live with, especially at the college stage of life. It isn't fair, but it is reality. Now add the weight of national media attention to that person's burden and how well would they hold up? How much would they just want to run and never look back, get lost in order to never be found? What if it was you? What if it was your child?

My solution (because I am so smart and have taken minutes to think this over as opposed to the days, weeks and years of better educated and more highly spiritual men and women than myself who sit on BYU's governing board have taken) would have been to avoid any decision with regard to his status as a player until his status as a student had been decided. If his actions warranted removal from the school immediately, then this could not have been avoided. If it warranted his removal from the school but did not require immediate action, let him finish the quarter and remain on the team and give him a chance to get his life right without all of the brutal attention he is now receiving. If he is placed on probation, again, let him work through his private issues in private. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is a welcoming gospel even for those who sin. If he is willing to work on making things right, give the kid an environment where he feels welcome.

So for those who think that I was going to write this to say that he shouldn't be kicked off the basketball team, you were right. However, it is not because I want to see BYU save its national basketball championship dreams, it is because I would like to see them save Brandon Davies. Because as much as he will have my prayers and thoughts with him today, just like any of us when it comes to our sins, I bet he would prefer to have my ignorance.

Random Thoughts

2011-02-28T14:16:00.000-08:00

The following are unconnected, random thoughts or events that have occured to me over the last few weeks. Some are longer than others and they definitely vary in importance as well.

-Having just watched The Lord of The Rings with Abby from beginning to end, I am reminded how much Mt. Graham reminds me of the Misty Mountains from the book The Hobbit. Especially on days like yesterday where clouds swirl around it in the wind all day. One of my favorite scenes from those movies (and from any movie) is the lighting of the beacons on the mountain tops. It is just an amazingly well done scene. However, it still does not inspire me to want to go with the venture scounts and do that thing each spring where they flash each other from mountain top to mountain top. Does not inspire me in the least. I guess if there is no threat of death from disgusting looking beings called orcs as part of the equation, it just loses something.

-Congrats to Braden for getting his Wolf rank in Cub Scouts. He was awarded this at our recent Blue and Gold Banquet. I should leave it there. I really should....But I won't. Why, from the Blue and Gold to monthly Round Table must we sing ridiculous songs. When I was eight and I sang Alice the Camel, it was fun. If I am asked to do it at a Blue and Gold Banquet, I guess I can handle that. When I am 37 and attending a Round Table with only adults and I am asked to do some weird chant or sing a ridiculous song, I'm not having fun anymore. Anyway, sorry for the aside. Many congrats to my son.

-I believe the thing that is of utmost importance to me in this life that will be of no interest to me in the next is the interest rate on my mortgage.

-At the suggestion of my cousin Michael and his wife Amy, Shannon and I finally got around to renting the first season of The Gilmore Girls. So far, it is a pretty good show. It definitely had my favorite quote of the week. "So how many weekly dinners are we going to have to go to before we are off the hook?" "I think the deli spread at my funeral will finally do it." That made me laugh out loud.

-Braden and I took our first attempt at building a pine wood derby car this year. I learned that I don't know a whole lot about making pine wood derby cars. Fortunately, we didn't come in last in every race, but unfortunately, we never won a race outright. I gave the best pre-race speech ever: "Son, we are probably not going to win. In fact, we are probably going to lose. I'm sorry." Braden was pretty good about it. He said, "It's all right dad, I know." I got on-line to look at different cars and maybe get some ideas for what to do. Man, I came away from that experience feeling worse than ever. I clearly do not take this event seriously enough. I would have to start next week in order for us to be ready for next February's race if I tried to make some of those cars. Anyway, one pinewood derby down, five to go.

-In an effort to make up for my shortfalls in the pinewood derby area, I got out Braden's model car that we got him a while back and together we started working on putting it together. We are not going to win any awards here either, but we are having a great time. Braden made the comment that it was too bad Grandad Rapier couldn't be with us, he would definitely love making the model with us. One night when we hit a stopping point, Braden came up and hugged me and said, "Dad, this is the best father/son activity we have ever done." Wow, either he really digs model cars, or I don't do enough with my son. Don't answer that.

-Best Kate quote from the last month: I was up on the stand during the sacrament a couple of weeks ago when I decided to shut my eyes and contemplate. All of the sudden, in the quiet chapel, I hear Kate start yelling out, "Wake up Daddy, wake up." My eyes shot wide open and there she was looking at me in great concern. Of course everyone in a five pew radius was stifling laughter with not a great amount of success.

-Best moment as a father in the last month: Logan came to Shannon with tears starting to well up in his eyes this last week as we were preparing for Braden's birthday party later that day. He asked her why he couldn't go to Braden's birthday party at the bowling alley. Shannon tried to explain that this was a friend party that Braden got to choose who came. He asked if he could at least ask Braden if he could go. She said sure but tried to prepare him for rejection. He left the room and she followed him just a few seconds later to hear Braden respond to Logan's request. "Of course you can come to my friend party. I would always invite my best friend." The kid can't remember to put his towel away for a king's ransom, but he sure has it together in the areas that count.

-More than anything, Braden wanted a GPS for his birthday. We were not as prepared for his birthday as we would have preferred to be and so on his birthday, Shannon ran to Wal-Mart in search of a couple of gifts to supplement the sparse offering we had managed to come up with at that point. She got him the GPS. This may have been a mistake. We are now getting minute by minute updates on how many miles and how many hours it would take us to drive to various points across the country. When he started up, he said he didn't like the woman's voice so he went and changed it to a man's voice. What??? I didn't even know you could do that. We are trying to be patient with this new fascination and hoping that it will eventually play itself out. If it is anything like his fascination with time...may we request prayers on behalf of the GPS unit that it doesn't accidently fly out the window on our way home one evening.

-The other night, we somehow got into a game where I would say a town name and everybody had to guess which state it was in. This lead to not just town names, but interesting facts about specific states. The longer it went, the more I realized how much useless crap I know. I can't help but wonder how it is that I know so much stuff that nobody else seems to. I can't figure it out, but it does help with Trivial Pursuit.

-I believe the second thing of utmost importance to me right now that will be of no interest to me in the next life is March Madness. I can almost taste those chicken wings. Three weeks baby, three weeks.

-I do not care for the way my daughter looks in her new jeans that she bought. In an unrelated topic, I am forming a petition to be passed around in the Thatcher school district requiring drab, shapeless school uniforms. Anyone with me?

-My kids begged for a dog and when we finally got one? They weren't that interested anymore. That is until Kate got old enough to care. That girl loves her Buddy. She begs to go outside and she will pet him, lay on him and just all around love him to death. The sad part is that he gets so little attention from the rest of us, that he actually loves the overzealous (abusive) attention he receives from Kate. Just kidding, she is actually very good with him and him with her.

-Here is something I can't figure out. Why does anyone care about the Academy Awards? Even more so, why does anyone care what people wear to the Academy Awards? I love movies, but I do not get the hoopla over this ceremony.

-I just downloaded my first Fleetwood Mac song. I hate Fleetwood Mac and generally thought Stevie Nicks had a weird voice. Is it maturing in my musical tastes or is it that I am going deaf in my old age?

-Do you ever wonder what happens in your kids bedrooms after they go to bed? Braden has his own bed but we will often come in and find them both in Logan's bed along with a huge stuffed Shamu. Despite our best efforts at trying to discover what they are doing that gets them to this point, they are both pretty tight lipped about what happens when we leave the bedroom. Maybe some things are better unknown.

-Wisconsin legislators fleeing in the middle of the night to keep from having to vote on a bill, Billy Ray Cyrus blaming The Disney Corporation for destroying his family, Arizona taking the time to pass an immigration law that is completely against the Constitution of the United States when we have a budget to figure out and BYU possibly being a #1 seed in the upcoming NCAA basketball tournament. These are, as Sports Illustrated used to say, Signs That The Apocolypse is Upon Us.

-It is March 1st tomorrow and I still am struggling not to write 2010 on my checks.

We'll end there.

Now That Is A Great Line

2011-02-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

I think too much. Ok that is a stupid thing to say. I think too much about inane, weird stuff. I think it is a defense mechanism to keep myself from thinking about actual life stuff that I don't want to think about anymore. Heaven knows I have enough of that to think about recently. So I have been thinking about great lines from television shows or movies that I love or that I have a deep connection with for whatever reason. Now I know some of you are thinking..."What???" Just hang with me here. The reason I am thinking about this is for a couple of reasons. Also, you are seeing why I can't ever just say something simply. I have to give you a good deal of background into my thinking. Otherwise, if I just blurt out where my mind is at the moment, I may appear slightly unhitched (unhinged??? whatever) and in need of mental assistance. So let me begin again somewhere else.

My wife recently had to get a new cell phone. A non-sensitive husband might point out that this is the second cell phone to break in my wife's posession within a ten month period. That same husband might also point out that this is at least the third phone she has broken since we have been married. The jerk might go on to mention that he has never broken a cell phone yet. (Of course that would just be asking for trouble...and a broken phone...and a pretty good size dent in the wall where it "just broke accidently") A truly awful husband might make a connection between the broken phone and the desire of his wife to start texting...therefore needing a different phone to facilitate this desire. But me, I am nothing like that and love nothing more than to visit the Verizon store during my lunch break with the sole purpose of making my monthly bill go up. I live for those kind of moments.

Just kidding sweetie...I know it wasn't your fault. (Did I mention that I have a wonderful wife who loves nothing more than to be teased slightly? I am very lucky. And might be getting close to pushing my luck. Time to move on.)

So everytime Shannon or I get a new cell phone, we have to find a new ring tone. This is a fun ritual that incorporates the whole family. Some of our favorites from both mine and hers include:

-The Psych theme song

-Indiana Jones theme

-The Imperial March (Darth Vader Song) - Set on my phone for when her mother calls. (Did I mention that I am also fortunate to have a mother-in-law/step mother who enjoys being teased as much as her daughter. I am so lucky I might find myself being dropped over a bridge with cement shoes one of these days.)

-Yosemite Sam saying, "You better say your prayers rabbit, I'ma gonna blow you to smitherenees."

-Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated Theme

-Brad Paisley's "I'm Gonna Miss Her" -Set for when Shannon calls me (Again, just teasing.) As I am writing this, I am really starting to question how I am still married. I better buy flowers on the way home.

So as we were going through the options of what to put on her new ring tone (it is currently set with the theme song from the show Chuck...but that might change) we started coming up with quotes that we love. It made me start thinking of all my favorite movie quotes. At the same time, Abby was finally deemed old enough to watch The Lord of the Rings movies and we have been watching them with her for the last few nights. There are some profound quotes there that I love. So I have been thinking of my favorite quotes from movies or TV and why they are my favorites. Some of them are just because they make me laugh. Others are because they resonate with my beliefs and others have meaning for me because of the time in life when I heard them. For posterity's sake, I share some of my favorites with you now:

"I Will Smash It With A Hammer...HA HA HA HA HA...Or To Save On Postage, I Will Poison Him With This."

Whenever one of my children uses something of their's incorrectly or in a way that annoys me greatly, I always threaten to smash it with a hammer. I am pretty sure that stems from this Emporer's New Groove quote. In fact, it has gotten so cliche, that now I will start out by saying, "Braden, if you don't stop doing ____ with that ____..." "I know dad, you are going to smash it with a hammer." Inevitably, Abby will follow this up with a perfect Ysma impersonation about how to save on postage...yada yada yada.

"Open This Door And I Will Burn Your House Down

Don't You Mean Or?

Fine, Open This Door Or I Will Burn Your House Down"

This quote is of course followed by a great discussion between the characters of Ysma, Kronk and Pacha's children about the importance of conjunctions. For those who have seen The Emporer's New Groove, you are smiling and nodding and thinking of the other 30 great quotes from this movie. If you haven't seen it, SEE IT. I think it is possibly the funniest animated Disney movie ever made. Not saying best, just saying funniest. (If anyone has one that is overall funnier, I would love to hear about it.)

"Well, If They Cut Off My Hands, At Least My Lucky Shirt Will Fit."

This line in Maverick follows the great scene where Maverick is having a conversation with the Indian Chief that in no way resembles what the conversation sounds like to everyone around who can't understand what they are saying. Rereading that sentence, I understand that once again, if you haven't seen the movie, it probably makes no sense. If you have...great scene isn't it? This is a great line to give your significant other every time they accidently shrink one of your shirts. (I am sure that has never come up at our house...oh wait, it has. But it was me who shrunk something of Shannon's. $10 says I hear this quote tonight.)

"Oh Niles, Stop Exagerating. You Make Everything Sound 50,000 Times Worse Than It Is."

Shannon and I will quote this back and forth to each other all the time. In fact, we quote hundreds of different Frasier quotes to each other all the time. It could be because we have seen every episode at least 5 times.

"I Stopped Having Sex And I Don't Know No Portuguese"

This line from Seinfeld, for better or worse, lends itself to the realities of marriage from a man's perspective when one compares the habits of newlyweds vs. 15 year veterans. After a very busy week, this one may get pulled out and used at our house. At least we can laugh about it.

"I Once Saw Ringo Starr...Or Maybe It Was That Topol Person.

Ringo Starr And Topol Look Nothing Like Each Other.

Right.

So Not Really A Classic Anecdote Is It?

No, Not Really?"

This exchange in Notting Hill will get repeated in some form every once in a while at our house when someone starts a story that never really gets to the point the person telling it was hoping for. Since none of our kids have actually seen Notting Hill, they don't quite get it when Shannon or I will use that quote on them following one of their meandering stories. That's ok. We get it.

"Men Of Robert's Age Are Prone To...Weakness"

If I could somehow find a way to quote the whole movie of the Incredibles on here I would. This isn't a quote that we use, it is more a quote that causes me to think. In fact, the whole movie causes me to think. As a man approaching 40 (I know I am only 37, but at the rate time is going, I will be 40 tomorrow)I am beginning to understand the thought process behind a mid-life crisis. As teenagers, we are constantly told we can be anything we want to be. We can even be president if we want to. Follow your dreams. Blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean. At no point during that kind of encouragement are we ever told..."You can be whatever you want to be. You could be a marketing person for the small town hospital in your hometown. You could have the dream life of taking out the trash 4 to 5 times a week. You have the potential of being a world class poop, throw up, spill cleaner upper." I guess what I am saying is that the realities of life sometimes don't measure up to the "Follow Your Dreams" speech we get fed a lot during our teens and early twenties. In fact, there are times (and they are few and far between) I look at my life and think, what are you doing? Or sometimes I think, what have I done that has any meaning. Now before anyone condemns me to hell immediately for discounting my family, that doesn't necessarily enter the equation yet. I of course love my wife and kids. More than anything. It is just, sometimes you are told how talented you are when you are young and what amazing things you can do. And then one day, you wake up and from the world's point of view, you haven't done any of them. It is pretty sobering and can be depressing.

I desperately wanted to be on the radio when I was younger. I was told all the time how my voice was perfect for something like that. So, I went to college and got a degree in Broadcasting from ASU. Unfortunately, by the time I finally graduated, my first little daughter was six months old and I could see that life in the radio business was not going to be family conducive. I made a choice to walk away from that whole dream. Since then, my professional life has not been the most fulfilling. Since I couldn't do what I had wanted even though that was what I had a degree in, I now was somewhat stuck. I kept trying to find the right fit while still supporting a family and allowing my wife to stay home with our kids. Today, I can't really complain. I have finally landed in a job that is pretty good. I have a wonderful family, a nice house and good friends and...well everything a good Mormon man is supposed to want. But every once in a while, I am like Mr. Incredible. In fact, Logan will actually quote Edna Mode and say something to the effect of, "My gosh you've gotten fat!" Wait, that isn't what I mean. What I mean is, I have all these wonderful blessings, but I can't help but wonder what if I hadn't walked away. What if I had made different choices right out of college? And that is where a silly kid's movie will have a dramatic impact on me. It will help me see that the following your dreams speech that I got as a teenager isn't a load of crap like I have been telling myself. It is really about accepting which dreams I decided to chase. And then, taking it one step further and realizing that what can feel like drudgery on a daily basis is actually the hard work people talk about when discussing what it takes to achieve your dreams. I love The Incredibles. I love the fun story and the fact that they have created a clean James Bond movie I can watch with my kids. But on a different level, this movie means so much more to me. It is justification that the life I have is ok. In fact, it is better than ok, it is Incredible.

"A Parent Should Not Have To Bury Their Child"

This quote from The Lord of the Rings has hit me hard every time I see it. It is interesting because I saw it again last night for the first time in a while and it hit me just as hard last night as it ever had. I think the reason is because that scenario is my worst nightmare. In fact it is often the subject of my nightmares. (Along with getting called on a mission again just as I am about to get married to Shannon or after we are already married. But I digress...)

What is interesting is that I have known several children who have died at different points of life when their parents are still alive. But my mind always goes to the same person when I hear this quote.

