Mini Posts

Before we hit the holidays and the flurry of posts that will surely come out of that, I thought I would get down some of the items that happen or thoughts that occur that don't warrant a full post, but should be saved for posterity in one form or another. So today, we have mini posts or if you would rather think of them this way, Random Thoughts. Here we go:

Loganisms

Anyone with children will look back and remember when they were in that stage between diapers and a child's complete autonomy in the bathroom. You know what I am talking about. That stage where you are glad you don't have to deal with diapers anymore, but you close your eyes and sigh when you hear that little voice call you from the bathroom, "Dad/Mom, I'm dooone." That is where Logan is right now. However, Shannon has trained him well. Just before I left for work the other day, I heard the familiar, "Mooom" followed by "Bring the Matches."

Logan had a couple of pretty late nights this last weekend and so when he went to bed on Saturday night, the boy slept hard. Sunday morning he came in and said, "Dad, my clothes turned wet in the night." I asked him if he had gone potty in his bed and he said, "No, my clothes just turned wet." Now who among us has not had to deal with that pesky instantaneous condensation on our clothes in the middle of the night.

Shannon Masters Another Skill

After having Kate, Danae lent Shannon this amazing device that covers her while breastfeeding (appropriate blog topic??? Not Sure, I will proceed cautiously) while not smothering the baby like a regular blanket. Shannon loved it so much she wanted to give them away to every expectant mother she knows. However, the cost was not in her baby shower gift budget. So, my mother showed her how to sew these contraptions and then for Shannon's birthday, gave her a sewing machine. Pretty cool! So now we only have half a kitchen table, but the kids will be styling at Halloween with custom made trick or treat bags sewn by their incredible mother.

The Death of Rotary

Because of my position at the hospital, I was recently invited to attend a Rotary meeting. I am positive that when I walked into the room, I brought the median age down by at least five years. Anyway, following this meeting, I was invited to join. Clearly you would think this would be an easy answer of "HELL NO" (I thank my new sister-in-law Danica for teaching me the art of using the H word. I still won't speak it out loud, but prior to her joining our family, I probably would not have used it in the written form either. However, when it comes to joining Rotary, I don't know if there is strong enough language to voice my opposition. Anyway, I digress) but the person inviting me was the hospital District Board President. Also the CEO and CNO are both members. I begged off by explaining we had just had a new baby and it wouldn't be fair to place additional burdens on my wife by taking time for Rotary. (Thanks for taking one for the team babe.) At the same time, I do a presentation to all new hires about communication between different generations. One of the things mentioned in the presentation is that groups like Rotary are in severe trouble because of their inability to attract younger members. It made me reflect on what it is that my generation does that has taken the place of a Rotary like group. I realized we are right here. We are on-line. Facebook is the new Rotary, or else my fantasy football league or whatever. You get my point. With this new medium, I can attend my "Rotary meeting" while holding a baby on my lap or playing fetch with my toddler...uh, I mean dog. Because no one would play fetch with an actual child...Right? That's just crazy talk. Unless someone else actually does this...Anyone, Anyone. I didn't think so, that is why I don't either. Moving on. (Since I have talked myself into a corner and am not sure of the point I was trying to make, we will now skip to the next topic.)

Bathroom Floor Update

While we have not seen 100% success, we have seen definite improvement. Sure would have liked 100% success. Will live with improvement.

Missing The Claridges

By this point, I thought our family would have gotten over the withdrawals of having had Cody and Danica move away from us. It hasn't happened. My kids received e-mails from Danica the other day and it was bigger than the 4th of July (Actually Braden and Logan hate the 4th and fireworks in general. Bad analogy. Oh well, I think the point is there). Shannon and I truly miss visiting with them and playing games. We are avid game players and Cody and Danica were great sports about coming and playing with us after our kids were in bed. Danica also brings a cutthroat approach not normally seen in Shannon's family but is quite common on my side. I think I almost cried the first time she stabbed me in the back during a game. I was so happy. Now our lives are a little empty with their absence. We hope they are doing well in the big city and we hope they know how much we love and miss them.

