Hawaii Trip Day 5: What Is A Furiously Underworked Cop?...Oh

5:45 a.m. - I had really wanted to repeat my Wednesday morning experience on the beach outside our hotel so I had told myself to get up and get out there early. I figured I would get some really good beach time especially since Shannon had made it abundantly clear that her day was not going to begin before a seven appeared as the first number of the digital read out on the alarm clock. Since I have one of those pesky internal alarms, I generally wake up early and before the alarm goes off. I wake up and realize, I am absolutely beat. I close my eyes and decide I will try again later.

6:30 a.m. - Ok, still feeling wiped but decide I will get up and head out to the beach. Having learned from my previous experience, I have made sure that my hotel key is in the pocket that can be secured with velcro. Since I haven't replaced the one I lost at the airport this is our last key. Make my way down to the beach and enjoy another perfect morning on Maui.

7:18 a.m. - Head back to the room and Shannon is awake and moving. Our agenda today is to drive the Road to Hana. The Road to Hana is a fifty mile stretch of highway that goes right along the northeast coast of Maui. They estimate that between 1,500 and 2,000 cars travel this stretch of highway each day. It is supposed to be absolutely stunning.

8:30 a.m. - We are ready to rock and roll. On our many travels to Kahalui over the last several days, we have passed a general store, smoothie truck and fruit stand about 5 miles outside of Lahaina that has captured our interest. We decide for breakfast we will stop and buy a fresh Maui Gold pineapple and smoothie to go along with anything that might be good in the general store.

8:43 a.m. - It seems the fresh fruit stand is run by two brothers who appear and sound like they are Israeli. I would choose the roadside of Maui over the Gaza strip any day. I just throw this observation in to show support for my new found Israeli friends if that is the life choice they have made. If they in fact aren't Israeli and never have even seen Gaza then...I don't know, I guess you know where I stand on living either in Maui or in Gaza...just in case this should ever come up in the future. Am I actually still talking about this? Wow! Anyway, we get our pineapple and our smoothies and head over to the general store.





8:52 a.m. - As with pretty much all stores in Hawaii, this store is filled with thousands of souvenir options. This place appears to be the cheapest one we have found so far so we take some time to go shopping. Our tourist dollars for the day begin flying out of our pockets and we are still 30 miles from the Hana Highway. These people are good. I end up getting a shell lei that I have since hung up on the wall of my office at work. Shannon gets several things.

Now one of my worst attributes is that when Shannon is shopping and I am waiting, my mind begins to wander to a place where reason and sensible thought no longer exist. While she is making up her mind about the different items she wants to get, I wander and find freshly made sushi rolls. I then tell myself, "I like California rolls. They are pretty tasty sometimes. Ok, I have only really had them twice before. But I am pretty sure I liked them then. Maybe I should get some for breakfast."

Once we have checked out and are back in the car and I pull out my latest purchase, Shannon looks at me with horror and disgust. "Sushi for breakfast? Really?!? That is disgusting," is what her face says in a matter of milliseconds. She also points out that maybe, just maybe, buying uncooked fish from a convenience store just before setting off on a road that often takes people 6 hours to drive and has minimal bathroom options might not be the best idea. I assure her that any place that sells Dr. Pepper (one of which I also purchased) can be trusted and we set off.

Fortunately this is not a foreshadowing of some very ugly events ahead. The sushi was pretty good and it did not require any emergency stopping later on.



9:06 a.m. - Take my first bite of our fresh pineapple. OH MY GOSSSSHHHHH!!!!!!! It is so juicy that I can't keep the pineapple juice from running all over my chin and down my shirt. But I don't even care. It is AMAZING. I will never be able to eat a Bashas pineapple again, let alone that canned crap.

9:21 a.m. - Radio options in Maui are pretty limited. Most of them play either Reggae, Reggae/Rap or Hawaiian music. None of those three are listed on my Facebook page as a music option I prefer. Shannon either. We have found one station that does ok. But it is really all over the board. Here are the songs we heard while driving to Kahalui. Make It Real - The Jets, (I know, I haven't heard it since then either), All I Want To Do Is Make _________ - Heart, (Well, this is a family blog), Need You Now - Lady Antebellum, Love Story - Taylor Swift and several different Hawaiian Rap Songs. How is that for variety? I desperately search the dial one more time for Brad Paisley, but it ain't happenin'.

9:43 a.m. - There was some confusion in an earlier post about why I was keeping track of our son Logan's urinary habits. I apologize, I was actually kidding my wife by referring to her as Logan. In earlier blog posts related to previous trips we have taken, I have chronicled Logan's uncanny ability to NEED to use the bathroom at the most inopportune time. As recounted during our Utah trip, he had to go pee 5 miles from the next town. We could actually see the next town, but he couldn't wait and so we had one of those bare buns on the side of the road moments. Shannon did not have any bare buns on the side of the road moments...on this trip...(just kidding dear) but was needing restroom facilities at a fevered pace up to this point. As we arrive in Kahalui, a town with many restroom opportunities, I ask her if she needs anything. The response is negative. She informs me she took care of everything before we left.

9:51 a.m. - Five miles out of Kahalui, Shannon informs me she needs to use the restroom. That sound you hear is all of my teeth fracturing into dust from the pressure in my jaws. Our only hope is a town called Paia that we have never been to before. Based on our last Disneyland experience, we know that just because the name of a town appears on a map, it does not guarantee bathrooms.

