Hawaii Trip Day 3: For $60 We Will Treat You Like A Cow

5:20 a.m. - How much do I hate myself for thinking that catching a flight to Oahu at 7:45 in the morning was a good idea? A LOT!!! I hate myself a lot at this exact moment.

6:15 a.m. - Arrive at the Maui airport as it is starting to rain. Since we are dressed in our Sunday best, we do not necessarily appreciate this. However, the thing that catches us the most off guard is the two chickens that are strolling through the Maui airport parking lot. I have never been to a place where chickens have such free reign over an entire community.

6:40 a.m. - Get through security without any real issues except that you always feel pressured to get through quickly and it stresses me out.

7:12 a.m. - We realize that we will be joined on our flight by several elementary school classes who are traveling to Oahu for a field trip. They look to be about Braden's age. The crabby adult in me is not thrilled. I have a headache from waking up so early and now this? How did we get so lucky?

7:48 a.m. - How did we get so lucky? I have to take back all of my grumpy old man thoughts as we take off. All of the kids raised their hands when we started picking up speed to take off like we were on a roller coaster. Then they all cheered when we actually lifted of the ground. That was pretty cool. I needed that to be reminded how fun being young is. It completely cheers me up and has me forgetting all about that 5:20 wake up call...

8:01 a.m. - Until I realize I got so flustered in the security line that I left my room key in the plastic bucket thing. @$%!#, we are three days into this vacation and I have lost three room keys. My high from taking off with the kids is quickly dampening as I think about having to go face that grumpy front desk lady again who is going to sigh even harder this time. Dang It!

8:04 a.m. - Let that go and start looking out the window. It really is amazing. We fly over our side of the island and we can see the beach where we are staying. The water is amazingly blue and it is quite a beautiful thing to see.

8:09 a.m. - Lean my head back to get a little rest and...Oh wait, the flight is about over. Man that was short.

8:17 a.m. - As we are pulling up to the gate, I realize this is the first 5th of May that will be completely unaffected by Mexico's indepence since my mission.

8:42 a.m. - We catch a shuttle over to the rental car place in Honolulu and it resembles what I imagine one of the worst parts of Los Angeles to look like. We walk in and I am getting things settled when Shannon gets cornered by a lady who is there to provide tourist information to the tourists. She is what I would imagine authors are describing when they say that a person has a leathery face. Suffice it to say that life's mileage has not been kind to this lady. After just a few minutes, Shannon is desparate to get away. Right at that point, I have finished up and Shannon goes to get out. For what ever reason, she heads out the door backwards. I don't know if she was fearful that this lady would attack her from behind if given the opportunity or what, but she walks out the door backwards and completely misses the step down. She is in heels and flailing as she gets to the second step down and misses it as well. I have no idea how she managed to stay upright. I remember watching this happen thinking, "Oh my gosh, we are going to spend our time on Oahu in the ER." But somehow, Shannon manages to get her balance. We then count our blessings and run to the car to get away from this cursed place with its scary people and just get to the temple. That would have been easier had I remembered to take off the parking break.

9:02 a.m. - We are completely lost on the roads of Honolulu and it is raining hard. We finally just pull over and rework the GPS only to find that somehow, we had actually stumbled on the right road. The Likiliki highway (pronounced leaky leaky). It is completely sophomoric, but that names makes me smile everytime I hear it or say it. We start down the Likiliki highway (see, the irony of having Shannon in the car as we start down the Likiliki highway just makes me chuckle) and are suddenly in some of the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen.

9:48 a.m. - We arrive at the Laie temple and ask if we can do sealings. Apparently this is not a common request as we seem to throw the place into a bit of turmoil. But they recover nicely and we begin sealings for a list of Chinese names. This is the first time I have ever done Chinese names and it is fascinating to see the temple cards with Chinese characters on them. Also, apparently they did not keep records of Chinese women's names as every name was the male's name followed by the exact same name with the ending of Fu Yen. The sealer explained that Fu Yen is the equivalent of Mrs. in English. Interesting.







10:20 a.m. - They need the two witnesses to report to the veil and so they ask if we can wait until they return. We agree and sit down with the sealer. He begins to talk to us about the history of the area and it is fascinating. Apparently in the late 1800s the Church purchased 6,000 acres for $14,000. That acreage is now the home of the temple, BYU-Hawaii and the Polynesian Cultural Center (PCC). He told us how the owner of the land wanted to sell right away, but that purchasing the land would require local leaders to get permission from Salt Lake, which would take months. The local leader of the Church agonized over this until he had a dream that Brigham Young was there and he was providing a tour to the Prophet. In his dream, Brigham Young was very pleased with the land and the local leader took this dream to be a sign that he should purchase the land.