Keri Webster was a couple of years older than me in high school. We knew each other and were friendly but I wouldn't say we were friends. She was pretty good friends with my brother and our circles overlapped here and there, but bottom line, we were not close. But there is a line from Friends that summed up my thoughts on Keri at the time. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever known in real life. She was the "it" girl in our high school. The funny thing about knowing Keri is that she was my first example of how being beautiful and popular didn't always equate to happiness. I was close enough to see some of the challenges she had to deal with because of her popularity. But she was a neat person and much kinder than you would expect based on high school stereotypes. In fact, I would find it hard to come up with someone who didn't like her. I am sure they existed, but I didn't know anyone. Anyway, after we had all graduated and moved on with life, I heard of how she had gotten ill and then suddenly, and unexpectedly, died from complications with her illness. I was not close enough to the situation to describe what happened and hope that my small description is acurate. But I remember how I was so stunned. Probably because I was 15, impressionable, hormonal and...I guess in other words young and immature when I knew her, Keri had seemed a little bigger than life to me. Even though I had not seen her in probably close to seven or eight years, I couldn't imagine her being gone from this life. I had just known that she would be one of those women who grew old gracefully and always looked 15 years younger than she actually was. For me, it was a personal 9/11 moment. One that stops your life in its tracks and makes you think for a minute or two about life in general. But almost immediately after I heard the news, my mind went to her mother. Donna Webster was one of my mom's really good friends. I had always liked her. I knew she had already had to deal with the death of her husband at a relatively young age. (At least by my recollection now, her husband passed away before this event.) As sobering as the news of Keri's death was to each of us who knew her, I could only imagine what this must be like for her mother. It was right around the time I had my first child. I remember thinking how completely unfair this was for her and how devastating this must be.

For some reason, when I saw the above quote in the movie a year or two later, my mind went immediately to Donna Webster and I felt for her loss again. It has happened every time. And out of those thoughts, I have contemplated the question: How long would be long enough with any of my children in this life? 5 years? 10? 20? The only answer I can come up with is that it will be whatever age they are when I die and hopefully not a day sooner.

"Why Do You Find It So Hard To Believe, Jack?

Why Do You Find It So Easy?

It's Never Been Easy."

For those who know me at all, you knew a Lost quote had to be in here somewhere. I like this exchange because I feel like I have been represented in each of the three statements at one point or another. Let's take the first one.

I look at the world around me and struggle to understand why people run so hard from God. The story in the Old Testament about looking on the staff for those who had been bitten by the snakes was one I had initially thought was weird when I was young. If all you have to do is look at a silly staff with a snake on it and it will save your life, what idiot wouldn't do that. Well, I suppose at some point in life we are all that idiot. But so many of the world's problems today would be solved if we would just stop trying to reinvent the wheel and try it God's way. Instead the laws of God are demeaned, ridiculed and summarily dismissed as old-fashioned and unenlightened. As a society, we would rather put our trust in ourselves than in diety. Suddenly the far-fetched idea of people refusing to look at a staff is no longer that far-fetched. It can make you want to scream, "Why do you find it so hard to believe?"

And yet, to be truthful, there are times when others' faith seems just out of my reach. It is hard when I hear the surety in people's voices as they speak of what they know. There are things I can't deny, nor would I ever want to. But I have questions that never entirely go away. Now don't get me wrong, I am not questioning the existence of God nor the truthfulness of the Gospel, but sometimes in people's interpretations of things. I get discouraged when I hear justifications of people's political beliefs laid at the feet of the Church. I struggle when I am supposed to accept things with which I don't agree simply because they are part of a program that is endorsed by my faith and am lectured on my level of commitment because of my disagreements. I have never been able to understand the Church's position on blacks and the priesthood. And looking for answers does not help my lack of understanding. I have had to come to believe in my own mind that God may have always been ready to accept those of African descent into his Church. It may have been us as members that weren't ready.

So when I meet those who can accept everything so easily and whose faith is so pure, I am admittedly a little jealous. Because I find myself asking why is it so easy for you. Of course this is hypocritical of me, because I don't know at all about anyone else's ease of belief, only my own. But maybe in God's plan for me, that is the point, it was never meant to be easy.

If you have made it to this point, you are now thinking, "Wow, he really does think too much." Sorry. I had not had a chance to write for over a month and I guess it bottled up. Anyway, for those wondering what the picture at the top of the post is all about, this is a little bit of insight for those who wonder what it is I actually do in my job. I created that ad along with the one below in a new ad campaign that includes the tag line "Anything to Provide An Excellent Experience." As you can see, I try to have a good time in my job.

It's The Most Pointless Time Of The Year

2011-01-07T12:21:00.001-08:00

Ok, I don't in any way really think that Christmas time is pointless. It is my favorite time of year. However, this year, I noticed a number of things that our family was involved in that were somewhat pointless. My argument is that we should reevaluate each of the following items' necessity at this time of year. So I present my list of the Top 10 Most Pointless Things Associated With The Holidays: (Also mixed in are pictures from our family's Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years)

10. Trying to control weight gain I mean really, even if you are successful, life really sucks for you. Especially with the invention of cake/oreo balls. (Those had to be invented by someone Jenny Craig stabbed in the back on her way to the top as a form of revenge against not only Jenny, but weight loss in general. They are so amazing and now they are everywhere. Curse you little cake ball. I hate you even as I lift another one of your succulent brethren to my lips...where were we?) I mean every time I made a resolve, another wonderful plate of goodness arrived on my doorstep. By Christmas Eve, I pretty much had arrived at the attitude of Screw It! I may split my pants tomorrow, but I am going to enjoy these goodies and I refuse to feel guilty about it at the time. So there.

9. Wal-Mart. I realize Wal-Mart is pointless year round, but my utter hatred of them only increases with every Black Friday. I don't have any other store that I can go to and feel that adrenaline rush of shopping for amazing deals in the midst of quasi looting. I love that feeling as sick as that may be. But Wal-Mart keeps coming up with new and unique ways to ruin it. This year it was the check-out lines. How stupidly insane do you have to be not to open up every register at a time when the fire marshal has to come and shut your doors because too many people are in your store. (True Story) I will grant you that most of them were open, but about every third line was not. Thus we were allowed to feel the holiday spirit of 1 hour + wait times in lines of 30 or more people deep. If Target ever decides to move to the Gila Valley, I will immediately travel to France and start recruiting some of those idiots who rioted over being forced by the government to retire at age 62 instead of 60, and we will come back and burn Wal-Mart to the ground.

8. People Who Don't Pay Attention To Signs. Someone in a crowded Sears store totally ignored the sign and took a stroller onto the escalator and now they have accidently wedged it between the two sides right at the bottom. The entire escalator is full and now everyone is having to walk upstairs backwards while she tries to get her stroller out. Don't people read anymore...wait...is that Shannon? Oh crap! Scratch everything I have said up to this point and change number 8 to People who are unsympathetic to the plight of a young...youngish?...mother with young children? (We will let Shannon decide on the moniker)

As much as my wife is going to kill me for posting this, when she told me about this I just couldn't stop laughing. The visual of her stuck right at the bottom of a completely packed escalator which is causing everyone behind her to have to walk backwards is just too awesome. I want to fully say that I love her and feel so bad for her on this. During her shoving match with the stroller, the escalator ripped her shoe off, the man behind her started shoving her and the stroller in either frustration or an attempt to help...or both and all the while Kate was actually in the stroller. The worst part is, she was all by herself with all four kids. There was nothing I could do to help. The only reason she was in Mesa with all the kids in the first place was for me and my Christmas. My wife is awesome and deserves a medal for all she does as a mother, but especially for surviving and not killing anyone on this day.

7. Christmas Carolers. Here is where my grinch nature starts. The thing is, I have nothing against singing. I actually enjoy singing. I have gone out and caroled during past Christmas seasons. But I will be honest. I don't enjoy doing it or receiving it. This is nothing personal against anyone who has caroled or enjoys caroling, this is a personal issue of my own. The problem is, I just feel completely awkward. If I am singing, I feel like we should hurry up because it is cold outside and we have no idea what we may have interrupted. Also, you have to stare at each other. Which is always awkward for me. If you look away, it will seem rude, but if you stare at someone through the entire length of a song...well, next Sunday at church, just turn to the people behind you and stare into their eyes during the entire opening hymn. Now try and tell me it isn't awkward. If you are being caroled to, same issue with the staring, but then when the song is over, what are you supposed to do? It seems like you should invite them in, but what if your house is totally wrecked. And if they do come in, what then? It would be the same atmosphere as the first 10 seconds after everyone yells surprise at a surprise party. No one knows what to say or do. Everyone just stands around not sure what to do next. And the more successful you are at the surprise the worse it is. Because you have to pretend that you don't notice you have completely shattered someone's presentation of themselves and they may have even wet themselves depending on your effectiveness. What in the heck was I talking about? Oh yeah, caroling. Let's just say it seems a little pointless to me and leave it there.

6. Those Elf Hats With The Fake Elf Ears. Unless you are abnormally short, they just look stupid. And if you are abnormally short, you are just perpetuating stereotypes.

5. The Company Christmas Party. At some point in the decade of the 2000s (Will someone please come up with a good name for that decade already. We have had eleven years and still have bupkiss to show for it.) we all realized that the company picnic and other events designed to have people who work together socialize after work hours with their families are stupid. We don't like each other that much. Well, I don't know that that is fair, but the reality is that we see our co-workers sometimes more than we see our own families. So why would we want to be forced to socialize with each other even more? As a result, you rarely hear about company picnics or other events like that anymore. But somehow, the office Christmas party has survived. Is there another event in our country that has more forced conversation that these parties? Really? If you have one, please let me know. I just don't think there is anything more uncomfortable for a spouse than to go to where their significant other works and either talk about the weather or listen to shop talk. It's brutal. Let's just all agree to have companies provide a nice buffet during company hours and keep it for employees only. Just my two cents.

4. Meeting Santa at the mall or other stores. I don't have anything against meeting Santa Claus, I just don't like it in a retail setting. During this time of year, everyone is already stressed as it is. So somehow standing in a line for two hours to meet a nice(?) old man and then pay $12.95 for a crap picture is going to make that any better? Yeah, I don't think so. Also, for the first time last year, another thought hit me. We did the meet Santa and get a free picture at Bass Pro Shop. Kate was acting like she didn't feel well, but we went ahead and did the whole thing. Turns out she had strep. I pray we didn't give it to the nice (and he was very nice) Santa, let alone the next thirty kids in line. Maybe because we are a Mormon family and have the opportunity to meet Santa at the Ward Christmas party, I am being too hard on this tradition. But to me, way too much downside for very little reward.

3. Home and Visiting Teaching in the Month of December Ok, I don't really mean this one. But don't lie, you inwardly sighed when your home or visiting teacher asked if they could make a visit because you were so busy, you had no idea where you were going to fit them in. And that says nothing about looking at your schedule and trying to figure out when you are going to get yours done before Christmas. Still we all did it and are the better for it. Right?

2. Trying to Figure out When the Phrase "Time Flies" Became a Reality Seriously, didn't we have Christmas 2009 last week. I hate that I have become that person who looks at the children of family members and is so dumbstruck about what I am seeing that I blurt out stupid things like, "My gosh, you were only ___ tall when I saw you last. What grade are you in now? What? That is not possible." I know how much of an idiot I sound like to these youth because I can vaguely remember being one of those youth, but I can't seem to stop myself. It is sad when I am unfazed by the beauty of Christmas lights, but struck senseless by the passage of time.

1. Christmas Piano Recitals No offense is meant here to my children or any piano teacher alive. I simply had this thought as we juggled getting to four different events in one night during the December/Holiday season: I don't care about how well any other child other than my own plays. I am only there to see my kids play. However, I have heard them play the songs they are playing no less than 187 times. (Carol of the Bells has been banned from our home until next Thanksgiving.) Couldn't we just have the spring recital and we will invite Grandparents over to our house and have the kids play their Christmas songs at a time that is convenient to us. It may even be December 26th. I recognize this is one I am going to lose. Not only that, but my wife will tell me to shut up and suck it up and look like I am happy. I will, but mainly due to the fact that I can envision that my kids will have to go through this in twenty years during a hectic holiday season while I roll in as an empty nester without a care in the world. With the way time is cruising by, that should be some time next week.

Despite my best Ebeneezer Scrooge attempts above, we had a wonderful Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. So good in fact, that if I had the choice, I wouldn't change a thing...except for the Wal-Mart stuff, but that's a given.

Here also are some family pictures we took recently.

Orlando Trip Day 7: Beware The Yeti...And Bees

2010-12-20T14:32:00.000-08:00

7:30 a.m. - Get up, Yada Yada Yada, we are ready to go. The only thing of note is that we don't bother going down to breakfast because we have so much darn food from leftovers. However, I do take Logan to get a picture of the Alligator sign right by the pool of the hotel because we hadn't done this yet.

9:30 a.m. - We get on the parking lot tram. They are waiting an extra long time to go this morning. As such, we get to hear the safety message about keeping our arms inside the vehicle and not standing up and so on and so forth so many times. We have heard this same message over and over the whole week. Abby is sick of it. She can recite it word for word and does so in a sarcastic manner.

10:02 a.m. - Don't know what made us think that going on the one ride that would get us wet first thing in the morning was a good idea, but we are on our way to ride the Kali River Rapids. Shockingly, we get wet. I mean realllllly wet. Poor Logan looked like a drowned little mouse as he tried to walk with all of his soaking wet clothes. It is funny how cold 65 degrees can feel when you are soaked as opposed to not soaked. Abby and Braden want to go again so Shannon goes with them while I trek it to the little cart selling...towels??? It is like they knew this was going to happen. Those devious theme park people. Meanwhile, my wife becomes a garbage picker and pulls a poncho out of the trash. The good news? She stays dry. The bad news? SHE PULLED IT OUT OF THE TRASH!!! It was like she was George Castanza with the eclair or something. Oh well.

10:46 a.m. - We went to the Bug's Life 3D movie. My son Logan who has an irrational fear of spiders gets a little freaked out. I don't know if it was the foot long black widows that come out of the ceiling in the midst of a massive fog or not, but I am thinking they might have had something to do with it.

11:09 a.m. - Ready to go on Expidition: Everest. This is a roller coaster that starts out going really high forward and then backward for a little while and then forward down a massive drop. Abby chooses not to go claiming the need to recover from her previous night's throwing up incident. By now, the whole arguing with her desire has just gone out of me so we leave her near the stroller.

And the review of this ride? AWESOME!!! Logan had his face buried in my arm the entire ride so he didn't get to see a whole lot, but it was really cool. So cool that we fast pass as soon as we get off.

11:34 a.m. - We decide to eat lunch at a restaurant called Yak and Yeti's. Ok, I think we actually ate at a place right next to Yak and Yeti's but I really like the name Yak and Yeti's and can't remember the other name so we will just go with Yak and Yeti's. And you didn't think I could get the work yak and the work yeti into one sentence three times each now did you? As we sit down, we quickly become aware of several bees near our table. Braden's approach is to get mad, yell at the bees and run from his food and then stare at it from a distance while being unable to eat it. My approach is to sit there and just make sure I don't accidently put a bee in my mouth. After about 10 minutes of Braden going through the different stages of anger, I finally make him come by me and we have this discussion:

"Braden, how many times have you been stung using your approach to the bees?"

"None."

"How many times have I been stung using my approach to the bees?"

"None."

"That's right. But the difference is that I get to eat and you don't. Please take my approach and sit down and eat."

He doesn't like my approach and would like to argue with me, but there really isn't an argument. I think this makes him even more angry, but at least we finally get to finish our lunch.

12:44 p.m. - We go the Dinosaur portion of the park and ride...Dinosaur. We follow this up with Primeval Whirl. While standing in line, I look and I see a guy about 15 people in front of us who looks exactly like Andre Agassi. Now I know that Andre Agassi lives in Florida. What are the odds that I am seeing Agassi in Walt Disney World. Well, in fact the odds were not good as it wasn't him upon closer inspection. However, I was pretty excited there for a while.

1:23 p.m. - There is nothing worse than getting in line for a time killer ride while you wait for other people only to have that ride break down and you end up taking far more time than you meant to. This happens to Shannon and Logan as they ride the Dinosaur equivalent of the Dumbos.

1:46 p.m. - We go into the area where you can see Tigers and bats that are indigenous to Asia. The tigers are awesome. They always are. Just amazing animals. We then walk into the bat room. No it isn't a cool room with lots of gadgets that Batman uses on his down time. I was pretty disappointed when I found this out. Anyway, we are looking at the bats (amazing and disgusting all at the same time) when we realize they have this hideous recording spouting facts about the bats. It is totally monotone voice that is pitched at the worst possible level. It has to be a recording meant to keep the room from getting crowded because a human can only stand this sound for two...maybe three minutes at a time. Who one earth would commission a recording like this for a theme park attraction? Oh wait, it isn't a recording. It is the guy right behind me with a microphone. Unbelievable. I hope I didn't say anything too rude about the "recording" while I was standing close to him.

2:07 p.m. - It is time for Expidition: Everest again. YEAH! Abby still doesn't want to go so we have five fast passes for four people. We all go and then Braden says he wants to go again even if it is all by himself. All right. I went over to get a picture of him coming down the big drop. Long story short, right as I am ready to take the picture, I look over at the exit and see that Braden is already back. And he is talking quite animatedly to the man sitting next to him. When I went to get him at the exit, he informed me he had met a man named Morgan that he had sat next to on the ride.

"Did you and Morgan have a good conversation?"

"Yep, I told him all about the ride. I told him what was coming next the whole time so that he could get a preview."

I happened to see Morgan about this time and Morgan didn't seem overly impressed with his preview.

"Did Morgan talk much to you?"

"No, I did most of the talking."

Might be time to have a discussion about social rules and such. But he was so excited about how much he had helped Morgan. I decide that conversation can wait for another time.

2:48 p.m. - We decide now is the time for ice cream.

3:12 p.m. - We have saved the marquee ride in this park for the last. It is the safari where you ride in a vehicle that take you right next to the animals. After a pretty long wait in line, we are finally off. It was worth it as we had African antelopes run right next to the vehicle. I mean like within two feet. Pretty cool.

4:11 p.m. - Ready to leave the park and go over to Epcot for a little bit before calling it a vacation. When we finally get back to the tram, we have a little more fun at the tram recording's expense. Fortunately, it doesn't seem to have feelings.