10:03 a.m. - When we hit Paia, it has started to rain a bit. However, we are in luck as there is a Shell gas station. Shannon hops out and runs inside. Since I am not getting gas, I pull the car out of the way. Unfortunately, the only place protected from the rain is in the areas where you fill up. I am not in one of those areas. I pick up the guidebook we are going to use on our trip down the Hana Highway and start reading. I become so engrossed that I don't realize the rain has become torrential. I have to admit I jumped a little when the passenger door flings open and Shannon hops in. The look she gives me is not one of love and compassion one might expect on an anniversary trip such as ours. "What were you doing? I have been waiving at you for five minutes and...nothing!" My feeble, "I'm sorry" doesn't do much good. This drive is starting out spectacularly. I don't dare bring up that if she had gone back in Kahalui she wouldn't be wet right now for fear of becoming the lead story on the Maui evening news, but I was thinking it. Meanwhile, she is trying to control her breathing and get the mental image of me with a javelin through my head out of her mind. I hope this road is as soothing as peaceful as they say.

10:14 a.m. - The road becomes more and more tropical and over grown with each mile. It also becomes narrower. In fact, several times (over 30 by the time we get to the end) the road shrinks down to one lane on a blind corner. It was a tad nerve racking to drive, but my goodness was it spectacular.

10:22 a.m. - The beauty of the Hana Highway is stopping and getting out to see the unbelievable scenery. We make our first stop based on the suggestion of the Maui Revealed guide book. It says there is a short little hike that will lead to a really nice waterfall. We get out and start down the path. After just a few steps we start following a fence that has a sign on it that says, Private Property. After about 10 yards, there is a hole in this fence and the trail goes right through it. That is comforting. The guide book didn't say anything about getting shot over property rights.

However, the trespassing is completely worth it as you can see:





10:37 a.m. - Ok, I am feeling a little sheepish as now I have to go to the bathroom. I mean, I really have to go to the bathroom. That Dr. Pepper mixed with the juicy pineapple has run the gauntlet in record time and things must be addressed. I still am able to claim some urination moral high ground as Shannon says she needs to go again as well. Shannon points out that we are kind of in a jungle and I will be fine just going right off the trail that we have hiked on our way to the waterfall. She isn't that desparate, but I am. We let a group of people go by and then I run off the trail a ways and she keeps watch. I am a little worried as the guidebook has made it abundantly clear that public urination is against the law here. Fortunately, no problems.

10:44 a.m. - We get back out to the main road to find the group that we had let go ahead of us loading up in their van. And right there on the main highway is one of their party relieving himself for all to see. Now that is just crazy. You are in the middle of a jungle for the longest time and you wait until you are out on the main highway??? We both shake our heads, hop in the car and take off.

10:53 a.m. - Stop at another little trail that leads to a beautiful pool with a waterfall. One of the neatest things about this trail is that it is covered with fallen flowers from the trees above. It iss really pretty. However, we do not stay long as Shannon's needs have progressed quickly. We get back on the road and if possible, it seems to have gotten even smaller. I am really having flashbacks to driving on rural roads in Wales on my mission. Those were not incredibly safe flashbacks.







11:02 a.m. - Find public restrooms. Pee count: Shannon - 2, Ryan - 1

11:21 a.m. - We take off on a side road down to a peninsula the guide book says has a lava rock beach that is worth the time. The guidebook was correct. Before we get to the lava rock beach we see a sign in a drive way for freshly made mango bread. Ok, I gotta try that. And...totally worth it. When I bought it, I bought it for us. Unfortunately for Shannon, she got about one bite. It really was good. It tasted like pumpkin or banana bread only with a citrus kick and it was definitely more moist. I have really got to get a good mango bread recipe. Oh wait, I would need fresh mangos to make the recipe work. In the Gila Valley, that could be a problem.



11:30 a.m. - The waves coming up on the lava rock beach are a little more forceful than the ones we have seen at our hotel. We try to get some pictures that do it justice. In hindsight, I am not sure you can take pictures that will do it justice.



11:38 a.m. - There is a park right across from the beach with public bathrooms. Pee count: Shannon - 3, Ryan - 2.

11:46 a.m. - The guidebook tells us where to stop in order to get a perspective of a waterfall from above. It is pretty amazing. Again, pictures do not do it justice.



11:52 a.m. - We start down another side road to a village called Nahiku. It is weird to see that people who collect cars only to let them rust out and die live everywhere, even in paradise. We pass a couple of cars that the jungle is claiming for its own. As well as some mailboxes.



The plant life on this road is amazing. We see all kinds of things. We pass a couple of stands where we can get cold drinks out of a cooler or shell leis. There is no one working these stands, they are simply on your honor things. You don't see that everyday. At the bottom of the road is one of the prettiest little coves ever. We get a picture that Shannon calls "A Peak At Paradise".





12:06 p.m. - We are getting hungry for lunch. We refer to the guidebook and it tells us that there are several decent places for eating. It mentions a place called Coconut Glen's. We come upon a roadise stand with coconuts. However, there are chickens all over everything and so we decide if this is Coconut Glen's, we are giving it a pass.

12:13 p.m. - It wasn't Coconut Glen's. However, the actual Coconut Glen's doesn't inspire us to stop there either.

12:37 p.m. - We decide to try eating at the Nahiku Marketplace. Think of it as a stripmall made out of...palm fronds. There are several "stores" and a restaurant. The restaurant is basically picnic tables and a kitchen in a truck. But don't let the mental image fool you. As bad as it may have looked, the food was that good. REALLY!! We both got a shrimp dish with Shannon opting for the coconut shrimp while I went with the spicy shrimp.





Our waitress was Phyllis. She is an older lady who taught school in Southern California. She and her husband were going over their bills one night and realized they would never be able to retire. So, they decided to quit their jobs and move to where they most wanted to be and just work there. Which is Maui. Now, while her husband works his construction business, she waits tables two days a week and bakes coconut bread for a shop next to the "restaurant." Talk about guts.

