The Legend of the Rogue Toilet Seat Lid

What is it with kids, freshly cleaned things and the middle of the night. A few months ago, Abby was not feeling all that well when she went to bed. Bless her heart, the bug struck in the wee hours of the morning and she jumped and ran to the bathroom. Alas, for all of her efforts, she was thwarted a few mere inches from her desired goal. As she made her way to the toilet to let loose with all things sweet and unhealthy she had gone crazy with earlier, she got there only to find the toilet seat lid closed. In her defense, she wanted to open it. She actually started to try and open it. But her stomach had other things in mind. I stop here to have everyone engage in a mental image exercise. Do you know what happens when you put a spoon underneath running water in the sink? How it turns a harmless stream of running water into a chaotic spray that douses everything in a 15 inch radius including your 9 year old's homework (why it was by the kitchen sink, who knows), your tie that you just put on to go to work and your freshly mopped floor. I am here to testify that a closed toilet seat lid has the same effect on a larger scale when it comes to flowing bodily liquids. Abby launched and then cried out. The crying out had the positive effect of awaking me from a deep sleep, but alas, it had the negative effect of taking all of her remaining energy which meant there was none available to open the lid for shot number two. I arrived at the bathroom door fully prepared to be the loving supportive father who would provide comfort to my sweet, yet sick daughter. I was not prepared for what I found. There was not a spot of that bathroom that she didn't get. The shower curtain, the towels, the floor, the walls (3), the back of the toilet (other than a ricochet theory that doesn't hold much water, I am still at a loss of how) and most of her. As only someone who is a parent can understand, I somehow held it together long enough to get her cleaned up and back to bed. Then I had to clean it up. An hour later I was ready to unscrew the toilet seat, remove it and have just an open vessel. I was also ready to put myself through a high powered car wash.

I was pretty sure we had learned our lesson. For many weeks, we made sure each night that the toilet seat lid was raised before we went to bed. But as in all things, you get complacent. Don't worry, I don't intend to make a gospel lesson out of a toilet seat lid, but if you find one here, that is your business. Yesterday, we cleaned our house for roughly the entire day. We did everything. Shannon bleached both bathrooms and I actually got down with a pumice stone and did....pumice stone things. The house was beautiful. Well, we all now how beautifully clean things are meant to look. You close everything and leave it as if you were trying to sell your home and people would be coming to see it. There it was, the fatal flaw. This morning, Abby comes into our room as I am trying to wake up and says, "Dad, Logan's in the bathroom crying."

"Why?"

"I don't know." Aren't 9 year olds helpful? I think you could ask them if they are wearing socks and they would say, "I don't know." They know Nick Jonas' named his wart Bobby when he was 5, (Thanks Disney Channel), but what is causing their three year old brother great anguish 10 feet away is a little too much for them.

Anyway, I go in to find that Logan has had an accident. I remind you that we had cleaned the bathroom about 18 hours earlier. Shannon even forbade us to use them for a month. I was still trying to work out the logistics for an outhouse by the trampoline. There stood my 3 year old son. His pants off just crying. And there was that dad gum blasted toilet seat lid closed and covered in urine. He had managed to get his pants off (they were completely dry), but hadn't had time to get the toilet seat lid raised. As only a parent will understand, I told him it was ok and tried to calm him as that little lower lip quivered and he kept repeating, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." There was no way to get mad at him. I got him taken care of and then again, I cleaned up a mess that was everywhere, (repeat image exercise from above). I intend to buy a sledge hammer tomorrow and teach that seat lid a lesson. I am sure it will understand it is nothing personal.