5:03 p.m. - When we get parked at Epcot, we are in that horrible situation where we are close enough that if we walk, we will probably get there faster than if we wait for the tram, but it means more walking. What to do? What to do...We walk.

5:18 p.m. - Get told that even though we have an extra day on the ticket, we can't get in because it isn't a park hopper ticket. Now I had specifically asked this question when I bought the tickets if we could use them in this manner just using an extra day if we went to two parks in one day. We were told we could. Now we are being told we can't. Fortunately, I held it together pretty well for a man who has just spent a week exhausting himself in a theme park setting. I even managed not to yell. At least they credited back the cost of the extra day that we couldn't use. However, I was really disappointed because I had wanted to go back to Epcot just one more time. Oh well. Meanwhile, Logan has taken his shoe and sock off and his feet are still not dried out from that morning. He has a serious case of prune foot. We head back to our car. And by the way? Screw it, we are taking your dumb tram and we are not walking again.

6:00 p.m. - We decide to go back to Downtown Disney and eat at the Earl of Sandwich one more time and get the pictures we wanted to the first time when I didn't bring the camera. And yes, I was reminded that it was me who didn't bring the camera. Highlights include:

Earl of Sandwich - Even better the second time. Highly recommend the Hawaiian BBQ chicken sandwich.

Braden walking into everyone's pictures - He must have done it no less than four times. Just not paying attention and walking directly into the line of someone trying to take a picture. So who knows what part of the world might have a picture of our son floating around in it.

Getting all of our pictures - We had a good time posing with the pirate wheel and on the Harley Davidson motorcycle.

8:08 p.m. - We head back to the hotel. On the way, the kids are so tired they are hyper. I tell them we have to play the quiet game. We had done this several times to get them to be quiet. It hadn't always ended well. Which lead to this comment by Braden as we started, "The quiet game makes everything worse." Now there is a marketing campaign for any product.

10:00 p.m. - All in bed as we have to be at the airport at 6:00 a.m. the next morning.

The following day is a blur. There was the 4'8" woman who made anyone with children get in the family line at the TSA which only made everything worse and everyone more grumpy. But isn't that what the TSA is for? We flew for what seems like twice as long as when we were on our way to Orlando. We saw Kathy again and she was on our flight from Memphis to Phoenix. That made for a nice bookend on our week. Lamar picked us up, but we didn't stay long at their place as Danae had just gotten strep.

Long story short, we finally walked into our own home at a little after 5 p.m. that afternoon. It was a wonderful week, but it was good to be home.

Orlando Trip Day 6: Aerosmith and Indiana Jones

2010-12-13T08:47:00.000-08:00

7:30 a.m. - Alarm, Shower, Igor.

8:30 a.m. - Had to go to Wal-Mart for some reason that I can't remember. I see an Asian couple in a Travel America trailer camped out in the parking lot. The old lady is sitting outside the door of the trailer drinking her coffee with her hair in rollers. Nothing really exceptional here except I realize there is a way that to go to Disney World that holds no interest for me whatsoever. I think I would actually turn down the opportunity for a free trip to Walt Disney World if my accomodations were in a Travel America trailer set up in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Despite its close proximity to the Hookah Bar.

8:48 a.m. - I had made a specific request that we try and leave by 9:00 a.m. today. We aren't going to make it. Logan, despite feeling fine otherwise, makes it four out of five days by puking in the bushes on the way to breakfast. We choose to take a glass half full approach by realizing he didn't puke in front of the other hotel guests like last time. Abby is also expressing that she doesn't feel well. I can't help but wonder if she isn't suffering from a little bit of Tower of Terroritis as we are going to Disney's Hollywood Studios park. Home of the Orlando version of The Tower of Terror. Otherwise known as Abby's least looked forward to attraction.

9:34 a.m. - We are off. We arrive and park in the Film lot. Amazingly enough, yet again this will play into our days events before it is all said and done.

9:56 a.m. - Get in, get strollered up and head into the park. The first ride is The Great Movie Ride. I managed to keep my sunglasses throughout Thunder Mountain Railroad, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain and even the Atlantic Ocean. Yet somehow, I lose my sunglasses on the slowest moving ride in all four parks. Go figure.

10:20 a.m. - We check in on the Indiana Jones stunt show and it is a ways off, so we go to the Muppet movie. We have seen this before in California, but it is a fun show.

11:00 a.m. - We get out, take a picture with Mater and then decide we are ready for lunch. How fortunate that we are right outside THE Pizza Planet. How cool is that? We look for THE CLAW, but it apparently isn't there anymore along with the three eyed aliens. That would have been the ultimate. I could have done my best Sid impression..."Let's go home and Plaaaayyyy. HA HA HA."

11:22 a.m. - Following lunch we let the kids play one game in Pizza Planet. We made the right decision on when to eat. We walked right in and ordered. Now the line is 7 people deep. I always smile to myself when that kind of good fortune smiles upon us. Conversely, it is all I can do to avoid swear words escaping my lips when I see a line form in front of me and I become that seventh person in line. My mood is already better today. That 30 minutes we lost trying to leave this morning has just been made up.

12:30 p.m. - We are ready for the Indiana Jones stunt show. As we sit down, Logan makes friends with the kid from the family sitting next to us. Very friendly child. Show was awesome, but as with many theme park shows, they have a person who is part of the show "volunteer" along with several other audience members. In this show, that guy is asked to help the stunt woman show how to fake hit people. Except he "accidently" keep leaning too far into her punches. So it appears he is just getting unmercifully knocked around. At one point, he gets hit and flips over and spins on his head. It was really cool. However, Logan has not caught on that this is part of the act and is very concerned for this poor man. The rest of the show is awesome with lots of explosions and death defying stunts. Plus, it was Indiana Jones. Which only cemented further into my sons' minds how cool Indiana Jones is. And they haven't seen any of the movies yet.

1:13 p.m. - We can put it off no longer and we head to the Tower of Terror. All the way there, both Abby and Braden whine about having to go on it. Finally, I am done arguing and let them both wait in the store you come out in at the end of the ride. Logan goes with us. I still don't think it is his favorite ride, but he does it. He got a little freaked out as we got loaded into the car and was ready to bolt, but he made it. For his trouble, he got an extra pin of the Tower of Terror ride. I have to commend him on his courage this week. There were several rides he wasn't crazy about going on, but he did them all and with minimal complaining. Maybe we will have one child that will go with Shannon and I to Magic Mountain after all. Or maybe we will have two??? (More to come)

1:34 p.m. - Some very nice people gave us four fast passes to Toy Story Mania. I run over to see if we can get a fifth one so we can all go. Apparently this is a very popular ride and the fast passes are all gone. So glad I ran across an entire theme park for that.

2:06 p.m. - Another thing I am so glad (said in a completely sarcastic sneering voice) we did was the Narnia exhibit which turned out to be nothing more than watching a preview for the second Narnia movie which we already own.

2:40 p.m. - Back lot tour. It was exciting (and time consuming) enough to warrant a mention. It was not exciting enough to expound upon.

4:00 p.m. - We are ready to watch the car stunt show. This looks to be COMPLETELY AWESOME. Not completely awesome? The 100+ steps it takes to get to open seating for this show. Good crap! After 5 days of walking, my calves expressed an interest in filling out union paperwork for better working conditions following that climb. Fortunately, it was totally worth it. We saw cars driving backwords at 80+ MPH. We saw cars do that cool thing where they drive on two tires. We saw a guy get lit on fire after skidding through flames on his motorcycle. (After the dude getting beat up at the Indiana Jones show, this about put Logan over the edge. He was dancing and shaking in concern for his fellow human being who was engulfed in flames. I suppose that is a good thing. It certainly beats him laughing at these individuals. Anyway.) We saw jumps, we saw cars driving at super high speeds while only inches from each other and we even saw Herbie the Love Bug get cut in half. By the end, even my calves were applauding.

4:52 p.m. - Toy Story Mania. Shannon let me go with the kids. In my typical "I am a horrible father" fashion, I did not let them win. I cleaned up.

5:23 p.m. - We let each child choose a "major" souvenier. These did come with limitations. ($40 wands and $100 Gryffindor robes were out.) It was with no small sense of pride that I purchased Logan's choice. Indiana Jones action figures. It is good to know that my teaching of good principles is getting through to my children.

5:46 p.m. - We next went to a cute show about animating characters that starred Mushu. Now the cast member who works the show has to memorize dialogue and say his lines within a specific time frame to work with the animated cartoon character on the screen. Our specific cast member did a pretty good job, but you could see the stress on a couple of occasions as he tried to not stumble over his lines and get them in before his time ran out. I enjoyed this portion of the program more than the program itself. What does that say about me? Following this, we saw some characters and couldn't resist the opportunity to pose with Mr. and Mrs. Incredible.

6:01 p.m. - Final ride of the evening. Aerosmith's Rockin' Roller Coaster. We had let Abby and Braden have one pass on a ride they didn't have to go on. We knew they would use it on the Tower of Terror. Now Abby is asking what is the Rockin' Roller Coaster like. You can see in her eyes she is getting up the arguments to get out of going on this one too. No such luck baby doll. Shannon forces her and Braden down the shoot. Logan and I wait for them because he doesn't quite have the heighth to go. Darn it. When they get out, both Braden and Abby are a bit iffy, but it wasn't as bad as they thought. Now due to child swap, I get to go and can take one person with me. Neither is jumping up and down, but I offer $5 to whomever will go again. They both jump at it. So I say $4. Abby says it was worth $5, but no less. Braden and I are off. After the second ride, he actually is now loving the Rockin' Roller Coaster and since we have two fast passes left, he wants to go again. He and Shannon head off. (Unfortunately for Braden, we charge the kids $1 each time they leave their towels on the floor of their bedrooms. He is down to $1 left since that trip.)

6:35 p.m. - While waiting for Shannon and Braden, Abby, Logan and I stop in at a place that sells rice crispie treats and hot chocolate. I get a hot chocolate and buy rice crispie treats for the kids. These are not regular rice crispie treats, but rather rice crispie treats on sugar steroids. They are covered in frosting and other stuff. Letting them have these prior to dinner might not have been the best idea. (Ominous foreshadowing music begins to play.)

6:45 p.m. - Braden has joined the I love roller coasters club and will also be included in our Magic Mountain trip. He wants to blow off the Animal Kingdom the next day so we can come back and ride the Rockin' Roller Coaster. Not happenin' kid.

6:59 p.m. - Our parking woes this week have started to shake our confidence in ourselves. We get on the tram and when we arrive at the place where I know we are supposed to get off, they don't announce the Film lot, but only mention the Music lot. Now the Music lot is on our left. But I know the Film lot is on our right. Shannon is not convinced.

"They didn't say Film."

"I know, but that is the lot we parked in. Music is over there, but Film is right here."

"What if it isn't. They didn't say Film."

"I can see the car from here."

"I don't know."

"I am getting off. You are welcome to stay and take a fun 15 minute ride and I will be waiting for you when you get off."

"Fine. Let's go."

I was so convincing in my argument that a lady three rows away told her family. I believe him. I'm getting off too. Fortunately, I was right. I would have felt really stupid at that point if I had been wrong.

8:05 p.m. - We have our nice dinner for the evening by heading into town and eating at an Olive Garden. Good food. But that rice crispie thing earlier plus Fettucini Alfredo equals...

12:00 p.m. - After everyone is in bed and we have all drifted off to sleep, I wake to hear Abby puking. I go in and try to be a supportive father. Fettucini does not come out better than it went in. Boy I am so glad I figured out that stupid alarm clock so that it won't go off at midnight and wake me up.

Orlando Trip Day 5: Day Of Rest

2010-12-08T14:36:00.000-08:00

7:30 a.m. - ZZZZZZZZ

8:00 a.m. - ZZZZZZZZ

8:30 a.m. - I would still have been asleep had it not been for an exploding bladder and hip joints that after several hours in the same position seem to take great pleasure in reminding me that I am not in my twenties anymore. We had decided the night before that we had reached theme park overload. We had initially planned on going to the Kennedy Space Center today, but after looking at the brochure, it appeared to be much more geared to an adult audience than would hold our children's attention. Add that to the extreme exhaustion some of us were facing and we decided that today was a day off.

9:00 a.m. - After a shower and some stretches to try and stop hurting so much, I am still the only one awake in a totally dark condo room. I have a very tough to deal with condition where I am unable to sit still in a hotel room on vacation. I can sit and do nothing very easily when I am home, but on a vacation, I struggle desparately. Oh wait, I hear Abby getting up. We go down to breakfast.

9:15 a.m. - While we are gone, Shannon and Braden crawl out of bed. Unfortunately for them, breakfast only lasts until 9:30 and they miss it. Fortunately, we have enough left over boxes from the last several days to make sure that everyone gets fed.

9:45 a.m. - I waited so long that Igor is gone by the time I arrive for my morning constitutional. Well, that is a shame.

10:30 a.m. - Finally, after almost 11 hours of sleep, we go in and wake a snoring Logan. This is just further confirmation that today being a vacation day is a good idea. Poor kid.

11:03 a.m. - Head down and swim in the hotel pool. We have been at this lovely location for four days and have yet to take advantage of their huge pool. Well no longer. We are gettin' in. AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!! Oh yeah, it is November. That pool was freezing. I stayed in for about...15 minutes and then I was done. I sat in the sun and read my book. Shannon (who enjoys swimming much more than I do) stayed in and we stayed at the pool for about 45 minutes. By the time we were done, Logan's whole face had a bluish tint to it. Yeah, it is time to go.

12:25 p.m. - The main agenda item for the day is to go to the beach. We know if we drive east we will hit a beach and so we load the kids in the car and we head off. The road to the beach goes by the exit to the airport. This means two things. One, we have to go through several toll booths to get there. We end up paying $11 total just to drive to and from the beach. That doesn't include parking. I am so glad once again that toll roads have not caught on out west. I suppose we have something similar here. It is called the Indian Casinos. Put them by the side of the road and almost every driver pulls in and drops a load of money. I appreciate all those who pull and take care of my toll for me so that the Native Americans don't get the toll idea for the reservations.

Second item, I didn't notice this the night we drove in from the airport, but the name of the road that the airport is on is Boggy Creek Road. Am I the only one who sees an issue with the word Boggy and airport in the same sentence?

1:32 p.m. - We are crossing bridges over rivers larger than Thatcher. Be careful Toto, we aren't near the Gila any more. We also pass several cruise ships getting ready to depart. After that recent ship that had to be towed in after it lost power added to the books I have read that turn cruise ships into floating death traps, I find I am not that tempted to turn off and get on.

1:41 p.m. - We arrive in Cocoa Beach. Look its Major Nelson and Major Healy. Wonder what hijinx they are trying to keep from Dr. Bellows from finding out about. If you don't get that reference, your childhood was woefully inadequate and you didn't miss enough school to watch Channel 5 in the afternoons.

1:45 p.m. - Before we hit the beach, we are starving. Hey!!! It is a Mexican restaurant. We are feeling homesick for some cheese and grease so we stop and head inside. The food was actually very good although I get the sense that they cater to an older clientale. The food and salsa had all the spice of a Bristol Palin Foxtrot (Cool, the blog's first Dancing with the Stars reference). But there were beans and there was cheese and we loved every minute of it.

2:37 p.m. - We get to the beach and although it is looking windy and stormy outside, it is surprisingly warm. The beach is a little crowded, but for a Veteran's Day, not bad at all.

2:43 p.m. - Logan hits the water and doesn't stop screaming in delight for the next...basically until we leave. We had debated whether the kids should wear their swimsuits or not. We almost made them change. Good thing we didn't because before we know it, Abby and Braden are up to their chests taking on wave after wave. This was definitely a good call.

3:12 p.m. - Logan tires of running in and out of the waves, so he and I start building a mountain. Because of the way the sand drops on our mountain as we try to make it higher and higher, it ends up resembling Splash Mountain. So for the rest of the day, that is our private sense of accomplishment that we share between us and congratulate each other on several times. We built Splash Mountain.

3:51 p.m. - We need to go. If for no other reason, Logan is shaking. Not his arms or teeth chattering. He is in full body tremors. Yet neither he nor the other kids have any interest in leaving. Our first experience in the Atlantic Ocean was a huge success.

4:03 p.m. - As we are getting in the car, I notice on the window, a decal mentioning that cars needing a cleaning will result in the renter being assessed a $125 cleaning charge. I then look over at my children covered in sand. We are in trouble.

4:37 p.m. - The dead racoon on or beside the road count reaches 7. Just for a 45 mile ride and back. Seven dead racoons. I can't say I had even seen a racoon prior to this trip and if I had, it was definitely in the confines of a zoo. I still can't say I have seen a live racoon in the wild, but the dead ones are piling up faster than I can keep track. For an urban area, it is a little crazy here. I mean you can't go near any body of water because of the snake and alligators and varmints (I have always loved that word and opportunities to use it come up so rarely) are dying by the wheelbarrow load along the highways. The entire trip I always had an eerie feeling that I was just a few feet away from a whole other world I didn't want to know about. The dead racoons indicate I am right about this.

5:38 p.m. - Not sure what we want to do tonight, so we decide after everyone has showered to head over to Downtown Disney. Downtown Disney is basically an outdoor mall with a lot of Disney stores and no Victoria's Secrets. You will get many opinions on what is the best store that you can find at Downtown Disney, but to me, the debate is pointless. It is the Haagen Daaz store. End of discussion. Anyway, we get in the car and get going.

5:46 p.m. - Hey, we have arrived and did not get lost at all. Good job us. We had contemplated going to see MegaMind, but once we arrive, we don't want to rush in and eat quickly in order to make a movie so we decide our evening will consist of walking around Downtown Disney and taking in the sights while trying to find a decent place to eat that everyone can agree on. That is way harder than it sounds.