We also discovered that our sealer had just returned from Hong Kong where he had been serving as the Temple President. He had also served in Hong Kong as the Mission President. What was especially amazing was that he asked where we were from and when we told him Thatcher, he asked if we knew Nolan Reed, which I do. His grandson is in our Deacon's quorum. He had worked with Nolan at BYU-Hawaii for 20 years. In the Church, it is truly a small world.

10:51 a.m. - Following the sealings, we spent a few minutes in the Celestial Room and it was stunning (as they all are). By not having white as one of the major colors in any part of the temple that we had been in up to that point, it was such a stark contrast when the Celestial Room as all white. It just gleamed.

11:13 a.m. - Leaving the temple, we take time to take pictures and take in the beauty of the temple. It is quite a different look from our Arizona temples. While taking pictures, a gentleman walks up and asks if we would like him to take a picture of both of us together. We think that would be great. That would have been great, but unfortunately, he never really got to a decent level of comfort with our camera and so we ended up with a slightly out of focus and uneven picture of both of us in front of the temple. Oh well. However, the gentleman asked where we were from and when we told him, he asked if we knew Danny Merrill. He only released me from my mission. He said when we saw them again to say hello from Santa Ted. We have been on LDS property for under 3 hours and already have met two people who not only know where Thatcher is, but know people from there that we know. WOW!



11:42 a.m. - After changing our clothes, we need to eat. Folks at the temple suggested we eat before we go to the PCC as it can be a tad expensive. So, we remember the good experiences we have had at Da Kitchen and Polli's and decide to try a small local diner. The place we chose, L&L Chopstick Express...reminded us how good Da Kitchen and Polli's were. The food was so...Ugh! Oh well, at least we are full before we head into the PCC.

12:26 p.m. - We are at the PCC picking up our tickets and the one thing I really did not appreciate about the PCC makes its first appearance. I ask for our tickets and they ask if we have been to the PCC before. We reply that we have not. I am then told that the package we have purchased is really for those who have been there before and that we really want to upgrade to the next level. Because at the next level, we can become part of a tour and we can make sure to maximize our PCC experience. Also, we will get priority seating and first entry into the Luau. Finally, we convince them that somehow we will suffer through our subpar package for first timers and will not be upgrading. They then offer another package for a little less money that when boiled down to what we would actually use, consists of ice cream during the evening show. So we can pay $50 extra for ice cream. That had better be some D___ GOOD ice cream! We decline. Having been in sales for much of my adult life, there is nothing I despise more than being upsold. I found it extremely frustrating to be dealing with this at a Church owned facility. It was my one really negative experience at the PCC which otherwise, as you shall see, we enjoyed. However, I will revisit this once more before I am done.

12:48 p.m. - We stroll into the Samoa area and the sun has come out. It is muggy and starting to get a little warm. So what do we do? We walk over and sit in an area where they are doing a cooking demonstration. SMART!

12:59 p.m. - The Samoa show is about to start and one of the aforementioned tours suddenly materializes out of nowhere and the almost empty seating area is now completely full. Show has neat demonstration on how to make fire and how to climb a coconut tree.

1:38 p.m. - We wander through the New Zealand area with the Mowris and get matching arm tattoos. I am reminded again that I am grateful to live in a culture that does not apply value to having facial tattoos.



2:00 p.m. - The cultural canoe presentation of all of the cultures represented at the PCC begins and it is fantastic. I go over and video it while Shannon sits and visits with some people next to her. She comes away with one of my favorite tourist trap stories from our vacation. The people next to her were saying how impressed they were that they had taken the time to book a sunset dinner cruise. They felt extremely lucky because the company they went through had over booked and so they had to reschedule. But because of the reschedule, they were upgraded free of charge to a table with a window...(pause)...has it hit you yet? A sunset cruise where you only get a window with an upgrade? HMMM!!!! Glad we didn't book that one.

The canoe presentation is exquisite. It was especially special to me because one of my favorite home movies growing up was of my mom's and grandmother's trip to Hawaii. One of the highlights was the canoe presentation. So to get to see it in person was extremely cool.







2:30 p.m. - From the canoe presentation, we head to the Tonga show. I think the Tongan drums are my favorite cultural representation at the whole PCC. They really get going.