Other highlights of the Nahiku Marketplace: A vendor who makes baseball caps out of leaves, Phylis' coconut bread and Shannon having the opportunity to use what she calls the outhouse in paradise. Much to her dismay, Shannon is getting enough experience with port-a-johns this trip that she may be qualified to go to work for Brooks Scarbrough when we get back. Oh, and the place has several chickens. I am cured of ordering any chicken dishes on this island. Pee count: Shannon - 4, Ryan - 2



1:26 p.m. - We are almost to Hana when we stop at a state park that has an actual black sand beach. The "sand" is actually very tiny pebbles that used to be large lava rocks. The waves come in and pound the lava rocks down into these pebbles that make up the beach. It was unbelievable. It was also a little scary. We are seeing upwards of 20 foot waves coming in that would clearly kill us if we were anywhere near them. Sometimes the power of God and nature is absolutely terrifying in its beauty.







1:43 p.m. - The black sand beach is just down the way from a blowhole. We walk the 200 or so yards to it and try and get some video of the water blowing up. As we are standing there, Shannon looks behind me and sees a wall of rain just bearing down on us. Of course, we are at the furthest point from our car. We get absolutely drenched. Once we arrive back at the car, the rain stops. Irony at its finest. However, being soaked, I take my shirt off to try and dry it out some. Shannon sees a sign that can be seen below and threatens to call the cops. There are some public restrooms right by the beach. Pee count: Shannon - 5, Ryan 3.





2:14 p.m. - We drive into Hana. This is definitely one of those drives where it is more about the journey than the destination. There is nothing wrong with Hana, but there is nothing spectacular about it either. It is just a small little Hawaiian town on the east side of Maui. We do however, know that there is a red sand beach here in Hana that we want to see. We try to follow the maps from the guidebook but we are not having very much luck.

2:26 p.m. - We believe we have found the place where we park to go to the red sand beach. One side of the road is clearly marked that you don't park there. But, it doesn't say anything about parking on the other side. However, when we read the guidebook, it is emphatic that Hana is infamous for "furiously overworked cops handing out tickets" to cars that are parked facing the wrong way on the side of the road that isn't marked regarding parking. We chuckled about the wording furiously overworked cops until we were able to turn around at the dead end of the little road and on our way back there is a police officer putting a ticket on the window of the only car parked on that little street. It is not parked on the side clearly marked for no parking. So I guess they were parked the wrong way and were unfortunate to meet up with a furiously underworked cop. Bummer! But I guess I am glad it wasn't us.

2:47 p.m. - We decide not to take any chances with the little street all together and park a few hundred yards down the road in a little parking lot. It was a walk but at least we are guaranteed not to get any parking tickets. We walk to where there is supposed to be a trail, but we aren't seeing anything. At the end of the little street is a back entrance to a hotel that specifically says we shouldn't be there. So what do we do? We go in anyway. This is where things get a little creepy. Ok, really a lot creepy. This was a pretty big hotel area and yet we did not see a single person. I am not talking about very few people. I mean we saw not one single person. Not a guest. Not a groundskeeper. No one! We kind of joke to each other that maybe some crazy person has killed everybody. When we laugh about our little joke, our laughter is definitely the nervous kind.

3:53 p.m. - After walking around, we realize that we are clearly not in the right place and decide to give up. The road to Hana actually continues on around the southern side of the island and makes a full circle. However, it is getting to be almost 4 and the one thing we know is that we don't want to be on any of these roads after dark. Also Rhett and Alysia Dodge told us the southern side of the island is basically Arizona desert with ocean on the side. So we decide to start back the way we came and just get back to Lahaina.

4:32 p.m. - So, by not stopping on our way back along this winding tiny road, we have caused Shannon to experience car sickness. We are faced with a real dilemma here. Do we go slower and make the curves less nausiating but take longer to get back or do we go as fast as possible and get back quicker but make the curves more of a factor. I opted for quicker. At several points I had the thought, "What are we going to do if she has to throw up?" There aren't exactly any places to pull over. Pulling over would require careening off of a cliff into a gorge hundreds of feet below. The upside I suppose would be that the scenery right before our death would be spectacular.

4:47 p.m. - We are in a huge line of cars that have backed up as we all make our way back. In the line are at least three Mustang convertibles. Before we had come, we had read that the best way to do the road to Hana is in a convertible. During our drive today we have seen no less than 25 Mustang convertibles. There had to be some rental place that specializes in them. As I think back over our day and how many times it rained on us during the drive, I would be livid had we spent a great deal of extra money so we could do the road to Hana with a convertible.

5:17 p.m. - Shannon calls and talks to the kids. During this discussion we discover that Kate has made it a pretty common practice to tell Tristen, "I don't like you." That is fantastic. We also learned that because she doesn't like Tristen, she actually locked her out of the van at one point. Nice!

6:18 p.m. - We get back to the hotel and relax a little before changing clothes and heading into Lahaina for dinner at The Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. I do my best Forrest Gump impression on the bench outside but I am no Tom Hanks. The food is fantastic and we get seated right next to the ocean. No seriously, had I dropped my fork on the left side of the table, it would have been in the ocean. Our waitress is Aneen. She has lived on Maui for about a year and is originally from New Jersey. During our conversation, she tells us that she and her husband have lived several places and have developed a love for Mexican food. She says they have yet to find a decent Mexican food restaurant since they moved to Maui. This was our chance to shine. We turned a local onto Polli's. She was very grateful.