5:52 p.m. - Wait, they have a Cirque du Soleil theater here with a performance tonight and tickets are available. Shannon has always wanted to see them so we walk over with the idea we may just go.

5:54 p.m. - Yeah, we aren't going. When the cheapest tickets available are $87 per person, we flinch. I don't know what we thought they would cost, but clearly an unplanned $400+ evening was not on the agenda. Darn. However, Shannon told me if it was just the two of us, we would have been going.

6:03 p.m. - We stop in at a store that sells nothing but refrigerator magnets. How unbelievably pointless...and yet we spent at least 12 minutes in there. I must admit though that the full scale size chili dog magnet was my favorite.

6:24 p.m. - Dang it, we have lost Shannon again. How does this always happen when we are walking along a store lined sidewalk? Ok, we found her. She was in the candy apple shop. That was pretty darn impressive what they can do with a green apple on a stick. We wanted to take a picture, but I didn't bring the camera (pardon me for not wanting to lug around the camera bag for three hours out of six days on our vacation. I thought we were going to a movie anyway). I heard about the lack of camera no less than 10 times the rest of the evening. Finally the comments stopped and we just had dirty glares from Abby that said everything.

6:48 p.m. - We are now debating on our third overpriced restaurant and decide yet again...no. We will keep looking. Now Abby has two things to be mad at us about. She is starving and we have no camera. These previews we get of life with a teenager are very heartwarming.

6:57 p.m. - We happen upon a stage with a band dressed in 17th century costumes complete with powdered wigs, playing classical music with a techno bop keyboardest as part of the ensemble. Apart from the powdered wigs, it is actually pretty cool if not a tad bizarre.

7:03 p.m. - YEAHHH! Free chocolate samples at the Godiva Chocolate store. We walk right in, get the sample and walk right back out. I am sure we are not the only ones.

7:18 p.m. - All too often situations come up where I feel totally inadequate as a parent. Fortunately, the times where I get to see total heartbreak in the eyes of my kids over my parenting skills are not so common. However, here we are. We went into a hugh Disney toy story that had all kinds of hands on stuff. You could make Mr. Potato Heads and play with footballs or basketballs. They even had a make your own lightsabre station. Logan was drawn right to it. He just started playing and the rest of the family was near by looking at other things. Suddenly, Shannon is coming quickly and says to me as she passes that she can't find Logan. She is headed to the back of the store so I go immediately up to the front. It can't have been more than 5 minutes, but I see him near the front cash register, sitting on a display case with his head against the wall. You can see in his eyes he is completely scared and heartbroken. Tears are pooling in his red little eyes. For a moment, I can feel all of his fears in me and I feel terrible.

I walk up and hold out my hand. When he finally sees me, the look of relief is overwhelming, but it is still taking him a little bit to pull himself out of the place he has been. There are so many things that at that moment and in the moments since that have come to me about the symbolic nature of that moment that I will not go into here. But let's leave it at, I never want to lose my family. And I don't want to be the reason they are left with feelings of complete abandonment. Ever!

Afterward, Logan told us that as soon as he realized he couldn't see any of us, he went straight to the manager and said, "I'm lost." I'm glad we taught him that much. He is such a wonderful little boy. I love him so much and that look on his face when I found him before he had seen me is forever etched in my mind. I'm not going to lie, I am tearing up now thinking about it. What a weenie I am. But in light of the tragedy that has occured in our community this last week to a young boy just his age, it causes one to be a little philosophical and emotional. Moving on.

7:32 a.m. - There is a Disney pin store right across from the toy store and so that is our next stop as we dabble in pin collecting. Unbeknownst (I always feel like speaking in an English accent with my nose poked way up in the air when I use that word...which isn't that often, I promise.) to me, I must not have offended my young son too much with the above incident, because he pulls Shannon aside when he sees a "World's Best Dad" pin and tells her he wants to get that for me for Christmas. She let me know what had happened so that his five year old efforts to hide what he had just purchased would not prompt me to ask questions. Good call on her part because it actually became pretty difficult to ignore his efforts at concealment. As he stands there with his hands behind his back trying to look innocent, it was all I could do not to laugh. Fortunately, Shannon finds a place to stow the pin and he can come out of super stealth mode.

7:51 p.m. - We are now beyond starving and have run out of options. We decide to try this place called Earl of Sandwich. Boy was that a good call!!! My Carribean Jerk Chicken sandwich was one of the best sandwiches I have ever eaten. So the advertisement for which I will get paid nothing portion of this blog is for anyone who has the opportunity to eat at the Earl of Sandwich. Do it!

8:38 p.m. - We make it back to our car in the parking lot with no issue. We found it no problem. However, we did see a family that was experiencing our Monday night as they could not find their car. They had also apparently lost their mother in the process. I have never felt so bad for someone because I could relate and yet felt so grateful that it wasn't us again.

8:49 p.m. - Wow, we are back at the hotel. In under fifteen minutes. Has this been possible the entire week?

9:30 p.m. - I had to run to Wal-Mart, but Shannon stayed back and got the kids into bed. Once they were down, apparently that Mexican food had quite an effect. She sat in front of the TV craving chips and salsa while watching the Latin Grammy's...in Spanish. When I returned, we watched a bit together. No idea why. But we are certain we cannot ever move from Arizona as it is apparent that we cannot go long periods of time without proper Mexican food. If we do, weird things will begin to happen.

10:45 p.m. - I say good night to my legs who share with me a message of gratitude for not having to walk all day on concrete in a theme park. I don't mention to them that we are back at it in the morning. They will find out soon enough.

Orlando Trip Day 4: Does Ice Cream For Dinner Make Us Bad Parents?

2010-12-06T18:51:00.000-08:00

7:30 a.m. - Well Mr. Alarm Clock, here we are again. I refuse to open my eyes or move and you refuse to stop making the most hideous sound known to man. It would seem we are at an impass.

8:24 a.m. - Good morning Igor. Mighty fine blend of DP you brewed this morning. I know many people will find this disgusting (first and foremost my wife), but my new favorite gas station had a special on hot dogs. Buy one, get one free. I didn't actually get two hot dogs for breakfast...but I thought long and hard about it. We don't get many hot dogs around our house due to the fact that Shannon would probably think just as long and hard about eating the dog food in our pantry before eating a hot dog.

8:48 a.m. - Logan makes it three for three on puking in the morning before we leave. However, the good news is that he is not running a fever and seems to be just fine once he is done. This is a positive turn of events. In fact, he would go the whole day completely fine and not needing medication. Me, on the other hand, took at least 4 ibuprofen before the day was over.

9:32 a.m. - We arrive at the Magic Kingdom. But before you can get to the park, you have to do one of two things to get to the park. Get a ride on a monorail or ride a ferry boat as the Magic Kingdom entrance is across a very large lake. We chose the monorail. It was beautiful. The lake was shining and the day was perfect. It is quite enchanting to enter a theme park this way. My opinion of this entrance would change later in the day. Stay tuned.

10:02 a.m. - We are now in the park and we decide our day will start in Tomorrowland at Space Mountain. The further we get in the mountain, the more nervous our children are starting to get. I think by the time we got to the ride itself, many people probably were contemplating calling CPS on us. "You will ride and you WILL enjoy it." "Stop your whining!" "Don't be a weenie." I may have crossed the line with the weenie comments, but such is life. We didn't travel over 2,000 miles not to ride on Space Mountain. Once it was over, shockingly they enjoyed it. Just like we had told them they would. But then again, what were we thinking. Parents never know anything.

10:27 a.m. - Next we went on the People Mover which is a ride they used to have at Disneyland, but don't have anymore. This is my pitch for them to bring it back. It isn't much of a pitch, but then it isn't that much of a ride. However, it was a nice relaxing needed break after...one ride??? Did I mention that I took four ibuprofen today? Did I mention that I took all four by 10:27?

10:46 a.m. - While standing in line for the rockets, we see a guy who is seven feet tall. Nothing really exciting about him except...HE WAS SEVEN FEET TALL! Then, when we were up next to actually get on the rockets, we look over and see an old lady struggling to get aboard her rocket. Then we look at the next rocket and see the exact same old lady buckling herself into her rocket...WHAT??? Twin old ladies??? Really? What are the odds of seeing a seven foot guy and twins that are Social Security eligible in the same attraction line? I don't actually know the odds, but they can't be that good.

11:03 a.m. - Last attraction for Tomorrowland is Buzz Lightyear. Way better in Disneyland. Not that we have a west coast/east coast thing going on or anything...I'm just sayin'.

11:24 a.m. - Leaving Tomorrowland, we come upon a great picture location for Cinderella's Castle. Ok, Disneyland may have a better Buzz Lightyear, but Cinderella's Castle kicks butt.

11:36 a.m. - Walk into Liberty Square area. This is a section patterned after a colonial Massachusetts town and takes the place of New Orleans from Disneyland. Chalk another one up for California. Although, they did have a great picture spot where you could pose in "the stocks". One of my great regrets from this trip is that we didn't get a picture of any of us in the stocks.

11:50 a.m. - While waiting in line for lunch in the Liberty Square area, I get in a conversation with the guy who was gonna hand us our food. He was a newbie and very talkative. Very nice. Out of this conversation, we found out you can get a nice button if it is your first trip to the Magic Kingdom. The kids proudly wore their new buttons. Also, Shannon and I were able to get some Clam Chowder. It was wonderful.

12:12 p.m. - Not sure what it is about meal time that prompts kids to think this is the best time to talk about disgusting stuff, but Logan feels now is a good time to describe what it was like to throw up water through his nose this morning. This leads to another discussion about all the things we have had come back up through our noses. Why on the meal where I finally got Clam Chowder does this have to come up? It just doesn't seem fair.

12:29 p.m. - Logan, "I gotta go poop." "No problem son, there is a bathroom right over here." Oh wait, for the first time we experience a bathroom for men that has a line and if we haven't documented this before, Logan gives you about a three minute warning before major problems arise if he doesn't get to a toilet. We rush quickly to Fantasyland to find the nearest bathroom.

12:33 p.m. - As I am sitting there outside of a bathroom stall with my son who loves to stall in a bathroom, I suddenly took notice of the urinals. There were 11. I counted. It led to a strange tangent that even to this day I think I still find fascinating. I would be totally curious to see a report of which urinal gets used most during a normal day at Disney World. As I had nothing but time on my hands, this led me to my next thought. If you took 100 men and had them walk into this empty Disney World bathroom with 11 urinals, what would be the breakdown of which one would get used most and which one least. I would then want them to interview the 100 men and find out why they use the one they use. Women would probably never understand the patterns of the human male when it comes to urinal usage, but it is fascinating to watch. Men don't like to be right next to another man unless they have to. There really is quite a dance that occurs in a public bathroom hundreds of times a day. I know, because I got to stand there for a very long period of time waiting for Logan. Otherwise, why on earth would the following paragraph go through my head. Gosh we have to work with this kid on his bathroom time.

12:47 p.m. - I know I said I wasn't doing any kind of west coast/east coast comparison...but yeah, all day I totally was. Next up, we did Haunted Mansion and...I hate to admit it, but overall, it goes to Disney World. The outside is totally a California win, but the overall ride goes to Florida. If nothing else, for the glowing footsteps on the stairs. Pretty Cool!

1:32 p.m. - We parked our stroller and went into Pirates (point Disneyland) and then had a good time shopping. We come out and our stroller is gone. What is with this place? We can't keep anything that has four wheels. We look all over and finally find it about 100 yards away. One thing they have at Florida that they don't have in California is actual parking lots for strollers. Employees will move your stroller to the stroller parking areas if you don't park it in the right spot. Ours got moved to the nearest one when we failed to see it upon our arrival at Pirates. That could be because the parking area was no where near pirates. Still, nothing like 10 minutes of stress in a crowded Adventureland. Also, Shannon buys a mediallion necklace like the one in the first Pirates movie. We agree she will wear it to church our first week back and see if anyone notices.

1:47 p.m. - The kids meet Goofy.

2:02 p.m. - Get in line for the Jungle Cruise. Not sure why, but Braden chooses this ride to suddenly duck walk through the entire queue. He isn't doing anything wrong so...we just kind of ignore him and let him do his thing. Still not sure where this came from.

2:08 p.m. - When I was struggling so hard not to tell my kids about this trip, I would bring Logan to the computer and we would watch videos of the rides at Disney World. The video of the Jungle Cruise was a fun little video that would have a fake reel missing sequence just as the film got to "the most dangerous part of the voyage." All day, Logan was excited to go see this most dangerous part of the voyage. But as we were waiting in line, the word dangerous started to sink in and he really started getting nervous. We had a talk and he was ok until we actually got to that part in the ride. It was really hard to hide my smile as he just fidgeted out of extreme nervousness as we went into the tunnel. (Jungle Cruise? Point Disney World)

3:10 p.m. - Make our way to Fantasyland. (Total point Disneyland) Nothing extraordinary except for Mickey's Philharmagic. Great 3-D movie starring Donald Duck. Best memory? Logan trying to reach out and grab the jewels from the screen. Here is the typical response to riding on Small World. (Just kidding, I actually like this ride. I know, that makes me a Disney Dweeb. Not like that is news.)

4:51 p.m. - Splash Mountain. (Point Disney World) I don't understand my children as we had to force them on this ride too.

5:23 p.m. - Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. (Wash) Everybody loves it. Too bad Abby didn't pay attention to the recording that says, "Stash your hats and glasses because...blah, blah, blah...the wildest ride in the wilderness." She lost her sunglasses. Not a happy pre-teen.

5:42 p.m. - Last ride of the night, we trek it to the teacups...except they are closed. Oops! Should have checked on that before we walked what had to be half a mile on very tired feet.

6:02 p.m. - Get our spot for the fireworks that night. Everyone is hungry. I go to get food while Shannon and the kids hold the spots. Oops! Also should have checked on the fact that they close every single restaurant on the west side of the park during the parade which is happening while I am trying to get food before I walked another quarter mile on the same tired feet. (Definitely point Disneyland)

6:15 p.m. - We had asked all of the kids if they wanted to see the parade. The answer was no. Now, Abby wants to go see it. We walk the same quarter mile to a place where we can get to the head of the parade. It has been 11+ years and I would still do anything for that little girl. Too bad she isn't so little anymore.

6:50 p.m. - An hour has gone by, the parade is over but our family still hasn't eaten. My guess is they are probably still hungry. The ONLY place open is a Dole orange juice and frozen yogurt stand. We get a frozen yogurt float for everyone which equals five to carry for two people. We can manage this. Unfortunately, they get one wrong. So they make a new one. Then they decide to give us the extra. Now we have six and we have to carry them between me and Abby. Did I mention it was frozen yogurt? They were freezing. We ended up giving the extra to the family next to us. Five minutes later, the dad for the other family shows up and he had also only been able to find ice cream for dinner and also had somehow ended up with an extra. He gave it to us. As Logan is sitting there shaking uncontrollably, we now have even more ice cream for dinner. Only in Disney World.

7:00 p.m. - Fireworks are awesome and the lighting on the castle is unreal. (Point Disney World)

7:48 p.m. - Shannon wants to get some extra maps of the park for memory's sake. That is all well and good until we realize she has selected the Japanese version of the maps.

8:02 p.m. - Up until now, it has been pretty close as to which park is better. Then we try and leave. Remember how this park's entry is over a lake? Now we have to get back over that lake along with the other 40,000 people who visited the Magic Kingdom that day. What was once quaint and magical is now hell on earth. I have been through a lot of situations where one feels like cattle. But never like this. We get in the "line" for the ferry boats. I am naturally people clausterphobic. This was awful. And it took about an hour to get through the process of making it to a ferry boat and then getting back to the parking lot. Disneyland wins, hands down.

9:11 p.m. - We are driving out of Disney World when all of a sudden, we realize we don't have a clue where we are. Once again, no where to turn around and no lights whatsoever. Finally we come up over a hill and our Marriott hotel landmark is miles (and I mean MILES) away. We finally find a place to turn around, get back into Disney World and find the exit we missed. I loved this vacation, but at this point, I was seriously ready to have the idiot responsible for the roadways in Florida charged with high crimes and misdemeanors. Good gosh driving around this place was horrible. Shannon took this opportunity to let me know that she thought we weren't on the right road. Thanks dear.

9:35 p.m. - I hate the Nickelodian network with a passion, but I have never been so happy to see their resort as I was that night as it was on the corner where we turn to get to our hotel. It is now super late and we still haven't had any dinner. I take off for the Subway.

9:42 p.m. - The Subway has one...yes one person working there. Not one working the front line...ONE PERSON WORKING. Not too big a deal as there are only two people in front of me. Oh wait, it is an old couple...who can't decide what they want...and have to pause every two words because one of them is on oxygen but is unfortunately the designated communicator for the group...AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Psych is coming on at 10 and I am going to be late. I may one day find it possible to forgive these people, but I will never forget.

9:54 p.m. - Almost all of the sandwiches I am going to order require turkey. They are out of Turkey. The one, yes one, employee (you can tell I am having a hard time letting this one go) goes into the back to get more turkey. He failed to tell me that this was also his designated break time where he leaves the store, drives to Miami and goes on a bender before returning with my sandwich meat. How do you have a store with one (1, UNO, Solitary) employee. Had I not missed the first 17 minutes of Psych, I wouldn't be so upset. But I did, so I am.