Stranger In A Strange Land

I want to express my gratitude to all of the females who are friends and family that make up our little blogging world. I enjoy reading and taking part. However, it has not escaped me that there are not many men involved in this new ritual. I appreciate you letting me be a part of the "family" of bloggers. I don't know why, but I have always loved writing. I am much more expressive in this medium (Because you all know what a wall flower I am in real life) and will read obsessively about anything. (That is why I am and always will be the Trivial Pursuit king. Anyone thinking differently, bring it on.) So I appreciate your indulgence and not asking, "Who is this guy and what is he doing in our female dominated arena?" You may be thinking it, but thank you for not saying it.

In a related note, I am obsessive about spelling in our blog. I will have a Word document open to spell words I am unsure of. I blame this on the fact that Ms. Joyce Flamm is a volunteer here at the hospital. Seeing her and feeling her presence makes having a misspelled word just not an option. I secretly believe she would find out about it and mark our blog down one letter grade.

Gray Anatomy

Has anyone else found gray hair yet? Wow, that sucks. I don't know if Mike Bradley reads this or not, but I know he has discovered plenty, but they are mostly in his beard. I, on the other hand, am a little perplexed as to why this bothers me so much. I don't really have any hair to speak of. So when what I do have grows out to about a quarter of an inch and I spot a few gray hairs, (Actually that would be Shannon, who for whatever reason takes great pleasure in pointing them out to me), I really shouldn't be that bothered. The baldness is really the bigger issue. But I guess that phenomenon has been around for so long that I have long ago accepted that fate. It just is another reminder that while I am not OLD, I am certainly not in the young range anymore either. I was talking with the teachers' quorum I work with about how excited I was for the new Indiana Jones movie. I asked them if they were excited and one of them thought for a moment and said, "Yeah, I think I saw one of those on TV once." My death clock started ticking at that moment when I realized that not one of those boys had been born when the THIRD movie was released in 1989. Bring on the gray hair, I am half way dead anyway.

I look forward to posting Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas items in the near future and look forward to reading about all of yours.

Don't Ever Ask How Bad Can It Get

I will be honest, I really don't have anything new to talk about. That is probably not the best way to start a blog posting, but it is reality. However, something happened yesterday that has caused me to dredge up things from the past that others may or may not find interesting. Shannon and I traveled to the temple in Mesa this weekend and visited with Danae and Lamar. We had a great time and then the next morning, I went to the temple while Shannon stayed home, slept and took care of Kate. Following my temple visit, I had to stop in at Staples. Next to the Staples I went to is an Old Navy and as I drove by, I noticed a line of people waiting to get in. So after Staples, I stopped and went in. Long story short, they were having a really good sale and I got 5 shirts for $5. When I got back to pick up Shannon, I gushed about how good the sale I had just found was and realized that right then, I had lost a bit of manhood I could never get back. It's ok, I feel I still have plenty, but getting super excited over a sale is not something I would brag about at the next March Madness night at Buffalo Wild Wings with the guys. I then pondered, what are the ten things that probably should be my most embarrassing moments. (I should point out that during my post mission college days, I painted my face and yelled non stop during EAC basketball games into a megaphone. Embarrassment just doesn't come easy for me.) The ten are as follows:

10. I crawled into a rack of clothes when I was 4 and peed on the floor of a clothing store. What is sad is that I honestly believed that some how the invisible wall of the clothing rack would somehow keep the pee in place and was horrified when it kept running out onto the main walkway. It should be said that I wasn't as horrified as my aunt who was watching me that day who felt compelled to buy a blouse she didn't even want. She, from then on, referred to this shirt as her Ryan shirt. I wonder how many years it took for that to become funny for her. I love and miss you Aunt Evelyn.

9. I was supposed to sing in Church on Mother's Day when I was about 11. On the way to get the microphone, I tripped and knocked myself out on the sacrament table. I never did get to sing that song. That's ok, I gave Duncan Ward something far more memorable. To verify that, if anyone knows one of the Payne sisters, (Jennifer, Marsha, Amy and Cami) just ask them and they will be able to recount the story to you as well from an onlooker's perspective.

