Several months ago, my mother received a pretty devastating cancer diagnosis. As any family would do, we held out hope that treatment and faith would allow her to beat this. Unfortunately, following some follow-up visits this week, it does not appear that that will be the case. As I try to process what this means for me and my family, I am not dealing with shock or anger. I have felt from the first time we found this out that it would probably take this path. However, today as most options have been explored, I find my self seeing things that I am already missing in my future. Maybe this is my way of dealing with emotions that I can't yet bring myself to express outwardly, or maybe I just feel like expressing something that I can look back on and remember at a later date. Either way, below is my list of things that I regret will never happen because of our family's situation:
1. Kate will never know her grandmother. Unfortunately, Kate will also never know her grandfather Claridge and the knowledge and wisdom lost to her from these two individuals is vast.
2. Logan will likely not remember her. I can count on one hand the things I can remember from when I was three. They are not deep in depth memories.
3. My parents will not get to celebrate a 50th anniversary. I know this is pretty unimportant, but today it is important to me.
4. My kids will not get to experience fun outings to Duncan where my mom teaches them crafts and sewing and gardening. This has been a highlight for them.
5. My mom will not get to see Abby get married. I realize this applies to all my kids, but for so many events already in Abby's life, my mom has handmade clothes and items for Abby including her blessing dress and a dress up wedding dress when she was 4 or 5. We had some photos taken of her in that dress that I think we all anticipate will be used at her wedding. I know my mom would have made something special for that occasion.
6. My parents won't get to serve a mission. This had been a dream of theirs or at least hers for as long as I can remember.
7. I won't get to visit England with my mom. She has always wanted to visit and then when I served my mission there, it became a goal to see it together.
I recognize that the above list is a bit of a pity party. I have been blessed with experiences with my mom that many others never get. I realize this. I am thankful for this. But today, it is hard not to think of the things we will miss out on. The greatest of which is:
8. When I need a hug only a mom can give, a memory will have to suffice. It will until I see her again, but I wish it didn't have to.
I love you mom.
I know your parents realize this but...they have an amazing son. I hope someday my son and I share the bond you and your Mom do. Unfortunately, I can relate to what you have voiced about regrets due to the temporary absence of a parent. I know this doesn't really bring you much comfort. But I love you.
ReplyDelete~ Danae
Ryan, thank you for this post. I know it must not have been easy to write, but I appreciate it nonetheless. It made me realize how delicate life is and we need to cherish every moment we have with loved ones. Your words brought tears to my eyes. I admire your outlook on the situation and wish I could share words of comfort somehow. Just know that we love you guys & are here for you if you need us.
ReplyDelete~Martha