8:02 p.m. - We begin to walk Front Street and do some window shopping, I am really starting to hit a wall. Shannon wants some ice cream, but it is all I can do not to shut my eyes and fall asleep in the ice cream shop.

10:09 p.m. - We have arrived back at the hotel and just lay on our beds in a vegetative state with the TV on. I think we need some beach time before our vacation kills us. Final pee count: Shannon - 54, Ryan 6. Or something like that.

Hawaii Trip Day 4: Define "Big" Pancakes

7:00 a.m. - We had originally planned on going to Pearl Harbor this morning, but we heard that you need to get there early or it can be an all day experience. We didn't have all day and after three days with early mornings and packed schedules, we are exhausted. So we decided the night before to let Pearl Harbor go and try and sleep in and get rested up. Unfortunately, downtown Honolulu is not a quiet place and I awake to the sound of street traffic and sirens. Get in the shower. My shower is a quick one as I start to suffer from bouts of clausterphobia before too long.

7:26 a.m. - There is no laundry options in our hotel on Maui so we knew that we would have to do some laundry at this hotel in order to make it through the week. I head down to do the laundry while Shannon gets up and gets ready for the day. I am told the laundry is in a structure behind the second tower. Silly me, I assumed a structure would be...I don't know...a building? Nay nay. This "structure" has chain link fence walls and a tin roof with two washers and two driers and two plastic chairs, all of which are occupied, and I am now in line. This could be a long morning.

7:54 a.m. - Finally get my clothes into the washer. That is the positive. The negative is there is no room in the "structure" for me so I have to stand outside and it has started to rain.

8:22 a.m. - Getting to know my fellow Hawaii vacationers as we all wait for our laundry or for the opportunity to do our laundry. One of these individuals is a lady from Scotland who is here for two weeks before heading off to Vegas for a week. That would be quite a vacation in and of itself, but this actually comes after cruising the French Polynesian islands for 17 days. While she has been gone, her brother died and she might miss the birth of her grandchild. Holy Crap! I have never considered going on a vacation where upon my return I might have Rip Van Winkle type experiences. I have always thought that I enjoyed vacations and, if given the opportunity, I could vacation with the best of them. This lady has proven I am a child among men when it comes to vacationing. Good gosh, 6 weeks!?! That is the length of most maternity leaves. I don't know what that correlation has to do with anything but...there it is.

8:41 a.m. - Wash is done, but now waiting for a dryer. Shannon calls my cell phone getting slightly concerned about me. I assure her that she should make herself comfortable. It will be a while. I also let her know that it would do neither of us any good for her to come keep me company in the "structure".

9:58 a.m. - Check out of the hotel and go to pick up our car. The very kind valet personnel stroll the length of a school bus to get our car for us. I believe we paid $2 per step for that "service". Once we leave the parking area, we realize we are starving and need to find a place to eat. Right by our hotel was an IHOP that now we can't find a parking spot for. We have checked out so our valet spot is no longer available and Shannon gets a little perturbed at me for jumping the gun on getting out of there. We decide that we will just drive toward the area we are going and see if we can find anything along the way.

10:24 a.m. - We are going to a place called the Valley of the Temples which houses the Buddhist temple called The Temple of the Gods. We get to drive the Likiliki highway again (snicker snicker), but there is no where to eat between our hotel and this area. Fortunately, right across the street from the Valley of the Temples is a shopping center. We hope there is something in there.

10:28 a.m. - We have a choice between two diners serving breakfast. One has not a single soul in it while the other has a handful of people who appear to be local. We decide the locals probably know best and choose the Times Coffee Shop. We look at the menu and they have freshly made blueberry and banana pancakes. That sounds delicious as we are just starving. We try to decide if a stack of three and some eggs on the side will be enough. The waitress says, "Our pancakes are kind of big." Fine, I will settle with two banana pancakes and a side of eggs while Shannon will have the blueberry with a side of eggs..

It would have been so much more helpful if she had said, "Our pancakes are the size of a plate and an inch thick each." I personally think that description is different from "kind of big". These pancakes are enormous. I quickly realize I have ordered too much food...for our entire family if they had been there. But let me tell you, these are the BEST pancakes I have ever had. Especially when I combined them with the coconut syrup they made fresh daily. OH MY GOSH!!!!!! Best breakfast EVER!!!! I recognize that I am somewhat prone to use superlatives way too often but in this case, I do not believe I am exaggerating.

However, this does cause a problem. When you order way too much of something that is truly amazing, you tend to eat way too much of it. And boy do we. We leave there feeling as if we may explode all over the Valley of the Temples. I had to laugh at the lady who collected the bill afterwards. I told her how good their pancakes were and she said back, "But you didn't finish them." Oh that's nice. Make fun of the fact that we ordered way too much by rubbing in our faces that we couldn't finish it.



11:18 a.m. - Arrive at the Temple of the Gods. I can't describe the beauty so here are some pictures to try and do it justice.













11:32 a.m. - In a gift shop off to the side, they have bird seed that you can purchase. If you put the bird seed in your hand, the birds will fly up and eat right out of your hand. I feel positively Mary Poppinsish.





11:46 a.m. - We stroll one more time around the grounds and take some more pictures. Interesting things of note about this location. I once remember seeing a Magnum PI episode filmed here. Also, this is the location where they filmed Jin and Sun's wedding. If you don't get that reference, shame on you. Just suck it up and watch Lost already. Also, in the time we have been there, we have seen five tour buses pull up, empty, reload 15 minutes later and leave. The Scottish lady I had spoken to earlier said this is the way all of these tour buses operate. You get 15 minutes at a site and then they herd you off to the next site. Memo to me? Memo to me. NEVER tour a place by bus! Oh wait, I already knew that one.