3:30 p.m. - Our next little show is the Tahiti hip dancers. To be completely honest, their movements defy gravity...or some physical law. To be able to keep their upper body that still while getting that much movement from their hips does not seem right. We are so impressed with them that we make sure Shannon gets a picture with the dancers before we leave.



4:13 p.m. - We wander through several areas where they are not currently having shows and we run across the Fiji guy who does actually bear a slight resemblence to someone from my nightmares. Nice guy though. I don't know if it is required if you work at the PCC, but up close I notice that he shaves his chest. Talk about hostile work environment.



5:00 p.m. - It is luau time!!! Positives: We get an actual floral lei. We meet some nice people seated at the same table as us. The food is pretty darn good.

Negatives: We are forced to turn to our neighbor whom we have never met and say Aloha. I hate doing stuff like this at leadership seminars, I sure as heck am gonna hate it on my vacation. Hawaiian music and more Hawaiian music. I am so ready to slip the guitar player a $20 and beg for some CCR. The hostess of the luau. I felt like I was transported to Las Vegas circa 1962. I am just one of those people who never felt like I needed to see the Lawrence Welk show in person and yet, here I am.

Overall, I discovered I am not a luau kind of guy. We found out later that we could have gotten the same food without the shmaltz just around the corner and it would have been a much more come and go as you please type of situation, which I would have preferred as we missed the IMAX show I wanted to see because we were stuck listening to the reincarnated female Dean Martin.

Final note from here; this is the point where I was feeling conflicted emotions. I was really glad I had not given into the constant pressure from the upsale at the beginning of the day. But on the flip side, I was even more frustrated at the attempts made at upselling at a Church owned site now that I saw what I would have gotten for my extra $60 bucks. We would have been treated like cattle. The tours just ran people from one thing to the next and never gave anyone an opportunity to experience anything. Second, the "preferred" seating at the luau was the table 1.5 feet directly to the right of us. Lastly, getting seated first at the luau? We actually got in first before any of them. Had I actually bought that, I would have been REALLY HOT!!! Good thing I would have had the $50 ice cream at the evening show to cool me off. I know I am spending a lot more time on this than all the other things we experienced, and that isn't fair. The rest of the PCC was incredible. The problem is trying to describe it. It was just beautiful and amazing and...you are probably sick of these and similar adjectives. But this one aspect was something I had no problem putting into words. And now, I will leave it alone. Unless for $10 more you would like me to continue for two more minutes.



6:21 p.m. - It has started to rain again and so we need to kill time before the evening show but indoors where we won't get soaked. This requires us to go into a store. We buy a few knick knacks, but mainly we just wander. We wander into a section of the store where a Tongan student is hanging out playing a ukelele. We start up a conversation and he asks where we are from. To most people we have been saying a small town in southeastern Arizona. Most people will respond, "Tucson?" We then describe where we are in relation to Tucson which leads to a glazed look on the other folks' faces 10 seconds in to our description. But this guy says, what's the name of your town. We say he probably hasn't heard of it but he says, "Try me." When we tell him Thatcher, he says that Brett Nelson from Thatcher was his favorite companion. Shannon grew up with the Nelsons in her ward and Brett and his wife actually lived in our ward for a short time. With the number of people now at three that know where Thatcher is and people from there, we are convinced that Thatcher is the nexus of the LDS universe. Incredible.



7:15 p.m. - Before we go into the evening show, Shannon stops at a pearl shop and wins a fresh pearl. Pretty neat! She then informs me she needs a $300 ring to set the pearl in. Man, even the free stuff here is expensive.



7:30 p.m. - The evening show, Ha - Breath of Life blows away anything we had seen up to this point and we had seen some pretty neat stuff. The highlights are the Tongan section with their drums, the Tahitian dancers and the Samoan fire dancer at the end. I could go on and on but it would include words like exquisite and beautiful and amazing and...you get the drift. Bottom line, the evening show was worth the entire price of admission...even without the ice cream. (Sorry, couldn't resist)

9:30 p.m. - We get to follow a tour bus going 40 mph all the way back to Honolulu. Imagine at least 10 snarky comments about that and you will have a small sampling of my thoughts during that 45 minute trip.

10:14 p.m. - We are following the GPS through downtown Honolulu (add downtown Honolulu to my list of places where my first experience driving them is at night) and my favorite GPS moment of the trip happens. It tells us, "At the end of the street turn right then at the end of the street turn left." I just thought that was kind of funny.

