Offensive On So Many Levels And The Top 10 Things I Can Never Partake Of Again

I am not sure how this happened, but somehow our ward youth have developed a tradition that I am not sure I am totally down with. For the last three years, we have had a Clue dinner for one of our combined activities. The first year was no big deal because no one knew what to expect. So everyone was given parts and mine was to be the inspector who helped the thing keep moving. Well, since it was everyone's first time, there were points where it wasn't moving very well so I started using a ridiculous French accent (after all, my character's name was Inspector Clue So) and basically started making an idiot of myself. Well I don't know about other people's fake french accents, but mine hurts my voice after a little bit (this may be due to the excessive use of the dirty old man french laugh that accompanies my accent. You know the one I am talking about. The one where the laugh implies that I know what you were doing and you know what you were doing but it wouldn't be very appropriate to talk about in public so I just laugh in this obnoxious way so that everyone knows what you were doing without having to say it out loud...That's right, THAT laugh.) so I eventually started doing other accents that weren't so throat unfriendly. I got a couple of laughs and everyone seemed to have a good time.

Fast forward to the Young Mens/Young Womens planning meeting for the next year and the Clue Dinner is on the agenda again. It was the month after the Where's Waldo activity (see previous post from last year for more info) and it was beginning to feel like the youth advisors should start their own dinner theatre. However, as the time for part distribution came, I found myself a little excited. Kind of like Kramer in the Seinfeld where he does acting for the local medical students. I was excited to see what character I would taking on and to have an opportunity to expand my acting wings. So I get my assignment and it says...Inspect Clue So. WHAT? I seriously thought of pulling a Kramer and coming as one of the other characters, but in this instance that would not have worked out so well. Fortunately the night went off well (especially due to the portrayal of the Miss Scarlett character by Julie Palmer. It will be years before the ward forgets about that). But I did much the same thing with the different accents and pretty much felt like I was as funny as an episode of The Suite Life On Deck. (If you have not been subjected to this atrocity on the Disney Channel, consider yourself truly blessed.)

So now this year rolls around and we are scheduled for another Clue dinner. As it works out, it looks like I will be out of town and so I let Tommy, the YM president, know that they will have to get someone else for the inspector. He lets me know that they will just move the activity to a time when I can be there. Now I swear I am not writing this to pump myself up. I really do think I am about as cheesy as it gets, but I am happy to serve. However, I feel for the kids who have now seen my Inspector Clue So routine two years in a row. So I decide to change it up and come as Inspector Wow Ifat, a Chinese detective on vacation in rural Arizona. That's plausible right? Ok, at least as plausible as a French detective in rural Arizona.

So the night of the event comes and it is time to get the costume on. It ain't much, but I thought it wasn't too bad. I went with Chinese tourist vacation wear. The main thing would be to fully shave my head and get the right facial hair. So I went to Wal Mart and bought a black wig. Brought it home and hoped for the best with the glue options we would have.

I started getting ready. I gave myself plenty of time (40 minutes). Note to anyone out there looking at doing something similar. Elmer's Glue?...not really. Wouldn't stay attached. Unfortunately, it took roughly 20 minutes to figure that out. So, we move to Caro syrup. I mean it works on hair accessories for bald babies, surely it would work here. Not so much. Now my face, hands and fake hair are a sticky mess from the Elmer's and the Caro Syrup and I still have no facial hair. Which by the way, without the facial hair, I pretty much am a large white man in ridiculous clothes, trying to look like I am on vacation. Or in other words, I look like roughly 75 percent of the male population in Tampa. Also, it took another 10 minutes to figure out that the Caro syrup wouldn't work. Now I am really starting to panic. I run to the kitchen and grab the super glue I bought for Braden's model car and rush back to the bathroom. I hand it to Shannon and ask her to get it open while I fashion three more strands of hair since the others are thrashed.

Clearly at this point, I am beyond sanity. So when Shannon starts to read the warnings on the label, the conversation doesn't go well.

"It says not to have any contact with skin. It could cause a rash or major irritation."

"Could is the key word there. Do have any other options?"

"No, but I am not sure this is a great idea."

"Please just get it open, I am running out of time." (I may have not said please, that part is fuzzy)

"It says to wash immediately if any comes in contact with your skin and (I can't remember the sure form of death that was promised) if you get it in your eyes, nose or mouth."

"Yeah?"

"Um, this is going right under your nose and all around your mouth."

"STOP READING and just hand it to me."

"Are you sure?"

"YES!!!"

She reluctantly handed it over and I went for it. Fortunately I can report that it held and other than some watering of the eyes and a burning nose for a short time due to the fumes, it went fairly well. The final product looked like this...




The evening was fun and hopefully everyone had a good time. I spoke in a 1920s Hollywood Chinese accent all night and was far from hilarious, but I think the outfit at least made people chuckle. I am sure the whole routine would fall under the heading of politically incorrect. Thank heavens it is Thatcher and not Berkeley.

