Christmas 2009

Today is a very picture heavy post so I will keep the writing to a minimum. However, the Christmas season for the Rapier family was as busy a time as I can remember. With Abby in drama for the first time this year and Braden having started Piano and Logan having his first year in Pre-school, you should be able to mentally start tabulating the number of Christmas programs we attended during the first two full weeks of December. It was a few. Below is a sampling of the programs including Braden and Abby's piano recital and Logan's preschool program.









Now the picture of Kate was taken at Braden and Abby's recital. Much to my dismay, this picture does not indicate that she has taken an affinity to Brad Paisley and is therefore dressing accordingly. No, actually Shannon's grandmother Layton's 90+ year old male compadre (Just not really sure of what to call their relationship so we will try that) really has taken a shine to Kate and loves to play with her. Here she is sporting his hat. She, unlike the older two, is showing a similarity to Logan in that she is not opposed to wearing hats. In fact at times, she rather enjoys it. As evidenced by this next picture:



Once school let out, things quieted down and then we realized how behind we were with Christmas presents. So on the Saturday before Christmas, I took the kids up to Noon Creek on Mt Graham and got some pictures that we used to put in a collage frame for Shannon for Christmas. We got several good shots, but here is one of my favorites of the three older ones. We weren't able to get one of all four because Kate fell asleep on the way there and was cold and...anyone needing further explanation regarding the picture taking ability of a one year old under those circumstances, call me.



Suddenly, Christmas Eve was upon us and we found ourselves headed to the annual Rapier Christmas Eve party. My extended family has been holding this get together for longer than my entire life. In fact, I showed a video of old home movies of this event that dated back to 1972 and that was not the first one. Anyway, we did what we always do; feast on Mexican food, have a gift giving thing for the kids, recreate the nativity and most of all, enjoy catching up with one another. A new wrinkle this year was that each family was invited to share a song or presentation with everyone else. Abby and Braden each played their Christmas songs on the piano and I showed the aforementioned video. Our parents went with a reading of the poem "The Night Before Christmas" with my dad somewhat acting it out. I mentioned to Shannon that for some reason, I was taught a funny recreation of that poem as a child and I don't remember any of it except one line. And whenever I hear that poem, I automatically think of that line. It goes, "When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bunkbed and missed the ladder." I smile everytime. In fact, racking my brains just now, I am not sure I even remember the real words. Oh well. Below are some of the pictures from this night. Abby finally got angel duty which she has wanted for many years while Braden was promoted from Shepherd to Wise Man and Logan scored the role of Joseph. Also, notice how enthused Abby is at dinner.





Then suddenly, it was Christmas morning. Braden and Abby got bikes, Logan got Lincoln Logs, Kate got a new doll and Ryan and Shannon got each other the same gift. What you gonna do. I guess that means that we really wanted it. We got each other a fire pit. There were lots of other presents and we had a great time that morning playing with our new stuff. Abby officially entered pre-teenhood and enjoyed a more Christmas of comfort than Christmas of toys. She can be seen here with her new Snoogie (which she had desperately wanted...really...it was not a gag gift. To make it worse, I now believe I may want one.) Shannon and I prefer to call it a Slanket based on a 30 Rock episode. If you have seen the episode, you will understand.







That afternoon, we went over to our parents' house and enjoyed Christmas dinner and then additional present opening. Marilyn got a new iPod dock for her iPod touch and so after setting it up, dancing in the kitchen commenced. I am not sure how Shannon's family reacted to this as Melinda's kids had a look of complete confusion as Grandma and their new Grandad were swing dancing next to the kitchen sink, but those of us on the Rapier side have had kitchen dancing (or dancing anywhere for that matter) as part of our lives for quite some time.



Finally, the glow of Christmas subsided and Shannon decided it was time to paint. So she went out Saturday night and bought a gallon of paint and begain painting on Monday. We attended the EAC Men's basketball tourney on Monday night to watch the Duncan/Thatcher game (which, alas, Duncan lost by 1 point). You can see here that prior to the game, Abby was claiming her allegiance. Also, last night, we finally got around to our hot dog and marshmallow roast with our new firepit. My favorite moment was when Logan roasted his first marshmallow and ate it. He then looked at me with this serious look and said, "I don't like that. I will just eat them plain." At which point, he shoved another whole marshmallow (unroasted) into his mouth. Several more followed suit.







It was a great holiday and we are sad to see it go. However, the true level of sadness will be felt when we have to get out of bed on Monday, Jan. 4 at 6:45.

Keeping Up With The Rapierians

To be completely up front, I have never seen the TV show that the title of this post is parodying. I think you will have to agree with me that by using the word parodying in its correct context (for that matter using the word context) proves that I have never seen this show. In fact to go further, I am not at all a fan of the whole genre. (Is it possible that I am overcompensating by using a lot of fancy words to distance myself from the world of idiocy that is 2009 reality TV? I believe the answer is: Categorically!) Anyway, I just couldn't think of a better title to describe our lives since Thanksgiving. But since I started down this path, in honor of our trailer park brethren, I challenge you to keep track of how many references to asinine "reality" shows there are throughout the post and the person who can get back to me with the correct answer will get the amount of money equivalent to the combined IQ of the cast of Jersey Shore. (Hint: From what I have read, winning this prize would actually mean you owe me money, so don't waste too much time.)

I have no excuse for the preceding paragraph other than to say it is the Friday of the last week of school prior to Christmas. I now fully believe the song the twelve days of Christmas has been mistranslated over the years and that in its original text it was The Twelve Days of Christmas Programs. Abby had her choir program last week. Braden had his choir program on Tuesday morning. Logan had his pre-school program Wednesday evening and Abby had her drama club Christmas play Thursday evening, followed by additional performances Friday morning. This evening, I am in charge of the hospital's Christmas party being held from 4:30 to 7:00. Add in visiting all of the widows and widowers of the ward last Saturday morning and Tithing Settlement on Sunday and Tuesday evenings and you might understand why my mind might be all over the place and I would be inclined to run for The Hills. But tis the season and all is good. However, we have had a couple of events that warrant a special mention over the last couple of weeks.



As some of you may have heard, my father got remarried on December 5th to my mother-in-law. As you can see from the picture above, I am already having trouble with the new step-sister. Anyway, the day was perfect with absolutely stunning weather and a lot of family was able to make it. Following the ceremony, we all gathered outside for some pictures and it went exactly how you would expect it to go with that many children under the age of 10. How Logan's suit coat still has any shape at all is beyond me. As you can imagine, the jokes about new family relations were plentiful and I was a pretty good sport and managed a polite smile for most of them. However, I couldn't resist an eye-roll when somehow our situation got connected with Twilight by having us decide whether we were Team Claridge or Team Rapier. It isn't that the joke was that bad. It was just that suddenly my life had been tied in with that over hyped piece of fluff. This landed on my low lights for the year 2009. (I might read those books someday, but it is getting less and less likely everytime I am told how gorgeous Robert Pattinson is. To me he looks like someone dragged an albino out of the grave. Yes, I get it, he is a vampire, but that look doesn't say gorgeous to me. And if that is what the fans of this phenomenon believe to be an honest representation of human beauty, then suddenly how someone named Flavor Flav who wears a viking helmet and clock around his neck gets his own Bachelor type dating reality show is making more sense all of the time. Aren't all of these things signs of the Apocolypse. If not, they should be.)