10:27 p.m. - We arrive at the parking lot of our hotel. It is a regular parking lot, but we are required to view it as valet parking. We get to pay $25 for this privilege. Now imagine seeing the spot they are going to park my car just 20 feet away from where we are speaking to the valet service. I could zip into the spot very easily. But no, they will do it for me...for $25. But I needn't worry. They will be available 24/7 to get my car when I need it...20 feet away. I almost ask if this is mugging Honolulu style, but I manage to stop myself.

10:32 p.m. - We check in and are told they are having a special. For just $15 more they will upgrade our room to one almost twice the size. Why would we need that for just one night???

10:38 p.m. - Because our standard room is the size of a shoe box. This picture below is taken with me leaning backwards over the credenza up against the main wall. The shower was smaller than a casket. Welcome to Waikiki Beach!!! I miss Maui already.



10:54 p.m. - Another added feature of our hotel is that even though we are 10 stories up, the buses and sirens of the street below sound like they are right in the room with us. Pretty sure we won't be making a return booking with the Courtyard by Marriott in Honolulu anytime soon. Fortunately, we are so tired, we fall asleep pretty quickly.

Hawaii Trip Day 2: Are My Legs Supposed To Be Sideways?

5:45 a.m. - As I lay in bed now suddenly awake, I realize that even though the clock says it is 5:45, my body probably still thinks it is 8:45 and will probably not go back to sleep. So I get up and put my swimming suit on and sneak outside so I won't wake Shannon up. If I do that on vacation before she is ready...let's just say I don't wake Shannon up before she is ready on vacation. I walk out to the beach and...I am completely by myself. I can see one jogger four hotels away, but that is it. I have the world famous Kaanapali Beach all to myself. Pretty Cool!!!

6:15 a.m. - I am now sitting right at the point where the water breaks on the shore and loving it. I am constantly having to look around to make sure no one has come and is watching me, because I am acting like a 5 year old and letting the water wash me up the beach and just laughing the whole time. Not once do I feel seaweed and the water is perfect. San Diego and LA, you are now dead to me.

6:30 a.m. - Head back up to the room and reach for the room key only to discover...an angry sea has claimed my room key. Actually it has claimed both of my room keys because for some idiotic reason I took them both with me. So now, we have no room keys. Hope Shannon has woken up at this point.

6:45 a.m. - Learn that Maui sand is extremely sticky. I can point a shower head directly at it and it will not de-attach itself from skin. Also, I have apparently brought much more with me than I had anticipated. We now have our own personal beach in the bottom of our bathtub. I am climbing the charts with a bullet when it comes to the maid's favorite guest award.

7:20 a.m. - Get to make the walk of shame to the front desk and admit that both of our room keys are probably half way to Lanai. With an exasperated sigh, the front desk lady lets me know I am not the first. Her body language indicates I may be the dumbest though. I get my cards and get out fast.

7:50 a.m. - Before we left, Rhett had told me about how one of his favorite things about Maui was the breakfasts with all the fresh fruit that you just can't get in Arizona. My mouth would water with his tales of pineapply goodness and mango ecstasy...(Ok, he told me it was really good and I thought it sounded good. That is about as far as it goes. So everyone can erase those visions of he and I salivating all over ourselves while taking the tithing to the bank on a Sunday afternoon. It just didn't happen...or did it???) So, for our first breakfast we walk over to a shopping area called the Whaler's village and...McDonald's is the only thing open. To top it off, they don't even sell a pineapple McMuffin, they just charge two dollars more for the sausage McMuffin I can get in Safford. Unfortunately, we have to eat and get going to make it to our morning appointment with the zipline. I am not going to lie. I was a little disappointed in us at that moment.

8:32 a.m. - We are on the road to Makawao where the zip line folks at Piiholo Ranch operate. We might be running a little late for our 9:30 check in time, but we should be fine. The only thing that could really cause us any problem would be...

8:39 a.m. - ...getting stuck behind a bus on a two lane road where passing is not really allowed. Should have taken island time into the equation.

9:05 a.m. - As we continue to get closer to Makawao, we can't help but notice the increasingly black looking clouds that are building directly where we seem to be headed. Also, I misunderstood the GPS and ended up on the wrong road. This could be due to the fact that it is Braden's GPS (don't ask) and he has converted the readings from standard to Metric. The only issue with that is that Mr. GPS voice can't say meters clearly and it sounds like inches. (I am fully aware that those two words sound nothing alike. Now you are starting to understand my frustration when the GPS indicated I should turn in 400 inches.) I now need to make a u-turn. Which brings up a small problem that exists in Maui. At no point is anyone allowed to make a U-turn. In fact, it appears that about 90% of the left hand turns that one would need to make to correct a navigational error are also illegal. Good crap, what is a person supposed to do???