8. I probably should be more embarrassed that I am embarrassed about this than anything, but when Abby was a newborn, we went to pick up Spencer and Martha at the airport. I was carrying her against my chest and after a while smelt something funny. I looked down and child droppings were all over my shirt and the baby. Shannon took her and went into the airport restroom to change her. Anyone who knew or knows my oldest daughter knows that she is the loudest individual on earth and has been from day one. She proceeded to scream like I have never heard a child scream before in my life. The Biglers and I were outside the bathroom and it sounded like she was screaming in our ear. I can honestly say that is one of the only times I felt like I didn't want anyone to know that that child belonged to me. I now know what my mother was talking about when she described her reaction to the above paragraph #9.

7. Due to my last post, Mike Bradley and I have been remembering that cool night in Pima, Arizona when we were standing in line to get into the Thatcher/Pima football game with Becky Phillips and Shannon. As we were waiting, we were discussing the failings of the Pima school system. The example we were focusing on was that week, Thatcher had done their little annoying tradition of wishing luck to the football team with styrofoam cups in the fence wishing them well. Someone from Pima had come along and changed to read "Pima is 1#". I then proceeded to mock them by pretending to be a member of the Pima student body and yelled the words, "Pima is one number, Penis". I didn't mean to say Penis, it just happened. All the letters jumbled in my head and out came the wrong combination. When I said it, I just stopped dead. Some around us gave us less than flattering looks. Not my best moment.

6. Putting all of this information on the internet.

5. I asked out a girl on the Thatcher tennis team when I was a senior in high school. I had pretty bad crush on her. She said yes, but I am pretty sure she didn't mean it. The reason I believe this is, we never went on that date. Come to think of it, I really am horrified by that one still.

4. During a timeout at an EAC basketball game during the era of my facepainting and megaphone yelling days, the DJ played the song Tootsie Roll. An African American referee proceeded to feel the rhythm and move with the beat. Not thinking at all, I yelled (unfortunately into the megaphone) "come on ref, let us see your tootsie roll." Preston Bigler has never let me forget that one.

3. Getting a bad address on your mission is nothing new, but the time when I had only been out a month and got put with a companion who was also only a month out has to take the cake. We received a call back for a specific address. When we arrived at that address, every other home on that street was intact and fine looking. The home we were to visit was a large pile of bricks. The truly embarrassing thing was that we walked around in bewilderment for 15 minutes trying to see if there was something we had missed before we realized we had been had.

2. I cry when I watch Notting Hill, Pride and Prejudice and Sabrina. Stupid movies

1. I once fell completely on the ground and cackled like a girl in front of hundreds of people at a 24th of July celebration in Thatcher. The true shame of this is that my wife would literally kill me if I tell you why I was laughing, but suffice it to say, I still feel no shame over laughing the way I did. Those who know "The Kyle McCain story", take a moment and chuckle. I still do every time I think of it. It drives Shannon crazy.

I share all of these things on this blog because they are not recorded anywhere else. Somehow, I can't bring myself to put them in a journal because journals are special places where we record our deep feelings, emotions and spiritual experiences, not this. However, Shannon said she is going to print these off for our records and some of these need to be written down because they are some of the best memories I have had or will ever have. A lighthearted blog read by a few family and friends allows them to be recorded and hopefully those who were there will have smiling "I had forgotten that" moment. I hope I have not bored you too much or left you thinking that you have just spent 5 minutes you can never get back.

"Supermodel HAH! There is nothing Super about them." -Edna Mode

I want to make something very clear at the beginning of this post. I do have some self-awareness. Only some, but it is there. Having established that, I recognize that I have an issue with having an idea or thought that makes complete and total sense in my head. I think about it and let it stew and it just seems to make more and more sense the more I think about. However, when I start to put voice to these ideas or put them down on...a blog for instance, connections that seemed so clear in my brain are stunningly not that connected. I know what I am getting at, but the looks of utter confusion on the faces of my audience tell me that I am all alone in the understanding department. At this point, I will then start to fill in the holes for people which can lead to weird and somewhat even more bizarre statements that do nothing except make it worse. This is the kind of phenomenon that once led me to the following outcome in a job interview: "How important is it for you to get along with others?" This question caused my overanalytical mind to shift into overdrive. My first thought was he wants to know if I get a long with others. I then started to answer the question with that thought in mind. Halfway through my answer I thought, "Wait, he may be wondering if I am a pushover and will say or do anything just to get along." This thought caused me to shift mid sentence into a whole different answer. At that point I realized just how diametrically opposed my two sides of one answer were and so I started trying to bridge the gap between them. At this point, I looked at my interviewers (panel of 4) and realized they were all giving me the "We are trying to look like we are with you but what in the absolute hell are you talking about?" look. All of this put together caused my mind to say "ABORT, ABORT" and I finished my answer with the phrase, "Well I certainly wouldn't stick a fork in someone's eye if I didn't have to." I did, I really said it. It actually was in the interview for the job I currently have and so apparently it went well other than this portion I just described. In fact, that answer has become sort of a joke between me and the people who interviewed me. But it does illustrate my point. For that matter so does this paragraph. Look how long this post is and I haven't even started writing about what I intended to write about. Suffice it to say, read on at your own risk. I wash my hands of any responsibility for what might be said.