Following the pictures, we headed over to the chapel across the street and had a luncheon/reception that my uncle Jack's family put on. They always do such an amazing job. The food was fantastic. It was quite sobering to realize every person in that cultural hall was my family. They were already, but now there was a second marriage to solidify it even more and create more confusion on someone's family group sheet. This may be inappropriate, but I am grateful that our parents are beyond child bearing years. That would just be too much. Danny and Marilyn plus 23 + 1. I can hear A&E picking up the phone right now. Anyway, we had a great time visiting with everyone and only Abby was disappointed with the outcome. Her cousin Shelby was unable to come with Shauna and they were not able to pick up where they had left off when we were returning from Fish Lake.



So after this, they were off on the honeymoon. As you can imagine, I would just as soon move right on past this as quickly as I would an episode of My Fair Brady, but one thing needs to be mentioned. NOT THAT!!! Just stop. No the thing I have to mention is just how different I am than my father. Their trip was a cruise to Mexico that left Los Angeles on Monday. They left Mesa on Saturday. Now to me, there were several scenarios that would work on breaking up the trip or doing whatever it takes to get to LA in plenty of time without exhausting myself. Not one of them includes spending the night in Blythe, CA. For those not familiar with this town, just remove the H from the name and you get a pretty good idea where they spent their wedding night. SIGH!!! I can actually imagine a scenario where they film an entire season of Survivor in Blythe, but that is a different story. Anyway, I guess that is why it wasn't my honeymoon and I hope they enjoyed it. Speaking with them later, we do know that they really had a good time on the cruise. I didn't have the heart to ask about Blythe.

While they were gone, we celebrated my dad's birthday on December 11 by going to our ward party. It was a lot of fun and the kids got to meet Santa Claus. Somehow, someone thought it would be a good idea to have the Bishopric be the wise men in the Christmas program. That someone was not me. After seeing his costume, I am pretty sure Bishop was not that someone either. Actually it was the lady who worked many hours on this program and did a fantastic job. However, she had to deal with the age old problem that many a person has had to deal with in putting together a nativity program. How do you costume a wiseman in stuff you have around the house while not having them look like shepherds? Not an easy thing to pull off. She did great. However she did warn us to try and find our own costumes otherwise she would come up with what she had. From the picture you can see the final result. I mean, I didn't come off too good, but I am not sure my figure would have looked good in much of anything. I am pretty sure the original wisemen were not dressed as we were. Not unless they were trying out for Real World: Jerusalem 1 A.D. I have to say that I had trouble containing my laughter when I saw Bishop in the striped moo-moo. But the bright pink...headwear?...I am not sure the picture does it justice. I have never seen his wife laugh so much. It was worth getting into my outfit just to see that.









So here we are today and the kids are officially out of school. Are we ready for Christmas? Not really, but we are a lot better off than we were 5 days ago. At that point I was on the border of panic. It is a lot better now. However, if I have to deal with one more Wal-Mart employee who deserves to be in their job as much as Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie, I will possibly be featured on the show Cops. But I have to admit that I love this time of year...most of the time. And now that school is out, it gets easier. I now have time to stop and reflect on how lucky I am to have such a wonderful family. Even if I do need a flow chart to explain them to someone. We hope each and everyone who reads this has a Merry Christmas and the best New Year.

P.S. I swear that I have never watched any of these shows that I have referenced in this post. My favorite sports columnist has a reality show problem and I have gleaned most of my knowledge of these shows from him. You will notice I didn't mention Joe Millionaire at all. Because then I would have had to admit that Shannon and I watched the finale of that show. I am pretty sure those brain cells still haven't recovered.

Random Thoughts

What Am I Doing To My Children?

In the picture above, you can see Logan sporting his favorite present from his recent birthday, an Indiana Jones hat. My brother Jerry and Kirt sent this to him and since he got it, it rarely leaves his head. We also have taken to calling him Indy (I mean why wouldn't we) and it made me think about the influence we have on our kids when it comes to popular culture. I have talked about this before, but it is quite something to realize this kid has never seen any of the movies and yet is just below obsessed with a cultural icon from the 80s that was my hero growing up. Wii Indiana Jones Lego game has a lot to do with it...ok a WHOLE lot, but the only reason I bought it was because he was my hero. Little did I know the fascination my kids would have with that one game. It is really funny that before he got the hat, Logan did not want to be called Indy or Indiana, he wanted to be called Short Round. In fact, would not answer sometimes if you didn't call him Short Round. The irony of that is that Short Round is in the second Indiana Jones movie. I think we all know what that means. Just in case you lived under a rock though, the second Indiana Jones movie is a huge reason behind why we now have the PG13 rating. Beating heart being pulled from a guys chest or something or other, I would prefer not to talk about it. Anyway, it is just funny to me that my five year old is demanding to be called by a character's name from a movie he won't be able to watch until he is 12 or 13...wait, I can hear Shannon's voice in my mind as I write this and she is saying 16 if ever. That is a discussion for a later day, but you get the point. The funny thing is, Abby is also into something that she knows very little about. She got a Batman shirt and absolutely loves it. It is just the Batman logo, but she considers it her coolest shirt. Here again, she hasn't ever seen any of the Batman movies new or old. (I suppose if we are in need of a punishment for her, we could force her to watch the one with Val Kilmer, Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey.) But she thinks it is cool. Why? I am sure she overheard the constant raving that I did over the Dark Knight. I am also aware that some of her friends at school probably have played a role in this as they have probably seen the movie, but still. I look forward to watching Batman Begins with her whenever I get clearance from Shannon. I don't think I will get to watch The Dark Knight with her as Shannon isn't sure that she was even old enough to watch it at 33. Clearly my wife and I have different tastes in movies. (An aside, isn't it pretty cool that the ageless Richard Alpert is also the mayor of Gotham City in The Dark Knight? Who is this guy? For those of you who are not Lost fans, you won't get this. For those of you who are, that is my number one question as we go into season 6. Who is that guy and where did he come from? I digress)

The Cost of Having It All

You know, over the last few months being in the bishopric, spending time with family and making observations in general, I have come to an epiphany: Marriage can be really hard. Please understand that I am not making any comments on my own marriage and therefore trying to read between the lines will not get you anywhere. I just realize that every marriage has its tough times. So it has been hard to watch this Tiger Woods thing blow up. The prevailing thought I keep coming across is, "What an Idiot!" I can't say that I disagree. (I actually read an article today where the wife of one of my favorite columnists said if her husband ever did this, she would beat him to death with his 2.8 pound book that he just wrote. I have seen that book, and I would caution him to avoid making this same mistake as Tiger, because that book likely could kill him.) But I just can't help but feel very bad for both he and his wife. Regardless of how this ends up playing out, this has to be the worst moment in both their lives and it is happening in front of the world. The fact that it is happening this way really doesn't say much for our society. At least in the days of the Romans and Gladiators, the tearing apart of people in front of the crowd was over relatively quickly and the dead didn't have to deal with it much beyond that. Now we just seem to enjoy destroying someone and then putting them on display for a few weeks to watch them helplessly thrash around. It makes me think of that movie plot where the guy is supposed to be completely under the influence of anesthesia, but he is only part way. So he hears his wife talking with the Surgeon about how they are going to murder him during the surgery. It kind of seems like that is what we want to do to people when we discover shortcomings. There is no winner here and while a 9-iron to the back of the head is probably appropriate, I just feel bad for the both of them and silently wish them the best.

What School Did I Go To?