9:07 a.m. - Break the law.

9:24 a.m. - We have made it to Makawao. We are doing great. We should be completely fine. The only thing that could possibly mess us up would be...

9:25 a.m. - road contruction in the middle of town.

9:33 a.m. - Fortunately, it wasn't overly serious construction and we arrive almost on time. We check in and go back and forth on which cameras to bring with us as we continue to watch the black clouds pour over the top of us. We decide to go with my droid's camera...after five or six trips to the car.

9:36 a.m. - Logan goes pee for the first time.

9:57 a.m. - Our guide is ready to start handing out our gear, but wait...Logan has gone pee for the second time.

10:06 a.m. - In the course of getting my gear on, I somehow drop my hotel key (yes, my new hotel key) on the ground. Fortunately, someone in our group found it and I was able to get it back, allowing me to avoid an additional visit to the front desk lady, who, to be completely honest, scares me just a little bit.

10:18 a.m. - After all of the gear has been handed out and instructions given, we are ready to go ziplining. But first you have to cross a suspension bridge that wobbles pretty good. I have to admit after getting 10 feet out on the 100 foot bridge, I thought we might lose Shannon before we ever got started. Suspensions bridges are just not her thing. However, in other news, she needs to use the bathroom again.

10:30 a.m. - First zipline is the bunny hill. You climb up a tower that is about 45 feet in the air and then zip across a meadow. Very tame. Unfortunately, my poor wife who has a thing about heights (So you ziplined why??? you may be asking) is freaking just a little bit. Fortunately she is a good sport and off we go and it is...AWESOME!!!!!!!





10:42 a.m. - While waiting for everyone to finish, we talk with everyone else in our group only to discover that we are in with a group of Canadians. All of the other four couples are from Canada just by coincidence. We also learn we don't know how to vacation. One other couple is there for two weeks and then it goes up from there to one couple who is there for six weeks. What were thinking? Oh yeah, we have jobs, children and not enough money to stay for six weeks. Oh well.

10:52 a.m. - Ok, now we are getting serious. The second line is quite a bit longer and we are about 200 feet in the air at some points. Amazingly, after our first experience, Shannon never looks back and doesn't seem scared at all.





11:58 a.m. - Getting ready for our fourth line, Shannon sees a sign she thinks is just hilarious. I personally think it has merit.



12:21 p.m. - After the fourth line, they put us in vehicles and take us to the top of a high peak for the final mahamalama line. That is not an actual Hawaiian word, just a jibberish word I personally like to use when describing something a little massive and over the top. Before we start, we take some moments to appreciate the view.



12:30 p.m. - The final line is a half mile long and at one point, you are 690 feet above the ground. There aren't words to describe how cool this was. The picture below is taken from a platform right next to the beginning of this line. As we start, it quickly becomes apparent that this last line is a little...a lot more intimidating than the last four. You are seriously up there. Also, at this point, the rain has picked up again and the wind is coming at us from the left hand side. This causes my first real bit of panic as it is blowing my legs to the right and I can't keep them pointed straight. I can hear the rollers scraping on the cable from the pressure of my body pulling it to the side. I now truly start to contemplate what would happen if the harness were to fail at this point. Not enjoying that moment of contemplation, I try to put it out of my head and enjoy the final quarter mile of our ziplining experience. I do and am ready to jump right back up and do it again when it is over. Shannon and I both just loved this experience and would definitely do it again. However, after talking with one of the couples in our group, we will check out the company first. The company we zipped with had all kinds of good equipment. The one she had done previously in Mexico, they gave them gloves with padding and told them to grab the cable to stop themselves. And there was a mattress on a tree at the end of the line. That is a little too adventurous for me.



1:23 p.m. - After leaving Piiholo Ranch and saying goodbye to our new Canadian friends (and a trip to the bathroom for Logan), we headed back in to Makawao and look for a place to eat lunch. There is a Mexican restaurant that looks like a complete dive, but for some reason, we are both craving Mexican food. We decide to give it a try while not holding out much hope.





