The Gilmore Guys

I am not sure when it happened, but at some point over the last couple months, it appears I morphed into a teenage girl. This does not give me any pleasure and I am still checking into whether it is reversable or not, but it appears to have happened none the less. My evidence is:

A. I recently downloaded four (count them, FOUR) Taylor Swift songs onto my ipod. I know, I know. Next thing you know I will be doing that adorable (echhh) little heart thing with my fingers to my kids as they leave for school each morning or writing songs about Shannon every time she ticks me off. But doggone it, I really kind of like some of her tunes. Can someone please help me?

B. At the suggestion of my cousin and his wife, Shannon and I started watching The Gilmore Girls on DVD. When I suggested this to Shannon her initial reaction was, "Really? That doesn't strike me as a show you would be interested in." She apparently couldn't be more wrong. I am now looking up on-line availability at the Independence Inn in Stars Hollow, CT for our next vacation.

Ok, it isn't that severe, but I was at lunch with several people that I work with and I mentioned that I was watching this show and another lady said, "Oh yeah, that is a pretty good show. I started watching it when my 11 year old daughter got me into it." So apparently, I am lining up well with the 10-25 year old female demographic. At least it is a more appealing demographic to advertisers than the fat, bald white males over 35 demo I am actually in.

But actually, this show has been really interesting to me as it deals really well with the generational issues in our society. From the sarcasm that so afflicts my generation (Gen X) to the reality that the younger folks born after 1980 (Gen Y) actually relate better to their grandparents (Baby Boomers) than we their own children do. For those who are unfamiliar with the premise of this show, a 32 year old woman is forced to re-establish connections with her blue blood parents after years of self banishment. Sixteen years in fact because that is when she got pregnant in high school with her daughter. The situation that forces this reconnection is that her incredibly intelligent daughter is accepted to a very prestigious and very expensive prep school. So in order to pay her entrance fee, she has to beg money from her parents who in turn require her to let them be a part of her and her daughter's life in return. It can be a very funny show, but with undercurrents like that, it can get pretty serious pretty fast.

And that leads me to an episode we watched the other night, where the main character, Loralie, gets engaged. At the same time as her engagement, her daughter Rory invites her new boyfriend over to dinner with the grandparents. It doesn't go well and the grandfather ends up attacking the boy verbally. This doesn't go over well with Rory and she is of course very angry at her grandfather. While everyone is stewing over the fall out of this dinner, Loralie's mother gets a call from a friend of Loralie's asking if she wants to be a part of their engagement party. The problem is that Loralie hadn't actually told her parents yet about her engagement. Aren't television writers good at creating tangled webs of intrigue? Following that phone conversation, the grandmother marches into the grandfather's office and tells him he will fix this issue with Rory immediately. He will call and apologize, even beg for forgiveness if necessary. He is affronted and demands to know why on earth he would do such a thing. She informs him that when Rory gets engaged, she wants her to actually tell them that she is engaged. He is confused and asks what the heck she is talking about. She replies, "Our daughter is engaged, and she didn't tell us." She then leaves the room and once outside, slumps under the reality of what has just happened. When I watched this scene, I started to laugh at the beginning and yet by the end, I was truly saddened. Because, while it is fiction, it is safe to say that many family relationships have gone through similar trials that carry the same weight of regret. Including my own.

Immediately, I started to think of all that had occured over the last fifteen years. Ok, probably even more than that. You see, my mother and my brother have always had a unique relationship. They truly loved each other, but they had a unique ability to push each other's buttons unlike anyone else. That reality was established in our formative years. Whether they enjoyed it or not, they always were able to engage in vigorous debate. I always hated that. But it was our reality.

After we all grew up and I had just gotten engaged to Shannon, Jerry sent a letter to my parents informing them he was gay. My mother took it very hard. She cried a lot and questioned herself as a parent. There was the "how do we handle this" discussion and the difficult task for my parents of informing extended family members. They really struggled. I was about to say I probably was not as supportive as I should have been, but the reality is, I definitely was not as supportive as I should have been to both my mother or my brother. I was starting a new life in Mesa with a new wife and not a lot of time to think between a full time job and being a full time student at ASU. So I was not privy to a lot of the communication between my brother and parents at that time. That is probably for the best.

I suppose I should mention that I never took Jerry's orientation as hard as my parents did. To me it just was. You see, I had harbored a secret dream away from my entire family my whole life. And unfortunately, my reaction to this revelation was much more self-centered than it should have been. All of my friends in high school had close relationships with their brothers, or at least it appeared that way to me. In my mind, I romanticized the family relationships of my good friends and always felt cheated when it appeared I didn't have the same. (I have since come to realize my view of the "perfect" family situation doesn't exist, but at 12, 14, 16 or even 22, I hadn't quite made that connection yet.) So from my point of view, I just wanted my parents to accept the situation and let's all be a happy family. Even if we have to pretend, just do it. I never voiced this opinion out loud and that is probably for the best as it became apparent through the years that I was the only one who would have been content in that scenario.