12:02 p.m. - We have finished at the Valley of the Temples and it is lunch time. (Pardon while I burst into uncontrollable laughter). We couldn't possibly be less hungry. We have a tour of movie locations scheduled for 2:30 so we have some time to kill. We are just driving when we come across the Macadamia Nut Farm. That sounds interesting. Well...Not so much. Just a tourist trap (complete with a constant stream of tour buses coming and going) that has all the typical Hawaiian stuff to sell. But wait!!! They do provide free coffee samples!!! Fantastic for the Mormon couple. One interesting thing though is the bathroom. I walk in and there is an open window that cannot be closed that faces the parking lot. So as I stand there doing what comes naturally, I am able to view all of the fresh faces coming to visit the Macadamia Nut Farm. The whole time, I am praying that no one takes an interest in the open window off to the side of the main interest. Fortunately for me, my prayer is answered. Crazy me, just not that into public urination.

1:30 p.m. - We kill enough time that we feel comfortable going over to Kualoa Ranch where we will be taking the movie sites tour. Why is it that every time we need to get out of our car and into a building, the rain just starts pouring. We can drive for quite a while with no rain, but as soon as we need to get out...torrential downpour.

2:30 p.m. - We are ready to start our tour and they take us out to our tour vehicles. They are ooooooollllllld school buses painted green with all the windows removed. How tropical. The main problem is that it is still raining and the seats are all wet. There are two buses on our tour and we are directed on to the second one. We couldn't figure out what the criteria was for the separation until the tour started and we realized the other bus was strictly Japanese speaking. As we take off, there is suddenly this hideous screeching. We thought for a moment that they were giving us a preview of the Jurassic Park section of the tour, but no. It was just the brakes on the bus, which clearly hadn't been serviced since the reign of King Kamehameha III. However the tour was pretty cool. We saw the log that the dinosaurs jumped over in Jurassic Park and we saw the site for Hurley's Golf Course (again just watch Lost and be done with it) and the site of the cafe from 50 1st Dates among other things. Pretty cool!!!











3:26 p.m. - As our tour is coming to an end we hear an interesting factoid that is a repeat from one we heard from our zipline person. Over 80% of the vegetation in Hawaii is not native. Apparently, unlike Arizona, just about anything will grow in Hawaii. The downside is that it will force the fragile local stuff into extinction.

3:41 p.m. - We leave Kualoa Ranch and start back for Honolulu. We figure we have enough time to get dinner and then head back to the airport to catch our flight. On the road is a general store and I am feeling in the mood for a Dr. Pepper (which rarely happens) so I pull over. I walk into...I am not sure how to describe it. 90% of the stuff in this place can't possibly be for sale. If it is for sale, they seriously have to take a class on presentation. A quarter inch of dust covers everything and Hawaii is not a dusty place. There is one small rack of candy and a cooler in the corner with about 15 sodas in it. (I thank my lucky stars one of them is a Dr. Pepper.) I look around for a place to pay. That right there is a problem when the cash register area is not easily identified. I see a counter, (at this point I still have yet to see a person) and behind it is a stairwell into one of the dirtiest kitchens I have ever seen. A very old lady peaks around the corner and comes down. I am pretty sure she doesn't speak English. But if she does, she doesn't speak it to me. At this point, I am simply motivated to get out of here. This place is starting to resemble a set from a horror movie where people just up and disappear. However, there is one aspect that is truly positive. Along with everything else being very old and outdated, so is the pricing on my Dr. Pepper. I am pretty sure it is the cheapest one I purchased the entire week.

4:45 p.m. - Our thought process had been that we would come back into Honolulu and since we had a gift card to Cheesecake Factory, we would eat there and then get back to the airport to catch our plane. Oh how naive we were. Honolulu traffic is kicking our butt at this point. Heading into downtown is just brutal. But it gives us an opportunity to take in the city around us and...my way of putting it would be imagine being in a Los Angeles that had decided not to update since 1962. There are so many buildings that are that old 60s style that have not aged well and are really ugly. It is clearly not near as big, but the feel to me was very similar to LA. Anyway, we finally get to where the GPS is telling us The Cheesecake Factory should be and we realize we are right on the main road by Waikiki Beach.

A couple of things about Waikiki Beach. 1. There is no parking. I have clearly lived in Thatcher too long to think that we could slip into an area like this and have dinner and get back out reasonably quick. Sheer stupidity on my part. 2. TOO MANY PEOPLE!!! I am seriously missing Maui at this point. Oahu is feeling like Phoenix to Maui's Thatcher. I can't think of one town on Maui that I think is bigger than Safford and Thatcher put together. This strip on Waikiki Beach feels like the strip in Vegas without the seriously objectionable stuff. This is going to sound way too judgmental and it could be seriously affected by how frustrated I was trying to find a parking spot and then just giving up and trying to find a way out, but it looked like a bunch of posing people going to posing places all in an attempt to be hip. I now will accept the moniker of grumpy old grandpa and Waikiki Beach and I will agree to part ways peacefully and do our best to never cross paths again. Once more, to be fair, I didn't actually get to see the beach as I was trying not to get in a car wreck nor hit anyone which was actually harder than it sounds.