Shannon was remarking the other day that school is way different than when we went. My children had early release this last Wednesday. Let me be very clear what that means. They had a half day three days after the Thanksgiving holiday. REALLY? Then yesterday, both Abby and Braden come home with tales of parties they were going to be having. Were they speaking of their Christmas parties? Of course not. They were talking about parties for being good. What??? Abby's class had a doughnut party for good behavior. If they continue, they will get to have a rootbeer float party. Braden, meanwhile, is having a party for being good while the Superintendant was in the classroom. That's it. If I had known we could have pulled this kind of extortion when I was in school, back up the ice cream truck and let's get this party started. I mean, is it just me or wasn't having good behavior just kind of expected? Conversely, not having good behavior usually ended in a bad place thus encouraging children not to have bad behavior again. I am not saying one or the other is right necessarily. I am just saying I got completely jipped.

Tomorrow's the Day

I would like to wish my Dad/New Father-in-Law and my Mother-in-Law/New Step-Mother congratulations on their wedding tomorrow. I have to say, there is nothing more fun than just throwing that scenerio out to people with no explanation and then watch the realization come over them. I don't say anything, I just kind of nod. I enjoy the look of confusion transform into understanding as their minds click into place exactly what I have just said. In fact, Alan Sparks came up to me the other day having been the salesperson our parents dealt with at the Ashley Home Store and just took a moment to clarify what he thought he heard, but wasn't sure how that could be. No Alan, it is exactly what you heard. So congratulations parental figures (easier to generalize than use all of the titles that now apply), we love you. I just hope you haven't caused Shannon and I to be in violation of any laws in the process.

Logan's Birthday and Good TV

Before I get into anything else, today is Logan's birthday and Shannon has gone and outdone herself with his cake. They were looking through the Family Fun magazine that we get and they saw the "Up" cake. Logan loved it and looked like a pretty simple thing to do. So Shannon set out to get it made. And here is the final result...



Pretty cool huh! As with anything that is worth something in life it ended up being a little more challenging that originally thought, but not too bad. So major kudos to Shannon on a fantastic job.

On a completely unrelated subject, life just continues to move at the speed of light sometimes and it is hard to believe that we are almost to Thanksgiving. Sometimes I have trouble remembering if I am coming or going. But during those moments when the day slows down and nothing is really required of Shannon or me, we have been enjoying watching our favorite show together. Of course I speak of "Lost". We have been enjoying it so much that I, of course, had to stop and try to figure out a countdown list of my favorite shows of all time. Remember back when I told you I was a freak about countdowns? You may have thought I was exagerating. Bet you are rethinking that now. So here we go. The 5 greatest television shows ever according to Ryan Rapier:

Ok just before we get to that, I will present the also rans. Those shows that are very close to the top 5, but just fell short. They are:

The Office
Seinfeld
Voyagers(Little known show from the early 80s about a guy and a boy who drop into historical situations and have to fix whatever is going wrong. Haven't seen it since 1983 so it is possible the acting is atrocious and it isn't near as good as I remember, but there was nothing so fascinating to a 9 year old who loves history as having an omni that would send you anywhere in time you wanted. Awesome!!! Little known trivia: The star of this show, Jon-Erik Hexum died a year after this show was cancelled when he was working on the set of another show and in a moment of boredom, put a prop Magnum .44 to his head and pulled the trigger. It seems that ammunition they put in prop guns will not harm someone a few yards away, but the impact when it is placed directly next to the temple will shatter your skull. Keep that in your valuable knowledge file in case you should ever need it.)
Psych
Fantasy Island (Come on!!! Stop rolling your eyes. Ok I am listing this more on the idea than the actual show because I don't remember it that well. But an island where you can go and have your fantasies come true only to find out that maybe you didn't want them in the first place? That is awesome!! Add in Ricardo Montalban in a white tux with a midget named Tattoo who rings a bell and yells "De plane, De plane" in a squeaky little voice who also happens to wear a matching white tux. They really should redo this show. I know they tried once, but try again for heaven sakes. This is a no brainer to me.)

Ok, now to the top 5:

5. The Amazing Race



This show is a dream come true to anyone who would love to travel around the world and experience things they would never have the opportunity to experience. The premise is 11 teams of two race around the world in different stages. At the end of each stage, the last team to arrive gets booted from the show. During each stage, they are required to complete certain tasks associated with the part of the world they are in. Some of the things they have required:

Bungee Jumping from the second highest bungee jumping point in the world off a bridge over a ravine in New Zealand; frying up and eating an entire Ostrich egg; plowing a muddy field in Vietnam with a real water buffalo; rappelling up the Great Wall of China; and unrolling massive hay bales in search of a clue in Sweden.

That last one doesn't sound too intimidating, but one team arrived in second or third place and then spent over 8 hours looking through hay bales that weigh over 200pounds. Fascinating television.

Shannon and I have talked about what it would be like to go on this show together. I am convinced it could possibly be the end of our marriage, but if we survived, that would be one heck of a memory.

4. Maverick



Now I know what you are thinking...or at least one of two things you are thinking. First, for anyone under 40, you are saying, "Wait, that doesn't count, it is a movie." If you are over 40, you are saying, "Wait, you are way too young to remember that show." You are both right and wrong. First, yes it is a movie, but it is based on a 1960s television show with James Garner as Brett Maverick. That is why it was so cool that he was the (SPOILER WARNING) dad in the movie. But I am actually referring to a one season version of Maverick where they tried to reboot it in the early 80's. The premise was that Maverick came to a small town and ended up winning a saloon and ranch house that tied him down to this small town. He of course then set about trying to run all kinds of shennanigans under the nose of the wise sherriff played by Ed Bruce (short lived country singer) who usually was on to what he was trying to do. Why is this show #4. Well, it inspired my play time and halloween costume for the next 5 years. Just to show how much I loved this show that wasn't on for hardly a minute, there were a lot of good movies to come out during my mission which took place between 92 and 94. When I got home, I cared about only one. Maverick!!! I would give anything to find that one season on DVD. And yet I wouldn't. It probably sucks pretty bad. And I don't really want those memories ruined. Because...I really LOVED that show. Because of that show, James Garner is still one of my all time favorite actors, hands down.

3. Remington Steele



Me and probably about four other people own every episode of this series that ran from 1982 to 1987. Just as with James Garner, I have a total man crush on Pierce Brosnan because of this show. I lived for Friday nights at 9:00. I wanted to be him and I wanted to grow up and date her. (I would be curious to know how many pre-pubescent boys had a serious crush on Stephanie Zimbalist in 1985. I will be willing to bet it wasn't many.) I am somewhat embarrassed to admit this, but I had secret dreams of being disfigured in a car wreck and having to have plastic surgery that made me look just like Pierce Brosnan, and of course they would have to replace my larynx with one that provided me a British accent. My understanding of human anatomy was not fully realized at this point as you can see. Although the series ended very disappointingly, I loved that show. Now that I own them, I see that they were a tad cheesy...ok really cheesy...ok what do you want, an admission that the sets were built on an old Velveeta factory? Fine, I admit it. But unlike other 80s dramas, I still like to watch them and he still looks like my hero. Remington Steele and Indiana Jones. I get a little wistful that I didn't end up like either one of them, because at 11 years old, that is all I ever wanted.