One of the other things I did to try and change it up from years past was to include movie quotes that if identified correctly would give a team a clue prior to the start of the game. I didn't want them to be too easy so I thought I would try and do 80's movies. Did anyone else realize just how inappropriate most of the iconic movies of the 80s really are? As I started going through my list of favorite quotes from high school, I was like, "Nope, can't use that one. What about from Fletch, there are some funny ones there...no can't use that one. Ben Dover? No, probably not. Wait, wait, isn't there a good one from...Nooo I probably shouldn't use anything that would imply I recommend that movie either." It was very discouraging.

Right or wrong, it got me thinking about the things from my youth that I loved at the time but now can not have anything to do with as a respectable, God-fearing adult with children. So I decided to list my Top Ten Favorite Entertainment Offerings I Can Never Enjoy Again. See if any of these are familiar to you. Here they are:

10. Friday The 13th: The Series - Now this does not have anything to do with Jason or a hockey mask. This was a little known syndicated series from the late 80s that had bad acting (I am pretty sure I have never seen any of the actors from that show in anything else...ever!), low budget (if any) and a pretty interesting concept. The devil had made a deal with an antique dealer to sell cursed objects. I am pretty hazy how the deal ended, but bottom line, antique dealer died and his niece and nephew (who are good) are tasked with tracking down the cursed items and getting them back before they can cause any further harm.

I came across this show one Friday night when I was in high school and somehow ended up home alone. The object was a cursed Amish quilt that would make the dreams of the person sleeping under it come true. All well and good except that someone had to die every time it was used. I watched in morbid fascination (a mixture of this is really badly produced and a curiosity of where the story was going) until I got to the end and it was continued...AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!! So I tuned in the next week and ended up getting addicted to this mess for about six months. Looking back, it was a complete waste of a good hour each week and from a parents point of view, demonic possession of items, horror type scenarios...yeah I would never let my kids watch this. Which is why I was probably pretty vague with my mom about this show. The funny thing about this is, even if I were tempted to try and watch it again, I know for a fact it is not available. The DVD it would be burned on would probably cost more than this show did to produce.

9. Centerfold, J. Giels Band - Ok, before everyone starts thinking terrible things about me, I need to explain this one. This song came out prior to my musical prime. I was pretty young and never really heard the song in its entirety while it was on the charts. But who didn't know the tune? Everybody knew the tune. So when I got into high school, we played it in our pep band. I never really had a lot of good band experiences, but I loved pep band. I love the sound of a band in a sports setting playing songs you can dance to and this one was one of the best. I mean, that iconic tune is awesome. So it wasn't until college that I finally heard the words to this song. Wow, not good. Needless to say it has been off the acceptable list for a while. But if you are being fair, you have to admit that the music without the words would be an awesome addition to your ipod.

8. Crimson Tide - One of my all time favorite movies is The Hunt For Red October. So when I was working at the theatre after high school and this movie trailer came, I was giddy with excitement. However, it hadn't been rated yet. I had a nagging feeling it would be R, but I prayed...ok not really prayed but darn close, that it would be PG 13. When it finally was announced that it was R rated, I screamed in agony. I was dating Shannon at the time and she can attest that I actually did scream. To be honest, I never saw the original version. I only saw the television version and loved it. But obviously I can't see that any time I want nor can I purchase the movie and so Gene and Denzell have drifted off to a place I can no longer go.

7. Most Prince Songs - When I was in junior high or early high school, I liked several Prince songs and some are just fine. However, as an adult, I have realized what he was saying in many of his songs and they are in fact...NOT fine. I got my first inkling about the appropriateness of Prince when I was a freshman. For those in the Gila Valley, remember when you could go to Richard's Music and purchase any 45 record from the Billboard top 100? My brother was way into that and so I would get one every once in a while as well. One time, I had just heard a new Prince song called, "You Got The Look". It was pretty cool. So our next time at Richard's, I bought it. The 45 case had the words to the song written on it. Being ever so naive, I started to read them out loud in the back seat of the car as we were headed to our next errand. We arrived before I finished and my mom went into wherever she was going. My brother turned around from the front seat and said, "You better not read all those out loud or mom will make you take it back." Hmm. I really liked the song so I didn't say anymore but I always took Prince songs with a grain of salt after that. Even today, I will hear a song by Prince in passing and I am pretty sure there is some meaning that I am not getting and it is probably for the best. However, I still love the song Kiss by Prince and he did write one of the songs that would be included in the Honorable Mention secion of my list of Favorite Songs Of All Time, Nothing Compares To You. However, most songs from the Artist Formerly Known As A Symbol have to go on the songs formerly listened to by Ryan Rapier list. (I would probably still listen to Raspberry Beret as well, but Shannon despises that song and I don't like it enough to pick a fight with her over it.)

6. Summer School (and most other 80s teen movies) - The truth is, most of these movies got a PG 13 rating, but the innuendo from 80s movies just astounds me today. How did I not see this at the time? Or maybe I did, but didn't fully understand or have just forgotten. No the truth is I didn't forget. I remember that Summer School was hilarious, but I watched it at a friends house and remember thinking, "Make sure not to watch this one with the parents." However, I still get a chuckle thinking about the very large black guy that takes the bathroom pass 10 minutes into the first day and then doesn't show up again until the final exam...but he does bring the bathroom pass back with him. Don't know why I think that is so funny, but I do.