11:00 p.m. - At the end of Psych, they have the different outtakes. Cary Elwes was guest starring and he had a line where he said, "Great Scott, I've been setup." They showed him trying several different options of this line that included, "Walrus teets, I've been setup." "Princess Anne on a pogo stick, I've been setup." "Rupert Grint's Knickers, I've been setup." And our personal favorite, "Skydiving Judy Dench, I've been setup." Between that and, "I told you his password wasn't Senor Whopperpants" and we couldn't stop laughing. It might be a thing where you had to be there, but for us, a pretty good end to the day. It almost made me forget about the ONE EMPLOYEE. But not quite.

Orlando Trip Day 3: King Kong Row 311

2010-11-29T10:55:00.000-08:00

Tuesday was a big day as we were scheduled to head out to see The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. This was one that we the parents and Abby were really excited about. The day proceeded as follows.

7:30 a.m. - I have a song on my iPod by SheDaisy (I will pause for 2 minutes while all the jokes about my iPod selections are made...are we done? Ok we proceed) that has the line "the day goes off like a rifle." That applies this morning, especially if the rifle was pointed at my head. After the "Our car is stolen" episode the night before, everyone is exhausted. I get up, shower and then force Shannon to do the same. In order to avoid the ugliness described in the last post, I go down to breakfast and then head off to see Igor at the gas station. (By the way, this name is not meant as a description. His name really is Igor.)

8:30 a.m. - The kids are up and they head down to breakfast. Since I took the bullet for the team and got up first, Shannon allows me to stay in the room and lay down while she takes the kids to breakfast. Had Kate been on the trip, I don't believe I would have been afforded that luxury.

8:52 a.m. - Family is back and Logan has puked again. This time in front of a crowded room of people eating their complimentary breakfast. I guess most people didn't realize that their complimentary breakfast came with entertainment as well. Fortunately, he made it behind a pillar before he got going. Unfortunately, the pillar did not come with any sound proofing so the audio was on full display. We drug him up again, wait a few minutes then we load up and head out to Universal Studios.

9:05 a.m. - We are on the freeway when I flip out realizing I forgot the Universal tickets back at the hotel. I want to curse loudly because I had reminded myself no less than 3 times not to forget them. I hate that more than anything when you tell yourself repeatedly not to do something and then you do it anyway. So now we have the unfortunate task of trying to turn around and go back to our hotel. I am convinced Florida locals sit in hidden blinds watching the tourists try to navigate the roads around theme park alley (Disney World, Sea World and Universal Studios are all within 5-8 miles of each other). I am sure it provides much more entertainment to them than any theme park could. We finally see an exit for Sea World. We can't see how that exit will get us back to the freeway, but at this point, it is the only exit we can see so we take our chances. The idea being that if we refuse to pay them, they will find a way to get us back out of there.

9:14 a.m. - We are at a stoplight with the entry gates to Sea World right in front of us. No where to turn around. However, I can see the on-ramp back to the freeway that we need to take right around the corner. I close my eyes, hit the gas and make what I am sure is an illegal u-turn and we are headed back to the hotel. I crack my eyes and look in all directions for hidden cop cars that are now speeding toward me, but I don't see any.

9:31 a.m. - I have the tickets and we are on our way again. The kids are in the backseat mocking my anger roar from earlier when I realized that I had left the tickets. That's nice.

9:47 a.m. - We are at the parking booths and they have an option for preferred parking. I ask what that is. It means we get to park on the same level as the entrance to the park. Had it been any other day, I would have spit in the man's eye, called him a charlatan and grudgingly paid the lower of the two costs to park in the regular parking area...oh wait, no offense to the memory of my mother but that is what she would have done. She was never a big fan of the having to pay for parking concept at theme parks and was never afraid to unload on the poor unforunate souls who worked the booths collecting money. Anyway, I would never have considered the preferred parking either except for the whole car incident the night before. I look at Shannon and we both nod. We pay the extra and we are preferred parkers.

9:53 a.m. - As it turned out, I don't know that the preferred parking was needed, because when we park, we are in King Kong area row 311. Everyone makes a point of remembering this. In fact, Abby, always the funny little comedienne (#@%$@) points out the roaring King Kong looks like me when I realized I had forgotten the tickets. She is so hilarious. Braden especially makes it his mission to make sure that he remembers where we are parked.

10:05 a.m. - We get to the entrance to the Universal Studios Islands of Adventure park. For those who are not familiar with Harry Potter theme park world, it is only a small part of a larger theme park which is Islands of Adventure. We get in, get strollered and are off to Harry Potter.

10:07: a.m. - Braden, "King Kong, row 311"

10:12 a.m. - Of course they place Harry Potter in the very back corner so after much walking, we arrive at Hogsmeade and are able to see the Hogwarts Express.

10:16 a.m. - The first ride available is Dueling Dragons. It is basically a roller coaster where your feet dangle. The boys are too short and after a spirited discussion, Abby chooses not to go as well. But it is no big deal, it is only a 10 minute wait while Shannon goes.

10:34 a.m. - Braden, "King Kong, row 311."

10:52 a.m. - We finally get Shannon back. Apparently when she was ready to be next in line, they had a small issue which resulted in a "10 minute" delay. Apparently to Universal, 10 minutes is just a number we throw out there as neither the wait nor the delay were 10 minutes.

10:56 a.m. - Walk down the streets of Hogsmeade. It is really cool. They have done a fantastic job. The only downside is that Hogsmeade is supposed to be in the highlands of Great Britain where is it always overcast and generally cold. They have fake snow on the rooftops to back this up. It is a shame decoration can only go so far as it is hitting in the 80s without a cloud in sight here in central Florida. But that is a small complaint. The shops are incredible and it really does look like the Harry Potter world in the movies. We stop to get a Pumpkin juice. I am feeling really nostalgic for the books until I hear the cashier say, "That will be $6.95." What??? Even by theme park standards this seems excessive. Thankfully it is cold and it tastes pretty good. At least I think so. Everyone else is kind of...eh, so I get almost the whole thing. Yeah!

10:59 a.m. - Braden, "King Kong, row 311." (Let's make this the last entry about this, but know that this continued every 15 minutes to 1/2 hour throughout the day.)

11:04 a.m. - We get in line for THE ride. Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey. It is housed inside of Hogwarts castle. The line to get into the ride is awesome. The portraits actually look like portraits and they come to life. It is amazing. The ride is also unlike anything I have ever ridden on before. That is undoubtedly as close as I will ever get to flying on a broomstick. I took Braden and Abby and Shannon went with Logan to go on Flight of the Hippogriff because Logan wasn't quite tall enough to ride the Forbidden Journey. We are done in 20 minutes. Shannon isn't done for another 20 for a coaster that is basically a tiny kiddie coaster. So when we get off, the kids want to go with Shannon and Logan wants to ride the Hippogriff ride again so we do. I must love my son Logan because I was ready to feed Hagrid to a dragon by the time we got to ride that ride. His voice plays throughout the queue in the Hippogriff ride and it is on a continuous loop that only lasts about 90 seconds. And Hagrid was never my favorite character in the first place.

12:36 p.m. - Time for lunch. But before we head to lunch, we are all hot and thirsty and so we decide to try a Butter beer. Although it basically amounts to a cream soda with a creamy layer head put on it, it still tastes really good. Especially since it is starting to feel like 100 degrees instead of 80.

12:47 p.m. - As we leave the Harry Potter area, we realize that it is the only part of the park that is jammed packed full of people. And when I say jam-packed, I mean jam-packed. But we decide to eat in the Jurassic Park portion of the park and suddenly walk ways are clearer, people's moods are little better...the air is a little less body odorier. It truly is amazing to think about. We saw a line to shop in Dervish and Banges (a store from Harry Potter). They sell Harry Potter stuff. That's it. But there was a line to go shopping. And it wasn't the day after Thanksgiving. Even worse was trying to shop for a wand in Ollivanders. There was a line with a wait of over an hour...JUST TO BUY A PLASTIC WAND!!! Now there was a little something special in the presentation if you got into Ollivanders, but at the end of the day, people were waiting an hour to buy a fake wand. You have succeeded in business if you can create something that will make people do that. We did not.

12:58 p.m. - Sit down to lunch. When I say nothing special...I really mean nothing special. Logan had started to feel a bit iffy again and needed medicine. Of course, the only thing they had for kids at this place was fried mac and cheese. That is what I said, fried mac and cheese. I would have faked sick if I had been fed that too I suppose. We medicine him up and relax for a while.

1:49 p.m. - Head over to the Jurassic Park ride. We feel like we entered another world (Ha Ha) as we were able to walk right onto this ride. We all got a little wet and it felt good.

2:06 p.m. - We decide to try out the Dr. Suess section of the park but it is on the other side of Harry Potter so we go back through Harry Potter. We decide to stop and get some butter beers for everyone at the Hog's Head. Again, the theming in this section of the park is just amazing. The Hog's Head is connected to the Three Broomsticks which we explore a little bit. After a good rest and a cold drink, we are ready to go.

2:40 p.m. - We go on the Dr. Suess rides (The Cat in the Hat was our favorite. We rode it twice...maybe three times. I can't remember.) After the Cat in the Hat ride, we had a good time shopping in the Cat in the Hat store. We came really close to buying Thing 1, Thing 2, Thing 3 and Thing 4 shirts for our kids.

3:49 p.m. - We next go to the Marvel comics section of the park. The Hulk roller coaster is massive and is one of the biggies in this park. I go to check how long the wait is and...I am able to walk right on. Did I mention we are still in the same theme park where I waited just under an hour to ride a kiddie coaster that resembled something I saw at the County Fair. I guess the difference is that The Incredible Hulk has not made money in the billions over the last ten years. Anyway, it was an awesome coaster.

4:08 p.m. - Bathroom stops and then Shannon decides she wants to go on the Hulk. The kids and I head over to the X-men ride. It has intense music and a very dangerous sounding name and strobe lights and and everything to make you understand how intense this ride is. At the end of the day however, it is still just the teacups ride.

4:13 p.m. - Discover that the X-men (teacups) following the Hulk can equal nausea. Kids are screaming to go again. My head is screaming...well just screaming. We don't go again.

4:18 p.m. - Continue on down the Marvel comics street when Logan sees a massive Wolverine. He doesn't know anything about the X-men at all. But he knows Wolverine's name is Logan. We have to stop and get a picture.

4:37 p.m. - We go on the Spiderman ride. It is a dark ride in a car with 3-D glasses. But it is WAY COOL! The glasses mean that characters like Spiderman and the villians can jump right on the front of your car. Pretty intense for a dark ride. Logan keeps his eyes shut for most of the ride.

5:00 p.m. - We know that the park shuts at 7 and we want to go back to Harry Potter and ride the rides again and do some shopping so we just walk right through the Sunday comics section. Nothing major to see here, but we do get a pretty good picture of Shannon with a caption over her head.

5:25 p.m. - We ask about Child Swap on the Harry Potter ride and find out Logan can go all the way through the line up to the end and then there is a room where the parent and child who can't ride can wait. Really? Why didn't we investigate this before? Dang!

5:50 p.m. - Logan desparately wants to go on the Hippogriff ride again. I take some pictures and wait. Braden and I don't want to go so we go shopping. I have seen a ton of little kids running around in Harry Potter robes all day. We finally can get into Dervish and Banges without waiting in line. This is where the robes are. They cost $100. I hope that even if I should ever strike a fortune, I will not feel like I need to buy what amounts to a Halloween costume for my kids or grandkids for $100. WOW!!

6:18 p.m. - Shannon and Abby want to shop a little bit. I am content to sit outside and take in Hogsmeade at night. It is just really cool, at least to me.

6:45 p.m. - We leave the park and poor Logan is just about done. Outside of the parks, they have several restaurants and so we decide to go to an Italian place as Abby has decided she LOVES Fettucini Alfredo and begs for it every chance she gets.

7:26 p.m. - By the time dinner arrives, all the kids are sitting there with their heads down exhausted. In fact, Logan has fallen completely asleep. Which of course means only one thing. I get to carry Logan back to the car.

8:06 p.m. - We are in the car and we are headed back to the hotel. The kids are now very excited and tired which means they have entered the silly zone. I get after them a few times, but it doesn't really help. Finally, I (also exhausted) snap at them pretty good and tell them not to make any more noise until I can navigate where exactly we are. When we make it back to the hotel, Logan says to me as we are getting out of the car, "I wasn't making any noise dad." "I know son." "It's cause I was kind of asleep." "I know son." I hug him because he is one sweet kid.

9:09 p.m. - We get the kids bathed, ready for bed and say prayers. Put them in bed.

9:10 p.m. - All three kids are asleep. I mean dead asleep. The amount of time between this and the previous item is not an exageration. In fact, Logan can be heard snoring within 30 seconds of the lights going out.

9:15 p.m. - In order to make it to Florida without having to pay a small fortune in checked bag charges, Shannon only packed 4 days worth of clothes. We could get away with this because each room comes with a washer and dryer. We load up the washer, put in the soap, hit the on button and...nothing. We try not to panic as we are now faced with four days in Florida wearing dirty (Stinky!) clothes. We call maintenance and fortunately, they get it fixed. That is good news for us and them as the room possibly would have had to be fumigated following our departure had they not got it working. Just from Braden's socks alone.

11:00 p.m. - We have to wait for the laundry to finish so it is a while before Shannon and I can get to bed. I may have fallen asleep two or three times before we finally turned the lights off. I can't remember. With the Magic Kingdom looming on the morrow, I just pray some magic healing occurs in the night to my aching feet.

Orlando Trip Day 2: Today is A Little Weird For Me

2010-11-23T12:10:00.000-08:00

6:30 a.m. - Can't sleep any longer in anticipation of visiting Disney World with my kids. Ok, maybe it is more along the line of my hips hurt and my bladder will not survive one more instant without some relief. Either way, I am up and going.

6:50 a.m. - I am dressed and ready to go. Shannon is just getting out of bed and the kids are still asleep. Clearly something is going to have to happen or she or I will be dead within two hours from me bugging her to go and her telling me to chill out. I decide to go down to breakfast. The hotel has no Dr. Pepper and breakfast didn't take very long so I get in the car to scout out where the sweet nectar will be available during our stay in beautiful Central Florida. I find a gas station and purchase a 20 oz. bottle. I also meet Igor. He and I will become fast friends before the week is over. Now the funny thing is, Shannon and I never mentioned this once the whole week, but she knew I was going out to get my Dr. Pepper and I knew that she knew. But again, now matter how pathetic she may find this...what should we call it...addiction, it saved us both from me being my annoying self trying to get people out the door and to the parks. So a silent truce was called and mutual understanding formed.

7:30 a.m. - Get kids up. Logan's face breaks into a grin before he even opens his eyes as he says he is going to Epcot. That is the kind of excitement that makes this whole thing worth it. Unfortunately...

7:40 a.m. - Logan has stripped down to his skivvies and is getting ready to put his clothes on for the day when he looks at me with tears in his eyes. He says, "Today is a little weird for me." I thought he was going to follow this up with how hard it will be to not be in school and how he will miss his friends. Those thoughts went out the window in a millisecond as he follows this statement with the little cough of doom. You know the one. The signal cough for I am going to puke in 10, 9, 8...and he does. At least he made it to the toilet. Poor kid is running a fever and now shaking all over. CRAP!

8:02 a.m. - Logan goes to sleep on me while the rest of the family goes to breakfast. We have entered that holding pattern while we try to figure out what we are going to do without really having any idea what we are going to do.

8:43 a.m. - We have drugged Logan up and we are waiting to see how this goes in the next ten minutes. The fever seems to be going down and he is showing signs of life and so we say, "The heck with our child's health, we paid big money to be here and we have a schedule to keep." And we loaded everyone in and headed to Epcot.

9:16 a.m. - We park and we join the masses heading for the front gate. The night before we saw a sign remarking on the fact that all bodies of water in Florida have snakes and Alligators in them. That is comforting as we walk past a body of water in the parking lot...OR DID WE?????????? (More to come on that later)

9:18 a.m. - Nice man offers to take a picture of our whole family at the entrance to the park in front of the giant golf ball. Unfortunately, he totally leaves out the golf ball. For that matter, he leaves out Braden as well. Oh well, I guess it is the thought that counts. Right?

9:23 a.m. - Logan still isn't doing great so we decide to rent him a stroller. We would come to realize this was the best decision we made the whole trip. However, he wasn't crazy about being 5 years old and riding in a stroller...until we came up with the idea that he is King Logan and we are his servants wheeling him around the park. He was fine with that. So the rest of the day when we wanted him to get in the stroller, we simply said, "All right King Logan" and he would hop right in and away we would go.

9:42 a.m. - First ride of the day...Spaceship Earth. A pretty cool ride that is similar to pirates in that it has a lot of animatronic figures, similar to the haunted mansion in that it is a continuous car ride AND it takes place in what looks like a giant golf ball. Those three things add up to awesome ride. Then you factor in that at the end of the ride, they take your picture and place your face on a cartoon character and tell a little story about what your life will be like in the future. This is very fascinating and comical. Braden looked slightly drugged out with his picture and so through the whole cartoon he had the appearance of DUHH! Logan and Shannon's car didn't quite work right and didn't get a picture of Shannon I guess, so there were two Logans in his cartoon.

10:01 a.m. - Next ride, Mission to Mars. This ride simulates blasting off in a rocket and travelling to Mars...hence the name I suppose. The ride offers two different options as the full simulation can be pretty intense. Everyone but me chooses the less intense version. I go for the gusto. Let me just say that I have never had problems on a ride before in my life...until now. That was the first time I seriously considered puking on a ride. Not only that, it started a headache that would plague the rest of my morning. Neat ride, but Wow.

10:25 a.m. - Next we rode Test Track. Cool ride sponsored by GM. So after the ride they have all these cars you can sit in if you wish. One was a Camaro. Abby was very excited as she climbed in. While I took the picture, I could see her in a driver's seat and nearly hyperventilated. Then I realized it is still four years away and calmed down. Then I realized it is only four years away and full on hyperventilated. Ok not really, but I did make her get out of the car fairly quickly.