2. Frasier



The debate over the greatest sit-com of all time will generally include the following suspects: I Love Lucy, MASH, Cheers, Seinfeld, The Cosby Show and The Mary Tyler Moore Show. I submit they are all wrong. Dead Wrong. Frasier, which ran from 1993 - 2004 is hands down the funniest show ever made. A disappointing episode of Frasier is funnier than the best episode of 98% of all sit-coms ever made. I am told to think that 2 and a half men is a comedy classic? That show couldn't slop Frasier's hogs. Obviously that is a lesson in irony as Frasier would never have hogs. But Frasier is one of the few shows that would dare to use the word irony. It is one of the few shows that can get a good joke out of the word crepe. Frasier was a thinking man's (or woman's) show and it never talked down to its audience. If you didn't get a joke that was based on something that was intellectual...Tough! Go learn about that subject and come back later. Then you will find it funny. I own every episode of this show as well and I have seen them all at least twice, with many episodes having been viewed in the double digits. I still laugh. Every time.

1. Lost



I can't say it any more strongly...This is the Best Show ever put on Television!!! If you want, I can add 50 more exclamation points to drive the point home. Nothing drives me more crazy than when I mention the show Lost and someone will say, "Isn't that that show that is something like Survivor?" AAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! No, it is nothing like Survivor. It is the best written show of all time. It is highly complex and it is not a show that you want to just suddenly tune and see what is going on. You have to start from the first episode and watch them all...or you will be entirely lost. But trust me it is worth it. Shannon and I are watching them for the second time and there are so many things that we missed the first time. That is good TV. And for those out there who think television doesn't deal with religious themes enough...Lost is for you. It is chock full of religious ideas, themes and questions. To those who won't watch it because, "I don't like to have to think too hard about my television watching." Well, this show isn't for you, but it is certainly your loss.

Now a couple of warnings. It is violent. There are sex scenes, but they are very few and far between and I have seen worse on PG rated movies. I am not justifying it, (or maybe I am, I don't know) I am just saying, sex is not a driving force in this show. Violence on the other hand, is. It is pretty intense. But the beauty of this show is that they can have plot points that are pretty far out there, but you accept them because they never lose focus of the human angle of the show. The show is about the people. And trust me, you come to care about these people. I have a feeling it will be like finishing a great book when this show ends. I will mourn its passing. It is just that good.

There is no other point to this post. That is basically it. I suppose from a journal perspective, this will give my posterity an insight into who I was. With that in mind, maybe I should remove that stuff about a man crush on Pierce Brosnan. Nothing like thinking, "Wow, great great grandpa Rapier was completely insane. And who would name a child Pierce?"

How To Be A Hero And A Villian At The Same Time

I don't really feel like I watch a lot of TV. By some standards, yeah, I probably watch too much. By other standards, I don't even begin to scratch the surface. But either way, we try to limit the number of shows that we watch because when I find a show I like, I am loyal to a fault. So loyal that time and space mean nothing. So that brings us to last night. Last night, the Visitors arrived. For my wife, this meant exactly that...nothing. For me, it was huge. The Visitors hadn't come for over 26 years and when I saw they were coming again, it set off a wave of nostalgia a mile high. For those who haven't figured it out yet, I am of course referring to the election results that actually had Republicans winning something on Fox News. Ok, just kidding, I am actually referring to the premier of V. See, I can actually remember 1983 when V came on and I had to fight and scream to get to watch some of it. In fact, I missed the first few episodes of the mini-series because my parents thought it was too grown up for my 10 year old self. My best friend Jared got to watch it and I was so jealous as he would fill me in on all of the amazing details of Diana and The Resistance...OOOOOHHHH I get chills just thinking about how much I had to see this show and plotting how to get my parents to let me in on this boob tube nirvana that was going on without me. Needless to say, I finally got to see the final episodes.

(Two things as an aside. First, it is interesting in retrospect how hollow my mother's objections to V really were. First off, the scary and violent cards were pretty much all she had, but the reality I can see now is that my mother hated all things Sci-fi. She just never enjoyed them. I think a lot of her misgivings had more to do with how much she didn't want to watch it but knowing she would have to just in case it was too violent. As it turned out, I missed the one truly "graphic" moment when Diana, the leader of the Visitors, unhinged her jaw and ate a hampster whole. Beyond that, pretty tame. I was bitter for months that I missed the hampster moment. AAAHHHH the things that are important to a 10 year old. Second aside thing, they have been replaying the old V miniseries on the ScyFy network leading up to this new version debuting. Wow, that was some pretty crappy TV. In fact, watching shows from the 80s is really sad because you see just how lousy the a)acting, b)special effects, c)acting and d)writing for these shows really were. If you don't believe me, go back and watch old episodes of some of your favorites like The A Team or The Dukes of Hazzard or The Greatest American Hero sometime. Once you have done that, come back and try arguing with me. (An aside to the aside: I recognize that an argument could be made for Remington Steele to be on that list, but I LOVED that show and refuse to accept its eightiesness. So don't go there.) How did those of us growing up in the eighties ever survive some of that stuff? We may never know.)

So all week, I have been pretty excited for V to come back with all of its lizard glory. As it turned out, I was pleased with the result. They did a good job with the story and also did a good job of taking a good idea and completely reworking it into a promising series. I hear a good comparison is what they did with Battlestar Gallactica (another old show you could go back and watch and then try to defend as good TV between dry heaves) but as I have not seen the new Battlestar, I can't comment. Anyway, that isn't so much my point.

Shannon was gone to Messiah practice (yep it is that time of year again already) and so I was home alone with the kids when it came on. The boys and Kate were happily playing in their room and so just Abby and I were in the front room. I asked her if she wanted to watch a possibly scary show. If you know Abby at all, you know the answer was immediately yes. So she watched it with me. She loved it! It was really cool to watch this through her eyes because she kept asking if the Visitors were really good guys or not. At the age of 36, it is nice to be reminded that there is an age where you can still be surprised by certain things. It is an age so far removed from my own that my bones ache while thinking about this simply out of principal. Anyway, when the big reveal of the lizard skin underneath the human exterior finally happened, she was so excited and kept saying over and over..."I am so telling all my friends that I got to watch this show!" It was cool. I got to be the cool dad. I even helped her with her kitchen cleaning duties so that she could watch it with me. I like being the cool dad every once in a while. It doesn't happen much anymore because of 1) her age and 2) too often I am "grouchy, tired, constantly nagging about cleaning up after herself" dad. So we had a good time and she was super excited for next week.

Well, when Shannon got home, I had had some time to think about what I had done. I knew if she would have been home, she would have talked me out of letting her watch it. So when she got back, she just rolled her eyes at me for my immature parenting moment. After Abby was in bed, she asked me, "What are you going to do when this show gets sexual or too violent? Because, you know it will." I think my stalling tactic of not saying anything and pretending that she hadn't asked that question went pretty well. The problem is I knew she was right, and I didn't really have an answer. I hope they don't do what just about every other show does these days, but it probably will. I guess I will live in denial until then and then just have the remote handy and ready to go to provide editing as needed. (The really funny part of this is that I would have been much more concerned letting my daughter watch the "Family Friendly" show that came on right after V...of course I am referring to Dancing With The Nearly Naked Stars.) But I didn't know how to explain to my wife that I was somewhat living vicariously through my daughter. As she sat there excited to see something "cool" and "grown up", I was taken back to watching the original V. Back when I knew aliens coming to earth with the purpose of harvesting humans for food would never happen...but what if it did? That would be so cool to join the resistance and fight those alien bastages. Today...I just know it would never happen...but if it did...being responsible for four young kids takes all the cool out of it. I would just wet my pants.