Shannon and I were having a conversation the other night and she asked me the ultimate loaded question. "Do men really find supermodels with stick thin bodies that look like little boys attractive or do they prefer curves?" What do you say to that? I wanted my answer to reflect that what I was saying truly is real and that I wasn't giving an answer designed to make her feel good but might not be the truth. So I started carefully down the path that I had selected. I said, "Sweetheart, have you ever noticed that men's magazines rarely have stick thin supermodels on the front?" As soon as I said it, my mind said immediately, "It's true, Fantasy Football must truly lower your IQ by at least 100 points. Why would you possibly walk into the minefield you just did by your own choice?" I had breached an untalked about area that is left untalked about by both sides for obvious reasons. Both Shannon and I are aware that men's magazines exist. However, I choose to pretend they don't exist. Shannon pretends to believe that I don't know they exist and we live very happy lives. So by making my comment, I had now blown a deep breath towards our fantasy house of cards where men's magazines all deal with the latest trout fishing debates and gardening tips for the florally challenged. I waited with baited breath to see what laser guided missle was now going to head my way. I can report that my wife is awesome, she handled it by saying, "....I guess you are right." End of discussion. I think I then mentioned something about what she wanted for her birthday or something like that and was ever so glad to be moving on to a topic non-men magazine related. (#1. I should flush this whole paragraph. I warned you.) (#2. On the off chance someone is reading this and believing it to be 100% gospel, some aspects have been enhanced er...exagerated for humorous effect. If you aren't laughing, the effect has clearly fallen flat.)

I have left the above paragraph in to give you the background as to why I would be thinking about supermodels, or rather the word supermodel. (I know as Shannon is reading this, she is shaking her head with her eyes closed. All I can say is that she was there when I shouted out the word Penis (accidently, maybe a different post at a different time) in front of everyone waiting in line to get into the Thatcher-Pima football game. She had to know moments like this were going to happen.) What I came away with is the word supermodel is totally misused. I would like to describe for you what a supermodel I know has done in just the last week. Here goes:

1. Cleaned poop out of a three year old's underwear not once, but twice.

2. Endured a dog bite that brought blood while playing with "the kid's" dog because he doesn't get enough play time from the kids.

3. Gets up every morning between 3 and 4 to nurse a baby that has decided she doesn't want the mantra of best baby ever and yet still gets two kids out the door by 7:30 every morning.

4. Took a sick three year old to the doctor with a screaming baby and then had to carry said three year old across the lobby of the doctor's office while he is throwing up and the baby continues to scream.

5. Sowed buttons on my shirts because I am too undomesticated to do it myself.

6. Learned how to use a sowing machine.

7. Interrupted her morning routine to take my mom to her chemotherapy appointment.

8. Exercises every morning.

9. Does everything short of placing tasers on the chests of our children to get them through homework, chores and baths everyday. (Those with children will recognize the absense of malice with the taser comment if you have ever had to try and get all of that done with a 9, 6 and 3 year old.)

Finally, she has done all of this and only asked once for me to pick up pizza for dinner.

As my supermodel turns 33 this Sunday. I want the world to know (the 5 or 6 people who read this blog will have to suffice) that I am the most blessed man on the face of the earth. My wife rocks and she has more super in her little finger than any other supermodel has in her entire body (at least the body portions that are real.) I love you Sweetheart. Happy Birthday!