5:51 p.m. - We looked for a while for a place to eat, but just like Los Angeles, once you get to a place where you can actually park, you can't find a decent eating establishment to save your life. (A quick aside; this moment totally reminded me of the time that Shannon and I were with my parents and drove for, I am not exaggerating, 25 minutes in Los Angeles just looking for a restaurant. Any restaurant. We were so desparate we would have taken a McDonald's. That is something that would never happen to you in Mesa or Phoenix.) So we give up and start back for the car rental place. We have nicknamed the GPS Dave and he is doing a great job. Without him, things could have gone horribly wrong several times. However, it begins to rain heavily and traffic is tough when we are directed to go under the freeway. We are so close, but in our final moments of need, Dave leaves us as we lose signal for the GPS. So, we of course miss the turn we are supposed to make. By the way, there are a couple of places we could choose to grab a bite, but let's just throw in that they were located near the airport under the freeway and leave it at that. We are able to correct fairly quickly and soon are on our way back to the airport on the car rental shuttle.

6:33 p.m. - We are through security and starving. As I have mentioned before, one of the things I had been really looking forward to was the exotic eating choices we would have in the tropics. So you can imagine how disappointed I was with myself as we headed into an airport restaurant for dinner. The food was...ok and certainly was needed at that point, but we have now had meals in an airport, at McDonald's and a hideous fast food joint in Laie. I will have to beat myself repeatedly with seaweed when we get back to our Maui hotel...oh wait, there is no seaweed here. Yeah!!! That makes up for some of our culinary disappointments.

8:15 p.m. - We are boarded and on our way. We are still taxiing around a corner, when all of sudden we begin to accelerate to take off speeds...while still taking the corner. Got a bit of a cowboy pilot here it would seem.

8:48 p.m. - Definitely a cowboy. We are coming in for a landing when 5 seconds before touchdown, it feels like we accelarate. A lot! I thought maybe it was just me, but Shannon confirmed that that seemed really weird to her as well. So we are cruising past the airport at a pretty good clip. After what seems like an eternity, we finally slow down enough to turn. I am half wondering if we actually went past the airport and caught the Hana Highway with as far as we went. I look out the window and I can't even see the airport and I am on the right side of the plane to be seeing the airport. Over the intercom the pilot announces we will be taxiing for a while and to please keep our seat belts on. That's great Mr. Andretti but maybe we wouldn't have had to taxi so long if, again, you hadn't slammed on the gas AS WE WERE LANDING and gone half the length of Maui in the process!!! Have I mentioned my least favorite part of flying is landing? If not, my least favorite part of flying is landing. Now you know.

10:01 p.m. - After an uneventful pick up of our Maui car and a stop for gas (and some kind of liquid pick me up that has a slight essence of prunes) we drive the road back out to Kaanapali. It is funny, because at this point in our trip, we have spent more time on Oahu than on Maui, yet I feel like I have come home. And it feels good to be home. Oahu had some neat stuff, but a small town boy feels more comfortable on a small town island.

Hawaii Trip Day 3: For $60 We Will Treat You Like A Cow

5:20 a.m. - How much do I hate myself for thinking that catching a flight to Oahu at 7:45 in the morning was a good idea? A LOT!!! I hate myself a lot at this exact moment.

6:15 a.m. - Arrive at the Maui airport as it is starting to rain. Since we are dressed in our Sunday best, we do not necessarily appreciate this. However, the thing that catches us the most off guard is the two chickens that are strolling through the Maui airport parking lot. I have never been to a place where chickens have such free reign over an entire community.

6:40 a.m. - Get through security without any real issues except that you always feel pressured to get through quickly and it stresses me out.

7:12 a.m. - We realize that we will be joined on our flight by several elementary school classes who are traveling to Oahu for a field trip. They look to be about Braden's age. The crabby adult in me is not thrilled. I have a headache from waking up so early and now this? How did we get so lucky?

7:48 a.m. - How did we get so lucky? I have to take back all of my grumpy old man thoughts as we take off. All of the kids raised their hands when we started picking up speed to take off like we were on a roller coaster. Then they all cheered when we actually lifted of the ground. That was pretty cool. I needed that to be reminded how fun being young is. It completely cheers me up and has me forgetting all about that 5:20 wake up call...

8:01 a.m. - Until I realize I got so flustered in the security line that I left my room key in the plastic bucket thing. @$%!#, we are three days into this vacation and I have lost three room keys. My high from taking off with the kids is quickly dampening as I think about having to go face that grumpy front desk lady again who is going to sigh even harder this time. Dang It!

8:04 a.m. - Let that go and start looking out the window. It really is amazing. We fly over our side of the island and we can see the beach where we are staying. The water is amazingly blue and it is quite a beautiful thing to see.

8:09 a.m. - Lean my head back to get a little rest and...Oh wait, the flight is about over. Man that was short.

8:17 a.m. - As we are pulling up to the gate, I realize this is the first 5th of May that will be completely unaffected by Mexico's indepence since my mission.

8:42 a.m. - We catch a shuttle over to the rental car place in Honolulu and it resembles what I imagine one of the worst parts of Los Angeles to look like. We walk in and I am getting things settled when Shannon gets cornered by a lady who is there to provide tourist information to the tourists. She is what I would imagine authors are describing when they say that a person has a leathery face. Suffice it to say that life's mileage has not been kind to this lady. After just a few minutes, Shannon is desparate to get away. Right at that point, I have finished up and Shannon goes to get out. For what ever reason, she heads out the door backwards. I don't know if she was fearful that this lady would attack her from behind if given the opportunity or what, but she walks out the door backwards and completely misses the step down. She is in heels and flailing as she gets to the second step down and misses it as well. I have no idea how she managed to stay upright. I remember watching this happen thinking, "Oh my gosh, we are going to spend our time on Oahu in the ER." But somehow, Shannon manages to get her balance. We then count our blessings and run to the car to get away from this cursed place with its scary people and just get to the temple. That would have been easier had I remembered to take off the parking break.