5. European Vacation - This movie could fit in with the movies in the previous slot, but gets its own mention for a couple of reasons. One, it wasn't really a teen movie and two I laughed a lot more during this movie than most teen movies. Now again, my initial exposure to the movie was an edited version that my friend Jared brought home with him from summer vacation in Utah. Let me clarify, it edited out the nudity. That's about it, because if they had edited out all the inappropriate innuendo, they likely would have ended up with a half hour sitcom. But it has its share of movie quotes that I think of all the time.

"Look Kids, Big Ben, Parliament...Dang it, I can't get left...Look Kids, Big Ben, Parliament...AAAHHH, I can't get left on this roudabout...Look Kids,"

"We know, Big Ben, Parliament."

or

As they pull into Germany in their rental car. Clark leans out the window and says with a catch in his voice, "Ahh my mother's land."

"Isn't Grandma from Chicago."

Still in his emotional voice, "Shut up Russ."

or my favorite movie moment

When Rusty tells Clark while they are on the Eiffel Tower that he hates the berets he bought the whole family with their names on them. So Clark throws it off the tower and the dog in the lady's arms next to them jumps after it to "fetch" it. If you watch close, the dog does catch it half way down.

4. Die Hard - The original with Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman was just about the best action movie ever. Alas, it contained about 50 F words among other colorful language and violence. You know this movie has to be left behind when the catch phrase for the hero contains the F word in it. In some ways this movie helps me now to be better with my movie selections. Most action movies do not measure up to this one or even come close. So if I can't watch this one, I don't have that much desire to watch any others that pale in comparison.

3. Baby Got Back - Don't lie. If you went to high school or college in the early 90s and you heard those two stuck up valley girls start talking, you practically ran to get your spot on the dance floor so you could shake your thang. This was one of the best dance songs ever! But I declare that I did not clearly listen to the words closely. Because when we first moved back to Thatcher five years ago, I convinced Shannon to let me get Satellite Radio. Not long after that, this song came on one of the stations and I was literally shocked at the words. It was one of the few times that my mouth literally fell open subconsciously. Needless to say, this song is not on my ipod or allowed anywhere in my house. (This reminds me of the time that I heard Christina Aguillera's Candy Man on a TV commercial. I love Big Band music and so I downloaded it. Needless to say, the TV commercial left out some parts I should have heard before I downloaded it. To think I had originally got it because I thought it would be a cute song for a wedding video. Yeahhhh, not so much.)

2. Planes, Trains and Automobiles - I went back and forth on the the top two because all the others I don't miss at all. But these two movies really are funny and right or wrong, I miss them. This movie has the only scene that made me quite literally cry with laughter for about 10 minutes. It is when Steve Martin has been "helped" up outside the rental car area of the airport and then he and John Candy are in the car right after that while Steve Martin's character is still feeling the effects of the "help". The voice he makes just absolutely kills me. Quite a few of you will have never seen what I am talking about and when they show it on TV, they generally cut so much to get in commercials that they ruin this scene. But you will just have to take my word on it. What makes me the most angry is that this movie would be rated PG 13 if it weren't for one scene where Steve Martin drops the F bomb about 15 times. Unnecessary scene that could have been left out. Oh well. Favorite quotes:

"Del, where is your other hand?"

"Between two pillows."

"THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!!!!"

or

"You are like a Chatty Cathy doll that pulls her own string. YAHH, YAHH, YAHHHH"

or

"You are going the wrong way!"

"They are drunk, how would they know where we are going."

or

"Sorry about the beer that spilled all over your side of the bed. Who knew a vibrating bed would do that to a six pack?"

1. Major League - I am sorry, I know this is an admission of my failure as human being but this movie is one of my favorites. And the sad part is, this movie is not as funny without the swearing. It would be like Gus saying "Heck No" on Psych. It just doesn't work. And some of the best jokes, while not sexually motivated, just aren't appropriate like the manager's reaction when Corbin Bersen points out the clause in his contract that says he doesn't have to do anything non-baseball related. I can see them all in my head right now. Willie Mays Hayes sliding into second base and coming up two feet short; the exchanges between the catcher and the hitters; Charlie Sheen saying he feels like a banker when they go to a fancy restaurant and he is sitting there in a shirt, tie and jacket that have had the sleeves ripped off. So many funny lines. The best though is Bob Eucker. His announcing the games is off the charts. When Charlie Sheen throws four feet behind a batter, "JUUUUUUST A Bit Outside." I suppose my draw to this movie is like on Frasier when Bebe talks about how wonderful smoking is. She describes the whole thing in great detail to the point that even those who have never smoked are now intrigued. I won't watch this movie again. But I really want to. Oh well.

This post is already 5 times too long, but today is my wonderful wife's birthday. She used to love birthdays, now she wishes we would forget they exist. I won't say how old she is, but I will say, Happy Birthday Shannon. I love you very much and there is no other person two years younger than me that I would want more. And I am 37. (PS: There is no one of any other age that I would want more either. Just clarifying.) (PSS: I finished this post on October 19, which is Shannon's b-day, not October 15, which is the date that it shows this was posted.)