1:32 p.m. - So much for our snooty Arizona Mexican food snobbery. This place is incredible. I have the shrimp and fish burrito while Shannon has the shrimp and fish enchilada. And the salsa is made fresh each morning and is wonderful. This clearly appears to be a local hangout though as we do not look the part. I am the only male in the whole place with a shirt that has sleeves. I was half tempted to rip my sleeves off right there to fit in better, but then realized that my farmer's tan would make it appear that I actually did still have sleeves on. Plus, if I had done that, it really would have put the pressure on Shannon as every woman there had on a tank top. Who knew our t-shirt and jeans combo would have us completely over dressed for the establishment.

1:35 p.m. - Logan pees again.

2:12 p.m. - We finish lunch and...Logan needs to pee again. We have the circular discussion that goes something like, "You have to go again?" "I drink a lot of water." It is at this point in the discussion where I believe the obvious has just been asked and answered. So pointing out that...then...maybe you shouldn't drink so much water is pointless because I know I will just get that rolling eye look that implies that I am such a moron. I know in my heart that my reasoning is sound, but I do want to avoid the eye rolling look as much as possible this trip.

2:30 p.m. - Driving back, we call our kids. When Shannon asks Kate if she is being nice to Tristin, she replies, "I don't like her." Shannon then asks, "Can you be nice to her?" to which Kate responds, "Ok, bye."

2:46 p.m. - Not yet 24 hours in Maui and...second trip to Wal-Mart. GOOD GOSH!!!!

3:58 p.m. - Head out to the beach and swim in the ocean. When we come back to the room, we add an additional gallon or two of sand to our own bathtub beach as we get ready to go into Lahaina for our dinner show.

5:55 p.m. - Get to Lahaina and report in to Warren and Annabelle's. This is a dinner theater where the main attraction is...a magic show. We decided to see it based on Rhett and Alysia Dodge's recommendation. When Rhett told us about it, he said, "I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is really cool." He better be right.

6:30 p.m. - The parlor area where you wait is tastefully decorated and is centered around a piano where the local "ghost" will play any song that is called out by the audience to the hostess who then tells the "ghost" what to play. I called out "Dude Looks Like A Lady" but the hostess either didn't hear me or...something.

We are clearly bringing the average age in the room down by a couple years all by ourselves. The majority of the room is 60 plus and apparently on their second or third marriages. Not all of them though. One couple is celebrating their 50 something wedding anniversary. Pretty impressive. Pretty old.

It is at this point that I notice the manager is taking a little too much of an interest in us and sure enough, he comes over and asks if we will help with the show. Because I am apparently that sucker who was born that minute, I said yes. Oh heavens how I relive that moment in my nightmares over and over.

6:55 p.m. - We move into the theater and because we have agreed to help, we get seats in the front row. This magician uses no smoke, mirrors or other gimmicks, he is apparently going to be 3 feet from us the entire time.

7:02 p.m. - Show begins and this guy is really funny and REALLY good. Unfortunately, he is also a superb showman which means that he needs a good foil to pick on...oh wait, that is me. He does a card trick where four of us in the front row take a card and then we are supposed to put it back in the deck. When he comes to me, he holds the cards in a way that I couldn't put the card anywhere but back on top. As soon as I do that, he stops and looks at me and says, "Buddy, this trick ain't gonna be that hard if I know where the card is. You are supposed to put it in the middle. Folks, I think we found Gomer this evening." And yes, Gomer was my name, the rest of the evening.

7:45 p.m. - I can honestly say, I have not laughed this hard in a long time. This really is the best show. I don't even mind being the "stupid" one for the show because that means I get to be right there and watch him and...he is incredible. I won't spoil any of the tricks in case someone decides to go, but suffice it to say that Shannon and I were part of several tricks that...I have no idea how he could possibly do what he did including changing something that was RIGHT INSIDE SHANNON'S HAND!!! I am not kidding. We have wondered about that one for hours.

8:42 p.m. - Towards the end of the show, he needs an additional bottle of water and he asks if I will go get him one. He even invites me to get one for myself. Warning bells begin to go off in the back of my head. I get to the bar and ask for the waters and the bartender insists I have a drink on him and one for my wife since they should have had water available for the star of the show. I can sense this is not going to end well for me, but there is no way out and so I go back in with Warren's water and Shannon's drink and my drink (which hopefully I don't have to say were of the virgin variety.) He pounces on me like a lion on a defenseless zebra. "I said get yourself a water. That doesn't look like water. Did you pay for those drinks. Oh the bartender did. Whose name appears on the front of this theater? Yeah, not the bartender, mine. So who do you think actually paid for those drinks. That's right, me. But believe me, you'll pay..." That final statement doesn't bring me much comfort. Also, while I was gone, he discovered we are LDS and has some fun with the fact that we have drinks from the bar. His exact words were, "There will some phone calls to the Tabernacle tonight." Through all of this, I can't even answer him because I am laughing too hard. Sure enough, within fifteen minutes, I have paid for those drinks...Big Time! Again, not to ruin the show for anyone, but I truly hate the word Papaya now with all of my being.