9:02 a.m. - We are completely lost on the roads of Honolulu and it is raining hard. We finally just pull over and rework the GPS only to find that somehow, we had actually stumbled on the right road. The Likiliki highway (pronounced leaky leaky). It is completely sophomoric, but that names makes me smile everytime I hear it or say it. We start down the Likiliki highway (see, the irony of having Shannon in the car as we start down the Likiliki highway just makes me chuckle) and are suddenly in some of the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen.

9:48 a.m. - We arrive at the Laie temple and ask if we can do sealings. Apparently this is not a common request as we seem to throw the place into a bit of turmoil. But they recover nicely and we begin sealings for a list of Chinese names. This is the first time I have ever done Chinese names and it is fascinating to see the temple cards with Chinese characters on them. Also, apparently they did not keep records of Chinese women's names as every name was the male's name followed by the exact same name with the ending of Fu Yen. The sealer explained that Fu Yen is the equivalent of Mrs. in English. Interesting.







10:20 a.m. - They need the two witnesses to report to the veil and so they ask if we can wait until they return. We agree and sit down with the sealer. He begins to talk to us about the history of the area and it is fascinating. Apparently in the late 1800s the Church purchased 6,000 acres for $14,000. That acreage is now the home of the temple, BYU-Hawaii and the Polynesian Cultural Center (PCC). He told us how the owner of the land wanted to sell right away, but that purchasing the land would require local leaders to get permission from Salt Lake, which would take months. The local leader of the Church agonized over this until he had a dream that Brigham Young was there and he was providing a tour to the Prophet. In his dream, Brigham Young was very pleased with the land and the local leader took this dream to be a sign that he should purchase the land.

We also discovered that our sealer had just returned from Hong Kong where he had been serving as the Temple President. He had also served in Hong Kong as the Mission President. What was especially amazing was that he asked where we were from and when we told him Thatcher, he asked if we knew Nolan Reed, which I do. His grandson is in our Deacon's quorum. He had worked with Nolan at BYU-Hawaii for 20 years. In the Church, it is truly a small world.

10:51 a.m. - Following the sealings, we spent a few minutes in the Celestial Room and it was stunning (as they all are). By not having white as one of the major colors in any part of the temple that we had been in up to that point, it was such a stark contrast when the Celestial Room as all white. It just gleamed.

11:13 a.m. - Leaving the temple, we take time to take pictures and take in the beauty of the temple. It is quite a different look from our Arizona temples. While taking pictures, a gentleman walks up and asks if we would like him to take a picture of both of us together. We think that would be great. That would have been great, but unfortunately, he never really got to a decent level of comfort with our camera and so we ended up with a slightly out of focus and uneven picture of both of us in front of the temple. Oh well. However, the gentleman asked where we were from and when we told him, he asked if we knew Danny Merrill. He only released me from my mission. He said when we saw them again to say hello from Santa Ted. We have been on LDS property for under 3 hours and already have met two people who not only know where Thatcher is, but know people from there that we know. WOW!



11:42 a.m. - After changing our clothes, we need to eat. Folks at the temple suggested we eat before we go to the PCC as it can be a tad expensive. So, we remember the good experiences we have had at Da Kitchen and Polli's and decide to try a small local diner. The place we chose, L&L Chopstick Express...reminded us how good Da Kitchen and Polli's were. The food was so...Ugh! Oh well, at least we are full before we head into the PCC.

12:26 p.m. - We are at the PCC picking up our tickets and the one thing I really did not appreciate about the PCC makes its first appearance. I ask for our tickets and they ask if we have been to the PCC before. We reply that we have not. I am then told that the package we have purchased is really for those who have been there before and that we really want to upgrade to the next level. Because at the next level, we can become part of a tour and we can make sure to maximize our PCC experience. Also, we will get priority seating and first entry into the Luau. Finally, we convince them that somehow we will suffer through our subpar package for first timers and will not be upgrading. They then offer another package for a little less money that when boiled down to what we would actually use, consists of ice cream during the evening show. So we can pay $50 extra for ice cream. That had better be some D___ GOOD ice cream! We decline. Having been in sales for much of my adult life, there is nothing I despise more than being upsold. I found it extremely frustrating to be dealing with this at a Church owned facility. It was my one really negative experience at the PCC which otherwise, as you shall see, we enjoyed. However, I will revisit this once more before I am done.

12:48 p.m. - We stroll into the Samoa area and the sun has come out. It is muggy and starting to get a little warm. So what do we do? We walk over and sit in an area where they are doing a cooking demonstration. SMART!

12:59 p.m. - The Samoa show is about to start and one of the aforementioned tours suddenly materializes out of nowhere and the almost empty seating area is now completely full. Show has neat demonstration on how to make fire and how to climb a coconut tree.

1:38 p.m. - We wander through the New Zealand area with the Mowris and get matching arm tattoos. I am reminded again that I am grateful to live in a culture that does not apply value to having facial tattoos.



2:00 p.m. - The cultural canoe presentation of all of the cultures represented at the PCC begins and it is fantastic. I go over and video it while Shannon sits and visits with some people next to her. She comes away with one of my favorite tourist trap stories from our vacation. The people next to her were saying how impressed they were that they had taken the time to book a sunset dinner cruise. They felt extremely lucky because the company they went through had over booked and so they had to reschedule. But because of the reschedule, they were upgraded free of charge to a table with a window...(pause)...has it hit you yet? A sunset cruise where you only get a window with an upgrade? HMMM!!!! Glad we didn't book that one.

The canoe presentation is exquisite. It was especially special to me because one of my favorite home movies growing up was of my mom's and grandmother's trip to Hawaii. One of the highlights was the canoe presentation. So to get to see it in person was extremely cool.







