Letter To Mom

As many of you have probably heard by now (but for those who haven't, I will now share with you) my father and my mother-in-law are engaged and will be married on December 4 or 5. I can't remember. Please don't take that the wrong way as in I don't approve or anything. I struggle with transposing dates in my mind when two of them somehow get associated in my mind with the same event. Case in point, my son Braden's due date was February 22. He was born February 25. For several years I would have to think long and hard about which day was actually his birthday. Don't tell Shannon, but same kind of thing for the first couple of years we were married with our anniversary. Couldn't remember if it was January 3 or 4. For the record I know it is the 3rd...Just kidding dear, I know its the 4th. Anyway, this is a pretty good thing for both of them and it is a blessing to our family. Of course the jokes, they are a plentiful. I have heard more moving to the south and "I'm my own Grandpa" references in the last couple of weeks than I have heard in the 13 years of marriage prior. We accept that. The families are still trying to figure out how this is all going to work. On my side it is pretty easy. Nothing really changes for my kids except Grandma and Grandad are now in the same place and the effect on Jerry and Kirt is minimal. At least I think so. However, on Shannon's side the logistics of a new grandpa in the mix are still being worked out. I am sure they will all pan out in the end.

The one thing I struggle with is when people ask if I am ok with this. I don't know what to say. The emotions and feelings associated with that question are a little deeper and would require a little more time than the 15 second response most people are looking for. So, on the off chance that someone is reading this that wants to ask that question or has already asked it but thinks I gave a flippant answer, I will share the following. I recognize that some might think this is a little personal, but I have always been pretty up front with my emotions. Obviously, I am not going to share anything that I don't want to, but I tend to be able to express things better in writing than any other format. So if you really wondered how I am with all of this, here we go:

Dear Mom,

I am sure by now you have heard that Dad is going to marry Marilyn. Pretty weird, I know. I hope you are ok with this. I know we had several talks in the months before you couldn't talk with us anymore about what would happen to Dad after you passed. Based on those talks, I am fairly certain that you would give this arrangement your blessing. But now that it is actually happening, I wonder if it is a little harder to accept in reality than in theory. See, I clearly don't understand what happens after this life. I know the basics and they are all good. But I have been taught my whole life that I better not smoke or drink because I will have the same cravings after this life as I had during it. That is all well and good and a great deterrent, but if you follow that logic, are the human emotions that connect you to a spouse the same after this life? Are you a little uncomfortable or jealous of this situation? Do you have those feelings but also feel guilty because of how hard it is to expect two people to be alone in this life who very likely have a good number of years left? Or when you arrive in the Spirit world, does your perspective on our existence change so that these natural man emotions seem small and inconsequential in comparison? Don't worry Mom, I don't stress and wring my hands over this stuff. But sometimes, I look at Shannon and wonder if I were gone, how would I feel. I would hate for her to feel alone in this world where loneliness is such a brutal companion. But I have to be honest, I can't hardly bear the thought of her loving anyone else but me. And then, being the over analytical person I am, I project those feelings onto you and can't help but wonder how you feel.

Another thing that scares me is losing you in this process. I don't want you forgotten by my children. I know that is my responsibiltiy to keep you alive, but I am also aware of the realities. I can remember you sharing through tears that your biggest regret is that Kate would never know you. I hate that too. I worry that Logan is so young, the memories of you will be hard for him to keep. They will be for all of us to a certain extent, but for my young children who have so few to begin with, where will you fit into their life experience?

Lastly, who do I talk to? You were always the one who I talked to about...everything. I love Dad dearly, but your passing has brought into clear focus just how much he and I have never really talked about all the things that dads and sons generally have trouble talking about. That is why sons need their moms. Main case in point, you are the one I would most likely talk to about this. But I can't. And that is hard. Logan and I were in his room the other night and he had just finished saying his prayers when he stood up and looked at me with a very sad look on his face. I should mention they had just spent the day in Duncan for the first time since your funeral. I asked him what was wrong expecting something about how he didn't want to be in trouble since he was just prior to his prayers. Instead, he said, "I am thinking I am about to cry." I asked him why and he said, "I miss Grandma Rapier." and then he lost it. I just held him for a little while and silently cried with him. I miss you so much too. Day after day I realize another little thing that I miss that I hadn't thought of before. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view, the marriage is making me face the fact that things have changed. I think I was able to live in denial as long as too many things did not get altered. I still haven't been back to Duncan since your funeral. I know that is wrong. But I think it is for this same reason. If I avoid dealing with a lot of things, then maybe I can avoid admitting you aren't here anymore. Now Mom, please don't think I am delusional. I am aware of reality. I hope you know what I mean. But dad getting remarried makes living in denial very difficult.

Overall, I know this is a good thing. I believe you know it too and are very accepting. I am so happy for Marilyn. I am happy for Dad too, but Marilyn has been alone for so long. She deserves something good. I believe this will be. Heaven knows they will have to work through some things. You would know what some of those things are better than anyone. But I think they will be fine. But Mom, I hope you know I love you. I miss you. When people ask me how I feel about all this, you are the person I think of and I don't know how to answer. I hope all is well with you. I will do all I can to keep you alive in the lives of our kids. They are who they are in part because of you. Please watch over us and I guess I will talk to you later. I love you Mom.

Ryan