9:10 p.m. - After the show, we get with two of the three other couples who were on the front row with us and as it turned out, we were all LDS. We laughed it out and separated to go home.

9:45 p.m. - Get back to hotel and immediately get ready for bed as we have to leave our hotel room at 6:00 a.m. to catch a flight to Oahu the next day. But Warren was right when just before he did one trick, he said, "Now this one is gonna keep you up at night." He was right. I couldn't help lying there for 10 minutes or so trying to figure how that stupid trick was possible. I have come to the conclusion that Warren at some point sold his soul to the devil. There is no other explanation.

Hawaii Trip Day 1: I Know, Let's Kick The Crazy Lady

Since it is now a tradition in our family to blog each day of a vacation, (we do this so we can have a solid recollection of our trips and be able to go back and read about them as a family later on) I begin the daily recaps of the recent trip Shannon and I took to Maui and Oahu, HI. We took this trip to celebrate our 15th anniversary which occured this last January. I have always done these posts in a time specific manner. I will attempt that here, but know that it will not be exact, or in some cases, even that close. Since there are times when I wasn't even sure what day it was, it would be ridiculous to hint that I was always aware of the exact times that things occur. The following are only my best attempts at recollection:

7:15 a.m. - Lamar drives Shannon and I to the airport. It is right in the midst of rush hour. I would make some joke here, but frankly, there is nothing funny at all about rush hour.

8:07 a.m. - After getting three kids through security for our trip to Florida, we are now seasoned pros at getting through security in a timely manner. However, we did have the opportunity to be screened by the new show you naked security screeners. As long as I don't have to know what the picture looks like, seemed pretty harmless to me. Now we have an hour and a half to sit and wait for the plane. It seems so pointless to come two hours early to the airport and then sit and wait forever. (Ominous foreshadowing music begins to play, stay tuned.)

9:10 a.m. - Shannon's last visit to the bathroom before we board is highlighted by a 50 something year old woman crawling out from under the door of the bathroom stall on her belly, claiming she couldn't get the latch undone. I think I would have exhausted every attempt at fake karate in my arsenal before I would contemplate getting down on my stomach in an airport bathroom. (I pause to shudder)

9:32 a.m. - We get situated on the plane and the first thing Shannon does is go straight to the Sky Mall magazine. I cannot for the life of me figure out her fascination with this publication. I have never seen such a load of crap in my life. Yes there are some really different and unique inventions that would be cool. But everything is so pointless. After a few minutes of enduring my own personal QVC channel, I put my earbuds in and turn on the ipod. I am so glad this time away from our kids is giving us this time to communicate so freely with each other.

11:48 a.m. - Arrive in San Francisco without incident but find that our flight to Kahului, Maui has been delayed by two hours. That means we get to spend 4 hours in the San Francisco airport. We are dressed for Maui. The San Fran airport is not Maui. It more resembles the arctic circle. This is going to be a long four hours.

12:35 p.m. - As the gate area gets more and more crowded with those who are scheduled to be on our flight, the natives begin to get restless. Some poor ticket agent made the mistake of mentioning that some snacks might be provided during the wait. Well, the dogs set on him like a shiny slab of porterhouse steak. One woman began demanding that her "snack" should be free mai tai's. Yes, that is what we need. Let's add alcohol to this situation. I don't get people sometimes. There was quite a demand to know when these snacks would arrive when we all know they are going to be crap airplane stuff. But because it is free crap airplane stuff, people want it and they want it NOW!

12:50 p.m. - Mai tai lady thinks since we are all headed to Hawaii and they aren't providing free mai tais, that she will help the situation by playing Hawaiian music she has stored on her phone at full volume. This does not prove to be the hit I think she was hoping for, but then again, she could not seem to care less and so Don Ho it is for all of us. I sincerely hope she isn't staying at our hotel.

3:01 p.m. - With 15 minutes until boarding time, Shannon finds a place she could have had a pedicure done while she waited, but now we are out of time. Darn it. From my back pocket, our already heating up credit card gives a quiet sigh of relief.