2:30 p.m. - From the canoe presentation, we head to the Tonga show. I think the Tongan drums are my favorite cultural representation at the whole PCC. They really get going.

3:30 p.m. - Our next little show is the Tahiti hip dancers. To be completely honest, their movements defy gravity...or some physical law. To be able to keep their upper body that still while getting that much movement from their hips does not seem right. We are so impressed with them that we make sure Shannon gets a picture with the dancers before we leave.



4:13 p.m. - We wander through several areas where they are not currently having shows and we run across the Fiji guy who does actually bear a slight resemblence to someone from my nightmares. Nice guy though. I don't know if it is required if you work at the PCC, but up close I notice that he shaves his chest. Talk about hostile work environment.



5:00 p.m. - It is luau time!!! Positives: We get an actual floral lei. We meet some nice people seated at the same table as us. The food is pretty darn good.

Negatives: We are forced to turn to our neighbor whom we have never met and say Aloha. I hate doing stuff like this at leadership seminars, I sure as heck am gonna hate it on my vacation. Hawaiian music and more Hawaiian music. I am so ready to slip the guitar player a $20 and beg for some CCR. The hostess of the luau. I felt like I was transported to Las Vegas circa 1962. I am just one of those people who never felt like I needed to see the Lawrence Welk show in person and yet, here I am.

Overall, I discovered I am not a luau kind of guy. We found out later that we could have gotten the same food without the shmaltz just around the corner and it would have been a much more come and go as you please type of situation, which I would have preferred as we missed the IMAX show I wanted to see because we were stuck listening to the reincarnated female Dean Martin.

Final note from here; this is the point where I was feeling conflicted emotions. I was really glad I had not given into the constant pressure from the upsale at the beginning of the day. But on the flip side, I was even more frustrated at the attempts made at upselling at a Church owned site now that I saw what I would have gotten for my extra $60 bucks. We would have been treated like cattle. The tours just ran people from one thing to the next and never gave anyone an opportunity to experience anything. Second, the "preferred" seating at the luau was the table 1.5 feet directly to the right of us. Lastly, getting seated first at the luau? We actually got in first before any of them. Had I actually bought that, I would have been REALLY HOT!!! Good thing I would have had the $50 ice cream at the evening show to cool me off. I know I am spending a lot more time on this than all the other things we experienced, and that isn't fair. The rest of the PCC was incredible. The problem is trying to describe it. It was just beautiful and amazing and...you are probably sick of these and similar adjectives. But this one aspect was something I had no problem putting into words. And now, I will leave it alone. Unless for $10 more you would like me to continue for two more minutes.



6:21 p.m. - It has started to rain again and so we need to kill time before the evening show but indoors where we won't get soaked. This requires us to go into a store. We buy a few knick knacks, but mainly we just wander. We wander into a section of the store where a Tongan student is hanging out playing a ukelele. We start up a conversation and he asks where we are from. To most people we have been saying a small town in southeastern Arizona. Most people will respond, "Tucson?" We then describe where we are in relation to Tucson which leads to a glazed look on the other folks' faces 10 seconds in to our description. But this guy says, what's the name of your town. We say he probably hasn't heard of it but he says, "Try me." When we tell him Thatcher, he says that Brett Nelson from Thatcher was his favorite companion. Shannon grew up with the Nelsons in her ward and Brett and his wife actually lived in our ward for a short time. With the number of people now at three that know where Thatcher is and people from there, we are convinced that Thatcher is the nexus of the LDS universe. Incredible.



7:15 p.m. - Before we go into the evening show, Shannon stops at a pearl shop and wins a fresh pearl. Pretty neat! She then informs me she needs a $300 ring to set the pearl in. Man, even the free stuff here is expensive.



7:30 p.m. - The evening show, Ha - Breath of Life blows away anything we had seen up to this point and we had seen some pretty neat stuff. The highlights are the Tongan section with their drums, the Tahitian dancers and the Samoan fire dancer at the end. I could go on and on but it would include words like exquisite and beautiful and amazing and...you get the drift. Bottom line, the evening show was worth the entire price of admission...even without the ice cream. (Sorry, couldn't resist)

9:30 p.m. - We get to follow a tour bus going 40 mph all the way back to Honolulu. Imagine at least 10 snarky comments about that and you will have a small sampling of my thoughts during that 45 minute trip.

10:14 p.m. - We are following the GPS through downtown Honolulu (add downtown Honolulu to my list of places where my first experience driving them is at night) and my favorite GPS moment of the trip happens. It tells us, "At the end of the street turn right then at the end of the street turn left." I just thought that was kind of funny.

10:27 p.m. - We arrive at the parking lot of our hotel. It is a regular parking lot, but we are required to view it as valet parking. We get to pay $25 for this privilege. Now imagine seeing the spot they are going to park my car just 20 feet away from where we are speaking to the valet service. I could zip into the spot very easily. But no, they will do it for me...for $25. But I needn't worry. They will be available 24/7 to get my car when I need it...20 feet away. I almost ask if this is mugging Honolulu style, but I manage to stop myself.

10:32 p.m. - We check in and are told they are having a special. For just $15 more they will upgrade our room to one almost twice the size. Why would we need that for just one night???

10:38 p.m. - Because our standard room is the size of a shoe box. This picture below is taken with me leaning backwards over the credenza up against the main wall. The shower was smaller than a casket. Welcome to Waikiki Beach!!! I miss Maui already.



10:54 p.m. - Another added feature of our hotel is that even though we are 10 stories up, the buses and sirens of the street below sound like they are right in the room with us. Pretty sure we won't be making a return booking with the Courtyard by Marriott in Honolulu anytime soon. Fortunately, we are so tired, we fall asleep pretty quickly.