For an hour, I was ten again and being introduced to good story telling (not the kind you find on Zach and Grody or any other Disney Channel disaster) and the effect it can have on someone was real again. I don't know if V will be a great memory for my daughter when she is 36, but watching it with her will be for me for the foreseeable future.

So, sorry dear...but it was lizard aliens posing as humans. You just can't beat lizard aliens!

The Sleeping Toilet Awards

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you find yourself so exhausted that you catch yourself falling asleep in the craziest places? Come on, you know you have. Apparently, Logan had one of those recently. It was roughly 4:00 in the afternoon and I hadn't gotten home yet from work, but Logan had to use the bathroom for "#2". After taking care of his business, he made the call to Shannon to come and help him clean up a bit as he does after every movement of the bowels. At this point, I guess it is as good a time as any to mention that both of my boys have this issue of liking to be completely free while taking care of that life function. I don't think Braden does it as much, but in their hey day, both would prefer to strip down completely before...you know. Anyway, so Logan was naked as a jaybird following Shannon's helping hand. She told him to get dressed and she was going to go check on the rest of the kids. She walked outside and got Kate in a moment that couldn't have taken more than...5 minutes at most, more than likely less. She then went to go back inside and got bitten by our new door handle. I recently installed a new door handle on the front door that is always unlocked on the inside regardless of its status on the outside. It can be very confusing, especially since our previous handle did not do this. Anyway, you can guess where this is going in that Shannon was now locked outside. Not a problem, Logan is in there and he can come answer the door...at least in theory. After a couple of doorbell rings and a great deal of ferocious knocking, she finally gives up and goes around back and is able to get in the back door. She calls out for Logan...no answer. After looking for him all over, she finally finds him here:



Now don't worry, he did not slip and fall knocking himself unconcious (as Shannon was at first concerned he might have done). No, he was just overcome with exhaustion and laid down. As a father, I find a little solace in the fact that he at least got his underwear on first. I think that's good thing, isn't it? Anyway, this was on the heels of a couple of very busy weeks and before a couple of very busy weeks were about to begin. I found I could relate to the boy. In that light, I would like to present the first annual Sleeping Toilet Awards. (The truth is, I will never likely give these out again, but my other option of putting the words "toilet" and "Lifetime Achievement Awards" in the same sentence is probably not a good idea.) This year's recipients are:

1. Rhett and Alysia Dodge - Rhett has been in the bishopric with me for six months and also had the opportunity for his company to win the contract to put the windows in for the Gila Valley temple. That is a great blessing but has led to a lot of hours. Add that to the fact that Alysia just got called into the Primary Presidency and suddenly we need to be wary of sleepwalkers on Church St. I am sure the Dodges do not read this blog, so if anyone wants to inform them they have won a Sleeping Toilet award, I am sure they would be thrilled.

2. Heath and Timi Brown - The Browns just returned from a week long vacation in Disneyland. That is enough to cause anyone to need a couple of days recovery in and of itself, but the Browns then finished off their week by hitting Disneyland one last time Saturday morning and then making the full nine hour drive home that afternoon/evening without a break. I have done that once without hitting the park first and let me tell you...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I fell asleep just thinking about it. So congratulations Browns, you are a Sleeping Toilet award winner.

3. Ryan and Shannon Rapier - I realize how conceited it may appear to create an award so you can give it to yourself, but...oh well. We have just been through a week where every child except Kate has vomited during the hours of darkness. I hate cleaning vomit. That has nothing to do with the award, it is just something I feel very strongly about and felt it needed to be said. Also, my apologies to Hannah Dodge for having to come watch our kids without us realizing Abby was so close to refunding her enchiladas back to the earth that gave them to her in a way not originally designed by the Creator. Anyway, this comes in the midst of a Saturday that began at 4:30 a.m. for a temple trip with the youth, a night of work where I was on the committee to provide a BBQ to the night shift and coming this Saturday, helping direct traffic for the "Gila Valley's first 1/2 marathon and any other non-related event we could throw into one event" event, which will begin at 5:45 a.m. This week and the two that have preceded it are just insane. So crazy, that I feel the need to come up with a name for it...Oh yeah, Life! I think I will check with Logan if there is any additional space by that toilet. It looked pretty comfortable for him.

Any nominations for a Sleeping Toilet Award will be accepted and likely awarded. There are probably many deserving winners.

Finally, I have a beautiful daughter who is growing up too quickly that I want to brag about. So here is Kate admiring the rose bush my Mom gave us a couple of years ago. I think she looks like her dad.

Letter To Mom

As many of you have probably heard by now (but for those who haven't, I will now share with you) my father and my mother-in-law are engaged and will be married on December 4 or 5. I can't remember. Please don't take that the wrong way as in I don't approve or anything. I struggle with transposing dates in my mind when two of them somehow get associated in my mind with the same event. Case in point, my son Braden's due date was February 22. He was born February 25. For several years I would have to think long and hard about which day was actually his birthday. Don't tell Shannon, but same kind of thing for the first couple of years we were married with our anniversary. Couldn't remember if it was January 3 or 4. For the record I know it is the 3rd...Just kidding dear, I know its the 4th. Anyway, this is a pretty good thing for both of them and it is a blessing to our family. Of course the jokes, they are a plentiful. I have heard more moving to the south and "I'm my own Grandpa" references in the last couple of weeks than I have heard in the 13 years of marriage prior. We accept that. The families are still trying to figure out how this is all going to work. On my side it is pretty easy. Nothing really changes for my kids except Grandma and Grandad are now in the same place and the effect on Jerry and Kirt is minimal. At least I think so. However, on Shannon's side the logistics of a new grandpa in the mix are still being worked out. I am sure they will all pan out in the end.

The one thing I struggle with is when people ask if I am ok with this. I don't know what to say. The emotions and feelings associated with that question are a little deeper and would require a little more time than the 15 second response most people are looking for. So, on the off chance that someone is reading this that wants to ask that question or has already asked it but thinks I gave a flippant answer, I will share the following. I recognize that some might think this is a little personal, but I have always been pretty up front with my emotions. Obviously, I am not going to share anything that I don't want to, but I tend to be able to express things better in writing than any other format. So if you really wondered how I am with all of this, here we go:

Dear Mom,

I am sure by now you have heard that Dad is going to marry Marilyn. Pretty weird, I know. I hope you are ok with this. I know we had several talks in the months before you couldn't talk with us anymore about what would happen to Dad after you passed. Based on those talks, I am fairly certain that you would give this arrangement your blessing. But now that it is actually happening, I wonder if it is a little harder to accept in reality than in theory. See, I clearly don't understand what happens after this life. I know the basics and they are all good. But I have been taught my whole life that I better not smoke or drink because I will have the same cravings after this life as I had during it. That is all well and good and a great deterrent, but if you follow that logic, are the human emotions that connect you to a spouse the same after this life? Are you a little uncomfortable or jealous of this situation? Do you have those feelings but also feel guilty because of how hard it is to expect two people to be alone in this life who very likely have a good number of years left? Or when you arrive in the Spirit world, does your perspective on our existence change so that these natural man emotions seem small and inconsequential in comparison? Don't worry Mom, I don't stress and wring my hands over this stuff. But sometimes, I look at Shannon and wonder if I were gone, how would I feel. I would hate for her to feel alone in this world where loneliness is such a brutal companion. But I have to be honest, I can't hardly bear the thought of her loving anyone else but me. And then, being the over analytical person I am, I project those feelings onto you and can't help but wonder how you feel.

