To be completely up front, I have never seen the TV show that the title of this post is parodying. I think you will have to agree with me that by using the word parodying in its correct context (for that matter using the word context) proves that I have never seen this show. In fact to go further, I am not at all a fan of the whole genre. (Is it possible that I am overcompensating by using a lot of fancy words to distance myself from the world of idiocy that is 2009 reality TV? I believe the answer is: Categorically!) Anyway, I just couldn't think of a better title to describe our lives since Thanksgiving. But since I started down this path, in honor of our trailer park brethren, I challenge you to keep track of how many references to asinine "reality" shows there are throughout the post and the person who can get back to me with the correct answer will get the amount of money equivalent to the combined IQ of the cast of Jersey Shore. (Hint: From what I have read, winning this prize would actually mean you owe me money, so don't waste too much time.)
I have no excuse for the preceding paragraph other than to say it is the Friday of the last week of school prior to Christmas. I now fully believe the song the twelve days of Christmas has been mistranslated over the years and that in its original text it was The Twelve Days of Christmas Programs. Abby had her choir program last week. Braden had his choir program on Tuesday morning. Logan had his pre-school program Wednesday evening and Abby had her drama club Christmas play Thursday evening, followed by additional performances Friday morning. This evening, I am in charge of the hospital's Christmas party being held from 4:30 to 7:00. Add in visiting all of the widows and widowers of the ward last Saturday morning and Tithing Settlement on Sunday and Tuesday evenings and you might understand why my mind might be all over the place and I would be inclined to run for The Hills. But tis the season and all is good. However, we have had a couple of events that warrant a special mention over the last couple of weeks.
As some of you may have heard, my father got remarried on December 5th to my mother-in-law. As you can see from the picture above, I am already having trouble with the new step-sister. Anyway, the day was perfect with absolutely stunning weather and a lot of family was able to make it. Following the ceremony, we all gathered outside for some pictures and it went exactly how you would expect it to go with that many children under the age of 10. How Logan's suit coat still has any shape at all is beyond me. As you can imagine, the jokes about new family relations were plentiful and I was a pretty good sport and managed a polite smile for most of them. However, I couldn't resist an eye-roll when somehow our situation got connected with Twilight by having us decide whether we were Team Claridge or Team Rapier. It isn't that the joke was that bad. It was just that suddenly my life had been tied in with that over hyped piece of fluff. This landed on my low lights for the year 2009. (I might read those books someday, but it is getting less and less likely everytime I am told how gorgeous Robert Pattinson is. To me he looks like someone dragged an albino out of the grave. Yes, I get it, he is a vampire, but that look doesn't say gorgeous to me. And if that is what the fans of this phenomenon believe to be an honest representation of human beauty, then suddenly how someone named Flavor Flav who wears a viking helmet and clock around his neck gets his own Bachelor type dating reality show is making more sense all of the time. Aren't all of these things signs of the Apocolypse. If not, they should be.)
Following the pictures, we headed over to the chapel across the street and had a luncheon/reception that my uncle Jack's family put on. They always do such an amazing job. The food was fantastic. It was quite sobering to realize every person in that cultural hall was my family. They were already, but now there was a second marriage to solidify it even more and create more confusion on someone's family group sheet. This may be inappropriate, but I am grateful that our parents are beyond child bearing years. That would just be too much. Danny and Marilyn plus 23 + 1. I can hear A&E picking up the phone right now. Anyway, we had a great time visiting with everyone and only Abby was disappointed with the outcome. Her cousin Shelby was unable to come with Shauna and they were not able to pick up where they had left off when we were returning from Fish Lake.
So after this, they were off on the honeymoon. As you can imagine, I would just as soon move right on past this as quickly as I would an episode of My Fair Brady, but one thing needs to be mentioned. NOT THAT!!! Just stop. No the thing I have to mention is just how different I am than my father. Their trip was a cruise to Mexico that left Los Angeles on Monday. They left Mesa on Saturday. Now to me, there were several scenarios that would work on breaking up the trip or doing whatever it takes to get to LA in plenty of time without exhausting myself. Not one of them includes spending the night in Blythe, CA. For those not familiar with this town, just remove the H from the name and you get a pretty good idea where they spent their wedding night. SIGH!!! I can actually imagine a scenario where they film an entire season of Survivor in Blythe, but that is a different story. Anyway, I guess that is why it wasn't my honeymoon and I hope they enjoyed it. Speaking with them later, we do know that they really had a good time on the cruise. I didn't have the heart to ask about Blythe.
While they were gone, we celebrated my dad's birthday on December 11 by going to our ward party. It was a lot of fun and the kids got to meet Santa Claus. Somehow, someone thought it would be a good idea to have the Bishopric be the wise men in the Christmas program. That someone was not me. After seeing his costume, I am pretty sure Bishop was not that someone either. Actually it was the lady who worked many hours on this program and did a fantastic job. However, she had to deal with the age old problem that many a person has had to deal with in putting together a nativity program. How do you costume a wiseman in stuff you have around the house while not having them look like shepherds? Not an easy thing to pull off. She did great. However she did warn us to try and find our own costumes otherwise she would come up with what she had. From the picture you can see the final result. I mean, I didn't come off too good, but I am not sure my figure would have looked good in much of anything. I am pretty sure the original wisemen were not dressed as we were. Not unless they were trying out for Real World: Jerusalem 1 A.D. I have to say that I had trouble containing my laughter when I saw Bishop in the striped moo-moo. But the bright pink...headwear?...I am not sure the picture does it justice. I have never seen his wife laugh so much. It was worth getting into my outfit just to see that.
So here we are today and the kids are officially out of school. Are we ready for Christmas? Not really, but we are a lot better off than we were 5 days ago. At that point I was on the border of panic. It is a lot better now. However, if I have to deal with one more Wal-Mart employee who deserves to be in their job as much as Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie, I will possibly be featured on the show Cops. But I have to admit that I love this time of year...most of the time. And now that school is out, it gets easier. I now have time to stop and reflect on how lucky I am to have such a wonderful family. Even if I do need a flow chart to explain them to someone. We hope each and everyone who reads this has a Merry Christmas and the best New Year.
P.S. I swear that I have never watched any of these shows that I have referenced in this post. My favorite sports columnist has a reality show problem and I have gleaned most of my knowledge of these shows from him. You will notice I didn't mention Joe Millionaire at all. Because then I would have had to admit that Shannon and I watched the finale of that show. I am pretty sure those brain cells still haven't recovered.
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