4:10 p.m. - We get into the air and the pilot turns off the seat belt sign. I am very impressed with Shannon. She has had a very tough time with the fact that we would be flying over the ocean. That is big time fear of hers and she has faced it very well so far. However, I can't say the same for this lady who immediately stands up and walks to the back of the plane looking very anxious.

4:12 p.m. - Same lady walks down the other aisle back to the front of the plane.

4:15 p.m. - Wait, here she comes again. When she gets to the back of the plane, it takes a minute or so before the steward comes over the loud speaker asking if there is any medical personnel on the plane. All of this is doing wonders for Shannon's mental stability.

5:18 p.m. - In flight movie begins. It is Country Strong with Gwyneth Paltrow and Tim McGraw. I thought it looked stupid so I choose not to watch it.

6:09 p.m. - The anxious/crazy lady is now just doing laps around the plane. So what does Shannon do? She kicks her. Oh I am sure that will help the situation. Ok, so she didn't mean to kick her and she apologized. But seriously, at this point, I think we should be taking any precautions necessary to avoid causing any problems for this woman.

6:21 p.m. - They are having an in-flight contest to see who can guess the exact minute that we hit the half-way point to Hawaii. The winner gets a CD of Hawaiian music. YEAH!!! Thanks to mai tai lady, I think I am going to give this contest a pass.

7:09 p.m. - Even without listening in and only watching bits and pieces, I am feeling pretty good about my belief that Country Strong is stupid. From what I can tell, Gwyneth Paltrow spends the entire movie singing, crying and depressed, drinking, singing while crying and depressed, crying and depressed while drinking or in bed in her underwear doing all of the above including singing. How could this movie have bombed? I just don't get it.

5:10 p.m. - Hey, we have made it safely to Maui. With the three hour time difference, it is still light outside. We know we are not in Kansas anymore when we get off the plane and discover that the airport is open air. And perfect!!!

5:37 p.m. - I have looked forward to this trip for months. We have traveled hundreds, maybe even thousands of miles. All of my hopes and dreams are caught up in this amazing trip we have just embarked on. And what is the first thing we do when we arrive...??? That's right, we go to Wal-Mart. I am not kidding. Now there is a good reason. We know that stopping here will get us beach chairs and water shoes and stuff for a much cheaper price than we would pay when we get to our final destination, but seriously...WAL-MART? You will be happy to know, it looks exactly the same there as it does anywhere. And just to make us really feel at home, I am shopping and pass by a local with a shirt on that is 3 sizes to small so that we can see his gut hanging over his pants and when passes me, I am thrilled to discover that he is also giving us a view of a partial lunar eclipse without even bending over. AAAAHHHHH!!!!! Shannon dubs him our Hawaiian version of a red neck. Wal-Mart in the spring, it's universal.

6:32 p.m. - Yes, we did spend almost an hour in Wal-Mart and now we need to find someplace to eat. We find a little diner open called Da Kitchen. It is fantastic. I have Garlic Shrimp Fried Rice(Really warming up for that romantic week we are going to have) and Shannon has some Korean Noodles dish. It is soooo good. The only frightening thing is that the waitresses, while friendly, all wear tank tops and are extremely buff. If this is how every local female looks, I am set to feel highly intimidated and emasculated this entire trip as any one of the waitresses could easily have kicked my butt at any point during dinner.



7:41 p.m. - It is now time to begin the 45 minute drive out to our hotel in Lahaina. I am sure it is a beautiful drive, but it is now dark so we could be driving in New Mexico on our way to Virden for all I know. It makes me realize though how many places I have been where my first experience driving in a new locale has occured at night when I can't see any thing. Here is a list that may or may not be complete: Maui, Chicago, Atlanta (all the way to South Carolina), Gaerwyn Wales, Orlando.

8:34 p.m. - Arrive at our hotel and the lobby is also open air. We are greeted with shell leis and are assigned our room. Negative, miles away from an elevator and on the fifth floor. Positive, 25 feet from the beach and a balcony that overlooks the beach. We will take it. The picture at the top of the post is the view right outside of our room.

8:45 p.m. - We take a night time walk on the beach and the sand is softer than anything I have ever experienced before. This is going to be good.

10:30 p.m. - We are ready for bed. One reason we have the room that we have is they ran out of King size bed rooms. So we were upgraded to a deluxe ocean view room that has two double beds. I am sure they thought we would be disappointed. Boy were they wrong. We just majorly scored. We get an upgraded room with a bigger bathroom AND I don't have to be kicked out of my own bed for this entire trip. Life is very good.