Another thing that scares me is losing you in this process. I don't want you forgotten by my children. I know that is my responsibiltiy to keep you alive, but I am also aware of the realities. I can remember you sharing through tears that your biggest regret is that Kate would never know you. I hate that too. I worry that Logan is so young, the memories of you will be hard for him to keep. They will be for all of us to a certain extent, but for my young children who have so few to begin with, where will you fit into their life experience?

Lastly, who do I talk to? You were always the one who I talked to about...everything. I love Dad dearly, but your passing has brought into clear focus just how much he and I have never really talked about all the things that dads and sons generally have trouble talking about. That is why sons need their moms. Main case in point, you are the one I would most likely talk to about this. But I can't. And that is hard. Logan and I were in his room the other night and he had just finished saying his prayers when he stood up and looked at me with a very sad look on his face. I should mention they had just spent the day in Duncan for the first time since your funeral. I asked him what was wrong expecting something about how he didn't want to be in trouble since he was just prior to his prayers. Instead, he said, "I am thinking I am about to cry." I asked him why and he said, "I miss Grandma Rapier." and then he lost it. I just held him for a little while and silently cried with him. I miss you so much too. Day after day I realize another little thing that I miss that I hadn't thought of before. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your point of view, the marriage is making me face the fact that things have changed. I think I was able to live in denial as long as too many things did not get altered. I still haven't been back to Duncan since your funeral. I know that is wrong. But I think it is for this same reason. If I avoid dealing with a lot of things, then maybe I can avoid admitting you aren't here anymore. Now Mom, please don't think I am delusional. I am aware of reality. I hope you know what I mean. But dad getting remarried makes living in denial very difficult.

Overall, I know this is a good thing. I believe you know it too and are very accepting. I am so happy for Marilyn. I am happy for Dad too, but Marilyn has been alone for so long. She deserves something good. I believe this will be. Heaven knows they will have to work through some things. You would know what some of those things are better than anyone. But I think they will be fine. But Mom, I hope you know I love you. I miss you. When people ask me how I feel about all this, you are the person I think of and I don't know how to answer. I hope all is well with you. I will do all I can to keep you alive in the lives of our kids. They are who they are in part because of you. Please watch over us and I guess I will talk to you later. I love you Mom.

Ryan

A Quick Story: Logan's Misunderstanding

We are coming up on having our primary program for sacrament meeting in about two weeks. All of our kids have received their parts and are doing very well in memorizing them. Maybe a little too well.

Last week was fast and testimony meeting and after about 10 minutes, I see Braden and Logan come walking up with big ol' smiles on their faces. They go and sit down on the bench and prepare to share their testimonies. As it happens, they are waiting out someone who was taking a fair amount of time. Not out control, but not super quick. Certainly not quick enough for the curious nature of 7 and 4 year old boys. After about 15 seconds of sitting quietly. They both start to stand up a little bit to see over the little wall on the stand and look out at the crowd. Braden wanted to wave to mom. Very appropriate. My apologies to Brother Skinner who was sharing some very heart felt thoughts. I was finally able to get their attention and give them the evil eye just in time. I am fairly certain that Logan was preparing to climb up on the bench and stand so he could get a better view. Can't be certain, but let's just call it father's intuition.

After a couple more moments, others joined them on the stand and Brother Skinner finished. Braden got up and bore his testimony. Did a great job. Then he left the stand and walked back to sit with Shannon and the fam. Logan's smile was completely gone now. He sat on the edge of the bench with a look of uncertainty on his face and he paused long enough that another girl got up and went next. When she finished, Logan tentatively stood up and looked out at the audience and uncertainty turned to terror and he looked over at me. His face said, "What do I do now?" I motioned for him to come and see me and he started toward me and he just melted in tears by the time he got me. I held him for about a minute while he kept saying, "Braden was supposed to stay by me." over and over again. I finally calmed him down and he went back to sit with Shannon who then got to hold him. I am not sure how the next conversation went, but something tripped Shannon's radar and she asked Logan, "Well Logan, what did you want to say?"

He replied, "In the premortal existance, I..." and so on to finish verbatim his part for the primary program. A couple of things. First, I am proud that he knew his part so well that he was ready to give it three full weeks before the program. Second, I think we as parents need to take some responsibility that we were not a little more clear on when he was supposed to share that rehearsed part. Third, we need to help Logan express to others what his expectations of them are prior to starting something as opposed to being frustrated after its over when they don't do what he expects regardless of how little knowledge they had. Lastly, isn't it amazing how quickly you can have a flashback of what it is like to experience the sheer terror that can only come from being very young and seeing hundreds of people staring at you, waiting for you to say something. It is the worst. I once completely bailed on my primary teacher during a primary program and refused to say my part. Another time, I freaked out and lost it when they tried to make me wear a newspaper tri-corner hat during the bi-centennial celebration. In my defense, I have seen the home movies of that event and I still think I was somewhat justified in that one. Those things were the stupidest looking things I have ever seen and I was right to refuse someone the opportunity of capturing me for time and memorial on film with one of those things on my head. Anyway, looking at my son in that moment when his face went into terror mode, I felt so bad for him. Because I have been there. We've all been there.

Random Thoughts on a Friday Morning

-Kanye West says "George W. Bush doesn't care about black people" during a telethon to help victims of Hurricane Katrina and is said to be a thoughtful patriot exercising free speech. I, or any other person in this country, say I don't agree with nor want Obama's healthcare proposal, and that makes me a rabid racist according to Jimmy Carter and several media outlets. Since I also do not support Cap and Trade, the removal of the missle shield from our allies in Europe nor trying to negotiate with Iran, I suppose I should get to work on starching my white sheets and polishing up my jack boots. Does anyone have any laundering tips on how to get the hoods to stand up straight? I am afraid mine will keep flopping over to the side and frankly if you can't do racism with proper fashion and style, is there really any point in doing it at all?

-We played "Corn Bag Toss" for Young Men's on Wednesday night. This game is kind of like horse shoes, except it is played with a slightly sloped board with a hole in it and bean bags with corn instead of beans. (Maybe I shouldn't mention this so close to a rant about racism. The "hick" factor of a game with corn bags and a board with a hole in it might be deemed a little high. Oh well.) You throw four corn bags to the board and if the bean bag stays on the board, it is worth one point. If it goes in the hole, it is worth three points. Rhett and I were playing Tommy Nicholas and Brenton Welker and we might have gotten a little full of ourselves when we made a slight wager on the outcome. If Rhett and I had lost, I would have had to have painted a green T on my cheek for tonight's football game. For those from Thatcher, I realize it is not a big deal. For someone from Duncan? This is tantamount to treason and possibly punishable by death. Rhett on the other hand would have had to use the word "sycamore" twice while conducting in church this week. Fortunately, we won and so Tommy will be wearing a slight bit of rouge to church this week and Brenton, who is our youth speaker, will have to fit the word "eucalyptus" into his talk. Appropriate? Probably not. But I am still looking forward to this way too much.