10:55 a.m. - After Test Track we were off to the Nemo ride. Now, I had just recently been through the Mission to Mars situation and was still trying to get my bearings. Shannon has never been good with crazy movement on screen. So you can imagine how that set when we had our car stop in the Nemo ride right in the middle of the scene depicting the EAC (not Eastern Arizona College, the something something current...go watch Finding Nemo if it is important to you what it actually stands for). It was a room that makes you feel like you are in the middle of swirling water zooming past you along with fish and turtles. Both Shannon and I started to get a little nauseous again.

10:40 a.m. - Exiting the Nemo ride, you come into a big room dimly lit with lots of fish. After a bathroom break, I come out and cannot find my family. I am still dealing with my headache and the low lighting is not helping. Of course cell phone coverage is crap and so Shannon won't answer her phone. Starting to get a little angry when I discover them in the area ready to do Turtle Talk with Crush. Logan is a little freaked out because this puffer fish keeps looking directly at him and following him. He ends up standing behind Shannon so it can't see him anymore. Shannon and I are both feeling a little iffy and agree getting out of the dimly lit area filled with screaming children might be in our best interest.

11:30 a.m. - Logan is heading south and so we agree that lunch is in order and another dose of Motrin. After Mission to Mars, Nemo and the whole dimly lit area, I take a shot of Motrin myself.

11:42 p.m. - Kids have first of many chicken nugget meals

12:47 p.m. - Do Test Track again. While in line, I look over and this guy has on a massive ring. I look closer and it looks like a Super Bowl ring. I have never seen one in person and so being a total idiot, I say, "Excuse me, is that a Super Bowl Ring?" "Yes." Now the conversation has reached a point where I am in awe and yet out of anything intelligent to say. So I can't remember if I responded Wow or Cool. I try to make a little more small talk, but it fails miserably.

12:59 p.m. - Ready to head over to the World Showcase. No wait, all the kids want to do the big golf ball again. Cool ride so I don't argue. Plus, I use the ride to lean my head back and catch a small cat nap. This is day one. Not a good sign.

1:18 p.m. - Finally, we are ready to head over to the World Showcase. This is the part I have been looking forward to. But wait, we pass by an ice cream stand and everyone but me agrees that is what should come next...FINE! But hurry, you have 5 minutes. I lost that one too. Anyway, while I am waiting for them, I go into a Coca Cola store thinking I might find something to drink. Boy did I!!! Free soda from around the world. You could get as many samples as you wanted. I got them all. And I didn't feel bad about it. Especially since the one from Italy, I think, tasted like what I imagine motor oil to taste like. But the Ginger Ale from China and the Costa Rica drink were, dare I say, the soda BOMB! Even in print I can't pull that off.

1:32 p.m. - OK, now finally we are ready to go to the World Showcase...except wait. For some reason everyone thinks now is the best time to stop at an outdoor cart selling silly hats. We spend 10 minutes all trying the hats on and then taking pictures. Not terrible I guess, but now I am REALLY ready to go to the World Showcase.

1:41 p.m. - OK, NOW WE ARE REALLY FINALLY READY to go to the World Showcase...No. Shannon and Braden must stop for the bathroom.

1:48 p.m. - Braden returns from the bathroom.

1:53 p.m. - Thinking about telling Braden to go back in and see if Shannon has fallen in.

1:58 p.m. - Now I am not sure if I care that she has fallen in, I am about ready to leave her. (I didn't say any of this out loud did I? I did? Crap. That will undoubtedly lead to...)

2:01 p.m. - Shannon finally shows up and I throw a small tantrum for which I get in trouble. Of course no one can control nature any more than someone can control a theme park bathroom only having two stalls. Once I am properly chastened we move on to...THE WORLD SHOWCASE

2:16 p.m. - The first thing we see is Canada. Pretty cool 360 degree movie with Martin Short.

3:02 p.m. - Moving on to England...AAAHHHH England. But wait, before we can get there, there is a stage with a band. What could it be? Men in kilts playing either electric guitars or the bagpipes. Just ponder that for a moment. Done? Ok.

3:28 p.m. - Shopping in England and finally I find what I have been waiting for. Mars Bars! Not the cruddy Mars Bars you get here in the states, but rather the perfection that is the British Mars Bar which coincidentally helped sustain me many a day on my mission. I buy one for the whole family. I don't care that they cost almost $3 each...ok I care a little bit and almost didn't buy one for anyone else but me. But then I pick the other four back up and buy them anyway. My whole family deserves the joy that is a British Mars bar.

3:44 p.m. - Pictures in the UK

4:11 p.m. - Pictures in France.

4:45 p.m. - Abby calls her friend Samantha. The day before she had called her from the car. Now keep in mind they had not talked about this trip prior to us leaving because our kids didn't know about it. So when they talked on Sunday it was "You won't believe what happened to us today. (Followed by full explanation.) So today when Abby calls, she says to Samantha, guess where I am calling you from. "Where?" "Paris, France." I have to wonder what went through Samantha's mind. If it were me, I would be thinking, "Holy crap, my parents need to get with the program. First Abby gets to go to Florida and now she is in France? Clarification is made and they have a nice chat.

4:56 p.m. - Braden states unequivocally he does not want to meet the Princesses stationed in France.

4:58 p.m. - Logan has started back down again and is freezing. So before we leave France, we bundle him up in the stroller in two different jackets.

4:59 p.m. - Logan is asleep in the stroller. Probably for the best.

5:03 p.m. - Abby picks up from earlier and begins trying out different headwear of which we get pictures. We actually had a lot of fun with this.

5:12 p.m. - Logan said the only people he wanted to see were Aladdin and Jasmine. Well as we come up on Morocco, who do we see but Aladdin and Jasmine. We hold a 10 minute debate on whether we should wake him up or not. We go for not and will ask forgiveness later.

5:17 p.m. - They are holding the annual Food and Wine Festival at Epcot and so every few yards there is a little stand where you can purchase a sample of food from a different country. We see someone who has purchased the Belgian waffle and decide we will break down and try that. OH MY GOSH!!! Totally delicious!

5:20 p.m. - Shopping in Morocco. Abby fascinated with Belly Dancer costume. Not good for Shannon and I on so many levels.

5:35 p.m. - Heading into Japan, the little booth with food from Japan is selling California Spring rolls (Sushi). I buy one and offer $10 to any kid who will try it. No takers. Somehow though, I get Abby to take the smallest portion possible of Wasabi and put it on her tongue. I am still not sure if I have been forgiven for that.

5:45 p.m. - Wake Logan up unceremoniously and carry him into the American Adventure show. Neat show. Also nice opportunity to sit for a moment after a full day of walking. I am not going to lie. I took my shoes off. I didn't smell anything, but I wouldn't have cared if I did. It felt like a little slice of heaven. Unfortunately, while putting them back on, I caught my phone in the seat and broke my phone clip. Karma I guess. Although, I would still make that deal.

6:10 p.m. - Time for dinner. Italy is up next and something everyone would enjoy so it makes since doesn't it?

6:18 p.m. - Not when you see that the cheapest pizza costs $28, and that will feed two people. Now I am the biggest proponent of just biting down and accepting that prices are going to be inflated when you go to a Disney park. If you stress about prices, you will be miserable. But even I have my limits. So now, we don't know what to do. We decide that Shannon and Abby will continue on and look for something while I will go back to Morocco and get a Kebab. We will meet back at the America pavilion where we will get the boys...wait for it...Chicken Nuggets.

6:38 p.m. - I had gotten back with my Kebab and waiting to get started when Shannon and the kids arrive. She found Abby some raviolis at one of the little vendor carts, but couldn't find anything she liked. She resigned herself to eating whatever there was at the American pavilion...until I gave her a bite of mine. Now, I am making the trek between the American pavilion and the Morocco pavilion for the third time. Had I sent her back again...what am I saying...that would never happen. However, the end of our conversation ended with me saying, "Yes Dear." and you can probably fill in the rest of the conversation. Actually I volunteered, but I did point out that I had offered this in the first place to which she replied, "But I didn't know I wanted it then." Guys will realize that that was the end of the conversation.

6:40 p.m. - During the Food and Wine Festival, they hold a concert series. Well on my way to Morocco (again) (sorry honey, I will let it go now) that night's concert was wrapping up. And tonight's performers? Hansen. That's right, THAT Hansen. Not only that, they were singing MMM Bop. I have seen Hansen perform MMM Bop in person. Kill me now, my life can only go down from here.

7:03 p.m. - Have to use the bathroom again. Guys, quickly in and out. Girls, huge line. However, we watch a guy take his girlfriend right into the guys bathroom and stand guard outside the stall. I guess if you really gotta go, you really gotta go.

7:16 p.m. - Stop in Italy, get a good picture.

7:21 p.m. - Stop in Germany, can't really get a good picture.

7:28 p.m. - Watch some Chinese gymnasts in China. Running out of time so we move to Norway.

7:38 p.m. - Norway ride is a huge hit with our kids. But not near as big a hit as the helmets and troll statue in the store following the ride.

8:01 p.m. - Visit the Mexico pavilion and go on their ride. A lady asked Braden why he wasn't in school. He was lost for words so I told her it was because he had bad parents who felt family vacations were more important.

8:30 p.m. - Park it in spot by the lagoon to watch the Reflections of Life show that starts at 9. I have to use the restroom and ask if anyone else does. No one does.

8:42 p.m. - Get back and...Logan needs to use the restroom.

8:52 p.m. - Get back and...the guy standing next to our family says he needs to use the restroom and can I take him. I hadn't realized that he, his wife and Shannon had been talking for a while and so it caught be completely off guard. Good joke though.

9:00 p.m. - Show starts...and Shannon and I forgot how loud the fireworks were for this show. Braden did not remove his fingers the entire show. Wouldn't have been a big deal except he had his Mars Bar in his hands when it started. At the end of the show, his hands were full of melted Mars Bar that could not be salvaged. Ok, now I am little peeved that they cost $3 each.

9:38 p.m. - Shannon and I lead the way back to where we parked the car. Shannon and I did not confer on where the car was parked, we both knew where it was. We both went to the same spot. And yet, no car. We walked for a half hour around that parking lot. No car. Almost all of the other cars have left. No car. Braden is crying, Logan is freezing and Abby is doing her best teenager impersonation. No car. We have no answer other than it must have been stolen. So, our family huddles together in the middle of a huge parking lot, and at Braden's suggestion, we have a prayer. He says it. We walk out to the main road and flag down Disney security and explain that it appears our car was stolen. The security person asks us when we arrived that morning and says we should be in a different lot and then proceeds to drive right to our car. I have never felt quite so stupid. Except...

Have you ever been so convinced about something that when you were wrong, you can't even conceive how that is possible? That is how Shannon and I felt. To this day, I remember parking on the north side of the monorail track. So does Shannon. We walked past the body of water separating the two parking lots. I swear we did. I remember the conversation we had when we did. I believe they somehow moved our car on us, because I honestly can not remember parking where that car ended up. It was crazy.

10:20 p.m. - Finally get everyone down. Unfortunately, we still need to do laundry or no one will have anything to wear the next day. Crap! Looks like another short night.

11:45 p.m. - Reflecting on the day. In spite of throwing up, lost cars, nausea, and a women's bathroom with only two stalls, it was an awesome, awesome day. Truly one that I will remember forever.

Orlando Trip Day 1: I Don't Want To Go

2010-11-17T11:53:00.000-08:00

For months, Shannon and I had been planning a huge surprise trip to Orlando for our kids. We had asked them this last summer if they could go anywhere in the country, where would it be. Logan said Disneyland. Abby said Harry Potter's Wizarding World and Braden wasn't sure, but wanted to go somewhere associated with Space. Disney World is pretty similar to Disneyland and is in Orlando, Harry Potter is in Orlando and the Kennedy Space Center is 45 minutes from Orlando. So we quietly booked a trip to Orlando for the Week of Nov. 7-14 and didn't tell them. In fact, we hardly told anyone. But the day of the trip finally arrived and we had a good reason to be in Mesa as Shannon had run her triathlon the day before. Our kids still had no idea what was happening. So the morning of Nov. 7th arrived and it went something like this:

5:30 a.m. - Hawaii 5-0 starts playing on my cell phone. I don't have a good reason as to why that is my ring and alarm tone, but I just think it is a cool song. Not as cool at 5:30, but what are you going to do. We get showered, dressed, packed and loaded in the car.

6:40 a.m. - It is really nice that kids are not at all perceptive. First we loaded three suitcases into the truck that hadn't been used at all that weekend. Secondly, we took Lamar with us in the truck to go "pick up Uncle Larry" wink, wink. Actually Abby did ask why Lamar was going and we said he needed to help Larry get his rental car. Pretty weak cover story, but for an 11, 8 and 5 year old who have nothing on the radar, no questions were asked.

7:12 a.m. - Arrive at the airport and line up the kids to tell them the truth. It went like this...

Not exactly the response we were expecting. My dreams of being featured in a Disney marketing spot were dashed as I repeatedly listened to Braden's, "I don't want to go" response.

7:32 a.m. - Get our one larger bag checked in. That leaves three carry ons and two parents. Quickly realizing we should have had a crash course on using the handles and wheels on small suitcases with the children.

7:41 a.m. - Begin what can only be described as the torture that is airport security with three children. Forgot to mention to Shannon that you can't have clear liquids in your carry ons. Say goodbye to our Shampoo, my aftershave and many other needful things that we now have none of. Cost of items thrown away at airport: $22. Seeing the fury in my wife's eyes at a bureaucratic system we can do nothing about: Priceless. We are off to a GREAT start.

9:05 a.m. - We are loaded on the plane and we begin to take off. Both Braden and Abby are a little freaked out. Logan? Loving every minute of this. As the plane begins to pick up speed on the take off, he can't contain his energy any further and begins clapping wildly.

9:10 a.m. - Braden realizes he isn't going to die and loosens up. Realizes there is a stranger sitting next to him and feels he must rectify this situation immediately. He meets Kathy and they begin a conversation that Braden somewhat dominates. Kathy now knows more about our family than any perfect stranger should. As it turns out, Kathy is a fascinating woman who has worked with the military her whole life. She has traveled the world and had a lot of interesting stories for Braden.

9:15 a.m. - Scariest flight attendant in the world alert. One of our flight attendants had luxurious black hair that had to be at least 3 1/2 feet long. Jet black. It wasn't until she walked directly by our seat that I noticed she also had to be at least 60 years old. I would guess older. Definitely not her real hair color. I am suspicious as to whether it is her real hair period. She wore all black. Bottom line, she freaked me out. It was kind of like Morticia Addams had gotten older and decided to go out and get a job during her retirement years. As one who has had to accept the aging process at quite a young age, I don't relate well to those who completely deny its existence at all. This really has nothing to do with anything, but even a week plus later, I still shudder when I think about her.

10:38 a.m. - Shannon, my brilliant wife, pulls out travel Yahtzee to help the time go faster. Or maybe it was to save Kathy. Yeah that actually makes more sense. Braden creams her while keeping up his dialogue about time zones.

11:00 a.m./12:00 p.m. - Braden is fascinated by time zones and is desparate to know what time it is where we currently are in the flight. At around this time, we see the Mississippi River out the window.

12:23 p.m. - Logan is excited that he has now peed in the sky.

12:52 p.m. - Braden is tired so he...lays on Kathy. The woman is a saint.

1:12 p.m. - Land in TN. As we are walking to the gate for our connecting flight, Braden begins speaking in a southern accent. As his accent wasn't exactly coming off as entirely realistic, we cautioned him that he might be offending people by mocking their accent. He explained he wasn't mocking them, he was simply living in TN at the moment and speaking as someone who lives there normally would. Definitely new logic I hadn't heard before, but in its own way, somewhat solid. I guess. We still told him to not talk so loud.

2:00 p.m. - We are definitely on a flight to Orlando. Kids are swarming around us like crazy. Feel a definite urge to reach out and trip two little boys who are running circles around the chair that include us and our luggage. I manage to refrain. Or maybe Shannon refrained me, I can't remember.

2:30 p.m. - Get loaded on our new plane and we are off to Orlando. Woo HOOOOO!

5:09 p.m. - Land, get luggage, get rental car and we are on our way to our hotel. Or not. We aren't really sure. The roads here are SOOO confusing and extremely not well lighted. We pray we are going in the right direction.

6:01 p.m. - Good news, we are headed in the right direction. Bad news, that means we get to pay our first of two tolls on the way to Disney World. Kids cannot grasp the concept of having to pay to drive on a road. I have a hard time helping them understand that concept, because I think it is pretty stupid. You are about to make a bazillion dollars off of us in sales tax on over priced items and you feel the need to stick it to us on the roads before we even get there? I guess this is what you get in a state with no income tax.

6:20 p.m. - The badly lighted roads get us again. We think we know that we just passed the road to our hotel, but we can't be sure because we couldn't see any signs. Also, Florida is not big on exits or turn around spots on their divided highways. We know we are not supposed to make it to Disney World...and yet...Here We Are! This does not improve our situation. There still is no place to turn around and no signs directing us as to how we get out of Disney World in the direction from whence we came.

6:30 p.m. - We end up pulling into the Epcot parking lot and getting directions from the parking fee people. Look Kids, there's Epcot!

6:41 p.m. - Yep, that road we thought we should have taken was the road we should have taken. Finally reach hotel.

6:56 p.m. - Finally get to room and it was worth the wait. Each room featured below is a separate room. There may not have been a lot of things I did right this trip, but this was one of them.