Anyway, through the years there would be periods where things seemed better and then there were times when things clearly seemed not better. There was the thawing that occured when my parents decided to let Kirt become part of our lives. There was the trip to Utah where we spent a good deal of time with them and the one time I can remember seeing the results of my brother's efforts in theater in Park City. (Just as vivid about that trip is Abby puking on the floor of a restaurant in Park City and the waiter bringing us a rag to clean it up. Good times.) Unfortunately, there would also be times where we wouldn't see Jerry for a while. There would be times when I would call my mom and she would tell me about a fight they had just had. It was very frustrating to me that they couldn't accept each other for who they were.

Finally, we had moved to Thatcher and it had been several years since I had seen Jerry. My mom called and said they had had a pretty big blow up and he was about done with us. She sent me an e-mail he had sent her that was pretty rough. In hind sight, she probably shouldn't have done that. Without being privy to all that had preceded it, it came across as pretty unfair to my mom. And it made me angry. My anger wasn't necessarily all directed at Jerry, but he was the person I could focus it on. My anger was more directed at the entire situation. Why couldn't we just move on? Why did we keep having to go through all of this over and over? As members of the LDS faith, we believe a certain way and Jerry sees it differently. That's it. The end. In my frustration, I wrote a long e-mail that just gave it with both barrels to my brother. I was very witty and cutting in a way that just let all of my emotions out. Fortunately, before I hit send, I stopped. I asked Shannon to read it. One of the great blessings of my life is my wife. She calmly asked me if this was what I really wanted to do. She pointed out to me the possible ramifications of sending that e-mail. As soon as she started to talk, I knew I wouldn't send it. My pride required me to pretend like I still might for a little bit, but I knew she was right. I erased it and sent a much shorter and less vitriolic version. Jerry responded and politely informed me that this was between him and my mother and he was correct. However, things did not look good for our family relationships going forward. And then things changed.

I don't remember exactly how long it was, but it wasn't long before my mom got her diagnosis of cancer. What is odd is how we all responded. My mom had actually had cancer five years earlier and at the time, none of us felt overly threatened by it. She was treated and pronounced cancer free and it never really was a worry. When it happened this time, I remember thinking to myself before we even really knew what was happening that this time was different. I prayed I was wrong, but I knew I wasn't. But once we were fairly certain that this was not going to be dealt with easily, our family dynamics started to change. For once, being right in an argument no longer mattered to anybody. I specifically remember one evening I was getting ready to go over to a family dinner at the Claridges when Jerry called and we talked for over 40 minutes about mom and all the things that were going on. Jerry and I had not talked on the phone for over 15 minutes in...maybe ever. It was a horrible topic of conversation, but one visit I cherish. From that time on, I am not aware of any family disagreements. Everyone just seemed to recognize that time together is so much more valuable than we realize. We had our first family photo in over 9 years. I was worried that the subject of whether Kirt should be in it would be an issue. I am so glad it wasn't. He is part of our family. Jerry came down many times in the final months. He was able to do something that I wasn't. Care for her. I wanted to, but fully accepting that role would have been to me a way of accepting what was happening. I didn't want to do that. I still don't. But Jerry wanted to do anything he could. Wanted to be there to give my dad a break. I am so grateful for the relationship my brother and mother had in the final months.





We are coming up on that time of year where it will be the anniversary of my mom's passing. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday that we had what we had. Don't get me wrong. I wish my mom was still here. But I am so grateful we had the time we had to say goodbye. To move beyond the feelings that had built up over time and see each other again as family first. Because I dread the thought of losing her the way we lost Shannon's dad. Sudden. Things would have been left undone and healing may not have had a chance to take place. It has allowed us in some ways to start again. My kids have gotten to know their uncles Jerry and Kirt. We have taken the time to travel to Utah and spend time together and they have travelled here. This is what I always wanted.

And mainly, when Jerry called me and told me that he and Kirt had started the process of adoption, I was glad he let us know. I would hate to have found myself in the position of Emily Gilmore. Having to deal with the reality that my brother was in the process of beginning a family, and because of a distant relationship, he didn't tell me.

If Jerry reads this, I hope he isn't offended by anything I have shared. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him and am glad he is my brother. How proud I am of him and especially how much I love him. I am really looking forward to being an uncle. I look forward to laughing at him as he discovers the unadvertised joys of parenthood. Laughing mostly in a supportive way with just a little in the "you have no idea what is coming" way. My only regret is that my mom won't be here to be grandma.

So, back to my teenage girl issues. As you can see I have also developed this inability to say anything in a short and concise manner. What?...I have always had that problem. Ok, point well taken. Anyway, in other news our family recently traveled to a family reunion in Phoenix. It was a beautiful day and some pictures can be found below. Also, we are almost done enclosing our garage and here are some before and current pictures of our progress.