-How did my dad, in good conscience, tie a string to almost all of my teeth and yank them out of my head when I was younger? Braden's front tooth was practically horizontal this week and so finally, I gave him a deadline. (Actually I gave him several because I am a weak pushover.) When it could be put off no longer, I went and grabbed his tooth and yanked...it didn't come out. This is already after having attempted the string thing with him earlier in the week with floss and a hair ribbon, both of which failed miserably. It had to be kind of like being put up in front of a firing squad and repeatedly hearing, "Ready, Aim, Fire!!!" only to have everyone's gun jam at the same time. I don't know how that boy's heart took it all. Now Braden is sobbing "No no no no daddy, NOOOOOOOOO!" Well I gotta finish it now so I grab a hold and yank again. The sound of a tooth separating from the gum is a NASTY sound! Of course, once it was done, it was amazing how much bravery Braden suddenly found as he talked non-stop about his tooth removal experience. Meanwhile, I couldn't find Abby. She had two loose teeth with the other teeth coming in underneath them. She had been given the same deadline. Abby has always had big time trauma issues with teeth since she had a similar experience to Braden when we lived in Gilbert. We finally found her and with tears in her eyes, I looked at the two teeth needing to be removed. There was no way to really get a good hold without plyers (I only considered it for maybe 5 seconds. I am not really that cold.) So I told her she had one more day and then we were calling the dentist. I just couldn't do it. Good thing we went this route too. She had an additional tooth that needed to come out and it had to be removed in pieces. She has another appointment next month to remove her final three baby teeth and she will be done. Thank Heavens!

-Steve Carrell is a genius at painful, uncomfortable comedy. Anyone who is an Office fan will have to agree. His inability last night to restrain himself from giving in to the subliminal thoughts of calling Stanley's wife by his mistress' name had to be one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time. It is good to have The Office back.

-I am back to despising Safford City government. They have gone the "non-residents pay more" route out at the golf course, which resides in Thatcher by the way. I know that there is no way that the same kind of resistance can be raised for the golf course that was raised for the library. Something about grown men having to pay more to hit little white balls with sticks at holes with flags in them just doesn't strike the same chord as denying the children of our community the opportunity to read books. Go figure. But it is still infuriating. If it was paid for by property tax it would be one thing. But it isn't. It is paid for by sales tax which we all pay. Secondly, as much money as Safford seems to be losing on EVERYTHING they do, it seems to me that maybe an outside entity ought to be brought in to look at the management issues in Safford first before they stick it to people who have no voting authority on what amounts to an additional tax for not being residents. I am sure Safford's Mayor, Ron Green, does not agree with my sentiments.

Yesterday, I had to give a presentation to a group of community leaders who are taking part in a year long program put on by the Chamber of Commerce. I had been presenting for about 10 minutes when I realized it was a little warm. Then I had a horrible thought that almost stopped me mid-sentence. Did I forget to put on deodorant this morning? Please know that this is not a common occurance, I just couldn't remember doing it. I still can't. I am not sure I did. Please tell me I am not the only one to have had this type of experience.

And with that, I have probably shared too much information and so we will end it here.

Where's Waldo

So leave it to the youth to come up with new and inventive ways for adults to embarrass themselves. A month or so ago, we had our ward youth planning meeting where we plan out the combined activities for the year. The laurels announced their idea and it was to play Where's Waldo. I had never played this game and so innocently I asked, "How do you play Where's Waldo?"

"It's where you dress up in a disguise, hide in Wal-Mart and we have to find you."

"Come again?"

"It's where you dress up..."

"No I heard that part, I had just hoped I hadn't. So you want some of your leaders to dress up?"

"And you...well the whole bishopric actually."

That was pretty evil I thought. Put you on the spot in front of all the youth and of course as they are describing the activity, the rest of the youth all start nodding their heads and smiling. There are just some times when you know you have been beaten. So, it was scheduled. The first Wednesday in September, several leaders from the ward and the entire bishopric would dress up and place themselves throughout Wal-Mart and wait for groups of teenagers to come find them. First group to find all the hidden leaders and get their signatures wins. I have to admit if I hadn't been one of the selected hiders, I would have thought this was a fantastic idea for an activity. But since I was a selected leader, I was now failing to see the spiritual growth that would occur based on this activity. Upon second thought, we would have to cancel and come up with a different idea.

But we didn't. So the night before, I found myself struggling with what my "Waldo Disguise" would be. My first thought was to get some self-tanning lotion and a do-rag and try to dress myself up as a Hispanic "gangsta" type of character. Well...let me just say that that self-tanning stuff doesn't do crap and now I have a big orange spot on my right calf. Anyway, now it is getting desparate. So Shannon goes out on the day of and procures a nice house dress fit for an eighty year old and wonderful wig that...well let's just say it fit with the house dress. That night, I put both of those on and some glasses, knee high pantyhose and a pillow in my basketball shorts underneath the house dress so I would have a little extra junk in the trunk and set off for Wal-Mart. Before I left, my kids got a little freaked out, especially Kate, but Braden did tell me afterward that he was glad I wasn't the old granny anymore.

It is funny that what seems ridiculous when you are in the comfort of your own home, begins to feel downright horrifying the closer you get to Wal-Mart. I pulled into the parking lot and probably would have just left if Rhett hadn't pulled up next to me. He had apparently been circling the parking lot waiting for someone else to arrive. He had chosen to go with the homeless guy look and was going to set up shop right outside the front door. That must have been a sight. A homeless looking guy and a large grandmother figure who couldn't have been less feminine walking together through the parking lot of Wal-Mart. Anyway, Rhett took his position and I walked inside trying to be inconspicuous while being the most conspicuous thing that has walked through their front door in over a week. I made a bee-line straight for the motorized carts and got in one and tried to hunch over and just get out of the entry way. I don't think I have ever seen a greeter in Wal-Mart with a more confused and slightly scared look on her face than the one I drove past. In fact, throughout the store, people would avoid looking at me until they were right even with me and then just turn and gape directly at me. That was kind of funny.

When I got in position in the pet food area, I filled my cart with dog food and started to wait. It hadn't been three minutes when over the loudspeaker I hear, "Security camera for men's wear, Security camera for men's wear!" I thought to myself, "Yep, we all must be getting in position. Let's just pray for no arrests."

I sat there for another 5 minutes when I see Shawn Wakefield trying to find a place to position himself in his disguise which consisted of...A HAT!!!! Are you kidding me???? That was pretty lame and he got an earful later, but anyway, he looked right at me, but I could tell he didn't recognize me as he started into the garden center. So I hunched over and slowly turned my cart into the garden center. As I wheeled in, I saw him walking and called out, "Wakefield!" He looked back and couldn't see anyone who would have called his name and kept right on walking. I followed him for a little while until he finally turned and looked at me, did a double take and then realized who I was. His response? "You have got to be kidding me?" No I don't suppose I am.

As it turned out, most of the leaders didn't go all out in the dress up department, but a few did. One of those who did was Tommy Nicholas. He is maybe thirty at best and has dark hair. He dressed himself up in a dirty gray wig with a baseball cap took a nebulizer and the facemask and wheeled himself around Wal-Mart in a wheelchair. He also added a bit of weight to his physique. He looked awesome. He wheeled himself up to a few people he knew and none of them recognized him and he basically made them uncomfortable for a few minutes until he finally would reveal himself. He even went up to one individual and said, "Hey, remember me?" That poor man tried to pretend that he in fact did remember this individual and was asking how he was doing when Tommy finally told him who he was. He didn't find it near as funny as we all did later on. Another good one was Nathan Smith who dressed up as a very large fat lady. He even went with the makeup and everything. I didn't get a picture of him, but I heard he looked awesome. The funny story there is he looked real enough that most people were buying the character. So when he went to leave, he wanted a Coke and went to the check out. He felt around and realized he had no cash and so explained to the cashier that he only had a debit card. Apparently when he started talking, the cashier looked up at him quickly in horror. I would love to know what story that lady's family was told that night. Meanwhile, Rhett was so believable, that several of the youth walked right past him including his own son who looked him square in the face and didn't give him a second thought. This was a pretty good activity.