7:03 p.m. - While inspecting the room, Abby and Shannon go out on the balcony through the entrance in the master bedroom. I am dealing with something at the kitchen counter when I hear a massive crash. I whirl around to see that Abby has walked directly into the glass door leading into the living room from the balcony. As she described it, she had never seen a cleaner door. Not anymore as a massive forehead mark is located about 5 feet up on the glass.

7:05 p.m. - They made our towels into swans and placed them on our bed. Abby is in love.

8:00 p.m. - After getting Subway in a very dodgy looking strip mall right next to a Hookah Bar (still not sure what that is), I make it back and we all gather in the living room and watch The Amazing Race. We all feel a little like Amazing Racers ourselves today.

9:18 p.m. - It is getting a little cold in the condo so we turn on the heater. We must have been the first to do this (Stupid Arizona tourists, its Florida. It's not that cold.) because the heater burns off the dust and sets off the fire alarms. Braden, who hates fire alarms with a passion informs us we will have to do without a heater for the duration of the trip. When we refuse to turn it off, he refuses to take his fingers away from his ears even once he is in bed.

9:30 p.m. - Get kids to bed and get ready to go down ourselves. After a full day of travel we are all plenty tired.

11:00 p.m. - Shannon and I finally get to bed and are soon asleep with visions of fun in the coming days running through our brains.

12:00 a.m. - The alarm clock goes off for no reason. *@$&#@%!!!! What the heck? Add this to the getting lost, having to throw all of our stuff at the airport and fire alarm issue from earlier and a bad vibe begins to settle into the back of my brain. I hope this isn't an omen.

Shannon's Trip To The Big House (Casa Grande)

2010-11-14T20:23:00.000-08:00

Just like millions of other people in the world, our family sets out goals for the new year in January. Mostly these are family goals, but we also try to set some individual goals as well. We generally do...ok on the family goals. The individual goals? Well, we have a wide range of successes and failures and everything in between. For instance, if my personal goal for the year was to hug my kids everyday and tell them that I love them, I have done very well with this goal. Every other personal goal I have ever set has fallen somewhere behind this level of success.

I bring this up because for 2010, one of Shannon's top priorities was to get in better shape. Now you may be surprised to learn that this one crops up quite often on our yearly to do lists. But this year, Shannon went about it in a more determined way. She shared her goal with some of her friends, one of which is named Anna Marks. Anna convinced Shannon to train with her for a triathlon in Casa Grande to be held in November. Shannon's first reaction was, yeah right, I don't do triathlons, I just want to get in better shape. But Anna was persistent and said, "We can do this. I have a program that is designed to help get people up to running a 5k in a matter of weeks and we can train for the other things as well. If I don't have someone to do it with, I probably will quit. So do it with me and we will keep each other going." (I paraphrase here to help clarify the point of the conversations. I have witnessed a conversation or two between these two and there is no way the conversation was that short. But you get the idea.)

So Shannon began. She would get up early every morning and run. At first she did it alone with many a plea to me to make sure she got up and did it and not let her sleep. In general, I was helpful. In specific, there was no way in he...heck I was going to get up and run with her, but I was very helpful in bothering her enough to get out bed. However, she took it from there.

Before long, she found a friend, Misty Conrad, who soon became her regular running partner. They trained and eventually were able to complete 3 miles regularly. Swimming was not really an issue as that is her favorite part. Bicycling...well, she was kind of on her own with that one, but she did it. (By the way, when she told me that she had made it all the way up 1st Ave. in Thatcher by herself without stopping, I had to try it myself to see how bad it really is. It's bad. Ten more feet and the local police force would have been finding remains of my coyote ravaged carcase on the side of the road days later.)

So the day of the race arrives. Ok actually the night before, but it isn't really that dramatic to say, the early afternoon on the day before the race arrives. Anyway, we pack up and we leave town. We drop off Kate with our parents (for other purposes which will be discussed in soon to follow blog postings) and the five of us head off. The vehicle's eventual destination is Mesa where we will be staying with Danae and Lamar. However, Anna lives near Tucson and Shannon was staying the night with her and travelling to the race with her so we went to Mesa via Tucson. This actually led to a long conversation with our kids about the meaning of the word via. Long story short, going to Mesa from Thatcher via Tucson makes for a looong drive.

We stopped off for a pasta dinner that was quite good and then we dropped off Shannon. Now we left Thatcher at 4:00. By the time we had the pasta dinner, dropped off Shannon, made it through the two wrecks on I-10 before we could even get to Tucson and then made it to Mesa, it was 10:00 p.m. The fact that to keep the peace with Abby I had to listen to Radio Disney for a good portion of the trip did not somehow make the time go faster.

The next morning, our little family made its way to cheer on our favorite soon to be triathlete. We started down the road to Central Community College and who do we see bicycling down the road? Our MOM!!!! Yeah!!!! So we got to the campus and set up waiting for the opportunity to take this picture.

We then got to see her take off running (walking, but very quickly) and began the wait for her to cross the finish line. About 40 minutes later, we got to cheer her home and Shannon was able to call herself a triathlete, and she even has the medal to prove it.

We are so proud of her and all she did make this goal a reality this year. We appreciate all those who helped her get there including Anna, Misty, Stephanie DeSpain and I am sure many others. It was a really neat day and now she is excited to take on the next one.

Meanwhile, the finish of the triathlon was just the beginning of our adventures. Check back in a day or two to see what happens next.

The Accidental TOURist

2010-11-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

Does anyone remember that old Saturday Night Live sketch with Kevin Nealon called Mr. Subliminal? It was an awesome sketch. For those who don't know, Mr. Subliminal would be holding a conversation and slip in subliminal thoughts throughout. I will demonstrate as I describe for you my thoughts on this last Saturday's Tour de Safford and Gila Valley Health Raisers' Event.

It was a (long) really awesome (long) event that provided a (long) unique opportunity to (long) see some amazing athletes (long) compete in a (long) unique event we don't see in the Gila Valley very (long) often.

Now granted, the above sentence is not my most effective use of the English language, but hopefully you got the idea.

I can't begin to tell you how early 4 o'clock in the morning is. It is like finding yourself in a ski lift chair in the dead of winter in a bikini. People do it, but it is so wrong that most sensible people never experience it. Unfortunately, I now know what it is like to be wearing a bikini in the dead of winter...wait, that analogy didn't quite work. Let me try that again. I am now aware of what it feels like to be awake and attempting normal human functions at 4 a.m. To be fair, I have been there before. In fact, in college, I was there a couple times on the other side of going to bed, but those are totally different stories. From my rambling, you can see that I have still not recovered the sleep that was lost from this last weekend. I can't even form coherent thoughts. So let me start from the beginning and try again.

A year ago, the hospital foundation had its first annual Gila Valley Health Raisers' Event which included among other things, a 1/2 marathon and 30 mile bicycle ride. It was a marginal success, but one of the riders was from Mesa and happened to handle some of our insurance needs at the hospital. He approached the foundation and expressed his interest in enlarging the bicycle portion to be more in line with bicycle rides held in Tucson and Mesa. The foundation listened and out of that process, the Tour de Safford was born.

The Tour de Safford consists of a 33 mile bicycle ride that goes for 15 miles down the Airport road and Safford Bryce/Bryce Eden road and then they turn around and come back. I myself am not aware of a personal need to bike 30+ miles, but if others are willing and wanting to do that, I say more power to them.

It also consists of a 66 mile bicycle ride that winds through Solomon and then out to highway 70 by way of Daley Estates and then back through Thatcher and Pima, all the way to Bryce Eden Road and then back in...oh wait, you have to double back over the bridge in Safford and go back out to Daley Estate, down Reay Lane to Bryce Eden Road and then back to the Airport. Other than farmers and ranchers who feel some obsessive need after a rain storm to drive the length of the valley and see how rain fell in every part of the county, I don't know anyone who covers that much of Graham County in their car on a single day, let alone on a bicycle. It is kind of insane. If I go over 66 miles on a regular day in my truck, I am complaining about the cost in gas that I have just incurred. But, oh well.

Finally, the big event is the 104 mile ride. That is right...one hundred and four miles. Some of us could reach the Mexican border if we drove 104 miles. The route is from the Safford Airport, down through Safford, up to Discovery Park Road, across 191 to the old Solomon road and out to Highway 70 then to the 191 south up to 3-Way, then down to Duncan and then back up the 70 to the Safford Airport. Oh and by the way, after you have ridden 100+ miles, you get to make the climb up that hill from Sanchez Road. All I can say is...I will never do that. I just won't. It won't be out of protest or anger or any other reason. I just can't think of anything that would motivate me to the point of wanting to sit on a seat that becomes more and more of a torture device with each passing mile for that amount of time and distance. I think it is crazy. The only thing crazier, is some of the people we met who signed up for this. There were a couple of ladies from Colorado who fly around the country doing century rides (more than 100 miles) every month. Incidentally, they both wrecked less than 25 miles in and were unable to finish the ride. My guess is that the Tour de Safford has been removed from their 2011 calendar.

Anyway, my involvement included helping with registration the night before until 9:30 and then being at the airport at 5:00 a.m. to get the starting line up and functional before heading out to direct traffic. At 7:00 a.m. when the 200 riders who made up the 104 mile ride took off, all joking aside, it was awesome. Only three people in that group were locals and so we had a ton of people coming to our valley for the first time and were getting to experience an October morning in the Gila valley (those kind of mornings which exemplify why we live here). It was hair on the back of the neck standing up kind of cool. Unfortunately, less than a quarter of a mile into the race, one of the first riders hit a cattle guard incorrectly and was thrown face first into the ground. One of the riders right behind him later described it as if the hand of the devil reached up out of the ground and flung him off his bike while his bike remained standing motionless. What was I saying about a great first impression for all the visitors to our valley? By the way, when I say face first, I mean face first and his day was over before it began. He spent the entire ride in our Emergency Room at the hospital. Overall, we ended up with 4 people in the ED from this ride. Those of us who were new to this were horrified. The cyclists themselves? Just another day at the office for them. They said it happens all the time at every ride. That's exciting and perverse all at the same time. The winning riders made it back in just under 4 hours and 40 minutes. Holy Crap! Speeding along in my truck with my Ipod blaring I can barely make that drive in 2 and a half hours. That is sick.

About 9 a.m., I realized that in my early morning stupor (and I mean stupor, I tripped on my way to the shower no less than 5 times because I couldn't get my eyes open) that I had forgotten sun screen...and a hat...and something to drink. I then checked to make sure I was dressed. So I called my wonderful wife Shannon who dropped everything and drove out to provide me with all of the above including my request, which was Dr. Pepper, and my necessary for living need, water. We kissed, she left, and I was alone on a road directing traffic once again.

Also as part of this event, we had the 1/2 marathon again. This event was neat only because a lady from our ward won the female side of this event and came in second overall, just 2 minutes behind the winning male. Major Congrats Kerry, Kerrie, Kerri...(shrug of the shoulders) Good job Sister Scarbrough.

About 10:30, I gave up my road standing job and went into the event to take some pictures. Before long, we realized we were not totally prepared for the taking care of returning riders, so I jumped in and spent the next 4 hours slicing oranges and bananas, keeping water ice cold and handing these items out to riders while visiting with them about the event. Not a bad job really. Had one rider come up and say casually, "Do you have a lot of LDS folks here?" I responded that we did. He said, "I thought so, a lot of the aid station workers looked LDS." I said that we had used many of the scout troops from the local LDS wards. He looked at me and said, "You look LDS." I took it as a compliment although how he could see that through the sweat, dirt and sun burn, I am not totally sure. We had a good little chat.

The 66 and the 33 mile rides went well and everyone from those rides were back by 3 p.m. which is when we were hoping to wrap things up. Unfortunately, we still had about 15 riders out on the 104 course. So while most everyone else went home, myself and handful of others waited for the remaining riders. And we waited...still waiting...waiting a little longer. Finally at 4 p.m., myself and another individual took off in my truck to go find out just who we had left and where they were. As it turned out, we had four riders within fifteen minutes of the end. Unfortunately, we also had one more rider about an hour away. He was a 67 year old man who had never done one of these before and he was not going to quit. To which I say, awesome. Go get 'em dude. However, he is now added to the list of people who are very effective at making me feel like a complete waste of space on this planet.

About 5 p.m., he made it to the finish line and all five of us that were left clapped really loud for the guy. It was pretty cool. He was shaking quite a bit so I had to open his water bottle for him. But I offered him a banana or an orange, both of which he declined. I asked if there was anything else I could get him. He replied that all he wanted was junk food and beer. Why didn't we think of that for the finish line. Dang it. Well, there is always next year. Anyway, by the time I had loaded and then unloaded it was almost 6 p.m. and I still had to get over to the ward trunk or treat with my family. Is there any way I could get out of going without feeling guilt? I couldn't think of one either. It was an exhilirating day. However, I definitely do not want to do this more than once a year. Thirteen straight hours after about 5 hours sleep is not an occurance I think I could handle much more than that.

Over all it was a pretty neat day and we are very excited for next year. The woman in charge of the Tour de Tucson let us know that the first time they held that event, they only had 198 riders. The following year, they had 621. We are definitely looking forward to next year.

Now in an unrelated matter, check back in a couple of weeks for an exciting series of posts that we are holding off on announcing for a surprise effect. It is not that we are trying to surprise anyone reading this blog, it is that we are hoping to surprise our kids. We will see if it works.

Offensive On So Many Levels And The Top 10 Things I Can Never Partake Of Again

2010-10-15T16:07:00.000-07:00

I am not sure how this happened, but somehow our ward youth have developed a tradition that I am not sure I am totally down with. For the last three years, we have had a Clue dinner for one of our combined activities. The first year was no big deal because no one knew what to expect. So everyone was given parts and mine was to be the inspector who helped the thing keep moving. Well, since it was everyone's first time, there were points where it wasn't moving very well so I started using a ridiculous French accent (after all, my character's name was Inspector Clue So) and basically started making an idiot of myself. Well I don't know about other people's fake french accents, but mine hurts my voice after a little bit (this may be due to the excessive use of the dirty old man french laugh that accompanies my accent. You know the one I am talking about. The one where the laugh implies that I know what you were doing and you know what you were doing but it wouldn't be very appropriate to talk about in public so I just laugh in this obnoxious way so that everyone knows what you were doing without having to say it out loud...That's right, THAT laugh.) so I eventually started doing other accents that weren't so throat unfriendly. I got a couple of laughs and everyone seemed to have a good time.

Fast forward to the Young Mens/Young Womens planning meeting for the next year and the Clue Dinner is on the agenda again. It was the month after the Where's Waldo activity (see previous post from last year for more info) and it was beginning to feel like the youth advisors should start their own dinner theatre. However, as the time for part distribution came, I found myself a little excited. Kind of like Kramer in the Seinfeld where he does acting for the local medical students. I was excited to see what character I would taking on and to have an opportunity to expand my acting wings. So I get my assignment and it says...Inspect Clue So. WHAT? I seriously thought of pulling a Kramer and coming as one of the other characters, but in this instance that would not have worked out so well. Fortunately the night went off well (especially due to the portrayal of the Miss Scarlett character by Julie Palmer. It will be years before the ward forgets about that). But I did much the same thing with the different accents and pretty much felt like I was as funny as an episode of The Suite Life On Deck. (If you have not been subjected to this atrocity on the Disney Channel, consider yourself truly blessed.)

So now this year rolls around and we are scheduled for another Clue dinner. As it works out, it looks like I will be out of town and so I let Tommy, the YM president, know that they will have to get someone else for the inspector. He lets me know that they will just move the activity to a time when I can be there. Now I swear I am not writing this to pump myself up. I really do think I am about as cheesy as it gets, but I am happy to serve. However, I feel for the kids who have now seen my Inspector Clue So routine two years in a row. So I decide to change it up and come as Inspector Wow Ifat, a Chinese detective on vacation in rural Arizona. That's plausible right? Ok, at least as plausible as a French detective in rural Arizona.

So the night of the event comes and it is time to get the costume on. It ain't much, but I thought it wasn't too bad. I went with Chinese tourist vacation wear. The main thing would be to fully shave my head and get the right facial hair. So I went to Wal Mart and bought a black wig. Brought it home and hoped for the best with the glue options we would have.

I started getting ready. I gave myself plenty of time (40 minutes). Note to anyone out there looking at doing something similar. Elmer's Glue?...not really. Wouldn't stay attached. Unfortunately, it took roughly 20 minutes to figure that out. So, we move to Caro syrup. I mean it works on hair accessories for bald babies, surely it would work here. Not so much. Now my face, hands and fake hair are a sticky mess from the Elmer's and the Caro Syrup and I still have no facial hair. Which by the way, without the facial hair, I pretty much am a large white man in ridiculous clothes, trying to look like I am on vacation. Or in other words, I look like roughly 75 percent of the male population in Tampa. Also, it took another 10 minutes to figure out that the Caro syrup wouldn't work. Now I am really starting to panic. I run to the kitchen and grab the super glue I bought for Braden's model car and rush back to the bathroom. I hand it to Shannon and ask her to get it open while I fashion three more strands of hair since the others are thrashed.

Clearly at this point, I am beyond sanity. So when Shannon starts to read the warnings on the label, the conversation doesn't go well.

"It says not to have any contact with skin. It could cause a rash or major irritation."

"Could is the key word there. Do have any other options?"

"No, but I am not sure this is a great idea."

"Please just get it open, I am running out of time." (I may have not said please, that part is fuzzy)

"It says to wash immediately if any comes in contact with your skin and (I can't remember the sure form of death that was promised) if you get it in your eyes, nose or mouth."

"Yeah?"

"Um, this is going right under your nose and all around your mouth."

