Don't Ever Ask How Bad Can It Get

I will be honest, I really don't have anything new to talk about. That is probably not the best way to start a blog posting, but it is reality. However, something happened yesterday that has caused me to dredge up things from the past that others may or may not find interesting. Shannon and I traveled to the temple in Mesa this weekend and visited with Danae and Lamar. We had a great time and then the next morning, I went to the temple while Shannon stayed home, slept and took care of Kate. Following my temple visit, I had to stop in at Staples. Next to the Staples I went to is an Old Navy and as I drove by, I noticed a line of people waiting to get in. So after Staples, I stopped and went in. Long story short, they were having a really good sale and I got 5 shirts for $5. When I got back to pick up Shannon, I gushed about how good the sale I had just found was and realized that right then, I had lost a bit of manhood I could never get back. It's ok, I feel I still have plenty, but getting super excited over a sale is not something I would brag about at the next March Madness night at Buffalo Wild Wings with the guys. I then pondered, what are the ten things that probably should be my most embarrassing moments. (I should point out that during my post mission college days, I painted my face and yelled non stop during EAC basketball games into a megaphone. Embarrassment just doesn't come easy for me.) The ten are as follows:

10. I crawled into a rack of clothes when I was 4 and peed on the floor of a clothing store. What is sad is that I honestly believed that some how the invisible wall of the clothing rack would somehow keep the pee in place and was horrified when it kept running out onto the main walkway. It should be said that I wasn't as horrified as my aunt who was watching me that day who felt compelled to buy a blouse she didn't even want. She, from then on, referred to this shirt as her Ryan shirt. I wonder how many years it took for that to become funny for her. I love and miss you Aunt Evelyn.

9. I was supposed to sing in Church on Mother's Day when I was about 11. On the way to get the microphone, I tripped and knocked myself out on the sacrament table. I never did get to sing that song. That's ok, I gave Duncan Ward something far more memorable. To verify that, if anyone knows one of the Payne sisters, (Jennifer, Marsha, Amy and Cami) just ask them and they will be able to recount the story to you as well from an onlooker's perspective.

8. I probably should be more embarrassed that I am embarrassed about this than anything, but when Abby was a newborn, we went to pick up Spencer and Martha at the airport. I was carrying her against my chest and after a while smelt something funny. I looked down and child droppings were all over my shirt and the baby. Shannon took her and went into the airport restroom to change her. Anyone who knew or knows my oldest daughter knows that she is the loudest individual on earth and has been from day one. She proceeded to scream like I have never heard a child scream before in my life. The Biglers and I were outside the bathroom and it sounded like she was screaming in our ear. I can honestly say that is one of the only times I felt like I didn't want anyone to know that that child belonged to me. I now know what my mother was talking about when she described her reaction to the above paragraph #9.

7. Due to my last post, Mike Bradley and I have been remembering that cool night in Pima, Arizona when we were standing in line to get into the Thatcher/Pima football game with Becky Phillips and Shannon. As we were waiting, we were discussing the failings of the Pima school system. The example we were focusing on was that week, Thatcher had done their little annoying tradition of wishing luck to the football team with styrofoam cups in the fence wishing them well. Someone from Pima had come along and changed to read "Pima is 1#". I then proceeded to mock them by pretending to be a member of the Pima student body and yelled the words, "Pima is one number, Penis". I didn't mean to say Penis, it just happened. All the letters jumbled in my head and out came the wrong combination. When I said it, I just stopped dead. Some around us gave us less than flattering looks. Not my best moment.

6. Putting all of this information on the internet.

5. I asked out a girl on the Thatcher tennis team when I was a senior in high school. I had pretty bad crush on her. She said yes, but I am pretty sure she didn't mean it. The reason I believe this is, we never went on that date. Come to think of it, I really am horrified by that one still.

4. During a timeout at an EAC basketball game during the era of my facepainting and megaphone yelling days, the DJ played the song Tootsie Roll. An African American referee proceeded to feel the rhythm and move with the beat. Not thinking at all, I yelled (unfortunately into the megaphone) "come on ref, let us see your tootsie roll." Preston Bigler has never let me forget that one.

3. Getting a bad address on your mission is nothing new, but the time when I had only been out a month and got put with a companion who was also only a month out has to take the cake. We received a call back for a specific address. When we arrived at that address, every other home on that street was intact and fine looking. The home we were to visit was a large pile of bricks. The truly embarrassing thing was that we walked around in bewilderment for 15 minutes trying to see if there was something we had missed before we realized we had been had.

2. I cry when I watch Notting Hill, Pride and Prejudice and Sabrina. Stupid movies

1. I once fell completely on the ground and cackled like a girl in front of hundreds of people at a 24th of July celebration in Thatcher. The true shame of this is that my wife would literally kill me if I tell you why I was laughing, but suffice it to say, I still feel no shame over laughing the way I did. Those who know "The Kyle McCain story", take a moment and chuckle. I still do every time I think of it. It drives Shannon crazy.

I share all of these things on this blog because they are not recorded anywhere else. Somehow, I can't bring myself to put them in a journal because journals are special places where we record our deep feelings, emotions and spiritual experiences, not this. However, Shannon said she is going to print these off for our records and some of these need to be written down because they are some of the best memories I have had or will ever have. A lighthearted blog read by a few family and friends allows them to be recorded and hopefully those who were there will have smiling "I had forgotten that" moment. I hope I have not bored you too much or left you thinking that you have just spent 5 minutes you can never get back.