I couldn't bring myself to ride that cart back through the entrance dressed as I was, so I ended up making the switch in the dog food area and stuffed the whole outfit in my purse. It was still pretty embarrassing to have to ride that cart to the front of the store as a 36 year old man with a purse, but I will take that again as opposed to the old lady who got more stares than if Brad Pitt were to have walked through the door.

Below are some of the pictures of the different leaders "Where's Waldo?" outfits. I would love to do this again. But I have dibs on the homeless guy character. At least I wouldn't have to actually make it in the store.

My New Love Affair and The Greatest Songs Ever

A follow up to my last post...Shannon spoke in church last Sunday. She did an outstanding job. The bishop got very brave and decided to ask all of the bishopric wives to speak. Bravery is subjective however. He was too afraid to ask his wife over the kitchen table, so he had Rhett and I come into his office with him while he asked his wife. I suppose a good old fashioned beat down would have been out of the question with witnesses right there. Anyway, they did such a good job that I can honestly say it was one of the best sacrament meetings I have ever been to. Plus I didn't have to use my one freebie that she promised me should I have trouble getting a speaker at some point.

So, after the last post where I brag about my wonderful wife, it is with sad heart that I admit the following. I haven't been completely faithful to her recently. A new object of my affections has emerged and I find myself making excuses to slip away and spend time with my new love. Now granted the excuses I find generally include me having to get something from Bashas' or making a dreaded Wal-Mart trip, but I am so madly in love that I have lost all sense of right and wrong. I mean voluntarily going to Wal-Mart? The madness must end!



I am speaking of course of our new family member. Not Buddy, but Silver. As in Silverado, Chevy Silverado. Silver joined our family three weeks ago and suddenly I find myself volunteering to go get Abby at gymnastics, "forgetting" to get dog food so I can make another trip to get more and other pathetic excuses for driving without a real need. The funny part is that I was told by Tommy Nicholas in my ward that my manly points went up by four just by getting a truck and getting out of my little Saturn (an aside...that Saturn has served us well for nine years and almost 140,000 miles. Getting a new vehicle was inevitable, but that car was awesome), but the funny thing is, I don't think I have hauled much in the back of my truck. I think I might lose some of those manly points if people knew that what I am enjoying most with this truck is playing with the XM radio that comes with it as well as the On-Star features. Basically, the truck is one big phone. When I set up On-Star on the way home from buying the truck, Braden was in the back seat. I think his little mind nearly exploded when he realized I could hold a conversation with someone through the speakers of the truck. I give Braden a hard time about being obsessed with technology but...I called Heath the other night without much cause...ok...no cause really, I just wanted to play with the phone calling features. I suppose this technology obsession might just be a family trait thing.



Of course no one is allowed to eat in it and only adults are allowed to drink beverages other than water in it. (I suppoooossse that Shannon's M&Ms don't count.) Shannon thinks I am obsessive. I know I am. And the point of is??? Shannon asked if she was going to get to drive it. I explained that was a silly question. It is OUR truck. Of course she could drive it a quarter mile down the road to see Melinda as long as she was back in ten minutes and signed a ten page liability statement stating that the family would forego basic necessities for a year to help pay for any damage that should come to the truck while she was driving it. If Shannon weren't such a refined lady, I think she would have shot me the finger as she grabbed the keys on her way out the door while stating, "I'll be back when I get back." (This story has been slightly embellished, but the spirit of the exchange is intact.)



Now since getting the truck, as mentioned, I have been enjoying a reconnecting with satellite radio. One thing I learned on XM the other day was that Jason Mraz's song "I'm Yours" just recently broke the record for the amount of time one song has lasted on the Billboard top 100. It has been there 70 weeks. The discussion went on about the greatest songs of all time. It made me think, what do I consider the greatest songs of all time. Well, I compiled a list of what I think are the 5 greatest songs ever. Now a couple of disclaimers. First, this list could easily change for me. I am sure someone could point out a song and I would go "Oh Yeah!!!", but at this point, these are the top. Second, this list is only contemporary popular type songs. Clearly the composition skills of the songwriters who wrote these songs don't compare with a Brahm or a Beethoven. Just wanted to be clear before someone commented that "How could you overlook The Hallelujah Chorus?" I didn't overlook it, I just didn't include that whole genre. Anyway, here are my choices:

5. Sad Songs (Say It So Much) - Elton John: When this song came out, it was my favorite. I still hear it and love it every time. I am really not a big Elton John fan, but this song strikes a chord with me that is somewhat timeless. That is a big consideration for me when it comes to this list. It is also the only Elton John song where I don't want to check to make sure my iPod isn't skipping when the song is winging down because Elton John doesn't know how to end a song. He just keeps repeating the same words over and over and over...you get the picture. That quality alone almost got this song bumped, but...

4. Always On My Mind - Willie Nelson: For the record, I hate Willie Nelson. That makes it really strange that of my top five greatest songs ever list, #5 and #4 would be by artists I don't really care for. However, this song is as heartfelt and true emotion song as I am aware of. This does not apply to the Pet Shop Boys version. I wish someone would remake this song with the same slow tempo and soul searching sound without the nasal quality that unfortunately comes with any Willie Nelson song.

3. Johnny B. Goode - Chuck Berry: The first great guitar rock song is still the best. If you think about it, all heavy metal, guitar driven country and guitar heavy pop artists got their inspiration from Chuck Berry. If you disagree, I would point you to the original Back To The Future...see, you can't really argue with it can you? This song still makes me want to get up and move. You can all rest easy that I don't get up and move as that would be highly embarrassing, but it still makes me want to. Thanks dad for the education on good rock music at an early age. I know my love of country disappoints you still, but I did listen somewhat.

2. You Can't Hurry Love - The Supremes: If you want a testament to this song's greatness, look at the fact that it has been remade many, many times and yet, to my knowledge, no one has really changed the song. They add their own vocal style, but the tempo, the instrumentation and the basic song sound almost exactly the same. It is hard to improve upon greatness.

1. When You Say Nothing At All - Any Version: When it first came out by Keith Whitley, it was a great song. Yet it seems that each remake only seems to get better. Alison Krauss slowed it down and it was incredible and then the guy who sang it for Notting Hill jazzed it up a bit and it was just as emotional. I love this song!!! One of my wife's favorite songs ever is "Endless Love" because she thinks the words are so romantic and that that is very important. I agree and think this song's words are even more effective while combined with an unbelievable tune.

So there they are. I dare you to argue with me. I realize that there are some notable songs that are not there. For instance, Yesterday by the Beatles is the most recorded song of all time. One problem. I hate the song Yesterday. Therefore, it couldn't make my list. Any song by Elvis. Well, I have been mentally scarred by the image of an older Elvis sweating profusely in a white jumpsuit while singing. I am sorry, I just can't get past that and therefore he is omitted. Anyone is more than welcome to tell me where I am wrong, but I reserve the right to have totally stupid arguments that may make no sense to anyone but me, but then I am the final arbitor so...I will win said arguments. For instance, Imagine by John Lennon. The words in theory are great, but it is totally unrealistic and he uses the phrase "no religion". Therefore...checking with the final arbitor...it is out. See how that works? I am going to see if I can get a show on XM and do a countdown based on this list. It certainly would be better than half the shows that exist on XM.