"STOP READING and just hand it to me."

"Are you sure?"

"YES!!!"

She reluctantly handed it over and I went for it. Fortunately I can report that it held and other than some watering of the eyes and a burning nose for a short time due to the fumes, it went fairly well. The final product looked like this...

The evening was fun and hopefully everyone had a good time. I spoke in a 1920s Hollywood Chinese accent all night and was far from hilarious, but I think the outfit at least made people chuckle. I am sure the whole routine would fall under the heading of politically incorrect. Thank heavens it is Thatcher and not Berkeley.

One of the other things I did to try and change it up from years past was to include movie quotes that if identified correctly would give a team a clue prior to the start of the game. I didn't want them to be too easy so I thought I would try and do 80's movies. Did anyone else realize just how inappropriate most of the iconic movies of the 80s really are? As I started going through my list of favorite quotes from high school, I was like, "Nope, can't use that one. What about from Fletch, there are some funny ones there...no can't use that one. Ben Dover? No, probably not. Wait, wait, isn't there a good one from...Nooo I probably shouldn't use anything that would imply I recommend that movie either." It was very discouraging.

Right or wrong, it got me thinking about the things from my youth that I loved at the time but now can not have anything to do with as a respectable, God-fearing adult with children. So I decided to list my Top Ten Favorite Entertainment Offerings I Can Never Enjoy Again. See if any of these are familiar to you. Here they are:

10. Friday The 13th: The Series - Now this does not have anything to do with Jason or a hockey mask. This was a little known syndicated series from the late 80s that had bad acting (I am pretty sure I have never seen any of the actors from that show in anything else...ever!), low budget (if any) and a pretty interesting concept. The devil had made a deal with an antique dealer to sell cursed objects. I am pretty hazy how the deal ended, but bottom line, antique dealer died and his niece and nephew (who are good) are tasked with tracking down the cursed items and getting them back before they can cause any further harm.

I came across this show one Friday night when I was in high school and somehow ended up home alone. The object was a cursed Amish quilt that would make the dreams of the person sleeping under it come true. All well and good except that someone had to die every time it was used. I watched in morbid fascination (a mixture of this is really badly produced and a curiosity of where the story was going) until I got to the end and it was continued...AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!! So I tuned in the next week and ended up getting addicted to this mess for about six months. Looking back, it was a complete waste of a good hour each week and from a parents point of view, demonic possession of items, horror type scenarios...yeah I would never let my kids watch this. Which is why I was probably pretty vague with my mom about this show. The funny thing about this is, even if I were tempted to try and watch it again, I know for a fact it is not available. The DVD it would be burned on would probably cost more than this show did to produce.

9. Centerfold, J. Giels Band - Ok, before everyone starts thinking terrible things about me, I need to explain this one. This song came out prior to my musical prime. I was pretty young and never really heard the song in its entirety while it was on the charts. But who didn't know the tune? Everybody knew the tune. So when I got into high school, we played it in our pep band. I never really had a lot of good band experiences, but I loved pep band. I love the sound of a band in a sports setting playing songs you can dance to and this one was one of the best. I mean, that iconic tune is awesome. So it wasn't until college that I finally heard the words to this song. Wow, not good. Needless to say it has been off the acceptable list for a while. But if you are being fair, you have to admit that the music without the words would be an awesome addition to your ipod.

8. Crimson Tide - One of my all time favorite movies is The Hunt For Red October. So when I was working at the theatre after high school and this movie trailer came, I was giddy with excitement. However, it hadn't been rated yet. I had a nagging feeling it would be R, but I prayed...ok not really prayed but darn close, that it would be PG 13. When it finally was announced that it was R rated, I screamed in agony. I was dating Shannon at the time and she can attest that I actually did scream. To be honest, I never saw the original version. I only saw the television version and loved it. But obviously I can't see that any time I want nor can I purchase the movie and so Gene and Denzell have drifted off to a place I can no longer go.

7. Most Prince Songs - When I was in junior high or early high school, I liked several Prince songs and some are just fine. However, as an adult, I have realized what he was saying in many of his songs and they are in fact...NOT fine. I got my first inkling about the appropriateness of Prince when I was a freshman. For those in the Gila Valley, remember when you could go to Richard's Music and purchase any 45 record from the Billboard top 100? My brother was way into that and so I would get one every once in a while as well. One time, I had just heard a new Prince song called, "You Got The Look". It was pretty cool. So our next time at Richard's, I bought it. The 45 case had the words to the song written on it. Being ever so naive, I started to read them out loud in the back seat of the car as we were headed to our next errand. We arrived before I finished and my mom went into wherever she was going. My brother turned around from the front seat and said, "You better not read all those out loud or mom will make you take it back." Hmm. I really liked the song so I didn't say anymore but I always took Prince songs with a grain of salt after that. Even today, I will hear a song by Prince in passing and I am pretty sure there is some meaning that I am not getting and it is probably for the best. However, I still love the song Kiss by Prince and he did write one of the songs that would be included in the Honorable Mention secion of my list of Favorite Songs Of All Time, Nothing Compares To You. However, most songs from the Artist Formerly Known As A Symbol have to go on the songs formerly listened to by Ryan Rapier list. (I would probably still listen to Raspberry Beret as well, but Shannon despises that song and I don't like it enough to pick a fight with her over it.)

6. Summer School (and most other 80s teen movies) - The truth is, most of these movies got a PG 13 rating, but the innuendo from 80s movies just astounds me today. How did I not see this at the time? Or maybe I did, but didn't fully understand or have just forgotten. No the truth is I didn't forget. I remember that Summer School was hilarious, but I watched it at a friends house and remember thinking, "Make sure not to watch this one with the parents." However, I still get a chuckle thinking about the very large black guy that takes the bathroom pass 10 minutes into the first day and then doesn't show up again until the final exam...but he does bring the bathroom pass back with him. Don't know why I think that is so funny, but I do.

5. European Vacation - This movie could fit in with the movies in the previous slot, but gets its own mention for a couple of reasons. One, it wasn't really a teen movie and two I laughed a lot more during this movie than most teen movies. Now again, my initial exposure to the movie was an edited version that my friend Jared brought home with him from summer vacation in Utah. Let me clarify, it edited out the nudity. That's about it, because if they had edited out all the inappropriate innuendo, they likely would have ended up with a half hour sitcom. But it has its share of movie quotes that I think of all the time.

"Look Kids, Big Ben, Parliament...Dang it, I can't get left...Look Kids, Big Ben, Parliament...AAAHHH, I can't get left on this roudabout...Look Kids,"

"We know, Big Ben, Parliament."

or

As they pull into Germany in their rental car. Clark leans out the window and says with a catch in his voice, "Ahh my mother's land."

"Isn't Grandma from Chicago."

Still in his emotional voice, "Shut up Russ."

or my favorite movie moment

When Rusty tells Clark while they are on the Eiffel Tower that he hates the berets he bought the whole family with their names on them. So Clark throws it off the tower and the dog in the lady's arms next to them jumps after it to "fetch" it. If you watch close, the dog does catch it half way down.

4. Die Hard - The original with Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman was just about the best action movie ever. Alas, it contained about 50 F words among other colorful language and violence. You know this movie has to be left behind when the catch phrase for the hero contains the F word in it. In some ways this movie helps me now to be better with my movie selections. Most action movies do not measure up to this one or even come close. So if I can't watch this one, I don't have that much desire to watch any others that pale in comparison.

3. Baby Got Back - Don't lie. If you went to high school or college in the early 90s and you heard those two stuck up valley girls start talking, you practically ran to get your spot on the dance floor so you could shake your thang. This was one of the best dance songs ever! But I declare that I did not clearly listen to the words closely. Because when we first moved back to Thatcher five years ago, I convinced Shannon to let me get Satellite Radio. Not long after that, this song came on one of the stations and I was literally shocked at the words. It was one of the few times that my mouth literally fell open subconsciously. Needless to say, this song is not on my ipod or allowed anywhere in my house. (This reminds me of the time that I heard Christina Aguillera's Candy Man on a TV commercial. I love Big Band music and so I downloaded it. Needless to say, the TV commercial left out some parts I should have heard before I downloaded it. To think I had originally got it because I thought it would be a cute song for a wedding video. Yeahhhh, not so much.)

2. Planes, Trains and Automobiles - I went back and forth on the the top two because all the others I don't miss at all. But these two movies really are funny and right or wrong, I miss them. This movie has the only scene that made me quite literally cry with laughter for about 10 minutes. It is when Steve Martin has been "helped" up outside the rental car area of the airport and then he and John Candy are in the car right after that while Steve Martin's character is still feeling the effects of the "help". The voice he makes just absolutely kills me. Quite a few of you will have never seen what I am talking about and when they show it on TV, they generally cut so much to get in commercials that they ruin this scene. But you will just have to take my word on it. What makes me the most angry is that this movie would be rated PG 13 if it weren't for one scene where Steve Martin drops the F bomb about 15 times. Unnecessary scene that could have been left out. Oh well. Favorite quotes:

"Del, where is your other hand?"

"Between two pillows."

"THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!!!!"

or

"You are like a Chatty Cathy doll that pulls her own string. YAHH, YAHH, YAHHHH"

or

"You are going the wrong way!"

"They are drunk, how would they know where we are going."

or

"Sorry about the beer that spilled all over your side of the bed. Who knew a vibrating bed would do that to a six pack?"

1. Major League - I am sorry, I know this is an admission of my failure as human being but this movie is one of my favorites. And the sad part is, this movie is not as funny without the swearing. It would be like Gus saying "Heck No" on Psych. It just doesn't work. And some of the best jokes, while not sexually motivated, just aren't appropriate like the manager's reaction when Corbin Bersen points out the clause in his contract that says he doesn't have to do anything non-baseball related. I can see them all in my head right now. Willie Mays Hayes sliding into second base and coming up two feet short; the exchanges between the catcher and the hitters; Charlie Sheen saying he feels like a banker when they go to a fancy restaurant and he is sitting there in a shirt, tie and jacket that have had the sleeves ripped off. So many funny lines. The best though is Bob Eucker. His announcing the games is off the charts. When Charlie Sheen throws four feet behind a batter, "JUUUUUUST A Bit Outside." I suppose my draw to this movie is like on Frasier when Bebe talks about how wonderful smoking is. She describes the whole thing in great detail to the point that even those who have never smoked are now intrigued. I won't watch this movie again. But I really want to. Oh well.

This post is already 5 times too long, but today is my wonderful wife's birthday. She used to love birthdays, now she wishes we would forget they exist. I won't say how old she is, but I will say, Happy Birthday Shannon. I love you very much and there is no other person two years younger than me that I would want more. And I am 37. (PS: There is no one of any other age that I would want more either. Just clarifying.) (PSS: I finished this post on October 19, which is Shannon's b-day, not October 15, which is the date that it shows this was posted.)

The Good, The Proud and The Ugly

2010-10-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

First off, even though it was a couple of weeks ago, I recently went on a four day trip to Chicago. Alas, it was not for fun and it was a solo trip. Although Shannon's good friend Anna (the only other person I know who would definitely have experience in this matter) might disagree, shopping up and down Michigan Avenue just isn't a lot of fun by yourself. (The one exception to this is the Nike store. Holy Cow that place is awesome.) I did eat pretty well and the weather was absolutely wonderful (78 degrees when I left and 102 in Phoenix when I landed), but all in all, I didn't get out of the hotel very much. The exception being one night when I went to a client dinner with the publishers of our hospital quarterly mailer. I got to meet Ashley, my associate publisher whom I have worked with for over a year but never met and found out that she googles her clients and has actually read this blog. So a shout out to Ashley if she is reading this. Also, I was seated next to a couple from Texas. They were very friendly and during the course of our conversation I discovered that he is a golfing buddy of George W. Bush. I mean, love him or hate him, how cool would it be to be a golfing buddy of a former president. Especially that one who always had his claim to fame being that he was a president who people felt was like a regular guy. Very nice evening. The other night consisted of a lot of ESPN watching. On the last day, just before returning to the airport, I took the time to run out and get a picture of Lake Michigan for Braden who wanted to see what it looked like and then I ventured over to get a picture of Wrigley Field. So below are pictures of the view from right outside my hotel and then Lake Michigan and Wrigley.

The craziest thing to me was that Wrigley is literally right in the middle of a neighborhood. The picture of Harry Carrey's Tavern and the shot of the stadium from the 7-11 parking lot are taken from the exact same place just rotating my body. And yes, those are houses right next to the tavern. And I complain about the traffic I deal with in front of my house on 1st Avenue in Thatcher. Can you imagine game day in Chicago? Yuck! The front shot of Wrigley is taken from a McDonald's parking lot right across the street. Not a fancy McDonald's, just a regular Mickey D's. With my only experience with professional sports stadiums being Bank One...excuse me Chase Field, US Airways Center and ASU stadium, Wrigley Field was downright surreal to me. Anyway, pretty cool to see the sign that once read, "SAVE FERRIS".

CHANGING GEARS

Whenever I come home from the Priesthood session of conference, Shannon always asks me how it was and I always reply that it was awesome or amazing or some other superlative of that nature. (I have never written the word superlative in a sentence before. Feeling pretty proud of myself at the moment. I hope I have the definition right.) I answer this way because it always is. So when she asked me this last saturday evening, I needed some other answer because the same ol same ol would not have sufficed. So I responded, "Life changing." Looking back, maybe that wasn't the right response, because they should all be life changing, but the perspective I gained was certainly life altering in that I will feel ashamed to revert to thinking similarly to the way I may have thought before that meeting.

I refer specifically to two different talks that were given. The first was by Elder Juan Uceda and the second was by President Uchtdorf. Elder Uceda's talk was piercing and all too familiar in its descriptions of an event that mirrored some that have occured in my own home. He spoke of a father wanting to enforce a righteous principal of scripture reading with his family. When his daughter resisted, he raised his voice in righteous indignation declaring, "In my home, we will always read the scriptures." His daughter ran from the room. In the end, the humbled father went to his daughter's room and found her crying. Due to a prompting of the Spirit, he apologized. He simply said, "I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt you." He didn't try to expound on how he was actually right or explain why his actions were justified in trying to teach a righteous principal, he simply apologized. And then the Spirit returned.

I had lost my temper with Logan a few days previous and in my attempt to enforce good rules, I gave him a flick to the forehead. He cried. It wasn't the crying that stuck in my mind. It was that I don't do that often to my kids and in this situation, I was in the wrong. The vision I carried for the next several days was the look of betrayal and confusion on his face that immediately followed my actions. It was as if he was saying to me, "Dad, I thought we were buddies. Why would you do that to me?" After hearing this talk, I knew I needed to find the right time to follow Elder Uceda's counsel.

So last night for Family Home Evening, I taught the lesson and I told them the story from the talk. We talked about it for a little bit and I explained the definition of the natural man. Then, I pointed out a time to each child and my wife when I was wrong. When I had not been an effective father or husband. And I said, I'm sorry. Logan teared up and hugged me tightly. Braden began to cry and hugged even longer. Abby...well, she is 11 and very cool so she gave me the double head bob, but her small grin implied that she accepted my apology. One of the best moments I have ever had as a father occured that night. And it wasn't because of any amazing thing that I had done. It was because I followed Elder Uceda's counsel and took a heaping serving of humble pie.

It has caused me to look at President Uchtdorf's comments a little closer as well. For most of my life, I have been very politically aware. I have even at times described myself as rabidly conservative. I now look at our political landscape and the way it reflects back on me and I am not proud of what I see. When I said that the meeting was life changing to my wife, this is what I meant. Standing up and fighting for what I believe with a loud voice and clenched fist has gotten me very little. One of the best examples I can give is this:

When the lead singer of the Dixie Chicks, Natalie Maines, made her infamous comments about George W. in Britain, I was right there with much of America screaming for their heads. I vowed to never buy another Dixie Chicks album and was pleased as I watched their careers shatter. They had done wrong by me and my political beliefs and they needed to pay the proper price. Now, however many years later, I regret what happened to them. All along they claimed they were just exercising their freedom of speech and shouldn't be held accountable to the level they were. I rationalized that you have the right to free speech but not the reactions of those you speak to. In the end, we were both right. But the bottom line is this, I haven't heard any new Dixie Chicks music in years. I really like them. I still don't agree with what they said, but in hindsight, it was pretty minimal. And now, their careers are over and I get no new music from one of my favorite artistic groups. Who is the winner?

People who I would have said share my political beliefs can be seen everywhere espousing behavior I would never condone in a religious setting, but up until now, have been more than willing to accept in a political one. Bill O'Reilly's new book is entitled Pinheads and Patriots. Who is Bill O'Reilly to define patriotism and who gains anything by calling someone else a pinhead? Ann Coulter has a book entitled Treason. Rush Limbaugh has made the phrase, "Reaching across the aisle" a swear word. What good is coming of any of these caustic comments? These "prideful" commentaries of those with whom we disagree. Many on my side of the political spectrum would point out that the left is just as guilty if not more so. I would have made that same argument. In fact I have many times. Now my answer is, So What? I specifically now remember a teaching that an eye for an eye is not the correct course of action for one who would call themselves Christian.

My ramblings have become just that, ramblings. But for me, Saturday evening, October 2nd, was eye opening. And humbling. Oh so very humbling. My new year's resolution in October is: In all aspects of my life from family to work to politics to church, I am going to stand for what I believe. But I will do all I can not to offend in the process. Others may find offense in what I believe, and that is their choice. But I pray they find no offense in my manner or delivery. I will strive to see others as my brothers and sisters rather than my enemies. And in my personal or public situations, I will remember that the hardliners, a description I have used for myself in the past, ended up on the wrong side of the stories told by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.