The Divinity of Voter Fraud

I apologize again for a quick aside on a normally personal family blog, but I had a thought I wanted to share and request feedback in case I am missing something.

Right after the selection of Sarah Palin and her convention speech in which she somewhat ridiculed Obama's time as a community organizer, we started to get celebrities, Democrat strategists and even a congressman who stated, "Jesus was a community organizer, Pontius Pilate was a governor." We will not even touch the ironic, comedic goldmine this represents. Suffice it to say that a number of people saying this had probably not set foot in a church in decades and represent some of the most amoral among us. We will choose to focus on the statement itself.

Obama's days as a community organizer were spent with a group called ACORN. This is an organization that has numerous get out the vote drives among democrats and also was highly influential in securing loans for african americans who did not have credit scores or finances that would translate into a traditional mortgage. If ACORN sounds familiar, it is because they have had several offices around the country raided by federal officers in recent days. Among some of the items found were numerous voter registrations that are clearly bogus. For instance, the entire roster for the Dallas Cowboys is registered to vote in Nevada. I am not suggesting that the entire roster of the Dallas Cowboys doesn't spend a great amount of time in Nevada, but I would question the validity of residency.

This brings me to the question: When did Jesus participate in a voter drive? I don't recall the bible story about Jesus getting the entire roster for the Nazareth Goatherders signed up as voters in Jerusalem's all important passover election. I recall Jesus healing people but not hooking them up with the Salim, the greasy mortgage broker who specializes in great home flipping opportunities in Samaria.

I have noticed that we don't hear much about the community organizer aspect of Obama's past anymore. I also notice the phrase about Jesus being a community organizer has completely disappeared. I wonder why that is? It seemed like such a cute little phrase when it came out. I suppose the weight of substance behind the Savior's ministry compared to the illegal sewage in which ACORN swims in everyday made the comparison look like the sacreligious garbage that it was.

The Joy of Raising Kids

So many wonderful blessings come from being a parent. There is nothing like the sound of your baby's first cry or when they hold onto your finger tightly for the first time. So many wonderful moments. However, I don't know that anything would be more memorable than the first time a child remembers to pick up their clothes off the bathroom floor. I can't say where that would fit on the list of all time moments because we are still waiting for it. With that in mind, I describe our latest attempt to rectify this most annoying problem.

Abby is 9 years old. She can remember what I said a week ago if it has to do with her getting money or being able to invite a friend over. However, if it has to do with a chore that requires effort, I will be lucky if she remembers the beginning of the sentence by the time I reach the end. For over a year and a half, Abby has taken a shower in our bathroom and for a year and a half she has left her clothes on the bathroom floor and not remembered to pick them up. As a side note I would also say that she has never remembered to get her own towel and therefore uses mine, takes it with her into her bedroom and leaves it on her floor. This leads to me getting out of the shower the next morning and having no towel either and doing everything within my power not to curse as I get a towel. (I suppose I could see how some might say I am no better than my daughter having not learned to expect this in over a year and a half, but that would take away my righteous indignation and therefore will not be taken into consideration whatsoever.) We have tried threatening the loss of more things than I can count. We have threatened grounding. I think death was even mentioned once or twice. Nothing has had an effect at all.

I believe tonight, we may have found the answer. I brought Abby in with me and Shannon and explained that yet again her clothes were on our bathroom floor. I then explained that she is nine years old and therefore has several privileges that she did not have when she was younger. One of those privileges is to select her wardrobe each day as she goes to school. I explained that each night that we find her clothes on our floor, the next morning, Shannon would select her clothing for school and she would have no choice but to wear it. I cannot begin to describe the look of puzzlement and then shock as this new reality sunk in. She leaned in close to me and said, "Mom will pick clothes that match. I wear different shades of colors that I think match but she doesn't." I said, "That is correct." From the look on her face, I believe we may have a winner. I don't know yet and only time will tell, but I have never seen that much concern on her face before. Here is to hoping.

Also, I realize conference should never be a side note, but I have to say that conference was absolutely incredible. I want The Ensign to arrive tomorrow so I can recap some of the messages that so inspired me. As we all strive to better ourselves, I am so grateful for the messages I heard that help me to recommit and hopefully improve who I am.